And everyday I held my tongue
But my heart said I was ungrateful
Would never vocalise the feeling of jumping
Or simply not waking up from a night's sleep
That runs and runs but never resurfaces
Once every year or quarter it comes out
And with a laugh and a giggle
And maybe half crazed eyes
I move on like nothing's wrong
Then tomorrow I'll wish I wouldn't wake up again
And I'll live with that feeling on and on
Other times feeling too full
Like I wasn't allowed to breathe
So I'd swish the feeling I couldn't put a name to anymore
I'd swish it all around my head
Like pushing food on my plate
To lie to my mom that I ate more than I could take
Sometimes it would he enough
Other times I'd be swishing for hours
But I was still in numbing pain
The more active thoughts come out to play
Like thinking of how easy it was to break skin
How simple it was to hide
Wouldn't I be able to breathe easier
When I couldn't breathe at all
I'd refuse my sister's hug
And I would think something sharper