Phiafayepoetry

Such a beautiful world we have, filled with so many wonderful people made of dreams that could fill up the whole universe.

[phiafayepoetry]

In almost every iteration

Of a woman getting captured by men

An allusion or blatant detail of what would happen to her followed

To a generation that are constantly told

That they would never be safe

Women chose to throw their bodies into the depths of fire

To escape something considered worse than death

Every breath, every step, and every thought

It would only ever belong to them

S.F.

[phiafayepoetry]

Everyday I wanted to die

And everyday I held my tongue

My dad said I was lucky

But my heart said I was ungrateful

I never said it

Would never vocalise the feeling of jumping

Getting run over

Or simply not waking up from a night's sleep

Maybe a joke

That runs and runs but never resurfaces

Once every year or quarter it comes out

And with a laugh and a giggle

And maybe half crazed eyes

I move on like nothing's wrong

Then tomorrow I'll wish I wouldn't wake up again

And I'll live with that feeling on and on

Sometimes feeling cold

Other times feeling too full

Like I wasn't allowed to breathe

My fingers would tingle

My heart would palpitate

My head would hurt

And my nose would twitch

So I'd swish the feeling I couldn't put a name to anymore

I'd swish it all around my head

And disperse

It's still there

But sometimes

When it's not too big

When I make it go around

Like pushing food on my plate

To lie to my mom that I ate more than I could take

Sometimes it would he enough

Other times I'd be swishing for hours

But I was still in numbing pain

Times like this

Where I'd be in the dark

The more active thoughts come out to play

Like thinking of how easy it was to break skin

How simple it was to hide

The relief

The breath I could take

If there were more holes

Wouldn't I be able to breathe easier

When I couldn't breathe at all

I'd refuse my sister's hug

And I would think something sharper

S.F.

[phiafayepoetry]

As with all life,

You start anew

You rebuild

And settle

Burrowing your roots into a new home until the land shifts

And your heart aches

And you renew again

- SF

[phiafayepoetry]

To new beginnings

Started with old sorrows

In hopes that moving forward

Would somehow bring a better tomorrow

But the old me stays

Worn away from running nonstop

The older me gone like the dreams I've learned to drop

Where have I been

That the tears have dried up and my chest aches still

I dread everyday and every minute

Somehow I pray that I'll make it past tomorrow

With guilt to live a harder life

To run until my legs bleed

My skin tears

And my heart gives

Until I can rest by saying I can do no more

But to lay broken and still

Do I take paper and pen then

Or will I stay with broken arms

Finally allowed to be still

Permission coming from nothing but unshakeable truth

That I have no more to give

That I can give no more

There are no more words on my tongue

No movement in what lays broken

And the only thing left to offer

Is to burn for another warm night

- ...

[phiafayepoetry]

What I have for you is love, not forgiveness

[phiafayepoetry]

It was a lot harder to get up today

[phiafayepoetry]

In the moments we were together

To a past that's already been lived

I came across the home that you gave us

I may not have felt I belonged

But I forgot how hard I tried

And I remember how others fit perfectly

I saw how different they were in this place you made

The way they kept coming back

Even after we've worn our robes and walked the isle

I still carry the words you uttered

"You can love someone, but not like them"

To a room full of children that listened but maybe didn't understand

But to us who were willing to listen still

I remembered the graveness of how you spoke

And the straightness of your face

But it was only to make sure we felt your sincerity

I stumbled upon the photos

In a space forgotten

Collecting dust for the past 5 years

But still holding so much of us

Do you remember

Will you remember

Just like I did

And will it comfort you

From the quickness and cruelty of change

Somehow

Like it did me

S.F.

[phiafayepoetry]

To be honest, I was going crazy

Wanting someone to see me and nobody all at once

Knowing every single time felt different

And closer to insanity and never looking back

I was losing my mind

I wanted to be in pain, on fire, anything

I didn't think I deserved to be happy

But even more, I didn't think I deserved to be sad

I cried for whoever got lost, who wanted a life like mine

Then got up to live it again

S.F.

[phiafayepoetry]

Upturned lips with downturned eyes,

Laughter loud enough to shake the whole room

Her happiness was contagious and even more so heartstopping

And her presence, quiet but warm and not at all upsetting

I visited her room once, it was just like her - a little messy but warm

Cozy and bright and feeling so safe, like it belonged to sunshine incarnate itself

She said it resembled how she was with the same loud laugh

There's a pile of clothes in the corner, and her bed hasn't been made

But everything had its place and looked right, almost like a museum dedicated to her

It was the glimpse of her wardrobe before she closed it that stayed with me

Unfolded clothes thrown everywhere piled high, with her favorite sweater I haven't seen her wear since last Christmas at the bottom and toppled over bottles of skincare and empty hangers and clothes that were probably once without creases and folded perfectly

It was disarray and madness all in one

And I wondered

I wondered while I was sitting on her bed, waving her goodbye, on the metro, in my own bed, and the next day all over again

I wondered

If her bedroom was like her, did she have a wardrobe inside her too

In disarray and madness all contained

S.F.

[phiafayepoetry]

Tell me about the girl

That got hurt and talked behind her back

And after years of this

She finally learns that giving the benefit of the doubt

Was never for everyone or anyone at all

If it meant she was the one talked about

Give me the girl

Who got hurt and still tried to keep believing

No matter how twisted or invisible

That belief was to everybody else but her

When she still tried to be kind

But hated herself because she knew inside her thoughts weren't as pretty

Tell me about the girl

Who bared her soul out to you and you knowing

Yet still throwing it all in her face

And watch that little facade she had crumble down

Then see as her practiced smiles and swollen eyes

Stay on forever knowing you were the last to break her

Give me the girl

And watch as she disappears with the whispers

Hoping not for a truth that would heal her

But to quietly be erased from existence

As if she was never there and never hurt

Then laugh in her face to remind her that trust was a pain not worth time and love

s.f.

[phiafayepoetry]

Kiss me slowly

Love me poorly

Shake my heart

Then leave me lonely

S.F.

[phiafayepoetry]

I can't be anything more than I am

And I'm sorry and I wish I was

but I'm just as human as you

Just as young

I'm just as tired and broken

Fractured beyond saving

And still I'll stay

still I have to stay

like a crutch rotting away

I'm sorry to wishing it would all stop

The silence

The noise

The pain

My pain

I wished you knew

How much like you I really was

In the way you couldn't let go

Praying you'd never ask me to choose

Because I have put fire to myself

To keep all of you warm

SF

[phiafayepoetry]

And I will continue to make poetry

Until I can write the happiest words to ever exist

SF

[quotemadness]

“Everybody wants happiness nobody wants pain. But you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.”

— Unknown

[phiafayepoetry]

And sometimes rain comes with thunder

That shakes it all up

And makes you think that the way up is down

But even if lightning comes

And burns everything to the ground

Just a little bit of bravery keeps you from getting drowned

[quotemadness]

“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but ‘Mom’s’ probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”

— Kalyn RoseAnne

[phiafayepoetry]

Maybe we weren't meant to be

But even then I knew

We were happy to have existed

To witness the beauty we could have been

SF

[phiafayepoetry]

It doesn't matter how beautiful it is when you break

It hurts all over just the same

SF