The Truth About Suicide: A Tribute to Sam
Last semester, I was throwing the frisbee around with maybe three or four other guys from the team. We were on Hansen football field and it was sort of chilly out. We stopped to take a break and get some water. I sat down next to Sam and he looks at me. “So you know how on Windows, the Facebook app has an icon with people’s profile pictures on it?” I was new to my Windows laptop but I knew exactly what he was talking about because every time I would open my start menu, Goose (Jonathon Helton)’s muscle-y profile picture would pop up. “Well, your picture keeps showing up on my computer every time I open it and it doesn’t change. It’s literally every time.” I thought it was really funny because we hadn’t known each other for long but he just brought it up like it was normal. Another time we were out there, he looked up at me from where he was sitting on the ground and had my recent Instagram picture pulled up on his phone. He asked if I had been wearing any makeup when I took it. I told him it was only mascara and he said, “good, girls really shouldn’t wear makeup. It just doesn’t look good. They should be natural.” It was sweet the way he felt. The other times I got to hang out with him I really got to know how funny and caring he was. He was open with us all about his struggle with depression, but he seemed really comfortable around us. He bragged with Cam about who had cooler running shoes. Even if they weren’t up to any good, he loved spending time with the other guys on the team. When he told us he wasn’t coming back for a second semester, we were all devastated. I tried to think a ways I could help but I guess I just really didn’t know what to do. His family just didn’t have the money to send him back. Even at our last tournament in Champaign, he played with our team and hung out with everyone after. That was two weeks ago. Yesterday I went to his wake.
We really weren’t sure if the rumors were true last week when we saw the news on Facebook. None of us knew what happened or how or why, but it was gradually confirmed that Sam was gone. I have a hard time coping with death as it is so it took a while to actually soak in. But it was true. We later found out from his dad that Sam took his own life. We just saw him. The team just played with him. His recent messages still pop up in the group chat, his picture a hard reminder that its over. As hard as it is for all of us here, I can only imagine what his family is going through. To find that your son has lost his battle with depression - someone you created and raised and believed in. To lose your brother, your nephew, your best friend. It's a pain that cannot be even remotely illustrated in words. To walk past his bedroom every day. To see all of the videos and photos of him hanging on the walls in the house. It’s an emptiness that can never be filled.
I felt awkward at his wake. Don’t get me wrong, it was a beautiful service in a large space. So many people were there. So many crying, heart-broken people who had just lost a star in their life. Sam helped a lot of people. He had a gift for cheering everyone up. I didn’t need to know him long to believe it. But it was hard to walk into a room of those closest to him. I was terrified to approach his family because what do you say to someone who just lost their son? What do you tell someone who had just lost 18 years of their life spent loving, nurturing, and growing their child into such a wonderful human being? “I’m sorry for your loss” and “my condolences” just don’t feel right. Telling them how wonderful their son is and how much he cared for them is only going to poke at that irreversibly tender spot of their hearts and make them cry more. I wasn’t there to make them cry. I don’t handle it well when people cry. But I have been on their end. I have been told “I’m sorry for your loss” and looked at with sympathetic eyes. I have been told how much she cared for me and how I was a huge part of her life. There is nothing you can say to someone who has gone through such a traumatic loss to ease the pain or make them feel any better. I just felt out of place and it was so surreal to see my friend laying in that casket. The makeup was overdone, but there he was, in his beanie as always, with a Mass Hysteria disc signed by our team propped up in the back of his casket.
I didn’t go up to him. I couldn’t. The closer you get the more real it becomes and it’s just hard for me to face the fact that he’s gone. A kid my age took his own life. Someone I talked to and lived in the same building as. I remember first meeting him and noticing the tattoos he had on his ankles: Hermes wings. They were so cool and the more I hung out with him, he just talked about how much running meant to him. How he loved to clear his head by just heading out on a late night jog and running for miles. His desire to beat his depression was inspiring, yet you could always hear it in his voice how much it weighed on him.
The hardest part is that we all thought he was okay. It’s so hard to notice when we’re so far away but the weekend they played with him, he was all over it. He seemed fine, even talked about playing with us in the tournament this upcoming weekend. It was so sudden. I just wonder what his last words were, who he talked to. I know deep down he didn’t want to do it. He couldn’t have. There were so many people who cared for him and he had to have known it. But depression is a wicked downward spiral and he just couldn’t fight it anymore.
Don’t ignore the cries for help from your friends and family, even yourself. If you notice any signs of depression or suicide, seek help. Too many sons, daughters, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, teammates, and classmates are lost every day to suicide. Just because you may not be depressed or suicidal or have anyone close to you who is depressed or suicidal doesn’t mean it can’t happen. Be aware of the signs and seek help before it is too late. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
If you are suicidal or depressed, know that there is hope. Don’t let your loved ones lose the light you bring to their lives. You matter. There may not be a permanent cure for depression, but that is not a reason to give up. Fight for your friends, fight for you family, and fight for the life you deserve because there are so many things to live for. I know it’s hard to see sometimes. It’s okay to be sad. But don’t let depression rule your life. Seek help from someone if you haven’t. I know what it’s like to want to suffer in silence, to feel like a burden, but so many people out there are willing to listen to you and help you see that there is a future for you.
My boyfriend is a suicide attempt survivor. Before we really got to know each other, he tried to end his life because he didn’t want to fight any more. I couldn’t thank God enough for an unsuccessful attempt. and I think he would say the same. A little over a year into a committed relationship and I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. It has its ups and downs since we both have our own battles to fight, but he is my inspiration to keep going. Even if it ends up not working out, I will always be there for him and he will for me. So fight for that someone. Even if you haven’t quite met them yet, keep fighting because they might be right in front of you. Life has a lot to offer, don’t sell yourself short. As much as you want to fight me on this, there are people who care, so let them care about you and let them in.
I saw a shooting star on the way home from Sam/s wake. It was the first time I ever saw one and it was beautiful. I’m not really one for religion but I’d like to think it was a sign from Sam letting us know he’s still with us. He’s always going to be with us because he was an amazing person. Sam, wherever you are, they’re sure lucky to have you. Keep an eye on all of us, will you?
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