INK

digital journal, occasional photos

[pi-x3l]

holy shit hey you guys

so I'm 18 and shits actually really fucking different

I have a boyfriend, I'm on t now, just got a job yesterday, I can drive, I'm a senior & graduating this year, also my older sister is a rapist ( mine specifically ) and my parents still pay for her expensive ass apartment and shit

yeahh... i dont fucking know. also found out I've had ocd aside from just having cptsd so, thats been kinda shit but it's okay. I'm not on my meds anymore, just been trying to self regulate and that's been hard

[pi-x3l]

travel

At a beach house with the family infront of the ocean. So grateful.

I miss my cat bmo though, my older sister is taking care of her back at home.

my baby :(

[pi-x3l]

Had a relieving conversation with my parents

life is good. lol.

[pi-x3l]

of course you wouldn’t know about me trying to go to sleep early when you get drunk, how I can immediately identify the cracking sound of the cap, the slur I can recognize in your voice when you’re pretending to be sober

my heart starts racing & I start shaking.

that shouldn’t be my reaction to you being drunk but it is. I fucking hate it.

[pi-x3l]

goals: fix sleep schedule, journal, work on my jacket, save money, work out, spend time with family.

wants: to see friends, drive new places, draw something, listen to new songs.

needs: eat more, drink water more, remember to shower, take your supplements, go outside, don’t give up, personal time

avoid: not taking accountability, facing day-to-day responsibilities, dwelling on the past during the night, sleeping all day

[pi-x3l]

Seeing on the news minorities progressively losing rights, accessibility, and visibility in different places just within the first few days after the inauguration feels so exhausting

It’s my first time crying since the inauguration because I’ve been oversleeping after staying up too late.

[pi-x3l]

going to get into red dead redemption after finishing stray 🫡

[pi-x3l]

Ngl, it’s so weird interacting with people from your younger years that don’t actually understand why you stopped interacting with them during a certain period

Like, I do have an actual reason! Don’t have to be immature about it literal years later & could actually talk it out. Damn 😭😭

[pi-x3l]

me. hello!!

photos I’m posting here because I feel kind of nervous about posting them on instagram ( need a haircut )

I get that social media isn’t real & is a performance of good highlights in your life 😭😭 just feels like I have a judgmental audience even though it’s just my friends or people I grew up with, along with this embarrassment that comes along with “posting a lot” or posting at all even though I just want myself, my mind, & my experience to be remembered in a way that’s true to me to avoid some type of misperception.

People are going to misperceive other people all the time though because their experiences don’t match the other, building up their own opinions on people so there’s really no point in worrying about misperception when all is said and done, ultimately, the human side of me that exists outside of an array of confidence does worry.

not trying to get existential or deep, that’s just how I feel & perceive posting on that app lmao. Social media & being seen in ways that compare your presentable self to your younger self and your exhausted self is so weird sometimes.

In all honesty, it’s hard to not subconsciously perform because I just consistently want good things for myself & people I love and I feel that I can’t have those things without being my best self. Missing the days where I didn’t know social media existed lol.

[pi-x3l]

too late at night to be up

sometimes I just wish that I’d die tragically young so that I could be mourned as someone who didn’t get the chance to morph into something disappointing & unrecognizable

I wish my current teenage self could just be immortalized so that people would have some good things to remember me by

[pi-x3l]

okay, things are looking up.

I’m going to try & get a new wardrobe, jewelry, focus on my hobbies, focus my hygiene, focus on school, and try to take on new responsibilities

my goal is to try and get a job that pays better than my last one. no shade just… would like consistent pay 😭

[pi-x3l]

sometimes I think I have high-functioning depression, still managing to get things done but then I realize meals I've missed & things I haven't done. been consistent with school. going to keep doing that. your best isn't your best. keep trying.

[pi-x3l]

waiting

one more year. just one more. one more.

[pi-x3l]

I realize at 17 that this is probably the safest I'll ever be. I hope the rest of my life doesn't become absolute shit because I'm going to miss where I'm at

[pi-x3l]

“I relate to nothing. The more I gain, the more lonely it is.”

[pi-x3l]

anyway, I’m good you guys

[pi-x3l]

sometimes i re-read the posts on this page and cringe because it’s sounding too much like teenage angst but that’s literally what it is so I can’t even hate on it too much 💀

[pi-x3l]

ngl its always awkward when i see someone fine as hell interact with this account 😭😭 like this is a secret account. i am NOT like this in real life please fuck