just some train of thought type stuff that im sending into the internet void. kinda grumpy about gender atm ive identified as a nonbinary person for like........ six? years ish? somewhere around there. and my sexuality was a huge issue for me for AGES. its so dumb tho because way back when i first thought about it i figured i was bi then i wondered about it because i didnt get any crushes on girls (lol that i knew of). only had one on a guy, so its not like there was a ton going on there, but it confused the hell out of me for like three years straight. i never wondered if i didnt like men romantically because of comphet shit, but i was confused about girls because i didnt realize that i actually WAS getting crushes on them, so that was odd since im now completely obsessed with girls i assume that i was just getting over my hyperconservative christian upbringing (plus... i was like. forcibly degendered for YEARS by everyone except my immediate family (who did the opposite and tried to punish me into being super girly) which i now realize made me subconsciously feel like i wasnt allowed to experience romantic/sexual attratcion) and it just took a while then i got on tumblr, discovered all the m/og/ai stuff (i was literally there when that phrase was first created!! lol), and, since i still hadnt realized i was actually experiencing attraction to girls, i thought i was aro. THEN at the same time i got put on these meds that completely tanked my sex drive. i went from hypersexuality to absolutely NOTHING, only i was so deep into the m/og/ai stuff that it never ocurred to me that it might be the meds and not me being a/sex/ual (crossed out because... i dont feel like Discourse, even if someone agrees with me) and at the same time i found out about nb trans people and immediately fell in love with agender/genderless type stuff. so i basically IDd as aro/ace/agender (lol all stuff that you could technically describe as “lacking” in those departments) honestly i dont remember exactly what happened, but i didnt go on tumblr for like six months and then i deleted and remade half a dozen times and since ive got a shit memory i kept forgetting to refollow my og m/og/ai crowd, so basically a year went by with me not on tumblr and then i just.... didnt think about sexuality or gender the entire time. which! i think was honestly super good for me. and i literally just forgot to think about it tbh lol then when that year gap was up i basically made friends with a bunch of irl queer people, which was also super helpful because it basically grounded me? and one i was super close to was a trans girl, so that really helped me stay connected to... reality, i guess. i dont wanna totally bash the mgai scene (because i think, even if i didnt need to get nearly as into it as i did, it still helped me get out of the rut i was stuck in because of my christian upbringing and ultimately put me on a good path) but.... most of them (and i know this because i knew tons of them) are people that you would literally never be able to tell were queer and that had literally never experienced anything worse than someone saying (for instance) “ladies and gentlemen” and “excluding” nb people.... like. sorry, but its true. i know people have different experiences and shit, but most of em never directly experienced homo/bi/transphobia and just “experienced” the tiniest of microagressions ANYWAY the trans girl i was (am!) friends with was poly and she liked talkig about her love life so i ended up hearing a lot about how she developed crushes, which is basically how i realized that id been getting crushes on girls all along and just hadnt figured out that it was a crush (back when i thought i was a/c/e i literally thought they were squishes). also it helped that i got a crush on the girl (honestly? it didnt go anywhere and tbh technically you could say it ended with my romantic hopes being crushed but it was like... a really healthy crush? idk it was just very pure and sincere and honestly something i really needed, including the whole “accidentally but brutally getting shot down” thing! which sounds weird, but im so much better for that crush. god bless that girl) and thats when i realized that i... dont really care about men. not like in an actively malicious way, but like.... i literally havent had a male friend since i was like... nine. and i havent been avoiding making friends with guys, its literally just that i just.... dont think of making friends with them? like, if theres a guy and a girl im hanging out with i naturally gravitate towards the girl and end up accidentally ignoring the guy. and ive always valued my friendships with women far more than with men. i guess i really noticed it when i became friends with the queer kids because i thought i would be more interested in the trans guys than these cishet girls since we had a common experience as trans people, but i realized later that i just kinda wasnt interested in being friends with the guys, cis or trans, and i was only interested in the girls. also... i know i literally just mentioned getting a crush on a trans girl, so it should be obvious, but i know this can sound kinda like what t/erfs say, so i just wanna come right out and say that t/erfs can all die :) anyway. so then i was thinking that maybe i was a nb person attracted to women and other nb people. (tbh i dont feel a specific attraction to nb people in an active way, but ive gotten crushes on some here and there so im counting them. like, i kinda forget about nb people when im thinking about my sexuality and only think about women, but ive still had a few nb crushes SO) BUT. im fine (lol) having sex with dudes. its definitely more in a mindless one night stand no emotions involved kinda way, but i still enjoy myself. also i just. love sucking dudes dicks. trans girls too, but when i think about just blowing someone im thinking specifically about a dude. idk its part of the experience/fantasy or whatever. so THAT confused the hell out of me too like. i know several lesbians that actually dont really have anything against having sex with men, but the thing is that they (whether they do or dont mind the idea of doing a guy) all WANT to do it girls. and the ones im specifically talking about before it like.... theyre not horrified/whatever about the idea of fucking a dude, theyre just not INTO it, if any of this makes sense. so anyway how this relates to me is that i figured that, kinda like the lesbians that are “meh” about dudes, i too was ok with the idea of fucking them but i was ACTIVELY attracted to women, EXCEPT. THAT FUCKING BJ FANTASY. its literally always a dude in my fantasy!! like when i think of a satisfying bj experience i always picture a man. so then i was confused because of that THEN like six months ago someone called me a d*ke (like in a good way- she was a lesbian that thought i was a lesbian) and like... i wasnt mad about it. not just “not mad”, but i basically internally shrugged. i was basically indifferent to the idea that someone thought i was a woman. although! i think the fact that she still knew i was attracted to women was a big part of it because ive had plenty of people think i was a het woman and it made me mad as hell. i always assumed it was because they were misgendering me (btw... i dont really look nb, so i basically expect this, so i basically get mad internally and just shrug it off because.... tbh you cant really blame someone for not being able to tell that youre part of this “third gender slot” that doesnt even exist in mainstream culture.... yknow? like i WISH they could tell, but seeing as how only the most WokeTM of the community even know about nb people.... you can only expect so much of them, yknow..? like. im not saying this in a “oh, you cant Blame the cishets for oppressing us” kinda way, but just. yeah) but then, as ive been hanging out with more queers, ive gotten accidentally pegged as a lesbian a lot more, and every time it happens i basically... dont mind that they think im a woman. like its not a huge deal to me that they think that. it doesnt necessarily feel RIGHT, but it doesnt feel infuriatingly wrong the way it does when people think im a het woman SO. i identified as bi, then aro/ace/agender all at once, then agender and bi with a preference for women, and now im confused if im a lesbian or not. god that was a whole lot more than i thought i would write, considering that everything above is basically just the explanation needed to understand what im about to say lol basically, since im essentially interested in women (with the guy-bj fantasy and the ocasional crush on an nb person), i know that, due to the level of attraction (or lack thereof) and my general ambivalence towards anyone not a woman, im essentially more or less attracted only to women. fine, cool, esp since i cant see myself ever actually ending up with a man (he would literally have to be the most Perfect man ever and honestly i cant think of any scenario where i end up with a dude) which is all fine and its honestly something ive subconsciously known since... forever, and tbh that hasnt really been a source of stress for like three years. tbh ever since i saw the term nonbinary lesbian and became friends with more lesbians and learned more about their specific culture (specifically butch and gnc lesbians) ive kinda been wondering if i fall somewhere in there. tbh whatever i end up identifying it wont change how i dress/talk/act, i actually am not that fussed about it. my end game identity, if you will, wont actually change anything about my life, so im not stressed about the whole thing BUT. i AM grumpy about this. for a couple reasons- first is that im like... comfortable? in my identity as a nb person. like. kinda in an “if it aint broke dont fix it” sorta way. i do genuinely like being nb btw. plus, even though everyone in my life is great and wont think its dumb or whatever to change my mind like this after several years, i still feel a little stupid at the thought of changing identities. not in a way where im concerned about what others think, but literally just like in a dumbass kinda way. also (this is a super tiny percentage btw) i dont wanna play into the t/erf narrative that trans identities are just women getting confused and even being misled (esp them saying afab nb/trans guys have internalized misogyny to the point of literally not wanting to be women) again, thats a super small part, but it is still galling to think that some fuckhead t/erf could end up using me as a talking point. plus ill totally cop to the fact that, unless i IDd as a nb lesbian, id be a cis woman, meaning i wouldnt count as trans anymore. idk. ive just always felt very at peace at the idea of being trans and part of that community and ive genuinely enjoyed being part of it. so like. i still want to belong. obviously lesbians have an equally established community thats just as rich, but idk. if i did end up as a cis woman id be on the outside looking in at the trans community, and its so dumb because i know the whole reason any community of marginalized people is founded in the beginning is to survive, not to be this fun “haha, you cant join!” type thing, but still... part of the reason that im so concerned about this last point is that, as a fat afab nb person, ive never been seen as trans. (a fat butch, perhaps, but no one looks at me and thinks that im trans). so like. my experiences with transphobia are entirely secondhand or those micro-micro-microagressions that are completely ludicrous as the sole source of oppression, yknow? so ive basically only had the fun and spicy parts of being trans (having an in with the crowd) with none of the downsides. i always felt kinda... weird? about that, ESPECIALLY once i became friends with some trans girls and saw some of the truly horrific shit they go through. tbh, i only felt a little weird about that until people started calling me a lesbian and me not... hating it. so i guess rn i kinda feel like i barely count as trans (its funny because i dont feel like that about earlier on, only now that people are essentially calling me a woman and my reaction is just “eh, whatever”) anyway.... ive noticed that, since people have been calling me a lesbian, ive been gravitating towards stuff that... is like... stereotypically lesbian. i know i said earlier that me changing or not changing my identity wouldnt change my life, but i meant that more like... i wouldnt actively change the ways that ive been behaving (even though this whole starting to dress more like a stereotypical lesbian thing started recently and presumably as a result of people thinking i was a lesbian! that was... organic) like the other day i went and bought a bunch of flannels with the express intention of looking more masculine. ive always liked short hair but alsjsks i literally looked up potential haircuts the other day and all of the ones i liked were tagged specifically as lesbian haircuts sorry im still laughing my ass off about that that is the FUNNIEST fucking thing anyway. so... its almost as though im starting to pick up the dress/appearance of a butch lesbian? also this is kinda random but since ive technically really never experienced transphobia, i may potentially (subconsciously) be afraid of id’ing as lesbian since it would mean actually facing homophobia..? like. i had a taste of it as a kid, but i havent really been pegged as as queer up until the last year or so, meaning that the last... decade or so ive basically not had any bad experiences due to gender/sexuality. so like. since rn i only sometimes accidentally get pegged as a lesbian and it never occurs to anyone that i might be trans (meaning i dont get hit with any transphobia), if i were to id as lesbian id basically be going from no oppression to lots of oppression. im not CONSCIOUSLY afraid of this, but it might be an underlying fear that could be preventing me from switching identities...? again, this is hypothetical, and again, i dont feel strongly that i am a woman also.... i dont feel anxious about being unsure of my identity (thats a first! knowing my id has been fine, but those in between bits where i didnt know have always been horrible). so theres no pressure for me to figure this out quickly. i can sit on this for a good long while
