Debut: Super Mario Galaxy 2
Is there any feeling more frustrating than being incessantly mimicked by that one annoying kid from school? You tell him to stop copying you, and you know what he does? He repeats “stop copying me” right back at you! The absolute nerve of the guy! These are my childhood traumas.
Anyway. If the rage of all these tortured children took to a physical form, it’d probably look like a Cosmic Clone. Once they show up, they imitate Mario’s every move, even if its physically impossible for them to do so, like jumping off a platform that’s disappeared. They even imitate Mario’s death animations! Now that’s dedication! If Mario jumped off a bridge, would they do it too? The answer is yes, they would.
Your only option is to keep moving! Go, go, and don’t stop! Don’t worry about me! I’ll hold them back! (I won’t)
If you didn’t have enough of them, then there’s more Cosmic Clones in 3D Land! And these ones took the motto of quality over quantity to heart, because they only show up one at a time in this game! But there are giant ones this time, too!
They’ve also lost their hat. You know, I get it’s modelled after this game’s Small Mario, but I just can’t take them seriously with that hairstyle! That, and the fact they have no moustache. Mario really is just a big-nosed baby without his iconic cap and ‘stache!
Seriously, what the heck are they? Where do they come from? They’re probably some kind of shape-shifting space entity, but it’s also fun to think that they’re just some odd alien that happens to look like Mario. Space is a big and weird place, after all! And speaking of things that happen to look like Mario….
It’d feel like a waste to make this post without talking about Cosmic Mario, from Super Mario Galaxy (the first one)! Are they even related? See, in Japanese, his name is Shadow Mario… Hold on, then what about the Shadow Mario we all know and love? Well, he’s called Fake Mario in Japan, of course!
Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. Cosmic Mario plays the role of this game’s Koopa the Quick or Il Piantissimo, racing you to the Star, but unlike those two, he has no dialogue or motivations at all! He’s just a Mario-shaped entity with a space.png texture overlayed on top… And you know, I make fun of that, but I honestly think it’s very cool-looking!
And who could forget Cosmic Luigi? Cosmic Luigi is like Cosmic Mario, but cooler. He knows all the shortcuts in a stage and is just generally a better racer. Cosmic Luigi gets all the cosmic girls and all the love from his cosmic parents. Is this Luigi’s full potential when he’s not dragged down by his lack of self-confidence? Or something!
And speaking of cosmic girls, it’s the Cosmic Spirit, this time from Galaxy 2 again! She’s the last one, I promise. And you know, she looks oddly familiar, but I can’t quite put my finger on it… Basically, she’s this game Super Guide! But rather than watching her beat the level for you, she turns into an orb and takes control of your body! Great! Get yourself a girl who does that.
Man, something about watching Mario’s body get turned into a puppet is unnerving to me. But it’s cool! I love you, Cosmic Spirit, whoever you are, wherever you are. She never appears for Luigi though. Maybe she doesn’t like him. I’m sorry, Luigi…
But! Isn’t it so cool that all these entities just exist out there? Maybe there’s a cosmic version of you out there in outer space. That’s right, you! And maybe they’re reading a post on Cosmic Tumblr made by Mod Cosmic F Boy! Man, I’m pretty much a regular astrophysicist already.
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