Life as it Happens

Journals, Rants, and Thoughts... among other things.

[pikaflwa]

I’m 22 years old with a lot to look forward too. But I’m slowly working. Slowly feeling expectations rise again as people ask mundane questions due to small talk etiquette. I slowly feel it. I’m still fumbling. I’m still stuttering. I’m still a mental mess. I now understand the worries of wendy’s father practicing his small talk in front of the mirror. You have to portray someone that’s moving forward no matter what. It’s suffocating. But I myself want to move forward and if that’s what I want I’ll take it at my own pace. I’ll do it without feeling the need to impress others. I want myself to be proud... but it’s still difficult to find a routine. Wake up and sleep at decent hours. To not feel completely tired from nothing. What is my goal anyways? I’m wandering in nothings and greys.

[pikaflwa]

There’s been a lot of things that have been wandering around in my head. Past, present, future, just too many things. I’ve lost count to how many times I’ve messed up, felt embarrassed or felt the need to smash a fist against a wall.

It’s weird really. I’ve been silently doing something for so long. Seeing people’s thoughts as my own worries and wondering if this is truly what I should do. So silently I went ahead in my own journey. I didn’t complain when I didn’t understand. I didn’t waste others time when it came to something I’d been troubled by. I silently did things by myself.

But now I have a whole new worry. A worry that now that I’ve met so many people there are so many eyes on me. There’s so many spectators following me on what I’m going to do with my life. I honestly don’t know what to think of them. But there was a time when my worries were shared with people. People who cared about my journey and I cared about theirs. Instead of my silent journey I could voice my concerns and not feel so lonely. I had just a taste of such a feeling and now I’m back to the same lonely feeling with a new bitter taste to it. There’s nothing like knowing what could of been but there’s nothing like the life you live now.

Please don’t regret anything in the next year. Work hard and know that you are loved.

[pikaflwa]

All I️ want is happiness to my future self and to those around me. If my present self needs to suffer for now then I️ hope it’s worth it.

[pikaflwa]

I know I think a lot. I escape into my head with theoreticals and wishes of moments I want to happen. But I'm stuck being who I am right now with the situations I can't control. I can be disappointed or live the day to how I want it to be. But I'm just stuck in my head.

[healingsuggestions]

just text them, they miss you too.

[pikaflwa]

Me: I don't have the energy for this

Someone: For what?

Me: *gestures vaguely*

[aposse-deactivated20210902]

do you ever just crave domesticity? to coming home to a partner, meld into them like you do your bed after a long day, soak your mind in the serenity of theirs like a warm bath to soothe the knots in your body, wrap yourself in their warmth and just fucking sigh from pure comfort

[slutauthority]

im not crying there’s just overpriced college education in my eye

[shithowdy]

real adult™ tip from a real adult™ with executive dysfunction

do stuff while waiting for other stuff

like that sounds intuitive and vague but so much of the day is spent in a period of wait and if you struggle to motivate yourself to do things then this is the best time

waiting for your water to boil? bag up your garbage. waiting for your coffee to drip? wipe down your counters. roommate taking up the bathroom? scoop the cat box. waiting for your food to cook in the microwave? do however many dishes you can while it’s in there. 

waiting is the perfect time to do a limited amount of something for yourself where you would be otherwise just standing around doing fuck-all

[maddiebiscuits]

THIS IS REALLY HELPFUL!

[vaspider]

I actually turn this into a game!

“How many chores can I do while the water is boiling for my tea?”

“Can I put away the dishes and wipe the counters before my lunch finishes reheating?”

“Can I sweep the floor AND change the laundry while the dogs are out back?”

You can totally do this! If you make it like a game, also, you will get better at it, and you can be like ‘yes, now I put away the dishes AND wiped out the sink before my water boiled, I am a level 2 Adult!’

[pikaflwa]

You know all I want is just not over think that someone is going to be in my life. I just want to care enough so they know I care and that they won't run away. I want them to listen. I want them to know that me having other friends isn't me running away. I'm caught in this weird pattern every time. It's damn ridiculous. I'm a mental mess, that's something that isn't new. But I'm dealing with a loneliness I can't escape without harboring feelings. Maybe I'm overthinking again but I know how they work. Emotions are very transparent sometimes and sometimes I see those glimpses. Today was one of them. An overwhelming sensation of dread. Also. Life is definitely a bitch. I'm hating every ounce of my decisions. Well I can pay the price or sacrifice the consequences. I hate people. I'd been used again ... I've been cautious but I guess this is my fault for feeling lonely. I feel hopeless ... I feel stupid. I feel like I can't distinguish a future without destroying myself more. Why can't friendship be easy?

[pikaflwa]

I'm so so so so tired. Internalising everything is exactly what's destroying me. The one person I've told about my anxiety and suicidal thoughts makes things worse. I mean theyre great but there's still so much misunderstanding when we communicate. It's hard... I feel like id rather pretend for awhile so then they think I'm fine again. To think I'm doing better and then I can silently cry myself to sleep.

[pikaflwa]

Given the situation, I can either care 1000% or I can give no fucks. Today, I gave no fucks.

[pikaflwa]

I'm so deathly afraid of any of my friends finding my blog. There's no words to describe how paranoid I am of one day they decide to get a tumblr and ask me "hey I know you have one of these. Add me" And I'm just gonna scream and run away.

[nudesornaw]

if you’re having a bad day, here’s a cute little marching band

[joshpeck]

i will never be sad again because of this video

[pikaflwa]

I just want to talk about my friend really quickly. For the time being I'm going to call them H. H and I have been friends for about six months, I guess, and have been relatively close best friends the past 4 months. So as you can tell me and H have kinda had a relatively fast paced friendship. I mean we go to school together, work together, and play on the worship team together. There's a lot of time spent together that allowed this friendship to be what it is today. Now I'm not complaining about it right now. What I'm trying to say is that H has become such a significant part of my life that it's hard to imagine how my life would be without them. I'm gonna be moving away in a year and the thought of us drifting apart kinda sucks. H is the kinda person who doesn't care about the people that leave them even if they were a significant part of their life at one point. I'd like to think that I'm different in some way and we've had this conversation about it but I'm still kinda weary. I feel like once I leave I have to deal with this sense of missing my best friend again and having to deal with missing my other half, as corny as that sounds its true. H has gotten to know me to a T and its embarrassing and comforting at the same time. I mean, how is it possible for someone to know so much about you without even having to say anything about it. H has the ability to read my mind in some situations or even my body language and H just gets it. How am I supposed to deal with that kinda void when I leave? It just fucking sucks cause I know H is probably just gonna move on while I wallow a bit in missing them and become depressed. Now I love H but its one of those things where I know when the time comes this train is gonna stop until we meet again.

[pikaflwa]

So I heard from a friend that writing out all your stressors can decrease your stress. Mkay. Let's see how this works. 1. Make a rehearsal plan for a hymnal project for conducting 2. Write a 10 page research paper for piano ped. 3. Write a 10 page paper for philosophy 4. Prepare a 10 minute presentation for music history 5. Practice my ass off for juries (still have to learn 1 1/2 pieces ) 6. Write 2 short observation papers for philosophy 7. Another group observation for piano pedagogy. 8. Practice my composition to play for recitals. 9. Practice for my recital 10. Compose first choral piece 11. Do philosophy hymn project that I never got around to doing ... 12. Finish joy to the world orchestration ... Well I guess it sorta work but the fact I have 2 ish weeks to get it all done is kinda scary.

[pikaflwa]

i don't know when this started happening but I’ve given up hope in school. I’ve lost all motivation to do things and I’m getting sick of the mundane. 

I have no idea if i’m just becoming more depressed over certain situations or if I’m being actually fairly reasonable for all the things that are happening right now. Either way... I just want to give up. 

and I know there are a lot of people that care about me but I just need time to stop right now but it just never will.