Where mediocre mind dumps take place.

This is a description. It is not very descriptive.

[pillowbookwriter]

Letter to past self

Hey, I was reading your posts and I just want to say that it gets better. You get better. You have a job you love and friends aplenty. You get way better at being social. Like...really good. You--we--actually have a social life now. We're responsible and more or less financially independent. We have people that care about us and people that want to be around us. Our students seem to really like us and we like them back. We learned how to crochet and we have been reading so many amazing books. We've made so many new friends and gone through so many new experiences. We've had so much fun and the bad times are few and far in between. But we're well equipped to deal with them when they come slithering around the corner. We're stronger now.

[pillowbookwriter]

I'm starting to feel weird again. Sort of like...I don't exist, almost? I don't quite know how to explain it. I feel like I'm not real. I'm just part of someone's over-extensive (and, thus far, pretty boring) imagination. It feels like I'm not...real. I don't really exist on the plane of reality. I'm somewhere else...or at least I think I am? I don't know. 

It's weird feeling. I haven't felt like this in months.

[pillowbookwriter]

I can't get over the feeling that i'm constantly being a bother to people and i just feel like it'd be better if i just disappeared. I think I'd like to just leave and cut all ties and just...start over somewhere new.

And it's weird because I have no concrete reason for feeling this way. I don't know. I've been having strange mood swings lately. It's gotten to the point where I'm always wary of being too happy because I know that I'll always feel just as awful within a few hours. 

[pillowbookwriter]

existence is numbing

[pillowbookwriter]

This is sort of late, but I did end up getting a typewriter! Now I just need to think of something good enough to write. I wrote a few scribbles on there, but none of them were very good. It was just practice to get used to using the typewriter, to be honest. Hopefully I can find something good to write again. 

Here's a picture, anyway!

[pillowbookwriter]

I might be getting a typewriter soon and I am overly excited about this. I just love the way they sound and feel and I got to try some in Portland when I visited last week and it was absolutely magical.

Anyway, hopefully this isn't one of those "YES THIS IS HAPPENING---oh wait due to other circumstances the thing I wanted to pass will not pass after all well shit"

[never-and-never-my-girl]

Le Ballon Rouge - Albert Lamorisse, 1956

[pillowbookwriter]

I just realized that I put random personal stuff on my main blog instead of here. I guess this one is just for more lengthy posts? I'm still not sure what I'm doing with this sideblog but I'll probably just add journal-like rambles and rants when I feel like it.

Speaking of which, MY POEM WAS PUBLISHED! Okay, so it was just in the university literary magazine's online edition (does anyone even read that?) but I'm still pretty happy. I want to try submitting elsewhere but first I need to write something good.

So hopefully I can do that after I've finished my coursework for tomorrow. It shouldn't take too long. I'm just doing a three page response for my Irish Literature class (I'll probably do it on a Yeats poem) and then write a rough draft of an Op Ed piece for my Writing class.

But all I want to do right now is mess about with the quill I bought and write stuff in my notebook but that'll have to wait until I've finished stuff that's due tomorrow.

[pillowbookwriter]

I think I'm going to rewatch Daria. I just really really love that show.

[pillowbookwriter]

My bra strap just broke. It's like it just gave up on life.

We could have talked it out, bra.

We could have figured something out.

This didn't have to happen.

[pillowbookwriter]

oh my god pork buns are the best things ever oh my god 

[pillowbookwriter]

Can I just please fast forward to this evening when finals will be done and I can play the piano until my fingers fall off please?

[pillowbookwriter]

Good shows and things.

[pillowbookwriter]

brocadelandscapes replied to your post: brocadelandscapes replied to your post: I have...

Just hate seeing people feel that down, it’s an awful place.

<3 You're a very kind person and it did get better. [:

[pillowbookwriter]

brocadelandscapes replied to your post: I have cried way too much within the last twenty...

Hang in there, if you want an ear, feel free to message me!

Thanks. I've just been a bit sick and classes have just started and I already feel buried but it should get better. You're very kind <3

[pillowbookwriter]

I have cried way too much within the last twenty four hours and I'm just sick of...well I don't even know what I'm sick of, but I just feel terrible and useless and worthless and tired

[pillowbookwriter]

I was sort of social today

My friend invited me out to dinner today with some of her friends and I agreed because I don't socialize very much and I want to change that.

Her friends are really, really nice and kind and funny. They did talk a lot about Magic The Gathering, which I know nothing about, but it was very interesting to listen to. We went to an Indian place, run by one of the kindest old men I've met. He hugs everyone and was altogether a spectacular person and made me feel at home and comfortable and just so very warm inside. It was a bit like being home, I guess. I'm not all too sure how to fully explain it.

After dinner, we went to her friends' apartment because they were having a gift exchange and I was invited to come along and I did. It felt awkward, though, because I wasn't really part of the group and they were exchanging gifts and things. Somehow, they gave me a gift, too (a heater because our apartment's heating is having a problem and I'm getting sick because of the cold) and a keychain from the Philippines. I just felt incredibly bad that I didn't have anything to give back. But I do love my presents.

But still, it felt a bit...off? I don't know. When I try to be social, I just end up feeling like I shouldn't be there. I want to be there but it feels like I'm a burden and that things would be better if I wasn't. All too often, I feel like there's a glass wall there and I'm just standing alone on one side and watching the others talk and laugh. I think I'd like to be a part of a group, but I'm not entirely sure how to begin. I seriously hate that and I wish it wasn't so hard to make friends, but it is. 

And now I sound like some ungrateful little prick. I apologize and hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year and I wish all of you the best for the coming year.