Pizza. Wine. Smiles.

I will never give you parenting advice. I write what I know about...mostly awkward moments and things that make me laugh.  

[pizzawinesmiles]

I don’t fu*k with cats or dolphins...

and if one more person tries to put a random reptile on my shoulder I will flip out.  I don’t want your iguana or giant lizard on my body, I certainly don’t want to take a photo with your reptile on me and in no uncertain circumstances will I pay you any amount of money for said photo.  I also will not be tempted by offers of discounted rates to swim with the dolphins.  Dolphins are the rapists of the sea.  Seriously, Google search it.  They are total a-holes.  

I am not an animal person.  I don’t hide it.  I am allergic to cats and have no desire to pet random dogs on the street.  Some friends and family members have dogs I like/love.  But if you’re a betting person, I would bet that I won’t ooooh and ahhhh at your animal.  

Cats are probably my biggest nemesis.  Because of my allergies I have never spent any significant amount of time with any cats.  But when I am in the presence of these mini tigers they know I don’t like them.  They stare at me with their dead eyes.  There are a lot of cats wandering around in Mexico.  Lots.  

One particular Cabo feline has really gotten into my head.  She belonged to one of our neighbors and just roamed the local streets like she was running the town. Let’s call this cat Blair.  We had some cat loving friends visit/vacation with us last week and they took a real liking to Blair. Petting her, ooohing and ahhhing over her every time she walked by.  I begged them to leave her be - but they couldn’t resist Blair’s non-existent charm.  Then it happened.  One night after a few margaritas we retired to the condo.  On our walk back we encountered Blair.  I hurried my thunder thighs right into the building and up the stairs to our second floor condo while the others played with creepy Blair.  Eventually everyone came in and made fun of my fear of cats.  It was then that Blair proved herself to be what I knew she was all along - a witch.  Somehow this creepy cougar flew up to our balcony and into our living room.  Just walked in like she lived there.  Showed no sign of wanting to leave.  Her actions were deliberate and creepy.  There are no stairs outside.  She used some of that Blair Witch Project magic in an effort to make me into leaving leave the premises.  I screamed and locked myself in the bedroom while Alex and our friends laughed and wondered how she got up to our unit...and how they were going to get her out. 

We extended our stay in Mexico one month but no way in hell (where I believe cats are born) I was staying in that condo with that cat as my neighbor.  You win Blair.  

[pizzawinesmiles]

Vacation Friends

So many people I know always return from vacation talking about their new “vacation friends.”  They meet another couple and everything lines up - wives get along with the wife and husbands get along with the husband.  They parasail and split bottles of wine and make memories with virtual strangers.  This has literally never happened to me.  I think it might be Alex.  I think of myself as friendly and outgoing....generally the best kind of person to be around.  But the only people I attract when on vacation are the clingers.  

For example, our first weekend here I was lounging in the pool at Tesoro.  This was after my wardrobe malfunction so I was feeling a little vulnerable drinking my Miami Vice in the deep end.  A seemingly nice couple struck up a conversation with me.  Rhonda and Denny.  They were from Portland.  We talked about Oregon wine and weather.  Rhonda stumbled around the water a little unaware that I was trying to maintain some social distance.  You could tell Rhonda was the type who liked to make vacation friends.  I was weary.  Her husband wanted to go back to their shaded lounge chairs.  Rhonda said “go ahead Denny you fun hater - I will hang out with Kelly.”  Oh no.  She noticed some other people in the pool she recognized and asked “Kelly have you met Jason, Cary, Brent, Lisa and the rest of their family?” I shook my head and watched Rhonda slosh her way over to a large group of people who appeared to notice her noticing them and were backing away.  “Guys, hey guys - I want you to meet my friend Kelly. She is from Chicago and likes red wine”  Oh no.  I stayed put.  At first they ignored her.  Then one of the women said “Rhonda I already told you we’re trying not to engage with outsiders - we’re distancing.  Remember, Rhonda?” They stare at me.  I give a shake of my head and wave of my hands half of me saying “No problem” the other half saying “I don’t want to meet you anyways LISA.”  Dang it.  I messed up big.  I befriended the resident resort clinger.  I am not proud of how I handled the situation but I told Rhonda I needed to use the bathroom and just never returned.  I guess some things aren’t meant to be.  

More on the one friend I did make - Pilar the bathroom attendant at the Cabo Wabo in my next blog.  Pilar, she gets me. 

[pizzawinesmiles]

Potty Talk

I am sorry I haven’t had time to update.  I have been busy breaking the toilet in our condo every day.  No one will believe me but I swear I haven’t done anything “break worthy” in the bathroom here. 

The battle between me and toilets has been going on since I was a little Cruiser.  My parents will tell you it’s because I eat too much cheese.  I say it’s bad luck.  I think the worst issue was when I was about 12....those of you who knew me at that age are probably picturing this: curly hair no one taught me how to style, a child like spirit dressed in women's clothing because juniors sizing never fit my “big boned” adolescent body, and a fudge brownie wrapper or two shoved in my pocket.  Anyways, this particular time I had a little issue with the toilet but didn’t notice so I proceeded to take a nice long bath.  Probably used some Juniper Breeze (90′s kids where you at?) bubble bath and relaxed and thought about whether I would ever actually meet Keanu Reeves or Jared Leto.  Keanu from Speed not the Matrix and Jared aka Jordan Cataloano.  At any rate, my relaxing bath was soon interrupted - it turns out the water from my “oops” was leaking into the basement.  When I say leaking...I mean pouring down the walls. This wasn’t the kind of thing you could just throw a few towels down and fix.  Pretty sure new flooring and drop ceilings were needed.  Sorry Mom and Dad.  

That was probably the most expensive issue I created - but not the most embarrassing.  My girls trip to DR where the maintenance man shamed me about abuse of toilet paper was also pretty bad.  Luckily the entire lecture was in Spanish and I only understood a few words.  But I knew by the way he looked at me it was bad.  He used pretty powerful gestures too.  

So now, here we are in a beautiful condo in Cabo and the master toilet is not working.  The issue started Sunday right after we checked in. I swear I did not do anything damaging in that bathroom.  Naturally, Alex doesn’t believe me.  There is a plunger but it doesn’t work...and yes I know how to use a plunger.  Alex made a Wal Mart run and said he would grab another plunger.  Apparently there are only 2 kinds of plungers in this area.  The faulty plunger we already had and the toy like plunger Alex purchased on Monday.  It is like a plunger for a doll house.  Literally I did not know they made plungers so small.  I would post a photo but that seems gross.  Anyways, we couldn’t resolve the issue so I had to email the host on Tuesday.  They immediately sent someone out.  The nice man came in with a slightly stronger looking plunger, I heard some splashing, he grabbed a mop, then he was gone. 

When I went to use the restroom.  The toilet would still not flush.  We were duped.  Ok, fine.  There are 2.5 bathrooms here.  I will use one of the other toilets.  

Then we notice the water pressure in the condo is really low....like trickling.  Now I am even more confident that I could not have caused this problem!  Surely, I am not responsible for a clog that would impact the plumbing in the entire condo!  That’s some real Lou Ferrigno stuff.  I email the hosts again, assuring them that we are not “those American guests” but that we were still having issues.  They send another man out.  He goes on the roof and does something.  (That's a first for me!  The roof! Further proof this was not my fault.) He tinkers around in the bathroom a bit then he shows Alex the toilet is flushing.  Everything seems good.  Until this morning.  I thought it was safe.  I thought it was fixed.  I wasn’t.  

So now I sit here, drinking my morning Coca-Cola Light trying to figure out how to word my next email to the hosts...

[pizzawinesmiles]

Thank God for Mirrored Elevators

I've been in Cabo for 24 hours and didn't think I would have much to post. Until I walked from my hotel room to the pool.

I felt like Beyoncé strutting to the pool with my newly done hair, new swim suit, a new Gucci shades. I was really feeling myself...and I felt like people were noticing. Everyone I passed gave me a very enthusiastic "hola!" I played it cool - smiling under my mask, a casual toss of the hair and a wave with some extra pep in my step. Alex was saving us a seats at the pool. I made a mental note to tell him how friendly everyone was at the hotel as I waited for the elevator. I stepped into the elevator and as the mirrored doors closed I saw it. A wardrobe malfunction. A major wardrobe malfunction. I was more like Janet Jackson than Beyonce. (Side note, I agree that JT should have taken the blame with Janet on that one.)

So yeah, that happened.

[pizzawinesmiles]

I summer in Michigan.

Who am I and why do I think I can do this?  Who starts writing at the age of 37 after the most boring year of their life?  I have been working from home with my husband since March 10th.  Nothing is happening.  

Well, I guess that is not entirely true.  My husband and I have made some kind of exciting decisions during the pandemic.  We purchased a small home in Michigan on the water.  Everyone thought that was a little crazy though. Mostly because I am not what people consider outdoorsy.  Plus we didn’t plan like responsible adults would plan to buy a second home.  We just kind of did it.  The best part - I can say “I summer in Michigan” now.  That’s kind of a big deal for people from Illinois.  Saying “I summer in Indiana” just doesn’t have the same ring.  

Oh, yeah - my husband and I are also going to live and work in Cabo for a month.  I don’t speak Spanish and my skin sizzles in the sun like bacon on a hot skillet. I imagine I will have a lot to say here about my mini digital nomad experience.  Oh, don’t try to rob our house while we are there.  We have a mad crazy Ring security system.  Got it for Christmas in 2019.  Totally going to set it up tomorrow.  So don’t get any ideas sticky fingers internet readers. 

Ok, ok, I guess maybe some people will read this.  If nothing else I can stop sending my family emails and calling it a blog.  My sister gets really pissed when I do that.  She’s always like “You don’t have a blog.  This is an email.  You can’t send an email and call it a blog.”  Look at me now big sister!