this is the night i wanted to confess to a friend i was interested in him.
new years eve is typically one of my least favorite nights of the year. last year (2011 turning 2012) was the first time i went out and enjoyed myself. so this year i tried to do recreate that good time.
most of my friends were working, so me and two others went to the bar where my best friend worked for some drinks. it was a nice bar in my hometown, but if my friend wasn't feeding us free drinks i wouldn't have gone there. we sat at a booth close to the door and the winter chill. we could see the whole bar with tables cutting the middle horizontally and a bar behind them.
it was mardi gras themed. i hate themes. and normally i don't like holidays for the prescribed fun i'm supposed to have. but i want to change that scrooge like mentality.
we had a few beers and it was almost midnight. the manager passed around free champagne for a bar-wide toast.
after happy new years shouts, texts, and phone calls my best friend suggested we blow some coke. this, among others, is one drug i swore i'd never try (a story to come later). but i followed him to the bathroom with another of my friends.
my friend that suggested it was dressed in all black dress clothes. he was working and for the purpose of this story his name was tom. the friend that came with us joe. tom took out a little plastic baggy of white powder and shook some out onto a plate. he cut it up with his library card and split it into three different lines. joe rolled up his sweater's sleeves and a two dollar bill. he put the bill to his nose and inhaled a line. tom followed. i was last.
it was only the second time i snorted anything before. it didn't really hit me like i thought it would. i also wasn't thinking for that split second after. i sniffed my nose over and over again. my mouth tasted like gasoline--which really freaked me out. i thought this would be how i'd die. dramatic, i know. but coke is something i never really thought i'd do and i'm quick to jump to the worst.
tom had to get back to work so we filed out of the bathroom to a line of five guys. the first had a white sweater and slicked back hair.
"what the fuck was going on in there?" he said.
that's when i started answering new years texts:
friend: "happy ny, brother"
friend: "i use dood all the time"
friend: "also, you are awesome and really cute"
me: "ha. thanks dood, i really appreciate it. can we hang out when we get back?"
friend: "yes dood. Please! Would you ever get with a dood, not that that changes my answer of hanging out with you, i'm just curious."
i said i wasn't sure. i worked with this kid and he was really good friends with a girl i hooked up with at school. sexuality confounds me. i come from a conservative family that all ready thinks i'm gay and if i told them i was, i'm worried about their reaction. deliberately i haven't experimented in college because i need their money to pay for my degree.
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