Please Control Me Old @pleasecontrolme-old - Tumblr Blog

Lying

Mistress doesn't lie to me. But I want her to.

I want her to trick and deceive me. I want her to be cruel to me by telling me half-truths and twisting things. I want to not be able to tell if she's lying or telling the truth. I want to be confused and unsure if she means what she says or not.

Keep me off-balance. It will just increase my dependence on her when she chooses to use words of honey. I will long for those pretty words, beg for them.

And right after she tells me how much I mean to her and how much I excite her and how important I am to her, and just as I start to believe it, I want her to laugh in my face and tell me how pathetically gullible I am and that she is only using me for her amusement.

And when I am crushed and broken, then tell me the pretty words again...

Clothes pins at work

I love my Mistress's cruel side.

While I was at work, Mistress decided that I would wear clothes pins under my clothes when I went to lunch with work colleagues. Right before lunch she ordered me to go to the restroom and put them on.

I have to short pins that I put on my nipples. So long as I wear a baggy sweater or jacket, noone would notice. I also had to put four regular clothes pins on my balls. So accoutered I returned to the office and joined my colleagues for lunch.

Once away from my desk I was out of contact with Mistress. It's one thing to suffer pain for someone when they're there to enjoy it. But it's another kind of suffering to go through it when you're totally on your own. Then it's just hellish.

Normally I have a decent tolerance for clothes pins, but that's usually when I'm still and they are exposed. I realized pretty quickly that having them rubbing under my clothes, while walking to lunch, and having to hide the pain as I conversed casually with my colleagues was going to be tougher than I expected.

Noone wondered why I was walking slightly more wide-legged than usual as I tried to not rub the clothes pins on my balls. But it was my nipples that hurt the most. My shirt and sweater were pulling on them and despite the fact that they are very short it was still painful.

We got to the restaurant, got our food, and started to eat. I knew that I wasn't going to make it and that I wouldn't be able to have the pins on as long as I usually would.

I ate my food quickly, make an excuse to my colleagues, and hobbled as quickly as I could back to the office. I contacted Mistress on the way back to let her know I needed her permission to take the clothes pins off soon. There is a restroom in the building that is for a single person and is completely private. She instructed me to go there.

That rest room is on a somewhat busy corridor, and there is another restroom next to it. There is decent sound proofing but even so, it wouldn't take a lot of noise for someone outside or in the next rest room to hear. The restroom is in a common area on the ground floor, so is services all floors, not just our office. Thus anyone around is most likely not going to be a colleague of mine.

I waited in the restroom until Mistress was ready and finally we were connected on the phone. She seemed to be enjoying my predicament and wanted to listen as I took the pins off. She instructed me in the order to take them off. I had to suppress my sounds of pain because I didn't want the person in the next restroom or people in the corridor to hear me. Nevertheless I'm sure some sounds got out which Mistress surely enjoyed.

I love my Mistress's cruel side.

The Public Acknowledgement

Earlier in the week I was in a supermarket and talking with Mistress. She wanted me to address her as Mistress loud enough for others to hear, but I couldn't do it. I left the supermarket not able to do it. So Mistress wanted to try it again a couple of days later.

I dreaded it for the day or so before it happened because I knew it would be incredibly hard for me to do. In fact I felt like this would be one of the hardest things for me to do. On the other hand I felt like it was a milestone and would be good to get through it. But I dreaded it more.

I don't know what the issue is. But there's something about acknowledging being submissive in public that I just find is a wall I can't get through.

On that morning I pulled into the parking lot of the supermarket and sat in my car. Mistress was on the phone. I absolutely needed her there. I could not have even attempted it if she weren't on the phone live with me. Ideally she would have been in the supermarket with me, watching from a distance, talking to me on the phone. I just didn't want to feel alone doing this...

Mistress was supportive and encouraging. I sat in the car delaying the inevitable, I didn't want to do it. But in a moment of courage I suddenly declared that I wanted to get it over and done with and left the car.

Inside the supermarket it wasn't as crowded as it had been two days before. I walked around near the checkout area talking to Mistress. As I walked passed people they might have been able to hear me, but that didn't count. There was only one way I could claim this as an achievement; I knew what I had to do...

I needed to be in a checkout line, with people in front and people behind so I was "stuck" in the line with no escape. Then I had to address my Mistress so they could hear, with me being unable to leave. But the thought of doing that freaked me out almost to the point of wanting to leave.

Nevertheless I shored up my courage and tried to find a line. Unfortunately there were a ton of school kids around because of the high-school around the corner, so I had to wait for an appropriate line. I'm sure I looked suspicious lurking near the checkout area with no obvious purpose!

Eventually I saw an opportunity and got in line. I wasn't making a purchase, I was to ask for change for the newspaper machine. There was an old man in front of me and I think it was another man behind me. That sucked. I'd much rather they have been women.

Now in the line I spoke to my Mistress in what I thought was a loud voice, being sure to address her as Mistress. I think the man in front of me reacted, but I'm not sure. I didn't turn to see if the man behind me heard!

I was doing it!

My heart was beating fast but I still didn't feel I'd fully achieved what I wanted because noone was acknowledging it. Soon enough I got to the front of the line, gave my money to the young check out lady and asked for change. It was now or never.

She could see I was talking on the phone since I had my earbuds in. As I took the change I looked her right in the eyes and spoke loudly and clearly on the phone: "Yes, Mistress!" Our eyes locked... and I bolted!

I was almost hyperventilating as I rushed out the store, I had done it! But the feeling of accomplishment wasn't really hitting me yet, I was still reeling from the panic sensation. I wanted to run to my car but I went and got the newspaper first (for another task later on). Then I ran quickly to my car which felt like sanctuary.

I rested my head on the steering wheel, breathing hard and recovering. The whole time Mistress was talking to me and being encouraging. Even so it took at least a full five minutes before I felt calm enough to talk normally. I felt like I'd been through a huge ordeal.

It wasn't really an ordeal, not physically anyway. But I felt like I'd been through some really tough and draining experience. Yet it was all in my mind. It's funny how strongly we can be held captive by nothing but our own mind.

Eventually I had to continue driving to work. As I did, and I kept calming down, a sense of elation started to creep in. I felt like I'd done an achievement that I've never been able to do before in my life. (It's also one that I don't feel the need to repeat; once is enough!)

I also started to feel incredibly open to Mistress. It was a sensation she had described to me many times, but for the first time I felt it. It was the idea of a wall coming down. It was almost as if I could physically feel like a wall was gone and Mistress had more access to me. And it felt good...

Putting Mistress's desires first

After work, once I am at home and I usually can't get on the computer until late at night. On this day, I spent hours in the late afternoon and evening looking forward to IM/chatting with Mistress. Eventually I was able to get privacy and go online. But she wasn't there.

That was okay, I knew she would probably turn up at some point, so I spent time on Tumblr. Well that always works me up however there was a standing rule that I was not allowed to touch myself so the only result was that my frustration grew.

And then Mistress came online. I was so excited! I loved having a connection with her. I didn't care what she said I just wanted her attention. I had high hopes that she was going to play with me in some way, thus I was extra-excited to see her for that reason.

So when she said was too tired to do anything and that she was going to go to bed, I felt like I'd slammed into the ground after falling off a cliff. I was gutted. I went from an extreme high to an extreme low.

Given what our relationship is normally like, I don't usually fail to get my way. That's not something I'm used to. So I absolutely stunned myself when I meekly and immediately said, "Yes, Mistress."

That was it.

I didn't complain that I'd been looking forward to seeing her for hours. I didn't reveal my current state of high-frustration. I didn't let her see my disappointment at not being played with. I simply accepted what she wanted.

I couldn't believe I was behaving that way! I was putting her desires in front of my own, and I did it automatically, without thinking, and I accepted it. That is when I realized I was truly being submissive.

Of course I was intensely disappointed. But I didn't show it. I served my Mistress by putting her needs first. Wow.

Log - Day 2 - Penis betrayal and other problems

As Mistress chats with me during the day or night, I will often get excited by what we're talking out. Consequently I get erections fairly often. I am required to report when I get an erection while talking which has led my penis to betray me many times.

I will be pleading with Mistress, insisting I don't want some humiliation, only to have to report to her that I am now hard. Of course that gives the game away and she knows I'm bullshitting. So unfair.

When these erections come they don't last too long because we're chatting over IM and there is a gap in time. The hard on is from an exciting thought or something she said, but with those chatting gaps or distractions at work, etc, it fades moments later. So it kind of goes up and down like a yo-yo many times as we talk. As a result it is often in a swollen or semi-hard state.

So it's not erect, but it would be screamingly obvious if I were to walk around. I have found myself trapped in my car or at my desk, unable to get up because I have to wait for it to go down fully. But Mistress will still be chatting with me! Even thought she doesn't mean it deliberately, it keeps my little guy swollen so I can't leave.

Many times during the day I have to ask her for a "pause" where she stops talking to me, to let me center myself and let my penis go down, so I can get up and walk around.

It sucks for men to have something so obvious and yet uncontrollable. It's a barometer of my mood that I can't control and tells Mistress what she needs to know even as I say something to the contrary. It's an effective tool for control in a public environment.

Log - Day 2 - "Good boy"

Several times Mistress has told me "Good boy" when I've done something to please her. That phrase is affecting me quite a bit more than I would've expected. It's very satisfying to hear it and I amost find myself wanting to do things just so I can hear it.

Day 2 - Log - Lost opportunity

During the day Mistress was in bed, perhaps relaxing before a nap. I sensed she was in the mood to play just a little bit and got excited. Then I got pulled away for a work lunch. Frak! Talk about being gutted. Why does real life have to interfere so damn much?

Log - Day 2 - Being "outed"

Mistress is not all cruel. She wants me to be humiliated on my regular Tumblr blog (which is about being a dominant, my usual role) as well as on her regular (submissive) blog where we both have many followers. This would be totally humiliating to me of course, to have so many people know my submissive/switch thoughts or even see pictures if Mistress posts any. For her to do that is very cruel. But she is not all cruel, she checked with me first. I did not "safeword" it so she is free to do it if she wants. She has not "outed" me yet and I will watch with trepidation to see what she does.

Log - Day 2 - Puppy training

Today I had a humiliating task to do. To show her I am a puppy in training I had to pee on a newspaper, while on all fours, like a puppy dog. My office building has a restroom on the ground floor which is for one person only. So it's large and can be locked. I went there with with my ... purse... (it's my backpack but Mistress makes me call it my purse, which sucks BTW, Mistress!) which contained what I needed. I put down a large plastic garbage bag. On top of that I laid down some newspaper. My cruel Mistress wanted a video of it, so I positioned my phone nearby, then got on all fours... and tried to pee. I could hear people in the lobby outside the door, and every time I heard voices it freaked me out. I checked that the door was locked twice! I also had to take off my shoes, socks, and pants entirely so as not to risk getting pee on them. I was able to leave my shirt on. Being mostly naked in a locked-but-public place added to my humiliation. There I am, naked from waist down, on all fours on some newspaper waiting to pee like a puppy, and the voices and people walking around outside the restroom freaking me out -- I was breathing heavy, probably whimpering in nervousness and humiliation. Eventually I was able to pee and it felt every bit as humiliating as Mistress probably hoped. I sent her the video but don't know if she has watched it or what she thought. I would love to know her reaction, to drive home the humiliation. If she told me nothing that would be another kind of humiliation -- going through all of that and then... nothing...

Log - Day 2 - Commuting with Mistress

I talk to Mistress in my car while driving to work, around 30 minutes. It's a chat app on my phone, so I record myself saying something, and she says something back or types something back. I love those times with Mistress because I'm alone in my car. I can't be interrupted. It's safe. I can give her my full attention without distractions (apart from driving!). I look forward to those times with her very much, I treasure them. This morning she teased me. I was squirming hard in my seat the whole way. She loves to tease me and I love (hate!) it. I'm not allowed to touch myself so squirming causes my cock to get a little sensation, and she let me today. Of course it's bare minimal sensation which ultimately only ends up making me more frustrated! I know that will happen, and yet I can't help it anyway. I am a slave to my lust. Like an animal, primal, automatic, I can't control it.

I hope Mistress uses that against me.

thecfnmwatch-deactivated2012081

pleasecontrolme-old

The rule was no clothes in the house. He always had to undress at the front door before coming in.

pleasecontrolme-old

I'm sorry for my errors, Mistress. Please let me some more details here...

You did not describe the incident in the store nearly well enough that your followers will understand what you were talking about. Maybe you weren't thinking about enough, which is a shame considering you're going to have to attempt it again...

Mistress instructed me to buy a newspaper for a task that her twisted mind had come up with. I stopped at a supermarket and went to the newspaper machines, but found I had no change. So I went inside to get change.

During this I was communicating with Mistress on my phone using a chat application. I record messages using my voice and send it, and she can type back to me. That lets me communicate with her safely while I'm driving. When I went into the store, I switched to typing so that I wouldn't have talk, since there were lots of people around.

All of the checkout lines were long and I only wanted change. That was when Mistress said I'm not allowed to type, but must speak. I paniced.

I looked for a short line so I could get out of there before having to speak. I tried the service counter, the florist counter, but nobody was at them. I was able to speak in snatches to Mistress when away from people but knew once I got in a long line I'd have to talk to her with other people nearby.

Then a miracle happened. A new checkout opened up as I was walking around and I was second in line. I had to respond to Mistress but I was able to stand back from the person in front of me and speak quietly. Then it was my turn at the check out and ... she had no change. Fuck!

After all that, I had to go in a long line anyway!

I got in a line and was hemmed in by a lady in front and one behind. I talked as quietly as I could, it must have been virtually inaudible to Mistress. Noone else could hear me. Somehow I got through it, got the change, bought a paper, and ran to the haven of my car.

Mistress was less than pleased. Despite that being extremely humiliating to me, it wasn't enough. She said we would do it again the next day.

The next day it couldn't happen because of work scheduling. So Mistress would like to try it again tomorrow. I'm dreading it more than I've dreaded anything in my life, I think. Out of all the tasks Mistress has given me or that I'm guessing will give me, I think this will be the hardest. I want to get through this week without safewording, this task had the potential to get me right to that line. I really, really, really don't want to do it.

... it’s also a way to force you to think about what’s coming, which you so dread - actually using a newspaper like a puppy and recording it for me. (Dear followers, did you know that my slave has NEVER allowed another person to watch him urinate?). I’m looking forward to that video a good deal. I KNOW I’m going to laugh at it - and what’s what you want, isn’t it, slave? - even as you hate it. You should be thanking me for the reminder of what’s coming, slave.

You're right, Mistress. Thank you for letting me be reminded of my upcoming task, Mistress.

pet-on-top:

You did a relatively decent job with this first report, slave. A few things are lacking, however. You did not describe the incident in the store nearly well enough that your followers will understand what you were talking about. Maybe you weren’t thinking about it enough, which is a shame considering you’re going to have to attempt it again…

You also apparently misunderstood the purpose of the newspaper every time you use the bathroom. It’s true that it’s a reminder that you are indeed a puppy in need of some serious training, but it’s also a way to force you to think about what’s coming, which you so dread - actually using a newspaper like a puppy and recording it for me. (Dear followers, did you know that my slave has NEVER allowed another person to watch him urinate?). I’m looking forward to that video a good deal. I KNOW I’m going to laugh at it - and what’s what you want, isn’t it, slave? - even as you hate it. You should be thanking me for the reminder of what’s coming, slave.

pleasecontrolme:

Mistress asked me to write about each day. This is Day 1.

I will have to summarize because I’m tired and fading…

I am not allowed to touch myself (i.e. my cock). I very quickly learned this is an effective way to control a male… I also learned how often I touch myself without realizing it now…

Log - Day 2 - Clothes pins in the shower

Late last night Mistress had me put two clothes pins on my cock. I always enjoy clothes pins so I was very happy when she made me do that. My happiness increased when she told me to keep wearing them while I showered. My happiness then dampened somewhat when she said I was to record a video of myself drying my cock and then removing the pins. Not because of the drying or pins, but because I had to record it. It is deeply humiliating to have to have a video that could be watched over and over for her amusement, laughing at me whenever she wanted. The recording was of my body drying off, then a close-up of my cock. I feel so exposed having a video of that... I have sent it to her but she has not told me if she watched it yet. I don't know what she thinks or how she reacted. I hate not knowing. While making the video and sending it to her didn't make me happy, I desperately wanted it because it's humiliating.

I don't understand, how can I want something so much when I also dread and hate it just as much?

Log - Day 1

Mistress asked me to write about each day. This is Day 1.

I will have to summarize because I'm tired and fading...

I am not allowed to touch myself (i.e. my cock). I very quickly learned this is an effective way to control a male... I also learned how often I touch myself without realizing it now that I can't.

I have to report every time I do touch myself for purposes of going to the toilet or hygiene. But it is to be minimal touching only.

I was instructed to buy a newspaper. In the shop, while recording it for Mistress, I had to talk in public. I could only make myself do it in a whisper because of the humiliation. This was a big wall: being embarrassed in public is something I usually go to great lengths to avoid. Mistress wasn't happy with the result and has said we will be repeating this and doing it properly. I asked if we could do it while on the phone. I don't think I can be alone for this task, I need her there. She agreed, thank you, Mistress.

I was instructed to keep pieces of newspaper in my pocket and place them in the toilet whenever peeing to symbolically represent a puppy peeing on a newspaper. Out of everything today this was the thing that affected me the least. She has given me a task for tomorrow to pee on a newspaper for real, kneeling like a dog. I am anxious as all hell about this task, because she wants it videoed for her amusement.

With all of the talking (mostly via chat) with Mistress today, my cock was up and down all day. Consequently this made me desperate. I felt an ache in the head of my penis as if I'd been pleasured for a while and then stopped. It was very distracting. Mistress cruelly would not let me touch it. Sometimes I rubbed it against my desk or my laptop when it was on my lap, but only for a moment. I confessed it to her each time. I just need to give it some feeling, dammit!

While sitting in a meeting a work I suddenly felt something with my cock, and guess it was some pre-come. I rarely produce pre-come, only if I've been pleasuring for a while with no release. So the fact that this happened with no touching was amazing! It wasn't very much, certainly not enough to soak through my pants. A couple of times my urine was cloudy from the excess semen I've apparently been producing and not releasing. My mean Mistress has done this to me... Thank you, Mistress.

Mistress pleasured herself today, but not while I was there. I felt left out like I was unimportant, small. It felt the same as if she fucked someone else while I was outside the door listening. I both loved and hated the feelings it gave me. I always want to know the details and she hasn't told me everything. I hope she will. I hate not knowing.

It's too complicated to go into now, but I breached Mistress's trust by topping from the bottom. I will not do it again, I will submit to her control completely. I'm so very sorry, Mistress...

Mistress has surprised me with how strong, harsh, and cruel she is. I love this side of her. I am finding myself needy of her. I crave her attention. I check my email and messages constantly for anything from her. Even if it's to be cruel to me.

This is going to be a loooong week...

Don't hold back

Mistress instructed me that on this blog I may not hold back, not matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

Yes, Mistress. But please take care of me...

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