distance, timing.

Begin Again | Kane & Lara

It was finally all out. Well maybe not all of it, but what could be said at that moment and what he felt about the present and the future had been revealed. Kane hadn’t imagined talking to Lara about this in a bowling alley of all places, surrounded by strangers who had no clue who he was or what had happened between them, or having it all come out in one breath. Timing was definitely a funny thing. In his daydreams, it was always winter when they talked about everything, and in an almost comical way it could be considered as a sort of metaphor for them. Winter was unpredictable and fickle. You never knew if it was going to be one of those years where the cold weather made you bite the inside of your cheek to keep from shivering even after wearing layer upon layer of sweaters and scarves, or if it was going to be one of those magical winters where the snow fell lightly and you could go outside to build snowmen and everything just felt okay. Ever since the break up and the first winter back when they barely talked and probably could’ve gone a lot better than it had, Kane felt like he’d been holding his breath until winter came around every year and he was face to face with Lara and knew for sure where they stood. Even if everything that he had just said didn’t change anything, at least it was in the air that hung between them and not just inside him like a ticking time bomb. Maybe now they could be like brisk autumns or warm, cheerful summers and move on from all the cold that still lingered. Whatever they were going to be and whatever they could be, Kane just really hoped it was better than what they had been for the last few years because winters were pretty damn tiring and he’d started to miss the sun a long time ago.

It seemed like forever since the last time they had made any physical contact and it felt so odd and foreign to Kane, but he accepted it with a genuine smile. He watched her carefully and wondered if she was as nervous as he was because it was the most they’d said to each other since the break up. It might have been a while, but Kane could see that Lara still had the same little habits like twiddling with her thumbs when she was thinking hard. Those memories still stuck in his mind even with time flying by so fast. “I.. really? I hope this can actually work out, you know? Maybe we could even hang out again or something,” he replied, giving a slight shrug of his shoulders. “I did mean what I said, even if it was a lot.” Kane finally pulled his eyes away from the blonde, settling his gaze on the half-eaten hot dog in his tray before picking it up and finishing the rest. Rachel and Steven looked like they were finished too since their trash was scattered everywhere but neither of them made an effort to get up and continue to bowl. “I don’t know if anyone want to bowl anymore, but I’ll go ahead and clean things up.” Kane stood up from the bench and started with Steven’s trash, picking up the remnants of his fries off the floor. Steven looked up at him with a admiring smile as if Kane was some kind of hero for picking up after him. When he was finished, Kane moved on to Rachel’s trash. She was surprisingly a lot messier than Steven despite being a lot older than him. The girl thanked him when he was done and he responded with a small nod. Lara was the only one left, but there wasn’t much to clean up anyway.”You can take your time. There’s no rush.” Kane sat on the other side of the same bench so that he was closer to the blonde. It was a move he wouldn’t have made a year ago.

She tries to remember all the encounters they'd had before this moment, all those times when she had so much to say but not enough courage to actually let him know. It's difficult, it's a little bit painful to try and think about it all because she also remembers how much each encounter drained her. Lara hated not being able to talk to him as openly as she wanted to but it was better now. She only really said a few things but she just felt so much better all of a sudden. It scares her sometimes that Kane could still hold that much power over her emotions. Over the years, she had worked on controlling that better and being able to control her own emotions. A smile forms on his face, and she returns it happily and exhaling. It'd been so long since she'd last seen a real smile cross his face, one that was meant for her anyway. He's smiled and laughed before but with other people, with people that weren't Lara, and even though it was lovely seeing him enjoy life, there was a certain melancholy feeling that came with not being the reason for that happiness. At the sight of his smile, she's overcome with relief and a certain kind of pride. It's been a while since Lara's pulled a smile from Kane and there was a time that she believed she no longer had the privilege of giving him such happiness. There was a time when she believed that she didn't deserve to see Kane happy anymore and that it was a sight only meant for those who didn't break his heart. There's a seedling of hope inside her sometimes that thinks he never loved her enough for her to break his heart too much and that maybe, being friends would still be okay and she still deserved it. With how long it took to even speak a word to him, it's obvious that's untrue. But that's behind them now and they can only move forward, Lara thinks that they've just taken a step in the right direction, together this time.

"Me too." She replies, fast like she's been holding her breath and waiting to say the answer. "Hang out again? I mean, yeah... That'd be great, I'd love that." Lara's not sure if she believes her ears, unable to believe that he suggested to go out again sometime and to hang out. She can't imagine doing this again, with him being more open and things being less tense. "With Steven and Rachel again? Or maybe other friends from high school?" Lara presses again, eyebrow quirked up because she can understand if that's what he meant. It would make more sense if he meant with another group of people where they weren't alone. Even though that's what she wants, almost desperately. It'd be easier to be more open to him if they were alone and even though being with other people meant that she could use other people as a distraction, it was just less personal. "Me too, I meant what I said too." She nods, agreeing with him and sweeping a couple stray hairs out of her eyes before realizing she didn't want him to have a clear view of her and so she looks down again. Lara nods again and her eyes follow him as he moves throughout the area to clean up after Steven and Rachel. She meets eyes with Rachel once and they share a knowing look, Lara smiling a bit and that's all it takes for Rachel to know that something's changed. He finishes up and sits back down again, noticeably closer to where she is and she doesn't know how to react. Was she supposed to acknowledge it or not? She doesn't quite know, doesn't even really know if she's supposed to have a reaction at all. "Actually, I've got it." Lara clears her throat, standing up so fast her vision goes spotty and moves to throw her trash away before going back and standing in front of everyone else. "Well, uhm, this has been fun, but," Lara takes out a phone and checks the time. Almost time for dinner. "We should be heading home. It was good hanging out with you, Kane." She shoots a smile in his direction before looking towards Steven and Rachel. Part of her wants to leave as fast as possible for fear that something may cause things to go south with Kane suddenly.

#vii.#para

Begin Again | Kane & Lara

Kane sat back in his usual seat next to Steven and let out a deep breath. He should probably refrain from talking to anyone ever again and just talk to Steven about the weather, school, or whatever came up. Talking to Steven made him feel like he was actually part of the group and not just some lonesome outsider who was invited on a whim the day before because the young boy still talked to him the same way he did the first day Kane had met him. Feeling like he belonged in the group could either be good or bad. Whenever he got too comfortable anywhere he became confident and could talk like there was no tomorrow and he couldn’t do that with Lara, and maybe not even with Rachel because the two seemed to be really close and it would be like he was talking to Lara. In all honestly, the only one out of the three that he didn’t feel like he had to censor himself completely was Steven, as childish as it seemed. Picking up his hot dog, Kane raised it to his lips to take a bit and swallowed. He hadn’t realized how hungry he’d gotten in the hour that they were at the bowling alley. It wasn’t a long time that had gone by, but when you skipped breakfast it seemed like ages. Kane moved to pick up his hot dog and finish it off but stopped mid-bite when he heard Lara speak. Raising his eyes to look over at the blonde, he realized she was talking to him and moved to drop his tray of food onto the seat next to him. “Uh…” he began quietly and awkwardly. The question had taken him off guard since he truly hadn’t expected her to ask why. Him and Lara were never really about the whys. They were more about the what ifs and what could’ve beens, as cheesy as it sounded. That’s probably why they never seemed to go anywhere whenever they tried to patch things up. Kane paused for a few seconds and thought his answer silently in his head. He could lie and tell her that he was joking around and that it didn’t mean anything serious, or he could just tell her the truth. Telling the truth was always the best option, right? It’s how you got anywhere.

Clearing his throat, Kane once again fixed his gaze on Lara before speaking. “I meant that I want to stop saying the wrong thing, you know? I feel like I always say the wrong thing, or I don’t say what I’m supposed to or what I want to. It’s been like that since last year and I didn’t try to stop because it just seemed easier, but I want that to change because I want to talk to you and not feel this way when I do ,” he rushed out quickly without taking a breath between sentences or words. Kane hadn’t meant to say so much and all at once, but he felt like letting go of everything that had been building up inside him for months. Looking around the area, he saw that Steven and Rachel were preoccupied with their individual items — Steven with his food and bracelet and Rachel with her phone. They probably thought he was talking to himself or his voice blurred out into the background of their world and they didn’t really hear him. “And I haven’t told you this before, but I do still want it to work.. Where we put everything aside and become friends or something. I still want us to talk like we did before.. everything, if that’s possible. I should’ve told you all of this last year or before that. I don’t know,” he spoke out again. Kane wasn’t even sure if he knew what he was saying anymore. It was almost as if he was mindlessly babbling out the first thing that came to mind like a baby or toddler. Lara’s question had been so simple, yet he had completely gone off base with his answer. The thought alone made him feel a bit bad. Kane had managed to keep his gaze settled on the blonde and he wondered how since it had almost been the hardest things to do last year next to actually talking to her. “I’m sorry that was- that was way more than the answer to your question. I’ve been wanting to say this for a while and I guess I did now.” Kane finally looked away from her so that she could reply or leave without making it awkward he honestly wasn’t sure what she was going to do. He picked up his tray of food and took out the remainder of his hot dog. It was cold and he wasn’t that hungry anymore, but he still ate it.

Lara had somewhat dealt with never being able to be as close to Kane as she was before and yeah, it still broke her fucking heart to this day but she dealt with it and was over it even. As over it as she could be, of course, but it didn't stop her from trying to be friends. It didn't stop her from being all too keen whenever Steven or anyone would talk about him and yeah, she didn't admit it, but, she did. She liked knowing how he was doing and she sees him every year at least once so it's not like the opportunity's not there. Lara hated asking though, she hated having to talk to him because she never could gauge where she stood and sometimes it reminds her of how stoic Kane was, even when they were together and she was a pain in the ass but he dealt with it. Sometimes she's afraid that no one could put up with her the same way that he did. Fact is, Lara was a force to be reckoned with sometimes and the only person who could ever get her to calm down every time was Kane, Rachel could talk her out of things when she was being impulsive, but that was only if she was lucky. Rachel wasn't always lucky. So yes, Lara can admit she misses him sometimes but she can also say that she's learned how to live without him and wasn't that what mattered? She had talked to Rachel about it, a while ago, and they'd agreed that as long as she was happy enough, things should be fine. What made her happiest though was talking to Kane, sometimes she didn't feel that overwhelming, buckets of sunshine kind of happiness, but when she would look back at times when she was allowed to talk to him, she knows she'd do anything to have another chance to get to talk again. So she jumps at any type of conversation with him, especially if they don't have to talk about anything that could potentially ruin everything that they've worked for. Whatever it is that they've built. Because it sure as hell isn't friendship but fuck, she'd give anything for it to be more than acquaintanceship. Lara leans forward, elbows on her knees and chin on her palms as she stares up at him curiously.

I want to talk to you. Lara sits up straight, tilting her head and her heart hammers in her chest because she hadn't realized that maybe after all this time, they just wanted the same thing. And oh, wasn't it odd that it took them more than a year to figure out that they still wanted to be present in each other's lives. And maybe this time, Lara would allow herself the luxury of being friends with him and maybe this time, maybe this time, she'll be fine with being friends. Maybe she won't worry about everything she says and that comforts her. She reaches a hand out to his knee, giving him a smile before squeezing it gently. "Me too." Her words are short and she pulls back quickly because she doesn't know where she stands still, doesn't know if they're allowed to touch each other, wasn't that odd too? The fact that she didn't even know if they could have contact, gosh, everything was so odd and Lara thinks again how much she could regret everything. She sits, deep breaths with her chin touching her chest as she twiddles her thumbs and thinks. Lara just wants to think before she does anything, though that may not be the best way to go, she thought too much before she had broken up with him. Lara wishes she was a dumb blonde. Granted, dumping Kane was the dumbest thing she'd done in her entire life and she'd done a lot of dumb things. "I'm glad you said it. It makes me feel better, you know, 'cause I know where I stand. And I want to say that I feel the same, that I miss being able to talk to you." She clears her throat, focusing her attention back on her fries because damn, that was a lot of words to chew, a lot of stuff to process. Lara wonders again, because with Kane she can't predict anything, if all their words are just going to be wasted and forgotten. She worries that even with what they've both said, they'll still go back to college without exchanging any words. Lara prays that it won't be that way.

Begin Again | Kane & Lara

Conversation was supposed to come easy and naturally for everyone and it did for Kane, most of the time. He always knew the right greeting, the right answer, the right lie, and the right goodbye to give. When he was with his friends back in college, he could ramble on and on for hours about finals, professors, or last night’s shitty dinner and wouldn’t care if anyone found him annoying. The thing was, Kane was good at talking and conversation as long it didn’t include emotional gunk or anything like that. He knew about as many words as a two year old when it came to talking about his feelings. That’s exactly how it was when he talked to Lara. Being around Lara came with having a variety of thoughts and feelings seemingly rain down on him and that made him dumber than a rock at times. He didn’t know how to start the conversation and he didn’t know how to stop it either. It’s like every time he said something to her, he thought of something else to say and the only thing stopping the words from slipping past his lips was the sudden realization that he shouldn’t be doing that, that he shouldn’t be comfortable enough to ask her how her day had gone or share a joke that his friends had told him back in New York that he had found hilarious. There was always that fear at the back of his head that he would say too much or the wrong thing when he talked to her. The fact that he hadn’t had a genuine conversation with her in forever also made him subconsciously look for the nearest possibility to say something, even if it was just a simple greeting. He wasn’t even sure if that was good or not. Were you supposed to still want to talk to your ex as much as he did? Thinking about it would only make everything about the day feel strange and Kane didn’t want that. He didn’t want to think that his decision on joining Lara and the others for bowling was the wrong one. He had been way too eager that morning while anxiously waiting for the time to arrive that he had planned to leave for him to think that he shouldn’t have bothered to show up.

Kane’s mouth felt dry after he had spoken, but he managed to give a small nod in agreement before taking the money. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from trying to do or say else and hurriedly turned around. An influx of people were headed towards the food court and Kane guessed it was dinner time already. He paused and searched for Rachel, looking over at the line Soon enough, he spotted her and quickly made his way over. “Hey, I was hoping I could stand in line with you?” he spoke after tapping her lightly on the shoulder. The girl looked up from her phone at him. “Yeah, go ahead,” she replied, staring at him for a few seconds before looking down at her phone again. Kane stood next to her silently, eyes settled in from of him. He looked at the people getting their food, the smell of fries and hot dogs hitting his nose. His stomach growled loudly, causing laughter to erupt from beside him. “Wow, it sounds like you haven’t eaten anything in years,” Rachel joked. A flash of embarrassment passed through Kane’s features, quickly overshadowed by his own bout of laughter. “I skipped breakfast this morning and that was probably a bad idea.” Kane shrugged his shoulders slightly. He hadn’t even realized how hungry he was until that moment. The anticipation for what was to come that day had his stomach numb and his mind too busy to think about food and hunger. The last person in front of them finally ordered their food and left with it, and it was finally their turn. Kane gestured for Rachel to order her food first since he had cut in line with her and it would only be fair. It didn’t take long and soon enough he was ordering his food and telling Rachel to go on ahead without him. He ordered a hot dog, sweet potato fries, and a slice of pizza, paying with his own money before taking the food from the worker. Carrying the food trays in his hands awkwardly, he trudged over to their area. Kane handed the pizza to Steven who was sitting down on the bench and placed his hot dog down on his seat. He walked over to Lara and handed her the fries. “Here’s your fries. I didn’t use your money so I put it in there too,” he gestured to the tray. Kane started to turn but then stopped. “Also, uh, I apologize if I ever say something stupid. I’m trying to learn to shut up,” he added, running a nervous hand through his hair and looking towards the ground before turning to get to his food. His words probably didn’t make sense, and maybe they weren’t suppose to.

Steven takes a seat next to her and Lara is a little afraid of what's going to come out of his mouth, her walls are up and though it's only her little brother, she knows how nosy he can be and knows that at some point in the coming conversation, he's going to touch on a sensitive spot. She knows it's odd, her and Kane and what they're doing, knows that Steven knows about how most basic relationships go. So when he taps her shoulder, gives er a gap-toothed smile, she's ready to take on any question. Lara puts on a brave face and smiles at him, still afraid, but he's her little brother and she shouldn't be afraid. "Lara, you suck at bowling." She'd been holding her breath then but when he speaks, she exhales loudly in relief and lets out a slight giggle, nodding in agreement. "Yeah, Steven, I agree, I really do. Can you believe we're even related?" Lara's overcome with this joy, happiness that Steven has taken an interest in her rather than her ex boyfriend whom she knows has always been a favorite topic of his. Steven can tell, she thinks, he knows how Lara's mood fluctuates depending on the word and that the wrong word could make her entire mood go bad. Lara was never one to have a bad mood though. Usually the only word that could do that was Kane, but it was more sadness rather than anger or distaste, like loss of hope. "You need to take lessons. Kane too. But maybe not together, you wouldn't like that, huh?" Steven proposes and Lara raises a brow at the suggestion at keeping the two separated. Because she agreed but she never knew that Steven would ever say that, but it had been two years at this point and maybe even Steven knew that some things weren't meant to be. "Yeah, yeah... That's a good idea, Steve, you know you've gotten a lot smarter since we last talked." She nods, a little happily. It feels like a weight's been lifted off her shoulders now that she knows that Steven won't be bothering her about Kane. Steven's let go but even then, Lara still doesn't know if she, herself, has let him go, fully, completely. She hopes she has. In her lowest moments, she can admit that having hope isn't the same as actually having the thing be done, but most times, she pretends she's okay and that having hope is enough. Lara's always hoped that this mentality didn't stem from her relationship with Kane and that it's only a result from losing someone she cared about.

Steven is mostly quiet after that, fiddling thumbs and she think that maybe it's because he doesn't know how to ask about anything else besides Kane or that he doesn't know how to act around people who don't like his idol. It's awkward for Lara to say the least, she has stuff she can talk about but Steven is never quiet and when he is, it's a bad sign. So Lara's laying off until Steven makes another move for a conversation. Her brother doesn't talk until Kane comes back around with food. Her fries are set in front of her and she looks up to thank him, picking at the fries and searching for a ketchup packet. Rachel drops one next to her tray of fries, and she laughs a little to herself because Rachel already knew. She's in the middle of squeezing the ketchup out onto a napkin when Kane talks, she gulps, an eyebrow raised as she tries to understand what that means. Lara allows him to sit down and chew on his food for a little bit, picking at her fries and she wants to forget what he said, wants to disregard it really. She can't however, and it doesn't sit right with her that Kane's been learning to shut up. "Wh-what?" Lara stutters a little but as she continues to watch him and she's pretty sure that she's not supposed to ask for his reasons but it doesn't make sense. She can't just not ask when she's curious. "Why are you trying to learn to shut up?" Her tone is a little hushed, only directed towards Kane because she can understand if he doesn't want to talk about it. Steven is too busy preoccupied with his own food, and Rachel is pretty much in her own world most of the time, she doesn't deal well with groups, can only pay attention if there's stuff being directed towards her. Lara's never really been one to hold back on what she's saying, that was before Kane and her broke up, and she'd drifted back into that, saying whatever was on her mind. However, with Kane, she still found that she was always careful with what she was saying. Maybe that's how it'll always be between them. The thing she hates most is that they've talked, they've been somewhat honest with each other, but not completely, and that's what kills Lara. That things were unsaid.

Begin Again | Kane & Lara

It should probably be weird and awkward for Kane to be hanging out with Lara so casually, but it wasn’t, at least not to him. The whole situation almost seemed movie worthy. I mean, how many movies were there about two exes hanging out at a bowling alley the day after Christmas? He didn’t think there were any and it made him wonder if that was because no one had thought it up or if it was just too absurd to even try and think about. Maybe it was absurd for him to be there and try to do something that he wasn’t completely sure about. Whether it was to become friends, become friendly acquaintances, or just simply fix things between them to the point where there wasn’t that tense air in the room that they were both in, he felt like he needed to do it even if it was as stupid as it probably was. That’s what freaked him out a bit if he thought about it long enough: that he almost had like this invisible tie to her that made him feel inclined to mend things between them so that they could really be okay and not stuck in this “are we okay or are things gonna go back to being bad again?” phase. It wasn’t what he intended to do a year ago, or even this year when he had first arrived a week ago. It was suppose to be the usual ‘ignore each other till we’re forced to interact’ kind of thing like it had been last year, but it wasn’t and he wasn’t complaining. If he was being honest, Kane liked that it was that way. He didn’t like the awkward moments and two word conversations from last year and was glad that it was over, at least for now. Maybe that desire to keep their longer conversations and almost normal moments was what was driving him to try. It had to be something since he normally didn’t try that hard, or at all really. Blaming it on that seemed easier and reasonable than thinking about it more since any other thought or idea would probably ruin it for him.

After his turn, Kane walked over to the other side of the bench and sat in an empty spot next to Seven. The young boy immediately latched onto him and started bouncing up and down in his seat. “Did you see me score, Kane? Did you see me?” came the joyful yelling from the boy’s mouth. Kane chuckled at his excitement and nodded his head. “I did, bud. You did way better than me! You’re like a pro,” he replied with a smile. Those words alone were enough to make Steven even happier and clutch onto his arm harder. Kane brought his attention back to the actual bowling ball game. Lara was up next and he watched as she took her turn. There was no one that could comment about his watching since Rachel was on her phone and Steven was fiddling with his bracelet, so he wasn’t too secretive about it. The ball rolled into the gutter just as his had and he stifled a small bit of amused laughter. A joke popped into his head but he stopped it before it could reach the tip of his tongue because he wasn’t sure if it was appropriate. If it had been two years ago then he would’ve said it without a second thought, but it wasn’t and he had to hold onto it whether or not he wanted to. So he leaned back further into his seat and tried to think of something to do that didn’t make him feel so out of place like he all of a sudden felt. Kane thought about talking to Steven about something random like video games, but the boy seemed to be lost in his own thoughts and little world and he didn’t have the heart to disturb him. Thankfully, Rachel was up next so he could focus his attention on that for the moment. Soon enough, thoughts started filling his head and he wasn’t even paying attention to the game anymore. He thought about everything too hard even though he had been trying to avoid that. “All of this is nice… just like old times,” Kane said quietly, almost under his breath, but not quite. It was subconsciously spoken like it was supposed to be a thought but instead came out of his mouth. Feeling as if he shouldn’t have said that, he cleared his throat and searched his brain for something else to say. “Sorry.. Um, does anyone want anything to eat?” he asked quickly. His gaze swept over everyone, even landing on Lara for a brief moment.

Lara tries to keep to herself and sure, she'll say a few words to Rachel and Steven too when he wasn't busy with Kane, but overall, she avoided contact with Kane. They were fine last night, sort of, but still, they were alright and it had been oddly easy talking to him. She just let the words roll of her tongue sometimes like she didn't need to give it a second thought, Lara didn't before but obviously times have since changed. When she's out and about, away from the comfort of her own home, Lara avoids his gaze and avoids having to cross paths with him effectively killing the potential of any sort of conversation. She crosses her arms and stares down at her shoes, blowing strands of hair out of her face because there isn't anything better to do. Rachel's still taking her turn and Steven and Kane are having their own conversation which Steven had invited her to join but the situation was, she tended to close in on herself when Kane was around. It was different last night where it was home and she could escape to the kitchen to do some mundane chose to distract herself, right now, the only place to run to was the bathroom or to the food lines. At this point, she was afraid of getting food for the sole fact that Kane might volunteer to come alone and help her, not that she expects him to, but it doesn't hurt to be safe. Because it's nice being here with him and hanging out but she realizes that she hadn't thought about what her impulse would be, that she was just going to stare at hardwood floors the entire time instead of trying to rack her brain for conversation starters. She anticipated that last night, Lara had assumed she would have been dying to talk to Kane but right now, she thinks there could be nothing worse. Sometimes, she still thinks that she would give anything to have another real conversation with him but realizes that she could, if she really wanted to, she could approach him and sit him down and have a real conversation, but she doesn't. Not even because she's lazy but because she doesn't want to, because she's absolutely terrified of having him spill his guts out to her and make her realize that she's been grasping at straws this entire time.

The blonde pulls at the chain around her neck, fingers rubbing at the pendant of an owl. It's her favorite necklace, she wears it all the time and there are fading marks, marks where her fingers have rubbed at the feathers for too long that they've dulled, no longer identifiable. Rachel's finished her turn at this point and has gone to get more food after scolding Lara for taking all of hers. Lara hadn't even noticed that she had finished off the fries, only absentmindedly picking at it while she was lost in her own thoughts. Kane says something and she looks up, straight at him, because she knows exactly how he's feeling. She feels the exact same way. Everything is like before but it's not, it's not the same because she isn't laughing with Kane and they're sitting as far away from each other as possible. Funny how so many things could change within two years, it's felt like a lifetime ago since she had last held Kane's hand. So long ago that she doesn't even remember what it feels like because sometimes her mind will replace his hand with Spencer's, who's another distant memory, not as heartbreaking but as fond. Lara turns behind her and sees Rachel, still standing in line, before nodding, "Yeah, uhm, Rachel's getting food but, like, you can take her place in line." Lara would do anything to put more distance between her and Kane, she just wants to be away from him so she doesn't keep thinking about different ways to approach him or to try and talk to him. Talking to him will ruin everything, she's convinced herself of that and she decides that maybe it's best if they stick to having casual conversations with casual greetings. It's what's best, Lara tells herself. The worst part is, Lara will always want more, she'll always crave more, she's always going to want to talk to him and be friends with him and be back in his life. But for now, she's been able to convince herself to lay off. "Can you get me more sweet potato fries? Thanks." She requests, avoiding direct eye contact because it's still too familiar to her. Steven asks for pizza and Liv feels like a burden again so she reaches for her bag and rifles through it to find some cash to give him. Lara manages to find a twenty in the bottom of her bag, straightening it out before handing it to Kane. "Uh, yeah, get whatever Steven wants." No eye contact, she tells herself, but she looks up at the last second and it's his electric green eyes that's always gotten her. Even to this day, she's never been able to quite forget them.

Begin Again | Kane & Lara

Kane’s eyes scoped the room for any sign of a familiar face. From what he could tell, there were quite a lot of people and almost every bowling lane was occupied. Most of the people there were around his age or younger and came in groups. He noticed that everyone in the groups were friends with each other and overall seemed to be having a good time and it made him pause and think about his own situation. Unlike everyone else in those groups, he really wouldn’t be able to carelessly laugh and joke around like that with his own group. Sure there was Steven, but he knew very well that he couldn’t and most likely wouldn’t just talk to him the entire day. But in the end, it was his decision and his decision alone to come so thinking about whether or not he should’ve or shouldn’t have come would be a waste of time, so he would try to make the best of it all like he had told himself to do. Kane shook the thoughts from his head and decided to text Lara since he was starting to get a bit restless. Just as he pulled out his phone and turned the screen on, he heard his name being called out and his eyes darted up to try and find the source of the noise. It took him a couple of seconds but he saw Steven, Lara, and Rachel standing close to a bowling that he missed completely when he had been looking for them. He chuckled under his breath and blamed it on the large group of people that occupied the bowling lane next to theirs blocking it and made his way over to them. Greeting everyone with a small smile and a wave, he began to apologize for being late when Steven tugs on his arm and pulls him over to sit next to him. “Kane! You’re here! Have you put on the necklace yet?” the young boy exclaims, practically jumping in his seat. Kane couldn’t help but laugh a bit before reaching for the necklace and showing it to him. “I did, bud! Fits just right,” he replied, tugging on the necklace for emphasis before letting it go. It hung nicely with his cross and paper airplane necklace around his neck.

"I’ve got something for you too, bud,” Kane told him, reaching into the pocket of his jacket and pulling out the item. It was a small bracelet that had the same lucky horse shoe charm as his necklace. He had had just enough time in the morning to go to the store and buy it then go back home and take a show and get ready. "I didn’t have enough time to wrap it, but here you go.” The look on Steven’s face when Kane placed the bracelet in his hand was of pure elation. He immediately jumped up and hugged him hard before rushing over to Lara and Rachel to show them his gift. "Look what Kane got me! Look! Look!” Steven mused, practically yelling. He placed the bracelet around his wrist, moving it from side to side to make sure that both of them could get a good look at it. A smile formed on Kane’s face as he looked on, feeling almost as if Steven’s happiness was radiating onto him too. After about a minute of Steven’s gushing about his bracelet, he rushed back to Kane and tugged on his arm, pointing over at the bowling balls. "C’mon let’s play! You go first.” Figuring that there was no way to get out of it, Kane gave a shrug towards Lara and Rachel’s direction and stood up, walking over to where the bowling balls were. He picked up a shiny red ball and carefully carried over to the front of the lane. Inserting his fingers into the holes at the top of the ball, he readied himself and took a deep breath. Stepping forward slightly, he swung the ball back slightly before releasing it. The ball slid across the lane in a straight line, giving him hope that he would score in some way, before sliding off to the side and ultimately rolling into the gutter. Kane sighed in defeat, turning back around and shrugging his shoulders lightheartedly. "Nothing like a little bowling to get your hopes up for nothing,” he joked, stepping over to the bench and sitting down. "Do any of you want to go?” His eyes swept over the three. Steven immediately piped up in response, "I’ll go!” The young boy picked up one of the small bowling balls and walked over to the front of the lane, swinging the ball back and releasing it just as Kane had. The ball managed to hit two of the bowling pins and that made Steven jump up and down in glee. "You guys can go,” Kane spoke over to Rachel and Lara.

It's weird, even just watching him approach them and suddenly she's reminded that yes, it's really happening, they really are okay. Sort of. Lara can't tell you exactly how she think it'll go but only knows that she wants it to go well more than anything in the world. She knows she'll try so hard, and she always has tried so hard with Kane but also realizes that she didn't try when it mattered most. She doesn't enjoy the irony of the situation. For a few minutes, she doesn't even know if she actually enjoys his company or if it's just the fact that he's someone she knew before. Leftovers, things you didn't really want anymore but were still there, that's what she thinks she's feeling. She can't even prove herself wrong because she knows it's true. Lara would take not feeling over feeling any day now, she's learned what it's like to feel too much and now she rarely even feels anything at all. Her life is better off now, that's what she convinces herself, so in her head, it's better for her not to be emotionally attached to anyone anymore. Kane fucked it up though, with all these leftover feelings that Lara doesn't want anymore and both of them trying to make it work when she realizes how hard that would be. The two of them were notorious for not trying hard enough especially when it came to each other and she doesn't know if a friendship would be something they'd be able to handle. It's what keeps her up at night, stressing out over whether or not things between her and Kane will ever be okay again. The necklace dangles from his neck and Steven looks so happy and it occurs to her then that even though he hadn't been present in her life, he was still a prominent figure in Steven's and from the looks of it, he would be for a really long time. Even if the whole friendship thing doesn't work, they'd still have to be friendly acquaintances and that sort of relieves her. Knowing that she won't lose him forever, she loses more of him everyday but some parts will always stay and that brings an odd sort of comfort for Lara and she doesn't know why yet. Doesn't she want to be rid of him already?

Kane goes up to take his turn and Lara watches, elbows on her knees, chin on her palm as she watches him. Steven taps his shoulder and shoves his fist near her face, clutching on to the bracelet tightly like he was afraid of dropping it and losing it forever. Maybe she should hold on to things as tightly as Steven. "Lara, can you put this on my wrist?" Lara gives him a warm smile and takes the bracelet tying the knot on his wrist tightly before turning her head to check up on Kane's score and she smiles a little. Silly, it's silly, but she's reminded of old time and playing at the arcade when the arcade was the nicest thing around town. It's silly to think about and she almost scolds herself for even thinking of it at all. Steven goes up and when he hits two bowling pins, it's pretty much the best he's seen all day, so she cheers loudly for her little brother who gives her a wide grin and runs up to her to give her a high five. "That was great." Lara laughs before squeezing him tight and pressing a kiss to his cheek, Steven struggles out of her grasp and whines jokingly so Lara lets him go. As expected, he scurries over to Kane's side and Lara stands up to take her turn, Rachel preoccupied on her phone and not paying attention to Kane's offer. She stands and takes the ball in her hand, holding it in front of her at the lane deciding she was thinking too hard about everything, including this game, and she releases it to roll onto the lane. The ball stays in the center for a few feet but swerves off into the gutter and Lara can't help but feel like it's a metaphor for her entire life, going well and then completely running off the tracks to failure. She likes to say that she's bounced back from it all and maybe she has, considering things are looking better from another person's perspective but sometimes, when she's alone, she still thinks that compared to before, she's only halfway recovered. The ball stops rolling and her turn is finished, shaking her head when she walks back to the rest of them and plopping down on the couch with a shrug of her shoulders. "Well, that makes two, Rachel, get up." She shoves her roommate up to take her turn and Rachel grumbles, putting her phone down before going up to take her turn. Just as it would have it, Rachel manages to get a spare which is the best anyone's got and Lara smiles, taking a fry from the tray that Rachel had gotten earlier. She looks over at Kane, and back down to her hands, racking her brain for some sort of conversation starter. Lara thinks it should go well, if she tries to talk to him but then again, sometimes her judgment is misguided.

Begin Again | Kane & Lara

To say that Kane hadn’t been doing everything he could possibly think up to make time pass by faster would be a total lie, but he wasn’t completely willing to admit that. Since the moment he had woken up and remembered that he was going to go bowling with the Bennetts’ he had felt a strange feeling at the pit of his stomach that he wasn’t sure if it meant that he was excited or nervous, or a mixture of both. If it was because he was excited then that was because it would be the first time they would hang out since the breakup where it was actually planned and not unexpected like it always was. If it was out of nervousness then you couldn’t really blame him since things could either go well or badly and he didn’t have the best luck with that, but he was trying to be optimistic for once which was totally out of character for him since he usually expected the worst or didn’t expect anything at all. So there he sat on his couch in the living room watching Carrie. His eyes were trained on the T.V screen but he would glance down at his watch to check the time every so often. “When are you suppose to be there, Kane?” his mother asked him from the kitchen, causing him to turn slightly. “At two. I’ll be leaving in twenty minute, I think,” he responded, eyes glancing down at his watch as if an hour had passed in the few seconds that it had taken to answer his mother’s question. He wasn’t even sure what time he even wanted to leave. If he left in twenty minutes then he would arrive at exactly, or almost exactly, at two and wouldn’t that make him seem like he was waiting around to leave? Well, he technically was doing that but they didn’t need to know. It would probably be better if he arrived a little late. “Actually, make that thirty minutes,” he corrected himself.

Having thirty minutes to kill, Kane decided to text Grayson in hopes that he wouldn’t have a hangover or something and would be able to reply. Fortunately, his friend answered a minute later and didn’t seem to mess up his words too badly. Grayson asked him if he was doing anything later since there was another holiday party that him and the rest of the group were going to attend. That made Kane sit back a little and think about his reply. It had been so long since he had gotten drunk or even had a drunk, a week to be exact, and the realization was beginning to dawn on him. If it had been a few days ago then he would’ve jumped at the chance to get drunk and have fun, but it wouldn’t be right to cancel on the Bennetts’ like that. Kane replied with a ‘maybe but I’m not making any promises’ since he didn’t know if he would have time to go after, or if he would even feel like going. Shoving his phone into his pocket, he checked the time once again. Texting Grayson had only killed ten minutes and there was still twenty minutes left. Sighing, he tried to divert his attention back to the movie. He wasn’t even sure what was happening and he didn’t care enough to rewind it and find out, so he just left it and tried to figure out what he had missed. After a while he actually got interested in the movie and didn’t stop watching till it was over. Remembering that he was suppose to be keeping track of time, he looked at his watch and noticed that thirty minutes had passed instead of twenty. Jumping out of his seat, he told his mother he would be back later before exiting the house and rushing into his car and starting it. The drive to the bowling alley wasn’t long and he was soon pulling up to the parking lot. Stepping out of his car, Kane made his way over to the building and entered it. He immediately went over to the bowling shoes renting area and rented a pair, slipping them on. Walking over to the front of the bowling alley, he looked around and hoped he would spot the Bennetts’ somewhere.

Lara ran around her house trying to find her other Chuck Taylors shoe, she was a little flustered about arriving at the bowling alley just on time so she wasn't in the right state to be able to find anything. It wasn't until Steven walked into the living room with her shoe in hand that she finally sat on the couch, thanking him to which he only responded. "It was right next to your desk. In the open. Not hidden. At all." He spoke in broken sentences just to emphasize how disoriented Lara had been but she only shrugged and pulled her shoe onto her foot and tying up the laces. Lara went back to her room to do a once over in the mirror with Rachel laying on her stomach on Lara's bed, preoccupied with her phone. The blonde tugged at her sweater, trying to decide whether or not she wanted it slightly tucked in or just to hang loose. She swiveled around and faced her friend, sighing. "Do I look okay?" She tugged at her hair which had gotten longer than before, realizing a while ago how much she had missed her short hair. Rachel raised a brow and Lara huffed, sitting on the bed next to her roommate. "Why do I even care? It's just bowling." Rachel watched the blonde curiously as Lara picked at the link on her sweater before patting her back and hopping off the bed, tousling her own hair. "C'mon, let's go, we're gonna be late." Lara glanced at the clock, realizing that her friend was right and scrambled off the bed and down to the front door where Steven was pulling a beanie onto his head, craning his neck at the sound of Lara's footsteps. "Hey bud, you ready to go? Do I look alright?" Lara glanced and smiled at him tugging his beanie down to his forehead and wrapping a scarf around her neck, Steven laughed excitedly before opening the front door and giving Lara a once over. "You look pretty as always, Lara!" The blonde smiled in satisfaction, holding the door open as the three filed out and closing the door behind her. Still, she was trying to convince herself not to care about her appearance, it was only Kane after all. But then again, she had always been taught to dress nicely for guests and such, it was just habit. That's what she told herself anyway.

They drove down to the bowling alley, Steven bouncing in his seat and asking if Kane was already there and such but Lara only shook her head, reminding him that Kane was meeting up with them there. Her little brother sat back in his seat, not satisfied with the answer but realizing that the best thing he could do now was wait. The three pulled into the parking lot and they went inside, Lara scoping the area to see if he had arrived before them considering they were a few minutes late. There was no sign of him so they go ahead and get to the counter for their shoes and to pay, Lara still looking around in nervousness. It hadn't ever occurred to her before that maybe Kane would have made other plans and that there was a possibility that he ditched them, she checks her phone every few minutes for a text from him, even if it was one that said he wouldn't be able to make it. Nothing comes even when Lara's already lacing up her bowling shoes and Rachel's entering names into the monitor thing. Steven's just getting more and more restless, tapping on Lara's shoulder about Kane's whereabouts and she's as disappointed as he is when she tells him that she doesn't know where he is. Just as they had lost hope that he was going to arrive at all, Steven points over to where someone is standing, Lara looks up from where she was playing games on her phone to see Kane and she doesn't even want to think about how much relief she feels from seeing him. Steven waves his arms and calls Kane's name out in an effort to get his attention; Lara and Rachel laugh at her little brother because he's always so hyper and they suspect it's the pancakes that Mrs. Bennett had made in the morning. "I was beginning to think he wouldn't come." Rachel whispers to Lara as they continue to try and get Kane's attention. "Me too." Lara admits to her friend because she wouldn't really have been surprised if he never showed up, come to think of it, she expected it because before this, they could barely stand to be in the same room. She's more surprised at the idea of him coming to the bowling alley to spend time with her, actually. But she pushes those thoughts away when Kane walks over and puts a smile onto her face. "Hi, uh, we put your name in already and —" Lara greets him but she's promptly cut off by her little brother who immediately steals Kane away to sit on his side of the bench and Lara just watches, glad that she didn't have to continue her sentence because she realized she didn't know what else to say. She really never knew what to say when it came to him anymore.

Christmas Day | Kane & Lara

Kane should’ve known better than to think becoming friends with Lara, or at least getting over this rough patch between them would take longer and and be more complicated than a simple walk in the park. He guessed a part of him still thought things were simple when it came to them like it was in the past because it honestly could not get anymore simpler than how it was at that time. Even if you took the relationship between them away,you could always count on the friendship because it was so concrete and it was always there, at least that what he thought. Thinking about it now, maybe their friendship wasn’t as reliable and he had thought it to be. If it actually was something that he could fully count on, then why did it end so quick and abruptly as it did along with their relationship? Obviously there was so much pain and awkwardness between them that they weren’t going to go back to being close friends from gecko, but they didn’t at least try to restore some of the friendship from before as the time went on and Kane wasn’t quite sure how he should feel about that. He hadn’t tried to fix things between him and Lara in any way simply because it hurt too much to even think about it even after all those months apart. Maybe the fact that he could actually have a conversation with her without wanting to run away was a sign that finally actually try. Naturally, he would try to convince himself that he was just putting his hopes up and that thinking that way would only lead to hurt feelings, but he was willing to put all of that aside for everything to work out the way he wanted them to and how it should’ve worked out. If it even worked out, that is. Kane’s gaze continued to stay trained on the flickering fire in the fireplace in hopes that it wouldn’t reveal how he was feeling towards his number being deleted. It was probably painfully obvious that he wasn’t pleased by it, but he couldn’t help closing up the was he had. It was as if his brain sent signals throughout the rest of his body to protect itself in some whenever something he didn’t particularly like happened.

"Sounds good,” Kane replied to her words as calmly as he could. He had noticed her stuttering and wondered if he should say something reassuring, but he figured his words would probably be useless so he just swallowed and forced himself to look away from the flame and over at her. He wondered if he was taking her deleting his number too personally and if it should be something that he should’ve just brushed off without a second thought. It honestly woud’ve made things a lot easierif he had done that. Realizing that he had stared just a tad bit too long at Lara, he looked away and stared at the floor. "Alright, I’ll just clean all of this up,” Kane offered, already up on his feet to scope the area for what he could clean. Once Lara and Rachel were away and out of earshot, he let out a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t think it could be that hard to have a conversation with his ex, but it was. Taking the abandoned sticks that they had been using for the s’mores, he put them in the tray and quickly put out the fire. Finishing his mini cleaning session, Kane made his way over to the living room. The moving was over and everyone seemed just about finished. He was just about to go over to his mother when Steven grabbed his arm and pulled him over to where the Bennetts seemed to be having a conversation with a small ‘I missed you!’ Kane "joined” just in time to hear Mrs. Bennett ask Lara how everything had gone. Since he was accidentally part of the conversation, Mrs. Bennett looked at him for an answer too. "It went pretty well, Mrs. Bennett. Great choice in marshmallows, by the way,” he answered with a small smile. It was the truth since things hadn’t exactly gone bad. "That’s good. I hope you guys didn’t eat too many s’mores,” she said with a chuckle before excusing herself to go talk to the others. Kane stood there for a few seconds before remembering that he was going to go talk to his mother before being interrupted by Steven. He was about to go over and do that when something inside his head stopped him. "It’s fine, you know, that you deleted my number. No hard feelings,” he said, turning towards Lara slightly. He probably shouldn’t of said anything at all, but he felt like he needed to.

He's holding himself together and that's better than Lara's done the entire night, who's been stuttering and asking Rachel to answer for her because her skin was always too thin. Lara's always been one to wear her heart on her sleeve, she couldn't hide things for too long or pretend to be something she wasn't. Rachel called her easy to read and she had found that offensive before but she realizes it's true, she doesn't try to hide what she's feeling, she could if she wanted to and yet she'd still fail miserably. Of course he would offer to clean up and she thinks about helping him do it but realizes that maybe they need some time to recompose themselves before they faced the adults again, they'd get questions. Lots of them, no doubt, their parents were so invested in their children's lives and they were nosy. The Baldwins would probably leave soon considering the movie had finished, unless Lara's mother had something else up her sleeve so that they'd all end up spending more time with each other which wouldn't be surprising either. When their guests would leave, they'd be left to clean everything up and Lara's sure that her mother will be quite curious and ask about how it went and if they were planning on becoming friends. To which, Lara could only answer honestly and admit that she had invited him to go bowling which would only lead to another onslaught of questions. It would be a long night, indeed, as she would try to escape her mother but Mrs. Bennett was a smart lady and would find a way to keep Lara around. She doesn't know why though, but a part of her is excited to talk about the plans for tomorrow, there's a part of her, the high school her, who's excited to talk about hanging out with Kane again. She used to talk about him an awful lot when they were together and her mother had always been genuinely interested in the topic, so naturally, the part of her that clings to who she was in high school is excited to fall back into those conversations.

For some reason, Lara can't conjure an answer that she was willing to say so when he cuts in to give one, she's thankful again that he's able to hold himself together. Her mother laughs at Kane's comment and she's able to take a breath, so he didn't have an awful time. It was a relief to her as well, she had thought that he would've dreaded the entire thing considering all that had already happened, but maybe he actually enjoyed spending time with her too. Maybe it shouldn't have been as surprising as it was, it's been two years, maybe she needed to get over it and just recognize the fact that he was a nice person who was fun to spend time with. She's lost in her own thoughts, trying to sort everything out when Rachel nudges her slightly and she snaps out of her daze, realizing that Kane was talking to her. Lara nods and smiles at what he says apologetically, no hard feelings, maybe that was true, maybe things could start fresh now. It's what she's been trying to convince herself the entire night, but the first time he's acknowledged it for them to actually settle. "Good, and listen, I'm sorry about that... It was just... You know what, it's whatever, no hard feelings." She tried to explain herself but it was going to be of no use anyway, he wouldn't care what her reasons were, she didn't have any valid ones in the first place. Lara gives him another smile before Steven cuts in to pull Kane's attention towards himself and she chuckles, it's been two years and yet her little brother still adores him. She's not quite sure why still but it's nice to see her brother have someone to idolize. Lara goes to get some water for herself and consequently leaves, knowing she'll probably head off to bed at this point, not realizing quite how tired she actually was. If the Baldwins were to stay longer, her mother would yell at her for retiring so early, but she was tired and felt as if she'd pass out any second. It wasn't a rough night, actually it went quite smoothly but the fact still stood that she had to put in a lot of effort to keep things going as smoothly as they did. It only occurs to her then how hard it had been to keep things civil, were things supposed to be that difficult? Because she thought they shouldn't have been, but maybe that was something she was wrong about.

Christmas Day | Kane & Lara

For the first time in what seems like forever, Kane hadn’t thought about what could go wrong, but instead he’s thought about what could actually go right. Two years ago, becoming friends or hanging out with Lara seemed like a distant dream that seemed more absurd than anything else; now it was like a close daydream that didn’t seem far at all anymore, almost as if he tried hard enough it would be reality rather than a dream or daydream. Maybe he was setting himself up for failure and this would all blow up in his face and he would end up back on square one, but he couldn’t stop the hopeful and optimistic thoughts that eagerly rushed through his mind. He hadn’t realized how badly he wanted to be friends with Lara and be out of this zone between being complete strangers and friends. It wasn’t concrete and if there was one thing Kane hated most it was not completely knowing how things were and how they would turn out. Call him crazy, but he had a good feeling about bowling with Lara and he hadn’t had a good feeling about anything when it came to her in so long. Ever since the breakup, Kane had figured that it would be best if they stayed strangers or acquaintances at best and he didn’t intend to change his mind. Thinking about it now, maybe he had let his broken heart cloud his judgement and that wasn’t what was best for them at all. Maybe what was best for them was what could get them to being the closets to what they were before everything happened. There was no denying that they always had a good time when they were together, even before they actually dated and he missed that a lot. If there was one thing that had been bugging him ever since they broke up it was that they wouldn’t be able to laugh and joke around like they used to and Kane couldn’t explain how badly he wanted that to change.

The friendly banter between them pleased Kane more than he would probably admit. For once, he didn’t seem to self-conscious when letting words slip past his lips. “Yeah, we’ll see, but I still think I’m right,” he replied with a small chuckle. Everything felt normal and natural for once and Kane’s nerves weren’t on end like the usually would be at this point. It honestly amazed him how he could get out more than two words when it felt like little thorns were poking his side whenever he spoke. Kane’s happy mood seemed to drop considerably as the realization dawned on him. Had Lara really deleted his number from her phone that easily? Her number was still sitting there in his contacts list where it had always been. He occasionally almost called it by accident and was close to having a heart attack when he looked down and saw his finger hovering over her number (thankfully he always stopped himself before he could actually press down on it). Kane tried to make some sense of all of it and searched his mind for answers. The last time they had made any contact on the phone was when she had called him out of nowhere, and it still confused him to that day. From what he remembered, it hadn’t ended on the best terms and maybe that’s why she had deleted his number. If that was the case, then it was probably more of his fault than anyone else’s. That discovery probably should have eased his nerves, but it only made him feel even more down and disappointed. Why couldn’t it have been as easy for him to delete and erase everything as it was for her? He had always been bad at letting go of things that held importance, but it had never impacted him like this. “Alright, cool,” Kane spoke after a long pause, trying to stay as nonchalant as possible. He didn’t want her to catch on to him being unsettled by the idea of her deleting his number. Looking over at the fire and then at the floor, he tried organizing the mess that were his thoughts. “Do you think the movie’s over for them?” Kane asked after a minute of silence, peeling his eyes away from the fire over to her.

What triggered this desire of wanting to keep being friends with him, Lara doesn't quite know yet. She imagines it's the same reason why she had wanted to be friends with him in the first place, because they were friends before they'd ever gone out and she remembers that they were really good friends. Not those types of friends you hung out once or twice with and then later decided they were attractive enough to ask on a date. They had been good friends, almost best friends even, and they were immensely close and she wonders if that's how close they'll be again. She doesn't think so though, it's hard to get that close with someone and she doesn't know how that would work with an ex. They always had good chemistry, could always slip into easy conversations and they always had a good time, no matter what, it was fun. They could be volunteering somewhere at the crack of dawn when their toes got so cold, she thought hers would fall off, but if Kane was around, she knew that at least she wouldn't be miserable the entire time. That's what he was, a reassurance that everything would be okay. With him, things would always be okay. She remembers having fun with him, smiling, laughing, being good friends. She remembers not having to worry about whether or not what she said was something she would regret, and she hates that it's something she has to do now. They'll never be as close as they once were, it'll be nearly impossible when so many things could go wrong in one conversation, they would always walk on eggshells around each other. Maybe a long while later, maybe when they started becoming really happy with other people, maybe talking about it wouldn't be so painful but for now, it was taboo. Even now, she's reminded how fragile their friendship is, one minute they were bantering and smiling, and with something Lara had said, their moods had dropped a considerable amount. She remembers that this wouldn't be easy, that being friends with Kane would take a while and it would be hard. It's almost sad, she thinks, everything used to be so easy and now everything was so difficult, why did everything have to be so difficult?

She had messed up royally, they'd been making good progress, talking easily and she had to ruin all that because of a mistake she made a few months ago. Lara can't pin anything on to him, she was the one who made the phone call, drunk but still, she was the one who got pissed off to easily, and in the end, she was the one who deleted the number. Why did she delete the number? Why did she have to be so drunk as to try and contact him again? Too many questions and not enough time so she nods and looks away from Kane. "Yeah... We'll be, uhm, leaving... At, uh... Two. Yeah, two." She keeps losing her train of thought when it comes to talking to him because it's running a mile a minute at this point, her head's spinning with everything that she's thinking about and it's hard for her to focus and give him a straight answer. She can tell that it bothers him though, sees that he's closed up again which is a sign in itself, they had been doing well and with what she said, it seemed like they'd both gone back to their shells. So it's not hard for Lara to sense that her deleting his number hurt his feelings a little bit and she feels even worse about everything now. She keeps her eyes trained on her marshmallow, looking and inspecting it to make sure it didn't burn before looking up when Kane speaks again only to realize that now he was wanting to leave. He didn't want her company any longer and that made her sadder than anything else had the entire night. Lara turns back to where the adults were watching the movie and they're all chattering so she assumes it's finished, and nods, turning back to where Kane is. "It's finished, I think, we can go check." Lara takes her marshmallow off the fire and lets it rest against the plate that held all the supplies, standing up from her seat and walking towards where the adults were sitting. Rachel walks next to her, lips right next to her ear so that everything she whispered could be heard by Lara. "You deleted his number?" The blonde nods, a little shamefully before walking quickly to the living room and crossing her arms. "Finished with the movie?" Steven nods and gushes about how good it was, and how he really liked the main character, Lara smiles and is about to answer but her mother asks a question. "How was making s'mores?" Her mouth is open because she's ready to give an answer but realizes she didn't know what answer to give, realizing she didn't really know how it went actually. It didn't go well but it wasn't horrible either.

Christmas Day | Kane & Lara

Even though becoming friends seemed like such a great idea at the moment, Kane couldn’t help but wonder how it would all even work out. How much of each other were they suppose to let in? He was never the type to let his guard completely down around other people that he didn’t fully know, and to say that he Lara inside and out like he used would be a complete and utter lie. They were different people from who they were two years ago and that much obvious. He wondered if he could ever get to know her the same way that he used to, or if she’d ever even let him. It was always to easy making friends back in college because there were no actual commitments. Everyone had their own friends back home and their own stories and memories that they could choose to make up or not tell at all. You didn’t need to see or talk to someone everyday to consider them your friend. Half the people he considered friends back in college he only saw every once in a while on campus, or at a party even though they were most likely too drunk to have a normal conversation. Even though Kane didn’t have any friends in college that he was particularly close to, he liked it that way. He could be whoever he wanted around them and they wouldn’t even know if he was really being himself or not since they didn’t have anything to compare it to. That most likely wouldn’t work with Lara since she did know how he used to be like. So that only brought him back to the original question of how he was suppose to act and be when he was friends with her. Small talk and the occasional steady conversation was enough to go by for now since they weren’t inclined to do anything more than that for now, but would that suffice when they were actually on the road to becoming friends? He didn’t think it would and that both excited and worried him. It excited him because they could be putting all the bad things aside in hopes of becoming friends and actually have real conversations, the kind they haven’t had in about two years. It worried him because there was always that possibility that it wouldn’t turn out the way he thought it would and things actually got worse. Maybe it was only him overthinking things again, but he couldn’t quite push the thoughts out of his mind.

The thought that him and Lara would be hanging out together was more baffling than he’d probably admit. Two years ago, when he had received that call that he did his best to forget, he didn’t think anything like this could happen again. Whenever he thought of hanging out with Lara again, he assumed it would be too awkward and one of them would up and leave because of it. From what he could already tell, it could go smoothly and they may even begin their path towards friendship. “Well, I’m pretty sure you’ll look like a pro next to me. Don’t think I’ve ever actually made a score,” Kane shrugged, chuckling a bit at himself. Bowling was high on the list of things he was horrible at. There were many bowling places in New York, but he avoided them like the plague. “But it my defense, it isn’t much of a manly sport anyway,” he added jokingly. He wasn’t even sure if bowling was a sport, but he said it anyway. Talking like this with Lara felt like such a relief to him. Whenever they talked he felt as of there was a weight being placed above his chest that threatened to fall and crush his lungs if he said anything that was out of line or something. Now, the weight had been lifted and he felt more free to be his usual outgoing self the he tended to hide away whenever he was around or talking to Lara. Maybe it was the fact that they were actually going to hang out together with what he presumed would be no awkwardness or tension, he didn’t know. The only thing that he was actually thinking about was that he hadn’t hung out with his friends that much, or at all, since winter break started. They had all originally planned to hang out and have a reunion at the party, but that obviously didn’t go as planned, so he had considered setting up another hang out the next day but this thing with Lara popped up unplanned and so that would have to be pushed back again. Kane wondered if he should tell Grayson or anyone else that he would be hanging out with Lara instead of with them or not. He nodded his head in response to Lara’s words, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his lips. The smile dwindled when he heard the second part of her words, gaze resting on her in silent quest. ”Ah, uh, well.. I could text you it if you if you still have the same number, or if that’s okay?” Kane spoke awkwardly, probably failing at making his voice sound nonchalant.

#para #sorry this took so long!!#vi.

She thinks she'll be okay, Lara thinks she can handle a round of bowling with Kane, and they wouldn't be alone either, which eases her nerves because she knows what it's like to be in a room alone with him with nothing to talk about. Things used to be easy with them and she can't tell you the exact point when that stopped, because that little life-ruining event occurred before the breakup. She can remember phone calls filled with silence and it used to be nice just hearing him breathe but when she was miles away from him, she wanted to hear his voice, not just a sign that he was alive. Lara can remember when she stopped sending him a text every morning to wish him a good day, but she can't remember the moment he had stopped caring. She doesn't even know if that's what really happened, if they really stopped caring or if they just decided that they didn't want to care anymore. She thinks it's both but doesn't quite know how that works out. Lara doesn't try to think about what his thoughts on this because she realized that she stopped knowing him, that yes history between them was extensive, but she doesn't know him any longer. Did she want to know him again? That's the question that repeats in her brain because it's hard for her to say what she wants anymore, and everything she wants seem to be things that she doesn't have the guts to do anything about. Lara wonders if they're better off staying as mere acquaintances, that maybe if they weren't meant to be together, they weren't meant to be friends either. She wants to be okay with that, she really does and she wants to be okay with not seeing him for another few years and she wants to be okay with not being in his life but she can't. She isn't. Lara knows that even to this day, even after everything, she still really wants to be part of his life. He's the sun and she wants to stand in the light, even if it burns her eyes.

He's witty and cracks a joke because he's still Kane and Lara can't remember a time in high school when he didn't do that, so she chuckles. "We'll see what goes down on the alley then, shall we?" This is comfortable like a blanket and it wraps around her, warming her because she likes being able to talk and laugh with him, and Rachel notices the way her demeanor changes. The way everything is done lightly and each move doesn't seem like it's been carefully made and organized, it's different and Lara's seemed to flip a switch in a second. Of course, she ruins it all with her next words and she wants to take them back and pretend that his phone number still existed. She wanted to be smarter and devise a way for him to text her instead of the other way around because telling him that piece of information seemed to deflate him. Lara avoids his gaze because she feels like he's drilling holes in her face and she doesn't know what he's thinking but then suddenly, it occurs to her that this meant he never deleted her number. "Y-yeah, I have the same number..." He didn't erase her the same way she did with him and that makes her feel even more guilty because it wasn't even his fault, it was hers, if anything, he should've deleted the number long before her. And she doesn't know if it's because she's stupid but she feels like he's still left her a space that whatever spot she took in his life wasn't gone, that he still had room for her. She always thought Kane was kind but she didn't know if it stretched this far. He's kind and forgiving and can't find it in himself to go against what someone wants, which should've been virtues but they worked against him because Lara had known that he would've never tried to make her stay. She held out that hope that he would though. A part of her wanted to hear him say that he didn't want her to go but it never reached her ears so they ended on a 'goodbye' without Lara thinking about the next time she'd call him. And it took her a really long time but at one point, she stopped remembering what his phone number even was.

Christmas Day | Kane & Lara

Kane wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay, or if he felt that he needed to. There was something about sitting there and talking to Lara that he found strangely comforting, almost as if being around someone that had been such a big part of his past brought back the person he used to be. There was also that part of him that felt like he needed to stay there and talk to Lara about whatever it was that came up so that they could make baby steps towards their original goal of becoming friends. Either way, he stayed put in his seat and the only thing that would probably get him to get up was if he was told that it was best if he did leave. Kane was so used to Lara leaving, him leaving, or both of them agreeing that it was best if they walked away from each other. When it was Lara who left, he would let her without much of a word of protest because he wasn’t the type to put himself between what other people wanted and what he wanted. Maybe that was his flaw, that he didn’t try, but how could he when he never seemed to have a chance at all. That only brought him back to the fact that he hated to have his hopes up and be disappointed. Kane felt relieved and glad that Lara hadn’t asked or commented that he was already settled on staying. He hadn’t expected her to since it would most likely lead to an awkward conversation, but never did know exactly what to expect when it came to her. The marshmallow on his stick turned a nice golden brown and so he prepared it into a s’more and ate it silently, eyes trained on the fire that was crackling in front of them. He realized that they had been sitting there making s’more for near an hour and he was proud of that. It had been so hard for him to have an actual conversation with Lara without wanting to up and run. There were just so many things that could go wrong, but none of that had actually happened this time and he was starting to have hope again that they could actually be friends. Maybe he was only kidding himself, but for once he was willing to allow it.

Whenever he was in a situation where the conversation could potentially take a turn for the worst, Kane tended to stay fairly neutral with his words. He only spoke with as minimal words as possible and asked question when it was appropriate, and most of all: he thought every word clearly and thoroughly. His conversations with Lara were like this since there was always that possibility that he could say something that would make them both think more than they should, or accidentally slip something out that he had buried at the back of his mind. Ever since everything that had happened between them, he couldn’t help but be cautious around her and he assumed that she was too. Kane had messed up with answering her question about him drinking so carelessly and easily. It obviously wasn’t just a simple “You drink?” that he got at parties before being handed a can of beer or any kind of alcohol or the “You drink?” he got from his high school friends that was soon followed by a pat of congratulations on the back. From he could tell, it was a question of genuine wonder and surprise and he had realized that too late. Despite everything, Kane was genuinely happy that Lara had been doing so well during the past year. The good grades, good friends, good living habits, and what he assumed was a good boyfriend was a stark contrast to how he had been recently. It wasn’t like he was in a completely horrible spot, but he probably wasn’t at his best either. After the question had slipped past Kane’s lips, he wondered if he should take it back or not since it was so blunt and straight forward that it had surprised himself. He figured it was a good move on his part in bringing up the possibility of them hanging out again since it was a step forward to them maybe becoming friends. When Lara offered for him to tag along when they went bowling, Kane couldn’t help but feel happy that they could finally make an attempt at being friends. “Sure, that sounds like fun. Don’t think I’m very good at it, but I’ll manage,” he replied, nodding his head slightly. His mind wandered over his schedule for the next day to see if he had anything planned. Thankfully, he hadn’t made any arrangements yet, but he would most likely have to set something else up for another day since he hadn’t hung out with his friends yet since he got there.”You could text me or something when you’re close to leaving?” Kane added, letting his gaze move over to her.

Being friends with Kane seemed like a good idea now but what Lara is afraid of is that later on, she'd begin to regret the idea and she'd regret ever trying to be friends with him in the first place. She doesn't want to but if she does, she'll know that inevitably she'll cut him off again, Lara did that a lot. Nowadays, she wasn't afraid of kicking people out of her life if she didn't want them to be a part of it and it worked well with her college friends who tended to be fake. With Kane though, she doesn't know how she'll be able to handle leaving him out of her life twice, the guilt would eat away at her and it wouldn't be fair to him either. Letting him back in would mean that she couldn't shut him out any longer and she didn't know if she was ready for that type of commitment. More so, she was afraid that being friends meant watching Kane be successful and live a happy life while she continued living in this ditch where she didn't know which direction she wanted to take herself. Because that's what was happening, she was working hard in college to ensure that she had options but the problem was that she didn't know which one to pick, Lara had almost no sense of direction and she fears that it'll be the reason she'll never be truly happy. So yes, this new development was confusing for Lara because she still didn't exactly know how she felts about it but the thing was, it made her happy at this moment and even though there's all this fear that lingers in the back of her head, being happy for now is good enough. Lara's learned to be okay with being happy even if it was just temporary, that happiness won't always be concrete and that she was going to be sad a lot but if she was happy for now, maybe she'd be okay. At this point, she needed to be okay with the fact that she and Kane were having a friendly conversation instead of talking about things that would make things worse. Lara's not good with convincing people to stay for her, she wasn't especially good with small talk, couldn't keep friends around for too long, and even when she did find friends, she made it seem like she didn't want them around. She was shit at showing people what she actually felt, making it seem like she didn't care much about most things, when sometimes it was all that mattered to her. That was always one of her biggest flaws and she knows it's the reason for most of the pain she's felt.

Blue eyes scrutinize him for another few seconds before deciding not to dwell on the topic, Lara had no business on his life and she didn't need to worry about his decisions because it simply wasn't her business anymore. He would live his life the way he wanted and she would do the same with her own, they didn't need to care about what the other was doing. That was still hard for her to get used to but it's all she needed to convince herself to smile and move on to the next topic they were talking about. Another smile pulls at her lips and she shrugs, trying to reassure him. "Don't sweat it, there's no way you're as horrible as I am." Rachel snorts next to her, snickering under her breath because she can recall going bowling with Lara once and at one point, they needed to put the bumpers up for Lara since she kept rolling it onto the gutter. Even Steven was better than her and Lara never found shame in admitting that mostly because either way, she found bowling fun and never really cared that she lost badly to everyone. She's glad he accepts the offer though and Lara knows that she would've been a little bit disappointed had he refused the offer but she would've gotten over it, but she's really fucking happy that he'll be coming along with them and that it will be the first time they'll have really hung out since they broke up. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like they broke up two years ago, it feels like it happened centuries ago and yet like it just happened yesterday too, it was a weird set of emotions to feel about a phone call but she'll also tell you that it was the worst phone call she'd made. Two years though, Lara remembers, and she's a little proud because after two years of not even being able to look each other in the eye, they were actually now hanging out. They've been finished for two years but it's only now that she feels like all the weight's been lifted off her shoulders and that she's finally found the closure she'd been looking for. "Yeah, yeah, I'll text you." She nods, feeling the words roll off her tongue easily and it relieves her, making her chuckle a little bit because she can't believe that she'll be texting him. Lara turns away from him to look at Rachel before she gasps quietly as realization dawns on her, she had long deleted his phone number and she doesn't know why that embarrasses her so much. "Oh, uhm, I don't have your number..." She turns back around, looking at the ground because she doesn't want to admit that she had deleted his number off her phone, even when it shouldn't have been a big deal, sure that he had done the same thing.

Christmas Day | Kane & Lara

Kane was probably more confused about everything than he had been before. He wasn’t sure if Lara actually wanted him to leave, or if she had only said that by accident. If there was anything he remembered about her, it was that she was a bit impulsive when it came to speaking. He never found it to be something bad,and was actually pretty amused by it. The words that reached his ears made him stayed even more glued to his seat than he already was. Kane was taken aback by how ready her answer was, almost as if the thought had been boiling in her brain before she had even let the words out. It made him wonder if the part of him that thought that she had only offered him a way out on impulse had been right. The mere thought of that made him feel a wave of relief wash over him, mixed with something else that he couldn’t quite put a name on. He began to wonder if he should answer with a simple ‘okay’ or ‘are you sure?’ just to make sure that he had heard correctly when another set of words reached his ears,making him pause longer than the last. Kane felt incredibly curious at how she added the words quickly and seemed to stumble over them. The thought that maybe she actually wanted him to stay and just didn’t want to make it obvious or anything popped into his head,making a smile almost twitch at the corners of his lips. But of course his mind didn’t let him have such high expectations about stuff like that and soon enough, he was convincing himself that he was just reading everything the wrong way and that there must be a logical explanation for it that would benefit him most if he didn’t know. It was always like that: him trying to convince himself that he was just being stupid and thinking irrationally whenever there was the slightest chance that he could be wrong. There were just so many times that he had put his hopes up only to have them come crashing down and he didn’t think he could allow himself to willingly put himself in a place where that could happen. Maybe that’s why he could off as careless and distant. “True. S’mores and the possibility of getting cavities is the best,” Kane replied jokingly. His eyes lingered over her for what was probably longer than usual before reaching over and grabbing another marshmallow and placing it on his stick.

There was a mixture of tension, confusion, and general disbelief around the room and Kane was feeling it at full force. He wasn’t quite sure what exactly he had said that had the other two staying silent and thoughtful. It was the silence that spoke louder than any of the conversation that had gone one between the three of them. Though he wasn’t too proud to admit it, Kane was somewhat used to silence and awkward tension when it came to Lara. Except whenever silence overcame them, it was mainly because they had nothing to say, ask, or tell each other since they never had anything to talk about these days. But this silence was different; it was almost as if they wanted to say or ask something, but instead kept it in. That was more and more unsettling as he continued to think about it. Was something he had said? All he had really told them was that his drinking habits had changed during the last year, but that wasn’t too bad right? Then he began to wonder if they maybe disagreed with his increasing in alcohol consumption and grades that weren’t perfect like they would’ve been if it had been a year ago. Deciding that that was it, Kane figured he probably shouldn’t bring up drinking, parties, or grades as casually as he did. It was probably his fault for just letting it out without a second thought, but he just wasn’t used being around people who weren’t aware of the person he was and had become. He’d probably take that into account from now on. Kane nodded at Rachel’s reply, making a small noise of understand. She didn’t seem to believe his previous statement at all. Though, he didn’t blame her since it had been a pretty lame cover up for how his grades actually were, but he didn’t think it would be appropriate to say how his grades had involuntarily been slipping for the last month. It also probably wouldn’t be appropriate to admit that his grades could also be a reason that you would most likely find him with a beer in his hand instead of a book in front of him to study with, but he wasn’t even quite sure of that himself. “You’re right… I’ll keep that in mind,” he spoke slowly, almost as if he was unsure of his answer. It wasn’t like he didn’t agree with her, but he just didn’t know if he had any definite priorities at that point. There was never anything he could be completely sure about. Kane nodded along as they both spoke, staying silent as he listened to them speak. It wasn’t surprising at all that she had been doing a lot better than him since that’s what he had assumed since last year. At the last part, Kane wanted to ask who the person who they were referring to was, but something stopped him from doing so. “That’s really good to hear. I’m glad,” he commented genuinely, offering a smile. It was probably the most truthful he had been the whole day. Kane was quiet again as he racked his brain for something to say in hopes the conversation wouldn’t die. “So.. we should all hang out again sometime,” he proffered.looking between them carefully. “To, uh, catch up.. or hang out, or something.”

Kane stays quiet for a little bit after that and that scares Lara a bit because she doesn't know what's going on in his head. He stays sitting down though and for that, Lara is relieved more than anything, she doesn't want him to leave at least not right now. There's still a part of her that finds a little bit more sanity in his presence and she'd wanted to be rid of that part a long time ago but even now, even two years later, it's not gone yet. She's dumb, she knows, she knows she's way too stupid if she had actually let that slip out for him to hear. She makes it sound like she wants the company, that she'd feel much better if he stayed put and continued talking to her even though that shouldn't have been the case. It's not like she needed company anymore. Lara is used to being alone now, used to people leaving her and maybe she was the one who left Kane but she can't recall him making a move to let her stay and that was worse too. She's used to being by herself so she can't find a reason as to why she'd ask him to stay when she should've been okay, she should've let him go because that's how they worked. They stayed and then one left, someone always left and that was the harshest truth Lara had come to face. She wants to backtrack and tell him that he could still leave if he wanted but something catches the words in her throat and she can't find it in herself to spit them out for him to think over. So instead she listens to him and a smile pulls at her lips again but the part of her that doubts everything wonders if he's being serious and that maybe her telling him to watch the movie would be better so that cavities would be out of the question. She almost speaks up again but Rachel catches hold of her arm. Lara looks back at Rachel, her brows knitting together as she wonders what was happening, but her roommate slightly shakes her head and Lara understands. She understands that at some point she's going to need to stop being so insecure and giving him so many options when she should just tell him what she actually wanted. And right now, it was pretty obvious that she wanted him to stay. Lara gives her roommate a smile before turning back and watching Kane as he put a marshmallow on a stick, wondering if whatever they were doing was healthy.

For now, Lara knows when to keep quiet and keep her thoughts to herself, she's figured out how to stop from just blurting things out which she hoped would work in her favor. What annoyed her though was how she spent so much time trying to figure out what she wanted to say to him, she always thought about what she could say and all the possible responses he could give her. Lara was overthinking but she couldn't help it, if she didn't, she felt like the conversation would just take a turn for the worse and they'd be left wondering why they were trying to be friends in the first place. She needed to overthink especially since it seemed like he didn't really give a second thought to what he said, one of them needed to keep the conversation from running off the train tracks and that was left to Lara for now. She's still trying to wrap her mind around Kane not really caring about his grades and she doesn't know why that doesn't settle with her correctly, she'd always known him to be the type of person who put school above everything else and she'd even tell you it's one of the reasons she decided to break it off because she didn't want to potentially be a reason for his grades to drop. It's weird for her to picture him drinking at a party instead of staying home and studying, everything she had modeled herself against and all the new behaviors she'd been adopting to raise her grades were all things she had observed from Kane, she doesn't tell anyone that but it's true. He had the best study habits, best motivation, had the best system for taking notes and she had replicated all of that in hopes that her grades would be up to par. Now here he was basically telling her that he had completely done a 180 and that everything she had believed him to be wasn't who he was any longer, that takes a lot longer for her to get used to than she's comfortable with. She's not even sure that he'll even care enough to try and make his grades better anymore, and she doesn't even know what his priorities are anymore. Lara shouldn't have said anything in the first place, she doesn't know a thing about him anymore so she should stop acting like she does. He smiles though and Lara finds a lot of happiness in that, she was happy with where she was and how she was doing, and him being happy for her made her realize how good she was getting it at the moment. Things were going her way and it may not last forever but it was here now. He speaks up and for a moment, she doesn't know if she hears him correctly, he wanted to hang out and spend time with her. Well, Rachel too, but still, she was still Lara and she was still his ex and she was still someone who had left him and that didn't change. She smiles though and the blonde nods as she comes to a realization, answering him. "Yeah... Yeah, we should, that'd be nice." They may actually start being on their way to being friends and that makes her happier than anything at the moment. "Oh, we're going bowling tomorrow, you can tag along if you like, Steven would love that." Lara offers him, this was their chance and he could refuse the offer or take it, whatever he said next would probably mark the first step in the beginning of them finally and actually being friends.

Christmas Day | Kane & Lara

To say that Kane wasn’t at least a little bit surprised and disappointed at Lara’s words would be a total lie. He was surprised that she had even offered that he could leave in the first place, and disappointed that she seemed to say it so easily. His gaze had been settled on her, but he turned away a bit partly to think the offer over and partly to hide the fact that he was slightly hurt. Kane didn’t know why, but the possibility that she actually wanted him to leave hurt him in a way that he didn’t think was really fair. She shouldn’t have the control she did on his mood and feelings with just a few simple words. That should’ve gone away long ago and he was one hundred percent sure that it had since anything related to Lara didn’t effect him nearly as much as it did before, but maybe that wasn’t true at all. Kane felt like his world had been flipped upside down at the thought that she could still have some kind of hold on him still; a deeply unsettling feeling developed at the pit of his stomach. If what he thought about Lara and her control over him wasn’t true, then maybe that wasn’t the only thing that wasn’t true either, and that thought alone scared him. It was probably really stupid of him to be thinking about everything so much and so thoroughly, but it’s just what he tended to do when there was a lot to take in. “Yeah… Guess I should,” Kane replied a bit distantly once he was able to regain his thoughts. It wasn’t really a definite answer and he hoped she wouldn’t take it that way since he wasn’t so sure himself if he wanted to leave, if he should leave, or if she even wanted him to leave. “You guys will probably have funner time without me anyway,” he added jokingly with a stiff chuckle. He wanted to give her a way out into telling him that it would be best if he did leave. Hearing what he already knew, or thought he knew, would provide him with the relief he really needed.

The silence that followed after his words about drinking and alcohol made him wonder if maybe he was wrong in speaking about it at all. Kane didn’t think it was a big deal that alcohol had become such a big part of his life. He was fully aware that his transition from being disgusted by the very idea of drinking alcohol to enjoying it way too much for his own good, but he didn’t think he even wanted to actually stop. It wasn’t like he was an alcoholic, and he was pretty sure that he would never be one. There were problems, of course, and he wasn’t blind to it. It had become a habit of his to go to alcohol and drinking whenever something happened, or didn’t happen. If there was anything to be happy about or celebrate, he drank to rejoice; if there was anything to be sad and down about, he drank to feel better and to forget; if there was nothing at all happening, he drank in an attempt to make something happen. It was just this big, continuous cycle that he could easily blame on him just being a normal, college guy who was away from any kind of parent supervision. Maybe that was the reason that he had gotten sucked into the “cycle,” at least that was what he sincerely hoped it was. Now that the topic of alcohol and drinking had been brought up, Kane sort of wished he was currently drunk, or at least sipping from a cup of vodka. If only his parents had been on his back so much about spending time with family instead of his friends. “Uh, I’ll try,” Kane replied with a shrug of his shoulders. He ignored how Lara seemed to sputter out her words, knowing it would only make him overanalyze every little detail. It was so strange to him how aware he was of everything now that he had spent time with Lara. It was almost as if he had returned to the same person he was last winter and he didn’t like that at all. “Well..” he began, pausing to figure out how he should answer her question. Obviously, his grades had suffered a great deal since he showed up late all the time and he couldn’t seem to concentrate on his homework longer than three minutes, and even then he didn’t know what was going on. So what should he say that wouldn’t make it sound like it was too bad? “Could be better, I suppose. But everything could always be better, you know?” he decided on saying, turning to look over at her. Kane searched his brain for something to ask too, figuring he should probably continue the conversation. “Has anything happened since last Christmas?” It was probably a weak question, but he genuinely wanted to know.

In all honesty, Lara's words were a flippant remark she had made in hopes that Kane would decline and prove to her that he actually didn't mind spending time with her at all. He agrees with her and the blonde can feel herself deflate and just slightly droop down, in the slightest of ways, such a small action that no one would have caught it if they weren't paying attention to her. He doesn't leave though, he stays put in his seat like he was waiting for something, anything. "Or you can stay." Lara offers again, a little too quickly, a little too rushed to be considered nonchalant. There was nothing nonchalant about what she said, it was like she was rushing it to make sure he heard it before he went up and left her and her roommate alone. She huffs to herself, wishing she had been able to keep her cool for longer that what she did, she sounded overeager and like she wanted him to stay. Well, she did want him to stay but he couldn't know that, it would ruin everything they'd been building for the past year, just completely wreck any progress they made and she couldn't do that to him. Lara didn't need to be ruining any chances of friendship with Kane. She needed to recover from that, give him some sort of excuse for her words, and her mind is running through a million excuses to find one that would fit the situation. "Y'know, s'mores. They're, uh, good, better than some movie." Lara plays off, taking too many breaths and she can't even look him in the eye because it's the worst excuse she's given in her entire life and she's sure he'll be able to tell. If he didn't, it would only lead Lara to believe that he definitely did stop caring about what she did and that's something she isn't ready for either. She's horrible at lying, usually she can lie through her teeth easily, but maybe that was because she never had to lie to Kane. She could always be honest with him, that was something she found refuge in, and it was easy for her to spill her thoughts to him but that was out of the question now and she wasn't used to that. Lara focuses on her marshmallow, avoiding any and all eye contact with either of the two, knowing that both of them were probably wondering what was going on with her. Rachel was never used to seeing Lara babble like she did and it led her to believe that things with Kane didn't go as well as the blonde had said.

Her roommate can't help but wonder how dense Kane is, he doesn't pick up on how frazzled Lara's gotten or that she's completely out of her element and she wonders why that's so. Rachel remembers Lara telling her that the two of them used to be incredibly in sync with each other, they knew each other so well even the smallest eyebrow twitch spoke words and Lara could tell you what he was thinking at any given moment. Right now, Lara was incredibly easy to read and it seemed like Kane wasn't picking up on any of that at all. Lara, meanwhile, is still trying to figure out how to bounce back from what she'd said earlier knowing she had screwed up with her slip of tongue but when Kane replies, she realizes he hadn't noticed it at all. That bothers her more than she'd care to admit. He begins to answer on how school has been and she doesn't know what she's expecting, honestly, she'll tell you that she was expecting him to have tip-top grades since he had been able to keep them up even after their breakup. Lara still can't find a reason for his drinking habits but she's decided that maybe there wasn't a reason and it wasn't something that was influenced but rather something he had decided to do. She can't figure out why he would want to do that however, thinking that he would've put grades before anything. "I guess, if you look at it that way." Rachel shrugs her shoulders because she doesn't buy it, she doesn't buy into his answer at all, thinking that he was probably just making things look better. "As long as you keep your priorities straight you should be fine." Lara assures him, giving Rachel a pointed look because she knows what her roommate is thinking and she knows that she thinks all that Kane just said was all bullshit. At his question, the blonde's voice catches in her throat and she almost chuckles a little because a lot had happened to her but she stops herself from saying anything. "Lots." She answers vaguely, and Rachel cuts in to give all the little details on how Lara's life had been going. Her details were a little too explicit for Lara's comfort but she knows that there's no stopping Rachel now. "Pfft, lots, like that's gonna help you. Well, let's see, Lara's been focused on school, doesn't even go to parties anymore maybe like once a month now, but it's good, her grades have really pulled up which is what she wants. Uhm, well, she doesn't drink as much, thanks to me, probably." Lara shakes her head and nudges Rachel with her arm, a smile pulling at her lips. "Kidding, I think it's because the person who went to get alcohol for her before isn't around anymore." She proposes, though the person goes unnamed because it was Spencer who provided Lara with something to drink and Lara is still unable to talk about it. Well, she can if she wanted to but she'd rather not talk about her ex to her ex.

Christmas Day | Kane & Lara

"You guys are boring.I’m going to go watch the movie with everyone else. Bye, Kane!” Steven piped up, breaking the silence that had overcome everyone in the room. Kane looked away from his marshmallow and glanced over at the young boy who was already up and ready to leave. "Bye, bud! Don’t have too much fun,” he replied with a chuckle. At this point Steven was already running off to go join the adults in the living room and just barely turned around and waved at him with a smile. It was a bit amusing how quick he was to leave when everyone started talking about things that didn’t really include. Kane sort of wished he could do the same too, but he obviously couldn’t get away with it since the conversation included him. The silence continued after Steven left and Kane didn’t know if he like it or not. It was all too familiar and that was unnerving, to say the least. Him and Lara talking just fine only to end up being silent after a while. The first time had been during last winter break when they had seen each other after a few months and a breakup. The small talk had been fine, but then the phone call that had interrupted them. Sometimes he wondered if he hadn’t found out in that way that Lara had moved on and had a boyfriend things would’ve been different and they would’ve talked about everything right then and there and the awkwardness that still lingered between them wouldn’t remain. But maybe Kane was just kidding himself and that’s just how things were suppose to be. Maybe it was suppose to be awkward between them all the time and they weren’t suppose anything more than exes anymore. They had their time and now that time was obviously up and Kane had to accept that or he’d just look stupid trying to mend things between them when that couldn’t happen no matter how hard he tried. He wondered if Lara knew that too and that’s why she hadn’t brought up what they had talked about last winter about putting everything in the past and becoming friends just like he hadn’t either. The possibility that they could never be just friends didn’t surprise him too much since he was used to things not working out when it came to her.

Hearing Rachel speak again, Kane didn’t know if he should chuckle or try to make some kind of argument against her. Realistically speaking, you could run out of alcohol, but what he meant was that it was always there for him for whatever he needed it for. If he was feeling down, happy, or just wanted to let loose then it’s what he turned to and he stopped seeing it as a bad thing a while back. During high school, Kane rarely drank or did anything of the sort and instead focused on school and his grades. The past year had changed that about him and he could blame it on his friends, stress, or his environment, but he was pretty sure it was just a personal decision of his. “True, but it’s the answer to most things,” he replied with a shrug of his shoulders. He sounded just like every other guy his age who went to parties and hung out with people that went to parties just like him, but maybe he had started to become just like them. Kane noticed that Lara hadn’t said anything and he figured that she didn’t want to talk anymore. Letting out a small breath, he returned his attention to his marshmallow that looked just about ready. He was going to take it off of his stick when he heard Lara speak and paused to look over at her. Kane was caught off guard by the question and stayed silent as he thought it over. It had completely slipped his mind that she didn’t actually know who he had become since starting college. She was most familiar with his high school self who put everything before drinking and partying, especially his grades. Now that wasn’t the case and he just wasn’t used to people not knowing that. But what had actually surprised him the most was that she had even asked him that in the first place. He was inclined to believe that she wouldn’t ask him questions that went above the usual comfort level. “Uh, yeah, actually. Guess it’s just something I’ve picked up recently, but you probably shouldn’t tell my mom that,” Kane explained after a moment of silence. It was short and to the point and a part of him hoped she wouldn’t ask anything else about it. “I guess some people are,” he replied with a quick nod of his head. Seconds after the words came out of his mouth, his marshmallow caught on fire and he turned towards it and swiftly blew it out. Once it wasn’t in flames anymore, he took it off his stick and placed it in the tray to throw it away later.”I should probably pay more attention,” he spoke with a brief chuckle.

Lara watches Steven go with a sad smile, puffing out a breath of air before turning to Kane and letting a few words slip past her lips, regretfully, she might add. "You know, you don't have to stay here. You can go watch the movie." She offers him, Lara seemed to be the type of person who always gave people the option of leaving, she always let them get out when they could even though most of the time, she wanted people to stay. It doesn't make sense, for a girl who wanted people to stay in her life she sure did let people leave a lot. The only way people ever did stay was because they actually wanted to or because they knew Lara, and they knew that she didn't really want them to leave. What she could never understand was how Kane didn't pick up on that, maybe it was the stress of classes and he couldn't pick up on things in general or maybe it was because he wanted to end it between the two of them as well, the latter is the one she hopes isn't true. After all, she didn't really want to end things between them, and if he did, what did that mean for her? All things Lara didn't want to think about because all the answers could break her the same way the breakup did and she's not ready to go back to being that girl again. It's why she had hoped that they would work through everything last Christmas break but they didn't, only denting the surface, and the scar was there but the wound was closed. Lara didn't need to go around opening up old topics again, it wasn't her place to do so and as far as Kane knew, they were finished with all that. Maybe they were finished in general, maybe their story had run its course and they needed to stop trying to rewrite the ending and elongating the book. She thinks that they've given up with that, with the whole trying a friendship thing because neither of them have made the effort to actually try and be friends. Lara almost hates him for not trying and she wants to loathe the way he seems to not care but she can't, she can't find it in herself to hate Kane much at all really. All it really does is make her want to try harder as if she was trying to compensate for his lack of effort. She may always hold him at arm's length, that may never change, but what's worse is that she refuses to let go of him at all and that was always her problem.

Rachel can't believe what she's hearing from Kane, she remembers Lara telling her that Kane never did drink and that he was always the type to focus on his grades above anything else. Now here he was telling her that it was the answer to most of the problems in the world and she doesn't understand why Lara isn't figuring out that he's going in a downward spiral much like Lara had a year ago. She doesn't answer him, she doesn't care enough to, Rachel learned a long time ago that instead of stopping people from drinking it was best if you were there to hand the Advil to the person the next morning. Lara, meanwhile, is still trying to come up with plausible reasons for him drinking and she can't come up with any. She remembers Kane acting like a bit of a prude in high school, always one of the first people to back out of a drinking game while Lara was always the first person to volunteer, one of the things they were complete opposites with. Though it seemed that it had changed and now they were standing on opposite sides again but they've switched places this time. Kane jokes around again but Lara can't wrap her mind around the fact that he had become those type of people, she was that type of person but she had never expected Kane to be the same either. "I-yeah, yeah. Just, uh, drink responsibly." Lara sputters, pulling herself out of her own thoughts so that she could hold a conversation with Kane without looking like an idiot. She should've expected it, he would change, it's something she knew was bound to happen. Hell, she changed within six months of college and nearly turned her entire life around after the breakup so why was she so surprised with this information. Rachel notices that Lara is a little lost or at least confused as she tries to figure out what was happening with Kane and college so she cuts in and asks a question of her own, something she hopes won't raise any eyebrows. "So, Kane, how's college?" Immediately then, the girl realizes her mistake, Kane had been drinking too much in college and if his grades were perfect then it would've been a miracle. The brunette is expecting Kane to tell her that it wasn't going so great or something along those lines. Lara had been hungover for most of her freshman year and so everything that year turned into a disaster, her grades were horrible, she didn't make any friends, her teachers all hated her, and of course, the obvious, her breakup with Kane. Lara turns to her roommate as if asking what the hell she thought she was doing by asking that question, but Rachel just hushes her and gestured to Kane telling her to pay attention. For all they knew, what he would answer could be very important.

Christmas Day | Kane & Lara

There were certain topics that made Kane feel incredibly awkward to go into and he did his best to avoid them. The topic he had most tried to avoid was obviously anything having to do with him and Lara and their past. During the first few weeks after their breakup, he refused to talk about it at all and maybe that’s why he had caved into himself so much and kept more things inside than before it happened instead of reaching out and getting the support a part of him knew he needed. It had begun to be easier for him to talk to people that he wasn’t too close with since they weren’t familiar with his past rather than those who he had spent most of his life with. With Lara it was sort of a mix of the two. She was obviously someone who he had spent a great deal of his life around and probably the person who had left the biggest mark on his life at that point, but things were differently between them now, and they were different now too. One minute they could be talking like strangers about something so general that it couldn’t make things awkward or tense, but then the next minute they could transition into talking about something that was personal and made him want to just end the conversation right then and there. It’s not like he still held anything against her or anything since he knew it was best to keep things in the past and move on, but it was one of those ‘it’s me, not you’ situations where he was the one to blame for his inability to talk about those kinds of things. But you couldn’t really blame him since he had pushed away anyone who had tried to talk to him about it for a whole year, so he had become too used to doing it and now it was sort of like a reflex for him. It probably wasn’t much of a big deal anymore since Kane figured they had already gone through what they had needed to last winter break, at least he thought so, so as long as they didn’t try to bring it up again he was good. Of course they couldn’t forget what had happened since it was pretty near impossible to do so, but what they could do was just accept that it had happened and move on, and that’s what he had been doing.

The silence that followed after he had spoken provided a great deal of relief for Kane. It was better to focus on his marshmallow, or anything else except his ongoing conversation when he wasn’t expected to actually speak. He didn’t know why he had instead of just letting the conversation be. It would’ve been a lot easier to not say anything after his initial reply since it kept things above the surface, just how he liked it to be, but it was as if his mouth had moved on it’s. own since he hadn’t really thought his words through. Maybe it was the part of him that had wanted to reach out and talk to someone that had taken over and navigated him into speak, but that sounded odder the more he though about it, so he decided that it was him just being impulsive and not thinking before speaking or reacting, The silence continued and Kane began to get a bit worried that what he had said was actually a lot worse than what he had originally thought, but he didn’t say anything and instead kept his eyes glued to his marshmallow and the fire in the fireplace. The marshmallow was beginning to turn a dark shade of brown on one side, so he turned it to get it even. A voice beside him finally spoke out and he moved his gaze briefly over to who it belonged to. “Yeah, true. And you can never have too much alcohol either,” Kane replied with a slight chuckle. “Actually, I should probably try to lay off it,” he added with a shrug. It was the truth since he hadn’t done the best job at limiting his alcohol use, or actually, he hadn’t tried to limit it at all. For the past year he had been away from home and his parents so there was nobody to actually really stop him from drinking alcohol at parties, or just during his own free time despite his age. He’d be lying if he said that it hadn’t affected him at all since he had gotten a lot later because of all the hangovers he had the next morning. Kane somewhat hoped that that’s all that would be her reply since it was simple and din’t make him think more than he should, but he obviously didn’t have the best luck when it came to that. “You’re right. Guess I just have to hope for the right people, I guess,” Kane spoke in reply. He didn’t know if it even made any sense at all, but he decided not to correct himself and just leave it at that.

Steven gets up and tells the three college kids that they were boring and that he was gonna go watch the movie with the adults, Lara nods and she watches her little brother go. It occurs to her then that now Kane might leave as well, without her brother there, he didn't have anyone to talk to. Besides Rachel and Lara, of course, but she doesn't think that he'd really want to talk to either of them. She can't blame him though and she knows that they're trying, but it's hard to let go of much of anything. It's then that it hits her that maybe they'll never be okay, that maybe friendship was something that was just too much for either of them, that maybe they would never really find enough space for each other in their lives. The thought of that almost cripples Lara because in all honesty, she was looking forward to moving on and being friends with Kane and talking to him again but now it hits her that they'll never be able to get to that. It wasn't their faults either, you couldn't say that when they were obviously trying, but there was only so much you could move past and there was only so much history you could try to forget about. Too many things had happened, she used to know him like the back of her hand and he's changed but he's the same person and there are some things about him that no one else might ever know about, how did you stay just friends with someone you knew that much? It was too much, and she didn't realize that until now. Lara wants to say something about it and figure out where they needed to be but she knows that it'll only end up badly. Kane wasn't one to open up easily while Lara only needed a push to vocalize her thoughts or maybe it's because Rachel's taught her that it's best if you let things out. So now she's used to speaking up and telling people what she thought about things and it's a reason why she thinks that everything's become easier. Things get easier when you decide not to hold back so often. Lara wishes that she could tell Kane to do the same thing, maybe it'd make things easier on his part and once they got over all the bumps of trying to move past each other, it would be smooth sailing from then on. Though she already knows at this point, being friends was something they could never be, that it was just too much when they impacted each other so much, Kane's the reason she is who she is and it's hard to just forget about that. Lara can forget a relationship easy but when it comes to forgetting everything she ever felt for that person and everything they had meant for her, that's where she runs into problems.

When he speaks again, she nods, agreeing with him. Rachel, ever the responsible one, speaks up. "Uh, yes you can, alcohol isn't the answer to everything." She grumbles because she's not used to having to convince two people at the same time. Lara cut back on it, by a lot, she drinks more than a normal person but still, she drinks responsibly considering she was trying to pull her grades up. Right now though, the blonde looks like she was reverting to her mindset a year ago when she didn't go much anywhere without a bottle of alcohol in hand, nodding along and chuckling to herself like this was all too amusing. Lara thought he was just joking until he says that he should cut himself off and she pauses as she works out what he says. "You drink?" Of course she knew he had alcohol before and he didn't mind the occasional cup but she never thought it would go to the extent where he thought he needed to stop drinking. What doesn't make sense to her is why he was drinking, alcohol was used to forget or to let loose or to have fun, it was something you turned to when you stopped caring. She always thought that Kane was the person to care too much so what changed? Rachel holds her breath because Lara had unknowingly crossed a line and she knew that it had just accidentally slipped past the blonde's lips, but nevertheless, she shouldn't have said it either way. Lara didn't even think when she spoke, it was as if suddenly the words formed on her tongue and escaped past her red lips on its own free will. The silence overtakes the two and the blonde is speechless, left with nothing else to say because there isn't anything to say at all. She had long past worked through those problems and she can't even recall how she felt while doing everything. "Yep, don't lose hope, people are good." Lara gives him a smile because this is something that she would have liked to hear from someone else when she lost Kane, she wished someone had told her that she would be happy again and that other people would walk into her life and become someone that mattered. She turns to look at her roommate, who's now focused on making a s'more, and Lara smiles to herself before turning back to Kane, waiting for him to answer. In her mind, she hopes that he'll have learned something from her or that he'll listen to her, even now there's one thing that hasn't changed between the two of them. Even now, all Lara really wants is for Kane to be as happy as he can be. Even if it meant that she couldn't be present in his life.

Christmas Day | Kane & Lara

Kane tried to keep his eyes on his marshmallow that was steadily toasting nicely, and the fire that crackled in the fireplace instead of making direct eye contact with anyone even when he spoke or answered a question. It was mainly because whenever he looked directly at Lara, he felt as if she could tell what he felt and thought. Though it was probably stupid and unrealistic to think that, he couldn’t help it. He was a big believer in the saying ‘the eyes are the window to the soul.’ But what was he even thinking and feeling that he didn’t want her to know? It was a jumbled mess in his head and he couldn’t really tell. The only thing he knew was that he probably didn’t want to know why he was so scared of her knowing what he thought. Noticing that his marshmallow seemed to be ready, he pulled it out of the fireplace and grabbed the chocolate and graham crackers for the s’more. Carefully, Kane removed the toasted marshmallow from the stick and placed it between two graham crackers along with a piece of chocolate. It still looked a bit too hot to eat yet so he placed the s’more on the tray and grabbed another marshmallow and started on his second s’more. It was easier to just do his own thing and not interact with Lara or any of the others, but he had done that the whole of last year and most of this year and it literally hadn’t helped him at all, so it was up to him to change things up and actually make an effort so that maybe things go back to normal to some degree, if that was even possible anymore. Leave it to him to be incredibly pessimistic about certain things, but throughout the last two years he had learned that having low hopes and expectations was better than having high expectations and watching them come crashing down in front of his own eyes. It probably made him seem like he didn’t care much at all, but that was his burden,he guessed.

The smack to his arm made him look up and realize what he had let slip out of his mouth subconsciously. “Sorry, I forgot,” Kane apologized, quickly looking over at Steven to see if the boy had heard. Thankfully, he hadn’t since eating his s’more was way more important than listening to their conversation at that moment. Kane was used to censoring his words when he was at Lara’s house and around Steven since she reminded him about it, but almost two years and living in a place where there were only guys who obviously had no intention of keeping curse words and obscenities from coming out during conversation. He wasn’t much of a potty mouth, but he had his moments too. Staying silent once again, Kane wordlessly reached over and took s’more from the tray, checking it to see if it had cooled down enough to each. It had so he raised it to his lips and took a bite from it, turning the other marshmallow that was on his stick while he ate his s’more. A soft sigh of content left him as he swallowed the sweet treat. It honestly tasted better than any of the ones he had tasted before. The s’more was soon gone and he was a bit disappointed that he had eaten it so quickly. Hearing Lara speak again, Kane looked over at her, staying silent as he listened to her talk. He took in her words and thought them over. It seemed true, at least to him, but he couldn’t help but disagree at the same time too. “It doesn’t, actually. I think it’s pretty much true,” Kane reassured her, the corners of his lips turning up into a slight smile before he turned away. He thought about just leaving it at that since it seemed like a suitable ending point where he didn’t have to keep talking or anything like that, but obviously his mouth had other things in mind. “But some things and people are hard to forget even if you really tried and wanted to,” he couldn’t help but add, turning to glance at her fully for the first time since they sat down in front of the fireplace. It was such a stupid thing for him to say since she could think that he was talking about her. But was he? He knew he didn’t want to hear either answer. “That was actually dumb, wow,” Kane laughed, trying to ease some of the tension he felt.

Part of her can tell that he doesn't really want to talk to her, he avoided eye contact most of the time and she didn't really mind but when having a conversation, she did like being able to see their eyes. He'd look away often and fiddle with something else, she did too and she thinks it's how she knows that some part of her doesn't really want to talk to him either. Lara has nothing against him, well anymore, but there's still a lot of history but this time, she didn't just doze off and forget about it, she remembered every grueling detail of it. Which was the worst part, that even now, you could bring it up and she'd flash back to the exact time that everything fell apart, it was horrible and it's why she absolutely hates talking about it even to this day. Everyone is silent while they make s'mores, Steven's preoccupied by trying to stuff as many of the treat in his mouth while Rachel is listening intently on what either f them are saying and so she chooses to keep quiet. Lara finds that it's hard for her to be able to support a conversation when alone with him, at least right now, either of the other two could interject and add in their own comments. This also limited Kane and Lara from delving into any topics that usually would leave them both feeling drained and maybe even pissed off depending on what was said. The blonde shakes her head when he apologizes, shrugging. "It's fine." She can understand why he'd forgotten, her first time home after college she had slipped up a few times herself. College was a place where people cursed left and right and Lara had never been too good with censoring herself either, she cursed like a sailor most often times. Even Rachel was surprised about how Lara was able to censor herself at home considering she was barely able to do it in college. She thinks it's a reflex to just substitute words when it came to Steven, he was her little brother and she had decided that she wasn't going to be the one to be introducing him to that language.

They sit quietly again after Kane speaks the first time, and Lara thinks about what he had said, mostly true. She's curious about which part wasn't true or why he didn't agree, she can tell Rachel was too. Her roommate kept on nudging her as if egging her to ask him why he disagreed with her but Lara waved her off again, deciding that the question she wanted to ask probably crossed the line. She had learned a long time ago that the questions she wanted to ask the most tended to be the questions that were much too personal for comfort and so she keeps quiet. Kane pipes up again, further explaining his thoughts and Lara is left dumbfounded, taking a while to process his words as she tries to figure out what exactly was happening. She doesn't know if he's joking or not or if he was talking about her or just in general, for some reason, a part of her hopes and dreads at the same time that he's talking about her. Lara doesn't even know what to say to that but she doesn't want to stay quiet for too long as she might seem like she was overthinking too much which was definitely something she did a lot but she didn't want people to know. She had been watching him but when his gaze slid over to her, she quickly looked away afraid of what she would see. "Well, alcohol does the trick when it comes to that." Lara chuckled under her breath, careful that her words were quiet so as not to be overheard by the adults. Rachel adds in beside her. "Only temporarily though." She chimes which could just be something to tack on to the end but it was mostly a reminder of Lara, who did use alcohol whenever she was even remotely sad. Half the time, at parties, she'd even be in charge of getting alcohol as she's the one who drinks the most on a bad day. "No, it really wasn't. It's true. There are always going to be people who impact you more than others, you just gotta hope not all of them hurt you." She adds in a small voice at the end because this is what she's been drilling into her head for the past year, so far three people have impacted her and of the three, only one has seemed to leave a good mark. It's not just for herself anymore, it's for Kane too. To remind him that there will be people who come along and they will promise to stay and they will keep that promise. The only thing Lara can be sorry for is that she was not one of those people. She is a hypocrite and she doesn't know how anyone else hasn't told her so yet.

Christmas Day | Kane & Lara

It had never occurred to Kane that things could actually change between him and Lara. Even before they had broken up, he didn’t think that they could split up and stop being together since everything seemed so concrete and stable that the thought that they could one day be apart. Now that everything in the past year had happened between them, it was the complete opposite. He wasn’t completely sure that they could go back to being good friends like they were before they had actually started dating. There were times where he could see them in his head cracking jokes and laughing like they used to and being able to talk all the time without awkwardness and the constant wariness that one of them would suddenly bring up the breakup and whatever progress they had made would be for nothing. Whenever he thought that they could be friends, a little voice in his head told him to stop having such high expectations and that everything was just wishful thinking, and most of the time believed it. But maybe it really was just him trying to protect himself from being let down. It would make much more sense since that’s all that ever seemed to happen. Kane tried not to think about it too much and focused his attention on his marshmallow that was turning a nice shade of toasty brown-orange. From what he remembered from the last time him and his friend had roasted marshmallows, it wouldn’t burn if you turned it around every few seconds, so that’s what he did and the marshmallow was roasting nicely. Concentrating on his marshmallow also distracted him from the fact that he was sort of like the odd one out of the bunch since everyone could talk to each other comfortably except him. Sure Steven was next to him and there was no awkwardness between them, but that was only one person out of the three. Plus, the kid seemed to be having too much fun roasting his marshmallow to even think about talking to him.

Rachel’s question had Kane thinking if maybe they didn’t want him there after all. It probably shouldn’t have felt as much of a surprise than it did if that was the case since he really couldn’t blame them. Lara’s comment only added to his suspicion and he even had to stop and think a little. Maybe he could still go to the party since his mother already knew that he wanted to go so there was no need for him to sneak out anymore. Plus, he would have that wild and fun Christmas day that he had wanted so badly earlier that day. Except now that the hours at the Bennetts’ house had ticked by, the idea that he could spend Christmas with friends getting drunk and letting loose didn’t seem as attractive as it had hours before. Now, it seemed like it would be more of a pain than anything else and that confused him. It’s not like he had gone through and life-altering situation, so why the big change? Maybe he didn’t really want to know the exact answer to that question. “I guess so, yeah. If everyone hasn’t gotten completely shitfaced yet then it’s a possibility,” Kane replied, choosing not to reply with a definite ‘yes’ or ‘no’ since he wasn’t completely sure if he wanted to yet, or if he wanted to admit that he did or didn’t. His words were also true since he didn’t want to go to the party and be the only one who wasn’t drunk yet. It would only make him feel lamer than he already would by showing up to the party late with his only excuse being that his parents hadn’t let him go at first. But if it turned out that Lara and Rachel actually didn’t want him there, then he supposed that he would go. Once again, Kane focused on his marshmallow, noticing that it had gotten more golden on one side than the other, so he turned it in an attempt to get them even. It would probably be ready pretty soon. Another question reached his ear and he turned and looked over at Lara. “You could say that. I’ve befriended a lot of great people, but I guess nothing beats old friends. There’s just something about people you have history with,” he answered, giving a shrug of his shoulders before looking away quickly. “But that’s probably just me.”

She'd weirdly focused on trying to get her marshmallow to be perfectly roasted and Lara tries to keep most of her attention on the marshmallow rather than on Kane, or even just anything in general. She feels like she's betraying herself when she even so looks at him, she feels like she's letting down the girl who promised herself that she would never care abotu him again. She'd already failed at keeping that promise but she swears that she'll try, even though she's already failed miserably now too. Lara's a girl who cares too much, thinks too much, and acts too quickly, something that could often make her unappealing. She scared away most boys in college, the reason for why she hadn't gotten into a new relationship yet, although she did promise herself to be single for as long as possible too. Even without that, no one talked to her unless they were a friend or was asking for homework help, Lara threw herself in her studies as she tried to make up for freshman year and even tutored on the side when she had time. She was slowly and progressively turning back to the girl she was in high school, she used to think that turning back to who she was before would be a bad thing but the truth is, she hasn't been this happy since forever. He stays quiet for a long while and Lara is scared that she's once again crossed a line, something she seems to be good at not even just for Kane but for people in general. She was a social person and could make friends anywhere she went, but when it came to trying to come off as professional or mature, she failed miserably because she always ended up asking a question that was too personal. It was something she knew would bite her in the ass later when it came to looking for a job which was why she often tried to work on fixing that up with Rachel, and she had thought she was making progress. Obviously, that wasn't the case. Her marshmallow finishes roasting and she reaches behind her to put all the s'more stuff on the carpet in front of them where it was easily accessible. Lara assembles her s'more, biting into it as she waited for Kane to answer her question, getting more worried the longer he stayed quiet.

Lara smacks his arm lightly, giving a look to Steven, who thankfully was busy being preoccupied on finishing his first s'more. "Language." Her parents weren't strict when it came to swearing and knew that Lara and Sarah swore often but they had explicitly explained that Steven shouldn't be exposed to that kind of language at an early age. So Lara is used to telling people to watch their language when out with her brother, she'd had to remind Rachel many times during her stay. It's not a big deal, it's just something that they watch out for and Steven catches on and he knows that the language is bad so thankfully, he doesn't use it. She nods, thinking over his answers and she's still confused by the shift in attitude. Lara can't wrap her mind around the possibility that Kane might actually be enjoying his time at her house especially considering when he first walked in, he looked like he wanted to shoot himself. She chooses not to press the topic for any longer however, afraid that if she did, she would annoy him or make him rethink his choices and he would try to go to the party again. She finishes her s'more and begins to roast another one as she waits for Kane's reply again, Rachel was next to her, the girl's attention on Kane and on what he was saying. Rachel liked to give people her full undivided attention when it came to conversations and she didn't preoccupy herself with anything else when you were talking to her, it was a nice trait, something Lara appreciated greatly. Something about people you have history with. She doesn't know if that's meant to be directed at her or if it was just a general question, she doesn't want to sound self-entitled but she can't help but wonder if he was trying to tell her something with that response. Lara shakes the thought out of her head, not wanting to ask about it because she didn't want to be disappointed by his response, she was just going to assume that he meant about his old high school friends. "Maybe, I think when you're trying to start over and you know, trying to forget about your past, you let go of everything from before easily. I think it depends on which part of yourself you want to hold on to." Lara finally speaks, her words forming as quickly as the thoughts ran through her head. It's true, she had wanted to become this new person, not Lara from high school, Lara in college and so she held on to every idea of college and clung to it, making it a part of herself. Kane, seemed to have one foot in the door, making good friends with people in high school and college as well, Lara used to be like that too. "That sounds dumb, sorry." She mutters under her breath, shaking her head because she hates vocalizing her thoughts, always in fear that people would think she was stupid. It's why only Rachel knows her deepest, darkest secrets because she knows Rachel won't judge her.