I'm really sorry for throwing this all here and you don't have to read or post it, I just need a safe space to scream where my friends/partner systems won't see. Cw for fusion talk, I don't know if that needs a warning
I think I'm starting to fuse with our host and I'm terrified.
I'm just going to call him T for simplicity's sake (he uses they/them pronouns, I'm the only one who can call him.. him. It's a persecutor thing.) but he's been our host since for about two and a half years. I split off about a year and a half ago.
I'm technically a duplicate of him, we're from the same source character, but we're very different. He's all fuckin.. Healed and matured and moved on from his shit, and I haven't. I'm still stuck in who I was and who I am. It's a little easier to live with now, but I feel like I'm the evil alter. I'm like a dark shadow of him, all the horrible parts of himself that he couldn't carry anymore got shaved off and formed into whatever lump of flesh I became.
And I'm fine with that. I can live with that. I don't want to change. I'm surviving just fine as I am and I actually have people around me who don't care that I'm an asshole.
But more and more lately it's felt like T and I are getting muddled. Another headmate said that our souls looked tangled, I don't know how tf he saw that but he's a demon so he just Knows Thing. Someone else explicitly said we're fusing and that I'm going to disappear, but I don't know if I can trust them, because they're a persecutor too and they like to target me.
I've been trying to let go of a lot of exotrauma lately and it's hard. I'm extremely connected to my source and I didn't get a happy ending. My entire existence was based around being manipulated, and that hasn't changed since coming to the system, it's just been new faces doing the same shit. I'm a persecutor that gets targeted by all the other persecutors. I'm pretty much a living punching bag.
But I met a guy in one of our partner systems and I really like him. They've got a bunch of littles that all seem to adore me and I don't know why. One calls me her big brother. There's people who like me. I'm really trying to let myself be ok and to accept that I'm allowed a happy ending this time and that I'm not putting people at risk just by admitting I care about them, but it feels like every step toward that gets me more and more tangled up with T. Me hating myself and him is the only thing that seems to be keeping us solidified on our own.
I'm not against fusion for the whole system, I get it happens sometimes, but I don't want it to happen to me. I don't want to disappear. I finally feel like I'm able to survive my shit enough to function and I have people who would miss me if I was gone.
But honestly I think the scarier idea is that I wouldn't. That I'd be the main one who got to stay. T is in a tangled ass polycule with seven people between our system and two others. And I only really like one of them, I kind of actively hate some of the others. One of the partner system boyfriends C would probably have a full nervous breakdown if he disappeared entirely.
I don't know what to do. Either I stay hateful and cruel and go back to beating up T and pushing everyone away to keep us separated, or we fuse and I either disappear, or destroy everyone else's happiness for the sake of my own. It feels like there's nothing here I can do to win and honestly it's all starting to feel like one cosmic joke. I can't even talk to anyone, because our two closest friends are our partner systems, and I don't want to freak them out.
I'm just so tired. I want to be happy without having it blow up in my face and it feels like that's not possible.
Listen. I used to be scared of fusion of any kind. Terrified. My first fusion was super unintentional, unexpected, and frankly painful for a number of reasons. I avoided the idea of it for so long that even when I realized it would probably happen regardless, I just ignored it. And that made it so, so much worse in the long run.
When it finally came around, it hurt. I felt like I was losing one of my best friends. And I was so caught up with who my predecessors were that I didn't know who I was for almost a full year.
But you know what? It got better. I slowly started picking up on things I liked and disliked, what little differences I experienced. After finding out I loved honey mustard when I used to hate it, it almost became a game to me. "Will I like this food Cameron was fond of? Maybe I'll try makeup like Cara. Maybe I'll create something entirely new for myself." (I did, by the way. Picked up HTML for the hell of it.)
The next time fusion happened, I let it. I felt it coming on for probably about a month or so, and I remembered what happened the last time. So, I sat down and breathed. Didn't panic the same way as before.
And after thinking, it was genuinely nice! I was excited to see how I'd grow this time. What idiosyncrasies I'd pick up. Whether I would still fantasize about Pipeline Punch Monster Energy when I was feeling down.
My gender and orientation went on full-tilt, but even that wasn't as upsetting as the first!
I'm going to tell you something I wish someone would've told me:
Change is going to come whether you enjoy it or not.
Yes, things will be different. Yes, it could very well be emotional and hard at times. But if you're fusing, it's usually for a really good reason, despite if you consciously know what that reason is yet or not. Brains have a pretty good idea of what's best for your system's wellbeing. They're certainly not perfect, but they know damn well how to process complex experiences most singlets wouldn't dream of.
You're not going to disappear, and things aren't going to be nearly as bad as they might seem. I promise you, you'll come out on the other end better. And if shit really does hit the fan? You'll know for next time.