I’ve decided to turn this into my plural ranting blog for times that I need to scream about being a headmate without alerting the people in my hosts life that are pity following my blog.
There are three members of my system. We won’t be going by our actual names but I’m Em and will be the main one posting on this blog I think. It seems like I’m the one who needs these vents a lot more than.
The second alter will go by Bridget. She’s much more established than I am in the headspace and less frustrated and doesn’t post much.
The third alter is our host, but I hate viewing her like that because what’s it make me? So we all refer to her as an alter to put her on the same level as me and Bridget. The system is torn on whether we should give her a pseudonym too, since she won’t be posting. Still I would like a way to talk about her without constantly calling her the host. So let’s call her Cassie
I’ll still be posting transfeminism here, reblogging information and mutual aid as that’s so important to me. I’m just ready to step away from the forcefem hydra and assert my own (anonymous) identity
bringing this back because it's pride month and people are saying i'm trying to "divide the community." motherfucker everyone in the queer and trans communities shit on transfems all the time and you want me to act like there isn't already a division? no one gets to pretend like everything's okay when the people who are supposed to be our allies are transmisogynists. everyone is already biased against us. do you know how sickening it is to see random people in my fucking community so easily and readily go along with any accusation against transfems, no matter how absurd or unsubstantiated? do you know how sickening it is that the people i'm supposed to lean on are the ones painting us as predators and monsters and threats for no other reason than "the vibes were off"?
i'll stop being biased for transfems when there's no longer a need. i'll stop when people actually treat us like people and not some fucking underclass they unfortunately have to include. hell, it would be a leap forward for aspiring allies to even so much as acknowledge that we're treated this way, instead of living in a fantasy that we're doing just as well or unwell as anyone else. so long as the status quo continues, the community is already divided. try working with us instead of pretending we're making shit up if you want me to stop being a bitch about it.
Weird question but is there a way to kill off one of us? That one's existence is unwanted both by self and the rest of us, and that one doesn't care if death is achieved just for self or by axing the body (and therefore the rest of us). We want to live.
Let me answer this with a story.
Warning for self harm and suicide discussion.
Folks in the comments, please be nice to this anon. They're in a hard place and compassion is what helps.
When we were newly discovered as plural, we weren't doing well. On top of dealing with major depression and struggling with "panic attacks" (flashbacks, in retrospect), a lot of us feared or hated each other. Infighting was a major problem.
In particular, most of us disliked Ann.
Ann used to threaten us, insult us, and otherwise harrass the rest of us constantly. She did quite a lot to hurt us and the people we loved at the time, physically and mentally, and I'd rather not go into detail beyond saying that even Ann will admit that she was an asshole at the time. She regrets a lot of it nowadays.
None of us liked her. She didn't like herself. She wanted us dead, and we wanted her gone. It felt like the only way out of the situation would be to get rid of her.
So, we tried to get rid of her. If I could go back in time and undo any one decision in our life, that would be the one.
Killing her didn't work, and it's something that I have a lot of retrospective grief for. We know why she felt and acted that way now, and she didn't deserve what we did to her. She deserved help and care.
She wanted us to die because she hated herself, and because she held the anger we'd dissociated away for most of our life, and because no one had taught her how to cope with the pain and rage and self-hatred. She hurt us because she thought that no one would ever pay attention to her unless they were angry or scared of her. She hurt us because she was in pain.
And instead of helping her, we tried to kill her. When that didn't work, we tried locking her up deep inside our head so that we could forget about her. It did keep her out of front for a while. But it wasn't worth it, and it didn't help her in the slightest. It just made everything worse when she broke out.
Don't lock up your headmates as a long-term measure. Don't lock them up at all if you can avoid it, but at the very least, have a concrete plan for getting them the support they need to safely come out of containment.
Imagine being stuck inside your head, unable to live your life, unable to do much more than stew on all of the pain you've experienced, fully aware that the people in your head think you should die or go away forever. Whether or not you want to die, it doesn't help to know that the folks that are supposed to be there for you no matter what would prefer that you stop existing.
She was stuck in a box inside our head for months. And then she got out, and she tried to kill us, and I don't blame her for making that choice. I'm just glad we all lived.
I don't know what I would do without Ann nowadays. The exact reasons that we all hated her are now the reasons that we're glad she exists. That pain and anger and sharpness turned out to be important. She turned out to be important. There's so much that we would never be able to do without her.
Please. I am really, sincerely begging you: do not try to kill or bury your headmates. I know it's scary, I know there's risk, I know they're suicidal or angry or controlling or traumatized. There are better ways to handle their behavior than trying to get rid of them, and they have more to offer than pain and harm.
Be kind to them. Make deals. Make contracts. Give them something that they want in exchange for staying alive, or teach them coping skills, or find some safer way to meet their needs. Listen to what they're feeling and thinking, and listen for the reasons that they're doing this. Suicidal or homicidal ideation doesn't happen in a vacuum. Something is driving that behavior.
Being rejected or abandoned when you're in pain doesn't make the situation any better. Being supported does.
We have a book chapter on all of this that goes over ways to deal with headmates that hurt or threaten you. I keep meaning to port it over to its own article, but until then, here's a link directly to it: when your system hurts you.
I so legitimately thought I’d be using this blog for ages but shockingly things are going so well. Cassie and I have been cofronting a lot, Bridget has been picking up where she can, and I’ve made quite a few new connections with systems.
It’s not like I’m deleting this blog or anything but you can assume if I’m quiet that things are good
Having headmates and planning for their schedules is strange sometimes because like I am putting on an entire outfit I’d never wear bc Em will be here later
@britts-galaxy-brain platformed @noblackwomannocry, a cryptot(w)erf.
This is the clearest smoking gun we have, with her laughing along to a follower accusing another user of being a "male" (trans woman). Say what you want about TMA/TME terminology, but she did accuse someone of pretending not being a trans woman.
Said follower, by the way:
Britt has repeatedly claimed ignorance (to put it mildly) about noblackwomannocry's rhetoric.
A Few Transmisogynistic Things I've seen in the last two years:
One of the "Former TERF" Transmascs who came up with Transandrophobia theory has dropped the former part, detransitioned, and is also now an avowed Nazi. Followers of the ideology claim that this is a non-issue on how they view the ideology.
Two separate transmascs and one cis woman "ally" made videos lolcowing "acceptable target" transfems.
One of the most prominent serial harassers of Trans women on this site was outed as a Kiwifarms user and fully bought into the Pizza-gate conspiracy. Many people who participated in the campaigns they ran are saying "Well I'm certain they were right about the ones I harassed."
Tumblr Staff's Rate of banning trans women reached a mass so noticeable that it made news. Tumblr claims that this was in error, but has continued to ban at the same rate, and hopes everyone forgets that they were previously sued (and settled) for anti-LGBTQ bias in its moderation, confessed to having moderators taking bribes to ban targeted users, and its own CEO stalked a trans woman across multiple social media sites.
Men (both cis and trans) unironically state with their full chest that the basic assertions of transfeminism are Misandry and harass trans women about this.
Yet another new study debunked the basis for the anti-trans sports bans. It was never about sports but for creating legal avenues for exclusion and abjection. This is one of the largest analyses ever conducted, involving 52 studies and 6,485 trans people. Read the study here.
Yet another new study debunked the basis for the anti-trans sports bans. It was never about sports but for creating legal avenues for exclusion and abjection. This is one of the largest analyses ever conducted, involving 52 studies and 6,485 trans people. Read the study here.
Yet another new study debunked the basis for the anti-trans sports bans. It was never about sports but for creating legal avenues for exclusion and abjection. This is one of the largest analyses ever conducted, involving 52 studies and 6,485 trans people. Read the study here.
Things have been pretty good. Me and Em have met new people who are really nice. We’ve all been very tired the last few days emotionally though. I’m hoping today goes better in that department bc it is causing system disarray.
hi I'm remaking an ebegging post cause the old one is from my deleted blog(s) lol, I'm still unemployed and working on finding a job, gonna just donate plasma as much as possible for the time being, this is just for bills and groceries, anything helps. dm for paypal
Instantly exchange money for free on Cash App
Venmo is a digital wallet that lets you make and share payments with friends. You can easily split the bill, cab fare, or much more. Downloa
Also I really want some headmate friends and so does Bridget, so like please reach out if you’re looking for the same. I can’t follow you but I do want to talk to you. Asks and DMs are open
I just wanna fade to the back again. I was so angry and energetic when I showed up and now I just idk. Subsume me back into Cassie, maybe I’ll do more good there
I feel like my days switch between fury at Cassie for making me exist, and pure helplessness that this world and life will never truly be mine. My friend groups, my job, my day to day life, my hair, my whole body. Im just along for the ride and show up to get angry and say some swear words every now and then.
I just wanna fade to the back again. I was so angry and energetic when I showed up and now I just idk. Subsume me back into Cassie, maybe I’ll do more good there
