i have found what you are like

hi i'm caroline and i have crushes. i write about them here.

[poemsabouthim]

and all at once looking up at the starts polluted by the city lights i realized how happy i was. i saw galaxies with you out in the pasture of your mississippi home and those stars shined so bright that i can feel them all the way from the 350 miles that separate us. but the fact that those stars shine somewhere and the fact that they're real means the world to me. because even if they're light years away i know they're out there shining bright and waiting for me to come home

[poemsabouthim]

Last week we spent so many nights Up on the phone till early morn You said you missed me Wanna kiss me What the fuck is going on? Last night you told me all about This girl you met You said she's got nothing on me But then she ended up in your bed But I've been waiting for a call Can't think of anyone at all When I'm with you It feels so right It feels so real Because i feel Like you're the only one I Want to spend the night Yes it can get so fucking lonely But it's worth it if it's right It's getting hard for me to feel Like you even care I know I wanna be with you Do you wanna be with me too? I know the distance makes it hard to keep it in your pants But I'd do anything for you Fuck this modern romance I just can't wrap my head around The thought of someone new you're everything to me Even after all you've put me through There's so much love in my heart Reserved for occasions such as this For when I feel it in my bones Like you feel it when we kiss But I'll play along With your silly little games In the hopes that I could make you stay That you'll give me the time of day I pray One day you'll turn around Realize you wanna settle down That the thrill of the chase aint shit compared to the girl Who takes your breath away It's getting hard for me to feel Like you even care I know I wanna be with you Do-you wanna be with me too? I know the distance makes it hard to keep it in your pants But I'd do anything for you Fuck this modern romance

[poemsabouthim]

i can honestly say you scared the shit outta me my heart was on my sleeve what were you thinking the sweetest nothings whispered over the phone i hope by the end of this i don't end up alone you said you loved me and then disappeared for days. you scared the shit out of me how did you think that was ok? but i can't deny that i feel the same it doesn't make any sense. you're all i think about. i think that love is stressing me out.

[poemsabouthim]

i hate the fact that i can stay up until four in the morning talking to you and not even miss the hours of sleep i've lost.

[poemsabouthim]

it’s a strange thing, that moment when you realize you love someone.

the first time it was the middle of the day as you drove and held my hand.

one time it was when we were lying side by side laughing and kissing

I think this time I realized it when you left.

I know you didn’t want to leave me. but you had to. and I didn’t want to see you go.

and I never realized how much I loved you until you were long gone.

[poemsabouthim]

I fall more in love with you with every drag of this cigarette drink under the cloudy starless night I’m thinking of you. you who kiss me with the passion of a starry night a shaky flight a thought that I might spend the summer with you and kiss you under the summer sun and moon and all the galaxies above us.

For once. I feel like I’m falling in love. finally.

and I can’t wait to touch you again and take long drives with you and spend more drunken nights arguing over art and meanings and talking for hours about everything.

I miss you. and I’m falling for you. slowly. but it means so much to me.

[poemsabouthim]

I feel a faint memory of kissing the one I loved. and feeling the way his hand felt caressing my cheek and the way his beard scratched against my chin. I miss him so much. I miss him so much I can’t bear it. I think I loved him. I think I may still love him.

but to know he didn’t feel the same broke my heart. not because he didn’t love me back. but because he could have. some time in the future where we aren’t whisked away by a whole new life and experience. meeting people and having fun.

I wish I met you later. because then I think you could love me too like I loved you.

kisses don’t feel the same after you kiss the one you love.

[poemsabouthim]

i can't tell if i want to kiss you or just fuck you or hold your hand or fall in love with you. but all of the sudden you're right here and so close to me. and the timing couldn't be more perfect. maybe what we have is the perfect storm or maybe it's the real thing. it's too soon to tell but I know I like you and I'm willing to find out what we are.

[poemsabouthim]

of course I'm not thinking of you until I'm sitting at my kitchen table and I think I hear your voice coming from my headphones. and it sounds like those whispers of your hot breath in my ear but it's farther away. on a street somewhere late at night before this acoustic anthem. I think I will miss you. I'm pretty sure I will.

[poemsabouthim]

I dreamt about you last night again. you reached out to me to make up for the years of unintentionally ignoring each other and slight glances and almost closeness that I never acted upon. I was thinking about you again because I saw another photo of you with your arm wrapped around her like it has been for the past year and I thought that it could have been me [and that thought is ridiculous (and I wish I didn't think about impossible things) but of course I do because you and I were impossible back then.] But if I knew you now, it wouldn't be impossible. it would be unlikely. but not impossible.

[poemsabouthim]

you felt my breath on your neck but you never felt my heartbeat. I heard you speak but didn't understand until you said that you want me. your hands were forceful and wanting but never touched me the way he used to. I tried to know you but I know I can't begin to. and I know you'll never know me and if I never fuck you again I'll be okay because I know it's nothing to either of us. but all I've known is an easy fuck and I'm now craving more.

[poemsabouthim]

tonight, love disgusts me. in these few nights before valentines day I've realized how fucking impossible love is right now for me. because I let the sweet boy go and fucked the risk taker and killed friendships and let myself down. and I don't need any of your goddamn romance. I need some fucking peace of mind.

[poemsabouthim]

you make me want to kiss you  and have you fall for me  and have you wrapped around my finger  and I'll break your heart that couldn't find a way to love before.  and I want to be that cold bitch  who threw you out  just because she could. 

and I want to feel nothing. to be the homewrecker heartbreaker  that I always admired  for her stoic  pursuit of power  through love. 

I know I have you  so vulnerable  and I could crush you  like a beer can on the sidewalk.  and I think I want to  just because I can.  but I think your weakness for me  has stuck a chord. 

Because I used to be the groveling  romantic,  jumping at the first prospect of love.   I was so enthralled with the chance  of romance that I lost sight of myself.  and I hope to bring that   insight  back into his life.  and crush him, if that's what it takes. 

because I think I'd rather fall off a building  than fall for someone  who wouldn't look me in the eye. 

[poemsabouthim]

I'd like to think of myself  as a person who can separate  emotion and sex.

of course,  there are emotions  with partners  and relationships,  but I can't imagine  being hung up  on a one-night stand. 

I don't think  that something  so primal  could automatically  link  to emotion. 

it's the idea of love  and sex  together endlessly  are intertwined  in romance movies  and novellas  but I say  that's a load of hot  bullshit. 

because I like to fuck and I don't like to feel.  and I'm happy. 

[poemsabouthim]

I don’t know how you feel  about me.  I think you like me  but I’m not even sure if you  like girls  (the way that I like you) 

I just know that your lips are perfection and your voice sounds of singing  and your hair flows from your shoulders  in perfect ringlets  and I’ve fallen for you. 

I’d give anything  just to kiss you  or hold your delicate  hand. 

You’ve let me see  la vie en rose  and I suppose  I could tell you  but I’m far too timid to let you know. 

[poemsabouthim]

your friend fucked my friend  just for the hell of it. apparently that's what he does  to virgins at parties.

you wanted to fuck me  just for the hell of it  because I was drunk at a party and you held my hand  and kept me close and warm  in that early January breeze.  and I did things I hadn't tried before  and you made me feel special.  I know now that it wasn't. 

you'll probably forget me by the time you come back home, and I'm trying not to care about the fact that I'm probably just another girl  you used for pleasure.

[poemsabouthim]

I can't stop thinking about you and how your body felt  pressed warmly against mine.

I don't think we feel the same way.  I'm afraid you'll forget about me.  I'm afraid that none of this matters.  I didn't think it mattered at first.  But now I can't stop thinking about you and I'm worried that it did matter (quite a lot) to me.