its been a while since i opened this online journal, daily life before this week had a chokehold on me and i’ve only had time to reflect now that the only routine i have is going to the gym, feeling the unemployment bluesss… NOT LMAO im actually enjoying the days before my graduation bc my employed girlies already gave me a heads up abt how hectic and busy life becomes once u do start working… rn im not stressing abt it, but in the near future i have a big life decision coming up and im still not sure which choice i wanna make… should i go work abroad and settle there for a few years (nice pay, i have relatives there to help me adjust, obvi d better option) or should i stay in d ph? easy decision tbh but thats bc i left out a big factor… my social life. there’s my family, my girls, and dan… the most important, kuma ): luv everyone but kuma gets top prio LMAO fr tho… when i feel alone and detached from everyone, even dan bc we dont spend all of our days together, this decision becomes clearer and nicole worded it best: you’re alone in this world, not in a depressed way but in a practical selfless “no one owes you anything, even the ones that love you” way and that’s exactly what i thought too. I still dream of traveling the world and experiencing as much as i can of what the world has to offer and i think practically this opportunity is a great first step towards that, or the beginning of it if it works out well. At the same time, i was thinking “hmm isn’t my outlook (that i’m alone in this world and that i shouldn’t expect from ppl who love me bc they don’t owe me anything) sounding a bit like a trauma response, specifically detachment followed up by apathy?” am still not sure abt this but i noticed that i lean towards starting a new life abroad when i feel alone but when im with friends, family, or dan suddenly i can’t decide. I still have more self-reflecting to do but i know I can’t do LDR so if i do move to a different country, that would mean i can’t maintain the relationships i have here—not that im maintaining them well rn LMAO y do ppl not reciprocate, am tired of initiating, thank god for nic n cj, my lifelines—and so this makes this already big decision even more of a big decision, cant english let’s move on, anw if anyone has a valo discord full of ppl who plei every day pls adopt me, ive been solo q’ing and sometimes its great but most times its bad. thats another thing ive been happy abt, cant believe i went from iron to gold 3 in like a year or more hehe am still inconsistent but am proud, grinding at d gym (2 months consistent btw) n in valo waw,, buff gamer girl is d goal rn,, later it’ll be buff gamer girl w a high paying job!!! ʷʰᵉᵗʰᵉʳ ᶦᵗ'ˢ ᶦⁿ ᵈ ᵖʰ ᵒʳ ᵃᵇʳᵒᵃᵈ ᶦᵈᵏ
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