Brooke

Main blog is cherrywinestainedlips This was originally just a check please sideblog but I think this is pivoting into a general gay hockey blog because heated rivalry is rent free in my mind

[gaynehollander]

Ilya and Shane come home from a team party, both drunk as fuck, and Shane is adamant that they have to eat something before going to sleep "to prevent a hangover." He's literally firing up the grill and taking out two steaks, yelling at Ilya to cut up some vegetables for him to put on the grill. Ilya, however, is busy on the camera - deciding that his top priority is putting a video of his man being the perfect husband on his private story. Only, he accidentally goes live instead. He's drunk enough not to realise that people are commenting on the video live, nor that, if he were filming a video for his story, it would have been cut off due to the length a long time ago. So thousands of people are intently watching Shane grill up a couple of steaks while his husband drunkenly tells him how smart and capable he is. Several people have the Ottawa fire department's number already dialled and ready to go, in case anything happens.

By morning, clips of the live are spreading like wildfire on social media. Some notable mentions include:

Shane saying "watch this," and then throwing the grill tongs in the air only to fail to catch them and banging his head on the grill (which was thankfully shut) when bending to pick them up. Some versions of this clip include the almost two full minutes of shaky footage of the sky that followed as Ilya laughed his ass off.

Shane standing at the grill, in his backwards cap, unbuttoned flannel, tank top, and shorts, looking unfairly attractive while Ilya keeps up a running commentary about how his husband is the perfect man. This clip ends with Shane turning to face Ilya and asking, his words slightly slurred through his besotted grin, "what are you whispering about, baby?"

Ilya's shot of Shane's plate that then pans over to his husband before turning the phone around to film himself as he says, "get you a man who knows how to cook," before Shane interjects with, "are you on fucking Instagram live, Ilya??"

[cottageloon]

pork hollander is currently the best thing happening in the heated rivalry world right now

[autistic-shane-hollander]

You would think that Cliff would not like Pork Hollander because he doesn't like his king, Ilya; however, Pork is the only animal to voluntarily go anywhere near Cliff since he's become a vampire, plus Cliff knows Pork's apparent hatred of Ilya is mainly just misunderstandings. he knows the feline hollander has saved Ilya's life many times, mainly by pissing on his belongings and delaying his departure saving him from 6 car accidents and an armed robbery

[junkdrawertales]

twitter: haha what if Shane adopted a hairless cat named Pork

tumblr: obviously, Cliff Marleau is a vampire from the High Middle Ages

[isolabellz]

does tumblr know about pork hollander?

[letsfindouttomorrow]

shane has pork but ilya has beef

[whoneedscanon]

hello, it’s me your certified fat friend/heated rivalry enjoyer. (qualifications for this post: fat my whole life, home baker like harris, troy barrett defender)

i am here to remind you that fatphobia is rooted in racism. fatphobia’s ONLY root is racism. if you are using anti-Black talking points to smear justice smith’s casting as harris drover, you are not being pro fat liberation. You are not being pro fat representation. You are being racist. Do not use my community as an excuse for racism, fat liberation IS Black liberation. (Further reading: the belly of the beast by da’shaun harrison & fearing the black body: the racial origins of fatphobia by sabrina strings)

it is understandable to be disappointed that harris was not cast as someone chubby. It is not understandable to be disappointed that harris was cast as someone Black.

[cottagehillsunset]

I love the headcanon that Shane, when he's really drunk, is a runner (kudos to whoever came up with it).

It doesn't happen often (his Canadian Boyscout Golden Boy of Hockey image is in tact) but there's at least one YouTube compilation. And it's just ordinary people filming insta stories or videos with their friends. And suddenly whoosh Shane Hollander flies past them. Followed closely by Hayden and/or JJ sprinting after him shouting his name.

And over the years more of these videos pop up. Only now they also include Ilya. Wyatt. Troy. On one notable occasion even Scott because he's the only one who knows his way around New York's streets.

The first time Hayden shows up to a club in sneakers Ilya teases him about it but boy does he reget his words when he chases down a drunk Shane four hours later, Hayden already a couple of steps ahead.

[cottagehillsunset]

Ilya is used to carrying babies and small children in his arms. Because he used to hold his niece in his arms (though that became less frequent with each summer he went back to Russia) and he's babysat the Pikelings a handful of times now, so yes he knows to support a baby's head and can carry around a toddler no problem.

Cue Ilya making a rare appearance at Bood's Barbeque because it's the team's chance to meet little Milo for the first time. Everyone congratulates the parents and oohs and aaws at Milo. Cue Bood asking "anyone want to hold him?"

And Ilya is the first to volunteer, already reaching out his hands. And Bood, like any new parent, starts the "Alright here we go, now be careful to support the head-" only to trail off because Ilya does not need any help. For some strange reason, Ilya fucking Rozanov is a pro at holding a baby, murmuring to him in Russian swaying him softly in his arms.

The Groupchat ("CenBros NO CAP") goes wild because how the fuck is Rozy so good with babies. And then one of the rookies is like "maybe he has a baby??" and at first everyone scoffs because, hello. This is Ilya Rozanov we're talking about.

On second thought, though.

Ilya did move to Ottawa seemingly out of nowhere.

He did buy a house in the suburbs.

He is strangely secretive about who he's texting all the time.

He is skipping almost every team event.

Suddenly it all makes sense. Ilya has a girlfriend (wife??) and he moved to Ottawa for her so that they could raise their child together. And of course he's almost never attending a team outing or leaving early, he has a child at home! Of course he's secretive about it, Ottawa or not he's still Ilya fucking Rozanov, papped every second day. It only makes sense that he'd want to protect the identiy of his girlfriend (wife??) and child.

The final piece of evidence is overheard by Holmberg and Young on a random Thurday after practice. Ilya clearly hasn't noticed them as he walks to his car, a fond smile on his face and obviously focused on his phone call. "Goodnight, I miss you very much. I will be home soon", he says. It's followed by laughter and Ilya adding that "Yes, of course is necessary! I have been away all day, my daughter must hear me say goodnight to her."

Holmberg and Young (standing next to Young's car and therefore hidden from Ilya's view) stare at each other with open mouths and wide eyes. Because holy fucking shit Rozy just confirmed he has a daughter?? And based on the conversation also a girlfriend/wife??

Meanwhile Shane, who patiently sat next to where Anya was curled up on the couch with his phone on speaker so that Ilya could tell her goodnight, is happily talking with Ilya about what to cook for dinner.

Edit: there's more in the tags :)

[lesbianalumni]

Way down the line, when they're leading Ottawa to another Stanley Cup, Ilya gets slammed too too hard by some eager new player. He's knocked unconscious and Shane practically flies from the box to the ice, watching as the EMTs intervene and carry him out on a stretcher.

Yuna goes in the ambulance with Ilya — Shane can't get out of his skates fast enough to run over in time, so he drives a few minutes behind them — and she calls Shane to keep him updated. It's fine, it's all fine, Ilya is already semi conscious and talking to them both. Shane's mind goes to all of the worst places anyway.

They lose service when they get in the elevator, but Yuna still sends out a text message with the room number. Shane speeds faster and then bolts through the hospital.

When he finally sees Ilya, minutes later, already in a blue hospital gown and connected to an IV but conscious and beaming up at him, Shane breaks into tears.

"Don't cry, solnyshko," Ilya says. "Come here," he holds out the hand that's free from the needles and Shane takes it.

"I have something important to ask you," Ilya tells him. It suddenly feels so serious. Shane's heart drops.

"Will you come to my cottage this summer?" Ilya says in a sing-songy voice, using his best Canadian accent. "Don't go to Russia. Come to my house, we'll have so much fun..."

Shane laughs. "You remember that?"

"Every fucking word."

[gaynehollander]

One practice, not too long after Shane joins the Centaurs, he's limping and, honestly, it's affecting his skating. In between scrimmages and drills, he keeps straightening up and wincing a little, gloved hand resting on his lower back. There's no way it passes anyone by but it isn't until they're back in the locker room that someone comments on it. "Rough night last night?" Bood asks and no sooner are the words out of his mouth than Ilya has smacked the back of his head and told him to shut the fuck up. Shane's flushing but glares at him before saying, "I slipped in the goddamn shower, okay?" None of the Cens quite believe him but once he shucks his clothes it's obvious that there's a huge fresh bruise on Shane's lower back, leading up his spine. Bood hisses just at the sight of it. "Shit, man" he says, "I'm sorry." Shane mumbles something that sounds like, "don't worry about it," but his cheeks are still burning red because, yes, technically a slip in the shower is exactly what occurred but Ilya was the one who slipped. While holding Shane up against the wall. And now they have a fucking plumber coming around because not only did Shane crash into the tiles and bang his tailbone, he somehow managed to grab the shower head on his way down and tore it clean off, bursting the pipe.

[bees-reads]

After Shane and Ilya get married Ilya is so happy to finally change his pfp to be one of him and Shane. To piss Ilya off Hayden also changes his pfp to him and Shane. Cue different NHL players slowly changing their pfp to photos of them and Shane. It basically becomes and unspoken trend that when you enter the NHL you need to get a photo with Shane Hollander to change your pfp as a right of passage.

[sparklespiff]

Sometime after Shane is on the Centaurs, JJ drops by to hang out with Shane and of course Ilya is there.

Ilya: So I hear you tried to get Shane to cheat on me with a personal trainer with his dad's name.

JJ: dude I did not know you were together and also he was so fucking stressed out! I figured getting laid would help!

Ilya: Oh it does 😉

Shane: Kill me now

JJ: but now I've got all these single gay dudes in my phone and I've hooked some of them up with each other but I was vetting them for a really specific guy, you know?

Ilya: And now all your hard work is wasted, very sad. Not everyone can be amazing gay hockey matchmaker like me.

JJ: ...you don't happen to know any anxious glasses-wearing second overall draft picks in need of a man, do you?

Ilya, queer hockey radar zooming in on Luca: show me your menu of gay men

[cottagehillsunset]

Ilya who, whenever Jurrasic Park or any sort of dinosaur movie is on, takes a picture of the TV and sends it to Scott Hunter with a "good game" or "did not kow you were playing tonight".

Scott just lets out a long sigh everytime and counts to ten in his head.

He ends up on the same flight to New York as Shane after an away game in Ottawa, with Scott going back home and Shane travelling for the launch of a new Rebook store in New York.

And Scott can't help but laugh when he sees what the in flight movie options are. At Shane's curious look he waves at the small tv screen and explains the bit Ilya has going on. And Shane, just for a second, gets this weird glint in his eyes before offering Scott one of his earbuds with a smile.

"Want to rewatch the game with me instead?", he asks, holding up his IPad. And, why the hell not, Scott thinks, there are worse things than reviewing their game with Shane (even though he doubts Shane will share any of his strategical thoughts with him).

So, Scott takes the earbud and settles into his seat. Only to be hit with the opening notes of Jurrasic Park five seconds in.

[marchingmoths]

thinking about the boston raiders spending years watching ilya flirt with models, actors, pop stars, and all sorts of Professionally Hot People. always at the top of his game, no matter how famous or supernaturally attractive they are. no one’s seen him so much as stutter when chatting up someone whose face looks perfect on a billboard and somehow better in real life.

then the raiders shoot a PSA for the boston library. it’s the first time ilya’s been in a library since he was a child. and he simply cannot handle the librarians. they spend an extra hour filming because ilya stutters whenever someone with glasses asks him a direct question. he misspells his own name while getting a library card when the man helping him rebuttons the top of his collared shirt. he tries to flirt with a woman reshelving books by asking her what the numbers on the spines mean and if he can get hers; she doesn't clock his pick-up line and explains the dewey decimal system to him for ten minutes. ilya blushes the entire time. 

marley tells this to shane years later and shane is like,,,that tracks and no i will not elaborate. but we own an industrial grade glasses cleaner because i couldn’t figure out how else to get cum out of the crevices.

[shanehollanderfreckles]

In order to understand Shane Hollander you have to understand he kept hooking up with Ilya BECAUSE he thought his feelings were not reciprocated. He kept it going specifically because he was sure he would not have to deal with actually being in a relationship with a guy which would require him to actually come to terms with his sexuality.

Its why the moment he realizes there is a chance his feelings are reciprocated on tuna melt day he flees.

[thewindmillisoutoforder]

one day a rookie is gonna flirt with yuna hollander not knowing who she is. her response will be "oh i'm flattered but you are young enough to be my son who, by the way, will KICK YOUR ASS in this next game." and during the game he will get slammed into the boards at approximately the speed of sound.