mommy to be

[pokemom2019]

so i know i’ve been MIA for a while, but i’ve been extremely busy. my daughter’s now 5 months old & there’s a lot going on with her. let me back up a little bit & explain.. when she was born she damaged some nerves in her right arm, which was a condition called erb’s palsy. she couldn’t really move it the first two days after she was born but then she started moving it fine so we thought everything was okay. but as time went on we started noticing little things here & there that made us question if that had affected her arm & stuff more than we originally thought. so she’s been going to an occupational therapist to work on it. she has trouble putting weight on it so they’re helping her to work on it to try to avoid it affecting any of her milestones. i’m a little skeptical about the things they’re doing to try to help, but hopefully we’ll see some improvement soon and it will all be worth it. other than that things with her are amazing because she’s amazing. i couldn’t have gotten a better baby, despite the issues she’s having it doesn’t make her any less perfect to me, which is exactly what she is.. perfect.

[pokemom2019]

so i haven’t posted since i was about 7 months pregnant. i got out of the mood for a while and then everything just got so busy that i forgot all about it. but i started this to be able to have something to look back on not only my pregnancy but also on my daughter’s life. so let me back up a little and fill you in on stuff that’s happened. towards the end of my pregnancy i found out i had gestational diabetes and started having to take a low dose of insulin. after dealing with that for a while i started having a few high blood pressure readings and then when i started having frequent bad headaches is when the doctors got a little concerned. i had to go to the hospital twice to get monitored before they decided to go ahead and induce me at 37 weeks. i went to the hospital on august 4th to be induced. they started me on pitocin and used the balloon thing to try to open up my cervix. the pitocin took forever to start working and i dilated very slowly. but i got an epidural as soon as i started feeling cramping so i never had very much pain. i pushed for about an hour and a half. my daughter wasn’t born until august 6th at 5:07am, she weighed 7lb 11oz & was 20in. long. she was perfect. she is perfect. she’s the prettiest baby i’ve ever seen, and i’m not just saying that cause she’s mine; she really is adorable. i never imagined i could love someone as much as i love her. i have a ton to write about her, but i’m gonna leave it at that for now and update some more later.

[pokemom2019]

haven’t posted in a while, just been feeling depressed & out of the mood. but things have been going pretty good. i had a doctors appointment to get an ultrasound on may 24th & baby’s heartbeat was 154 bpm and she weighed 2lb 2oz. she also had an echo done on her heart to make sure there were no problems there and everything checked out good. the nursery’s coming along good, it’s been painted, the closet’s been built, & the floor has been put down. the crib & the glider have also been put together. just a few more things to go.

[pokemom2019]

received my pharmacy tech license in the mail today so it’s officially active again. i went to the doctor today and everything went well. baby’s heartbeat was 148, which is really good. my blood pressure and everything were good too.

[pokemom2019]

i got a call about a job at a pharmacy today. they want me to come in for an interview monday at 2. i told them i am 6 months pregnant, but they still want me to come in, they said they don’t discriminate. now’s probably not the best time for me to get a job since i will only be able to work for a few months, plus i will also probably have alot of doctor appointments coming up so i’ll have to miss alot. and i know that i won’t want to go back to work anytime soon after she’s born so that won’t be good. i don’t know what i should do.

[pokemom2019]

so i’ve been feeling extremely tired lately and just in a depressed mood overall. today was a little better, but still not back to my usual self. baby has been moving around a lot more today. i drank a dr. pepper early today and she was moving a lot then and she’s kept it up fairly consistently throughout the day. hard to believe i’ll be 6 months in just a few days. i wish time would speed up because i’m so anxious for her to be here. i have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow so hope all goes well.

[pokemom2019]

when i first found out i was pregnant i was a little excited and happy, but mainly i was nervous, overwhelmed, scared, and definitely freaking out a little. knowing i was going to have to do this alone without a partner turned this experience a little sour, but i soon got over that and became very excited. it became my saving grace and was exactly what i needed to get my life back on track. i suspected it at first because i was very late in getting my period. i had came back to my family’s house because of this suspicion. i knew if this was the case then it wouldn’t be safe for me to stay with my ex because he had already proven several times that he was very capable and willing to hurt me. also he had admitted to me that he had hurt one of his previous girlfriends when she was pregnant so i knew i would have to worry about that nonstop as long as i was there and i just couldn’t risk that. so when i got to my family’s i told them i suspected this and my mom ended up getting me a pregnancy test. i took the first one on december 16 and it was very faint so i wasn’t sure if it was positive or not. i took one again the next day which was still faint, but not quite as much so i called and made a doctor appointment. so i went to my family doctor on december 19th and had a positive pregnancy test. my family was all a little shocked and none of them were too happy given the situation, but they have since all come around and are now very excited for me. my baby is going to be one spoiled little girl.

[pokemom2019]

i don’t know what determines my moods, but some days i don’t feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. and other days i try reaching out to old friends and just feel like i have to be talking to someone or doing something productive like making a list, or finding something to buy for the baby. i get so bored sitting in the house all the time, but i’m not able to work right now because by the time i got my license renewed i was already 5 months pregnant & nowhere would want to hire someone that’s only planning to work there for a few months. so i just help out at my family’s business occasionally. i need to find some hobbies or something before i drive myself crazy.

[pokemom2019]

went on another shopping trip today. found her a cute bouncer and some wall hangings for her nursery, a moon that says i love you to the moon & back and some cloud bookshelves. also couldn’t resist picking up a few more clothes, so cute!

[pokemom2019]

i know it’s a bad habit, but i love going to the casino. i’ve been there twice this week. the first night i ended up down $80, but last night i ended up being up $1300. i started out being very lucky, i got two full houses within a few hands of each other, once with A’s and 5′s and the other time with 2′s and 9′s. i also got several 2 pair, trips, and a straight. my favorite game is mississippi stud, i also play roulette and the slots some. the problem with table games is that the other people at the table always wanna talk and the latest subject has been about my pregnancy, which always gets off on the topic of the baby’s dad. where is he? what does he do? then when i say he’s not in the picture some people still want to keep asking questions like does he know? why isn’t he? i hate having to answer these questions especially to complete strangers, but it also gets me to thinking about how she’s going to ask me that one day when she’s older and i’m not looking forward to that conversation. i’m not completely sure how i’m going to handle this situation yet. of course you can’t share all the gruesome details with a child so i guess i’ll start out by saying he had some issues that caused him to not be able to care for a child & go into more detail with her whenever she’s old enough to understand. how do people explain this kind of stuff to their kids? 

[pokemom2019]

usually you’re supposed to feel flutters from the baby when you’re about 16-20 weeks and you can feel the first kicks anywhere from about 20-22 weeks. i started worrying when i got to the 22 week mark and still hadn’t really felt anything. sure i’d heard the heartbeat at my 20 week anatomy scan so i knew she was okay, but i was still anxious to feel her move. the night before last, on april 23, i felt her kick for the first time. i wasn’t sure that’s what it was at first, but i stayed really still and paid attention for a couple minutes after that then i felt it again. it felt just like a small little thump on the inside of my stomach. it was exciting and since then i’ve felt it a couple more times.

[pokemom2019]

so i said before that i kept in contact with my ex to some extent. well it was mostly just random emails here and there. i tried not to respond to most of them but sometimes i would get sucked into a conversation, which never ended well. they used to be nice, which you would think they would be because i’m not the one that ever did anything wrong in our relationship, but in his fictitious mind i have done all kinds of horrible things to him. so now out of nowhere he decides to tell me he hates me and i need to go away. go away? okay well i’ve already done that & it’s not like i message him unless it’s in response to him occasionally. and he hates me? why today? did i steal millions of dollars that he never actually had? did i sleep with everyone under the sun including his own family members? did i sneak and do drugs with someone? did i wire money from my nonexistent bank account that magically fills itself to people he knows in prison that i’m supposedly involved with? it was one crazy accusation after the other. i never knew what to expect to be accused of next so now those kind of messages don’t bother me as much because how do you get upset that someone hates you for something you really didn’t even do. i’ve just run out of energy caring about things that i can’t change, all i know is i never did any of that stuff so i just have to be at peace with myself that there’s obviously something wrong with him to make him think all these crazy things and i can’t fix him. 

[pokemom2019]

you never realize how much stuff such a tiny little person will need until you start thinking about all the things you need to take care of it. i haven’t ever been around too many babies so i wasn’t familiar with all of the things needed for one. consignment shops have become my favorite places to go because you can get the most adorable clothes there that have hardly ever been worn. they also have hardly used furniture items, but if you can afford to it is nice to start new with some things. i am 22 weeks pregnant and i’ve already gotten a good bit of stuff, but i still have a ways to go. 

so far i have bought:

tons and tons of clothes! including shoes, headbands, bows, hats, onesies, rompers, dresses, gowns, & sleepers

crib

dresser

glider

changing table & pad

portable changing pad

bumbo

rug for nursery

curtains for nursery

crib accessories: dust ruffle, & sheets

diaper pail

blankets (crib & swaddling)

diapers

a very cute pink rocking fox 

pacifiers

books, lots & lots of books!

decals for the nursery wall

name wall hanging for the nursery 

all that seems like a lot, but there are still many things i need, which i hope i will get at my baby shower in a few months, such as:

bottles

diaper bag

pack & play

owlette

stroller/car seat

bibs

bumbo cover

jumper

bouncer

baby toiletries

swing

sling 

baby scale

baskets for the closet (which is yet to be built)

so as you can see there is A LOT of stuff that a baby needs. if i had stayed in the dangerous environment i had previously been in, i wouldn’t have been able to afford any of this stuff. but thanks to my family (and my casino winnings lol) i have been very fortunate.

[pokemom2019]

i’ll start off with telling yall a little something about me. i’m 27 years old, single, and pregnant. to most people this would be a nightmare, but for me it was a blessing. i was in an extremely abusive relationship, mentally, emotionally, and physically. for some reason i kept forgiving him and chose to try to see the good in him. but there was more going on there than i could handle whether it was mental illness or drug abuse, or a combination of the the two, i will never know, but it was more than i could handle. when i found out i was pregnant, it was like a wake up call. as an adult, i made the choice to be in that dangerous environment, but my innocent, unborn baby did not. so i packed up my things and i left. thankfully i have a supportive family that’s been there for me and is helping me in every way they can. my life’s good now, i’m living in a safe space with a supportive, loving family, but day to day life is still hard for me. i have stayed in contact with my ex to a certain extent and every time i give in and read messages he’s sent or get sucked into a conversation with him, i start over with my overthinking and self doubt and it just drains the life out of me. i know it would be best to cut ties completely, but i feel like this baby has connected us in a way that is hard to let go of. i feel that with time i’ll be able to move forward and do what’s best for me & my baby. i’m just recently coming to accept that i have to start a new chapter in my life. i’m going to have to turn the page and not look back.