Pondering my identity

I started this blog as an outlet for my thoughts while trying to figure out gender issues. Now that I've really accepted the (admittedly fairly obvious) truth that I'm a trans woman, it's more about transition and general life stuff.

[ponderingotter]

Out of denial for four years now, as of today. Go me! Woo! 😁

[ponderingotter]

Me: I should really lose some weight, because I want to get back into running long distances!

Also me: *bakes 5 kinds of cookies in 2 weeks*

[yourresidentginger]

my anxiety has a loophole that if somebody is else is equally or more uncomfortable I develop the sudden ability to Do The Thing

[castielsteenwolf]

i cant go and ask for more ketchup for myself but if my friend wants more ketchup im out of my seat in a second

[thehotgirlproject]

The mom friend override

[ponderingotter]

I dunno... Does this work?

[dreamyfreakout]

Running a tabletop game.

More comics on Patreon ! Only one supporter away from our goal!

[ponderingotter]

I don’t know what this is like at all... nope... totally unfamiliar... 

[ponderingotter]

Injections!

Starting on estrogen injections next week. We'll see if that helps my boobs grow since apparently oral estrogen didn't help much.

[spaceandtimegifs]

[ponderingotter]

I’m considering making both kids their own custom notebooks (like, physical books, with paper) for Christmas and I can’t tell if that’s a great idea or a terrible idea.

[officialrung-deactivated2020010]

new ask game send me a 🌻 and ill just tell you whatever the fuck i want

[ponderingotter]

Back at work

Just a quickie update... I’m back at work, but working from home this week and next. It’s been nice to feel like I’m doing something useful for a change! The recovery at home gets really, really boring. So boring. OH MY GOD SO BORING. But now I can get out and do stuff! w00t!

Healing continues to go really well. I’m basically back to normal activities (except that I try not to sit upright if I can avoid it) and normal energy levels... No real sensation yet, so I’m hoping those nerves start reconnecting soon, but for now it’s fine.

[ponderingotter]

I survived surgery!

I was reminded that I hadn't posted an update to let y'all know how surgery went... Short answer is: it went well, and I now have a vagina. 😊

Surgery was October 22nd, and just over two weeks later I'm doing things like driving to my daughter's school to pick her up at the end of the day, walking over to the local Walmart, etc. I'm moving slowly, and things do still hurt, and sitting upright gets painful quickly (I'm spending a lot of time in my recliner!) but overall I'm doing pretty well.

The dilation schedule is pretty extreme... When I was looking at it ahead of time I thought 4x per day would eat a lot of my day, but honestly, I had no idea. Each session takes an hour or more by the time setup and cleanup is taken into account, and you've got almost no time in between to actually do stuff - if you even have the energy to do anything anyway!

The experience in Montreal was mostly amazing. I really liked the other trans folks I met there (mostly women but a few guys too) and the nurses and doctors obviously really care. The one hiccup was that they took my medications away when I went into the hospital so they could control what I was taking - which makes sense, I'm not complaining about that part - but forgot to get the doctor to authorise my Ativan, so when I started having a panic attack the one night, they couldn't give me anything for it for over an hour, by which point some real damage had been done. The marks on my arm are almost gone now though. 😕 If you're looking at the same kind of surgery down the road, I'd recommend that for medication like that, give it in to them but keep a little bit aside so if they fuck up you're not stuck with a massive panic attack and no way to control it... Hopefully nobody else ever has that issue, but damn did that suck.

Anyway... Not sure what else there is to say. Just healing and doing aftercare for the next while. Someday I may do something fun again... 😉

[ponderingotter]

Surgery

Yeah, that surgery. A week from tomorrow. 😁

I haven't posted about it much because I haven't been here. But my brain's really starting to recover and I'm now trying to catch up on all the stuff I dropped over the last six+ months. So you might hear more from me for the next while.

Anyway, I'm all set to go. I've got everything sorted out at work, I've got my house under control, basically I'm ready to rock and roll. Waiting this last week is going to suck.

Also, after being on HRT for about 21 months, going off hormones (a temporary requirement for surgery) is quite the eye-opening experience... Holy shit, testosterone is hell for me y'all. Just sayin'.

[ponderingotter]

Hey, it me! (From 3 days ago, because today I look even more tired and pasty.)

[transisbeautiful]

You think 37 is to late in life to become a beautiful woman?

It’s never too late

[ponderingotter]

I didn’t start truly transitioning til I was 40. At almost 42, I’ve been told I’m beautiful by people who have no idea I’m trans. My girlfriend started at 46, my ex started at 49, I have a friend who was in her 80s. It’s never too late. I promise.

[ponderingotter]

Overdue update time

So, yeah, been a few things happen since the last time I was here...

First, I started Zoloft back in May, and at first I thought it was helping but then I started being suicidal every second or third day. So the Zoloft is gone. (After discussing with my doctor, before anyone lectures me.) Now I'm back to very rarely being suicidal, and even the few bits I still get are much less intense. I've even stopped with the self harm!

I broke up with the girl I'd been dating. She's fucking amazing and I love her and I would love to have a lifetime with her... But even aside from the Zoloft, I'm really not healthy. I'm just not capable of handling any remotely intense relationship right now, even with someone as wonderful and patient and understanding as she is. So that sucks (and not in a good way) but sometimes that's life. We're still really close friends, and I doubt I'm ever going to stop loving her.

And I have surgery coming up in 4 weeks. Can't fucking wait.

[renardeferoce]

Oh. Does it count less when a trans woman says it?

Moreso that I feel trans women are biased towards other trans women. Always being like super positive towards each other kinda skews ones perception of oneself. It’s pretty jarring to have all these positive comments from the trans community and then go out in the real world and get misgendered and constantly reminded that the world actually thinks I look like a man and not the beautiful woman that trans women act like.

[bleeeky]

But when trans women compliment each other it’s genuine. I don’t think trans women are lying when they tell you that you are beautiful. Instead, trans women simply see the beauty in you that the rest of society has a hard time seeing. Society has biased perceptions of trans woman and are automatically programmed to think certain things. Trans women can look passed those biases and see the true beauty that trans women possess. And it is breathtaking!

[renardeferoce]

I’m not saying that tabs women aren’t beautiful. I just want to be “traditionally” beautiful. I wish that cis people found me attractive too. Being told I’m gorgeous by a few and then disgusting by the vast majority makes me believe the latter more.

[bleeeky]

I understand, but it’s sad. It’s sad that so many trans womem can’t see how truly beautiful they are.

[ponderingotter]

I have a small number of cis friends who truly see trans folks as the gender we are. I get the exact same kind of compliments from them as from trans folks. They’re not biased towards seeing trans people as beautiful - they’re not trans themselves, and they’re all in relationships with other cis folks, and none of them have any trans relatives (that they know of). They just don’t have the biases AGAINST seeing us as beautiful.

So yeah, go ahead and believe trans folks. We’re not lying. It’s the rest of society that has really distorted vision.

[ponderingotter]

Yup, still stupidly in love with this girl. ❤️