I wake up in a world where no one knows me and no one tries. I run behind her, I try to spell each word and when I make a mistake, she turns and I start running again.
I lay awake at night searching through the entirety of my being for my next strategy. the mere possibility that you exist? I am tired. I am on my own and I am tired.
I settle for praise and validation and i bite my tongue. I am on my own and I am okay. I bite my tongue. I look at my father. I bite my tongue. I adapt to this world in which I am invisible.
i lay awake at night and try not to vomit. I watch the light from the sun, my hands reach for the moon, homesick as always.
I knew when I was smiling throughout the night that I would try my best to not let you know that i was scared of looking up at you, like you were my cathedral, that you were my altar.
I knew when your lips touched mine, that i would scratch your name into my heart till it was hollow, till there was nothing but black holes left if it meant it would leave traces of you behind.
I knew when I kissed your cheek, that i was completely and utterly unravelled. that i would revolt against this theft. that my own self would imprison me as it followed you, who will never know the extent of your dominion on me.
I knew when you held me that I wasn't invisible anymore. you looked into me and knew. the pathetic need to be loved. the words I had to swallow. the tongue, necrotic.
i laid awake that night and i let myself speak. the light from your bathroom, your face in my hands. I had so much to say and you waited.
you knew me so well that you just had to wait. you just had to look at me and search for it.
