Steve Vomits His Feelings

***Created 13% of all dick pics***

[pooonyou2]

[30rockasaurus]

The first two lines of 30 Rock.

[pooonyou2]

LOST

A man can be lost in many different ways. Spiritually, Sexually, Literally... What happens if they all happen at the same time?

[butmyopinionisright]

I’ve been meaning to post something about The Big Bang Theory for a while now but it’s taken me ‘till now to really understand what it is about the show that makes me uncomfortable. I’m not exactly a believer in the whole “only write about the things you like, don’t...

[popculturebrain]

Did Burger King Rip Off Billy Eichner's 'Billy On The Street'? | Uproxx

[whatnot]

[the-velveteen-buneary-deactivat]

THIS VINE IS ICONIC

[overwhelm3d-deactivated20200430]

[vodkavodkabear-deactivated20140]

i will reblog this for the rest of my life.

[bpdumped]

omg i cant

[teenagescvm]

What… I just cant

[godsgirljosie]

Hahaha

[pooonyou2]

This person really loves dinner

[pooonyou2]

Psyched for CommuniCon! Come find me for a Leonard ribbon for your badge

[newyorker]

"Life is a movie and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending."

Joan Rivers, speaking in 1995. (via newyorker)

[pooonyou2]

6 Situations When Tear Gas is Acceptable (According to the Police)

Recent events in Ferguson have brought to light the police’s fascination with crowd control. The police are currently stronger than they’ve ever been in our countries history due to they’re accumulation of retired military memorabilia. This acquired wealth has called into question how we as civilians are supposed to view those protecting us. Obviously we all feel protected. That isn’t really up for debate. I don’t think any normal person would feel unsafe knowing the people in charge of our protection, are so well protected. However, do you ever wonder exactly when police officers are allowed to protect and serve themselves? Here is a quick list of 6 situations when police officers not only have the right, but is their civic duty, to bust out Tear Gas. If you ever find yourself around any of these scenarios be sure to extract yourself from them, go back home silently and quietly to await further instructions. The police have everything under control.

Tear Gas happens to be one of the police’s favorite and easiest methods for accomplishing their job. Plus it’s also the most fun. Essentially, all tear gas does is make you cry. You cry so hard that it give police the time to handcuff you. Totally no lethal, totally effective. Just like rubber bullets.

During Peaceful Protests – Whenever the general public disagrees with us. If they decide to voice their opinions with signs, from sidewalks or past 10pm (their bedtime) then forcibly remove them from the situation. If poor people or minorities attempt to express themselves then it is our duty to repress them immediately. Everyone should be acting exactly like a middle-class white person at all times.

Non-Violent Crimes – Tax Fraud? Unpaid Parking Tickets? CRIMINALS. If you’re breaking the law, laws we all agreed on, voted on and must abide by without question, then you should expect tear gas at every corner. In case you’re not aware: Dissent is ILLEGAL. If they’re not guilty of anything then they have nothing to hide.

Traffic Stops – Driving correctly is crucial to everyone’s safety. Although tear gas may not be the most frequently used method for stopping these perpetrators (usually a firm thrashing will suffice as opposed to nerve gas exposure) if the driver doesn’t pull over you can expect a cop car to drive near the speeding car and launch tear gas into the offenders window. Safety is key.

While consuming Nicholas Sparks Entertainment – All of his books are designed to emit tears. Occasionally people without emotions cannot cry during these moments. A couple canisters of Tear gas in a movie theater will cause the proper emotional response to one of America’s greatest writers of our generation.

Drug Raids – There is no greater threat to American freedom and civil liberties then drugs. As such, anytime you are going into a meth den or marijuana factory, always shoot tear gas in first and ask questions later. These criminals are out of control because of the drugs in their systems and they could potentially attack you at any given moment. Drugs cause temporary invincibility in civilians and normal artillery may not be enough.

Actual Riots – When people begin destroying a town and the police have no other options to prevent property damage, mass chaos and physical harm to others. Note: At this point; live ammunition is more acceptable.

Just to be clear; the police are allowed to use tear gas WHENEVER THEY FEEL LIKE IT. Not just in these specific scenarios. Basically, in order to avoid tear gas, avoid challenging police. Never disagree with them, always do exactly what they say and your life will be perfect.

[pooonyou2]

VINCE MCMAHON TO START ‘X-TREME LEAGUE BASEBALL’, CITES MLB AS ‘BORING’

Vince McMahon, the purveyor of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), has announced his plan to create an ‘X-treme Baseball League (XLB) is several cities around the United States. McMahon is well known for packaging professional wrestling and soap operas together under the mantra of ‘Sports Entertainment’ and desires a more literal definition in a separate market venture. By combining a real sport and entertainment, Vince McMahon actually has a lot of support behind this recent idea.

If this is starting to sound familiar, know that it should. In the early 2000’s McMahon started the XFL, an entertainment based football league. McMahon brought the gravitas to the sport but it never fully caught on, with the league folding after one season. Those close to McMahon suggest he knows the fatal flaw behind the XFL: People already loved real NFL football.

Enter the XLB. Sources close to McMahon know he finds Baseball ‘dull’ and ‘boring’. His analysis isn’t unfounded. The MLB currently ranks 3rd behind the NFL and NBA in terms of popularity among the Big Four sports in the United States. America’s Pastime has seen better days. McMahon plans to inject some life into a dwindling sport.

From my perspective, it isn’t a bad idea. At least not as bad as an entire network devoted to pro wrestling.

The last time the MLB excited viewers was during the Home Run race between Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire over 20 years ago. After the steroid debacle a decade later people’s faith in Baseball was shattered. That’s why McMahon will design the league to be much more open with the fans. They will hold yearly ‘Fantasy Drafts’ with every player on a roster at the end of the prior season. Fans will be a part of the process, voting for which player goes to which team, causing Owners and General Managers to be a thing of the past.Teams will be named after countries instead of cities trying to capitalize on the FIFA trend of national pride.

Those aren’t the biggest changes either. While legally, drug tests have to be given to players randomly, failing one only depends on what drug you failed for. Obviously the league cares about its players and doesn’t want meth addicts running the bases. Steroids however, are permitted under an early draft of the rules.

The rules do need to be fleshed out a bit more. From an early draft I’ve received, written in colored pencil on a Marriot cocktail napkin, it appears baserunners are allowed full contact with all basemen. Some other general differences include: 6 bases instead of the traditional 4 (multiple people can be on the same base at the same time), each stadium has a maximum home run distance of 200 yards (which leads to much higher scoring games), and even mascot games to determine homefield advantage in the ‘Universe Series’ (which is a pay-per-view event).

McMahon will become the dictator of his own sports league. He has experience running his own sports entertainment industry and can very easily bring his knowledge to the realm of sports. Perhaps he can make baseball more exciting and reinvigorate interest into the dying sport.

[gamechangershow]

This HR dept doesn’t negotiate with Terrorists.

Finish reading This Is The Most Passive-Agressive Office Note Battle We’ve Ever Seen

[emilyvgordon-deactivated2019090]

Hi Emily. Long-time reader, first-time asker. My sister's marriage of nine years has just come to an end and she's miserable. To the best of my ability, I've been trying to give her honest channels to express herself, but at what point is letting her relive her frustration enabling her to run through self-destructive programs? And when am I allowed to say her depression is bumming me out? Thank you sincerely.

You are never allowed to tell someone you care about that their depression is bumming you out. Depression is a selfish disease, and depressed people can be bummers to be around, but it’s her depression that’s bumming you out, not her. Band together with her against her depression, rather than telling her she’s bumming you out. 

Also, just so you know, depression is an abnormal response to normal situations. Going through a marriage dissolution is an abnormal situation, and being depressed about it is normal. It’s a normal, natural response to something extremely traumatic. Depression is only diagnosed after separations if at least five or six months have passed. That’s how seriously the mental health field takes divorce. 

Encourage your sister to see a therapist, if she isn’t already, especially if she seems to be stuck in the same area of processing her divorce. A therapist can help kick her out of the mud she’s in, moreso than telling her she’s bumming you out. She will be self-destructive for a bit, she might get a bit slutty, and she might just be a total downer for a while. 

Your job is to be supportive and tell her about all the fun shit you’re going to do once she’s processed all this and gotten the hang of it. Remind her to hope. 

[cannabisexual]

So I was writing a small paper in Microsoft Word and the program suddenly crashed (I saved a couple minutes before, thank god) and I get this message in the corner of my screen two seconds afterward

what the fuck

[pooonyou2]

15% of LinkedIn users are Pirates

A recent study has shown that an upwards of 15% of LinkedIn profiles are currently being used by pirates as an active recruitment tool. By pirates we don’t mean good people download music illegally, we mean the swashbuckling, peg legged type of pirates. The website has become popular overseas in recent months specifically because of one of LinkedIn’s features.

Pirates tend to be an untrustworthy bunch. They tend to only look after themselves, pretend to be friends with others, and double-cross anyone strictly for monetary gain (sound familiar Wall St?!). However, this method of living has shortened the life spans of many pirates. People are now much less willing to attempt boat theft if the person standing next to them is seconds away from murder.

Enter LinkedIn. LinkedIn is a networking website where business professionals meet and show off their skills to a widening group of associates. Similar to Facebook, but the people you remain in contact with are not your friends, they’re simply people who could help you get a leg up in a career. LinkedIn features a wide array of capabilities that allow you to connect and use other people, however you need to, at any given time.

One of LinkedIn’s capabilities is the idea that you can back certain people’s traits. If you believe your accountant did a good job on you taxes, you can ‘endorse’ them for their tax skills. Believe someone is really good at “Microsoft Word’? Endorse them so others are aware! Pirates not only were able to find Wi-Fi on the high seas, but also found a great use for this endorsement system.

Many Pirates have decided to use LinkedIn to determine one anothers ‘Trustworthiness’, ‘Boating Experience’ and ‘Assault Weapons’ skill. Pirates have been able connect with others around the globe in an effort to bring together the many freelance pirates looking for permanent work. These ‘super gangs’ of Pirates are having great success off the coast of Africa, even taking captive one of Tom Hanks’ containment barges holding all of the actors various awards and accolades he has amassed over the years.

“Pirates have never had this method of social interaction before” a scholar from Columbia tells us. “By being able to endorse one anothers skills they’ve been able to weed out the less honorable and work collectively to achieve maximum profit… It really is quite amazing”. Pirate activity has increased by over 61% over the past year while unemployment in the region is down 60%. Most analysts agree LinkedIn is behind the fluctuation.

LinkedIn PR couldn’t be reached for comment despite having over 1,000 endorsements for ‘Getting Back to the Media’. As of right now, they have not mentioned the correlation to the public or if they believe they should fix the issue. After attempting to contact several Pirates none returned my messages via LinkedIn. However, one pirate did endorse my ‘Internet Research’ skill.

[pooonyou2]

NBC Greenlights Last Comic-Con Standing Reality Show

Have you ever wanted to go a Comic-Con, maybe to see a Marvel panel or get The Green Power Rangers Autograph, but never knew which one to attend? The suits at NBC seem to have been asking themselves this question for years. Finally, they’ve created a TV show for their fellow nerds to decide which Con they should be attending, as well as which one is simply the best overall. The show will be filming over the next year with a release date scheduled as TBD.

Last Comic-Con Standing is a reality competition with the ultimate goal of deciding which Comic-Con is the greatest. Season 1 will include 10 different Cons which will compete in a multitude of areas to determine a winner. NBC has admitted they’d like to add more Cons in future seasons. They’ve pulled out all the stops enlisted professional “Con-Artists” Randy St. Thomas, Brittany “The Purple Unicorn” Rodriguez and Damien De Luca to be the expert judges. Confirmed guest judges include Felicia Day and Nathan Fillion as they will be in attendance at each Con regardless.

Although not all of the specifics have been released, here are a few categories that judges will be grading the Cons on: Cosplay, Panel Variety, Line Length and Wait Time*, BO levels, Amount of Doctor Who Swag, and Sexual Harassment. The Cosplay category suggests average Con goers can impact a specific Con’s rating so be sure to be in full force while attending your favorite Con this year.

NBC’s head of media has been pushing for this contest since he was hired. A self-described “Time-Vulcan”, he believes even non-Con goers will be equally enthralled by the competition.

“There’s always a chance a boob could slip out of one of those costumes. On that premise alone I could get a 4.0 in the 18 to 25 demo. And you can print that”

During the interview, it was mentioned the contest would feel similar to another of NBC’s top rated programs. Each judge will grade the Comic Con as the final panel of the weekend, in front of a live audience. They will issue a grade of 1-10, and reveal their numerical evaluation by spinning around in a large, red, rotating chair.

“People. Love. Chairs.”

If this season goes according to plan, NBC will renew this series for another 8 years, expanding the amount of Con’s participating in each subsequent season.No word yet on how winning Conventions will play a part in future seasons.A follow up interview to ask such a question was denied by NBC.

Here’s a list of the 10 Con’s competing this year: San Diego Comic Con (SDCC), New York Comic Con (NYCC), Chicago Comic Con (CCC), Anchorage Comic Con (ACC),Pyongyang Comics Con** (PCC), Klarsfield Komic-Kon (KKK), Dubai More Comics (Translation), Iowa Comic Cornvention (ICC), London’s Otherworld Convention, Jamboree And Wafer Expo (LOCJAW) and comiCs (C***).

* Note Line Length and Wait Time is described by the phrase “The longer the better”

** Hosted By Dennis Rodman

*** comiCs is an online Comic-Con hosted by Felicia Day and Nathan Fillion