Porti’s Pocket

A random vent account for a tired and disabled college student

[portitheportfolio]

Uh hi, nice to be here I guess

I’m Porti (Port-E), and I’m just a random college student being dramatic and sad on tumblr

I use they/them, please respect that. Literally just hear to vent and be sad, yes I know that’s not healthy, yes I’m getting help :) I just wanna be moody for shigs and shiggles.

[aidashakur]

[velvetvexations]

[homunculus-argument]

Nothing gives the same kind of random ego boost like managing to finally clean up your home and making it nice. Like ooh look at me, I'm living like people do, I made myself iced tea and I am eating my snack from a real plate. I got floors and shit.

[juney-blues]

heartbreaking:

girl has sooooooo many ambitions and ideas for projects but can only get 1.5 basic tasks done per day

[itsnickha]

[portitheportfolio]

Screaming into the void and wrapping my hands around focus with a vice grip

[marcusbrutus]

the worst part about ocd and ocd-like tendencies is that you think hyper-analyzing your thoughts and constantly psychoanalyzing yourself will fix you but that's actually part of the disorder. it's the disorder. disordering.

[icaruspendragon]

lemme tell ya fellas, having a mental illness that is heavily stigmatized and dangerously misrepresented in media sure is hard sometimes.

random strangers on the internet will be like, “i’m so ocd! i just can’t stand it when things get messy!”

so cool! but i think the word you’re looking for is actually “organized.”

because then i’ll get on the internet and be like, “i’ve had ocd episodes so bad i considered seeking inpatient treatment.”

and then a random stranger online will say, “if you say you have ocd, then why is your space so cluttered and disorganized?”

and to the random stranger i say, “the clutter exists because my object permanence skills are ass. and besides, there are lots of different types of ocd, the kind you see on tv isn’t the only kind.”

and then i will be asked, “how do you have ocd, then?”

to which i reply, “it’s an anxiety disorder that makes me have lots of awful and disturbing and upsetting intrusive thoughts, mainly centering around death and dying (amongst other things). like i had an episode in the past two years or so that stopped me from being able to drive anywhere.

i couldn’t drive bc i was convinced i was going to be involved in a car accident and be completely fine whereas the other driver would be terribly injured and i wouldn’t be able to help them and instead i’d just have to stand there on the side of the road watching them bleed out in a ditch.

because for me. that’s the obsessive part of the disorder. my brain conjures an upsetting intrusive thought that i very much don’t want to think about, which means all i can do is think about it. and i know i can’t make something happen by thinking about it too much, but also i can girl boss #manifest a fatal accident.

there was episode where i didn’t leave my house for weeks because i was convinced my presence in the general public would cause a mass casualty event and i’d be helpless while being forced to watch people die and it’d be all my fault because i thought it into existence.

so yeah my desk may be messy, but to be fair, i am constantly plagued by thoughts of death and try to cope with it by coming up with every single contingency plan and then some. that way i can be prepared to help the victim of the accident i’ve caused by existing.

another quirky fun non-cleaning my bathroom symptom of my disorder is picking at the skin on my head to the point it’s covered in sores and bald spots. bc body focused repetitive behavior self grooming habits are the self soothing technique my brain picked. so i don’t even notice i’m doing until someone smacks my hand away from my head or i need to use my right hand for something and see my fingers have blood on them.

the bfrb is a manifestation of anxiety, not self harm. but i am so self conscious and embarrassed by it that i stopped getting my hair done for like a year because i didn’t want anyone to see the 15 plus sores i have on my head at any given time.

so yeah. a dirty countertop “bothering your ocd” must be incredibly difficult for you to manage. i’ll be sure to ask you for advice the next time i go across an intersection with my eyes glued to my speedometer because if i don’t look at the road i can’t make a car appear out of nowhere to t-bone me, subsequently forcing me to watch someone die.”

[indecisiveavocado]

ocd doesn't typically look like "oh no a dirty countertop MUST CLEAN NOW".

it looks like someone maybe possibly touching a dead bird and repetitively washing their hands because what if they didn't get it all off?? what if? and then feeling guilty because like they can't get themselves to do basic self care but this they can do??

it looks like needing to cut something for cooking, or just clean a knife and all you can think of is stabbing someone in the eye with it and the blood the blood the blood

it looks like glancing at a book title and all you can see is someone's foot and it's like it's in high heels but it's not, the high heel is stabbing it and you can see the blood (real thing. that one went away when i learned what thistles looked like. so that was nice.)

it looks like picking at your skin. it looks like looking over an edge and thinking about falling, falling, what if you pushed yourself over the ledge? (it looks like not being sure if you're suicidal or if you're just having intrusive thoughts about being suicidal). it looks like someone saying something that's giving you intrusive thoughts but you shouldn't say anything it's not their fault you have them you can't expect them to not talk about that kind of thing and then getting it stuck in your head.

it looks like tears and vague memories of throwing a soap bottle at your mom when you were like five. it looks like a sign in the bathroom when you were a kid reminding you that you don't always need to wash your hands.

it also looks like other things, too, i'm sure. there's no one type of ocd. OP's post resonated deeply. i don't get intrusive thoughts around driving, primarily because thus far I have managed to avoid needing to learn how to drive. ocd is different for different people. my mother has it around bridges. backyard swimming pools (when my parents were buying a house they ruled out houses like that because her brain Could Not Handle It). things that you wouldn't really think of as triggering, necessarily.

but no, ocd is not "not liking a dirty counter".

[somesecretpie]

Greetings bugs and worms!

This comic is a little different than what I usually do but I worked real hard on it—Maybe I'll make more infographic stuff in the future this ended up being fun. Hope you learned something new :)

If you are still curious and want to learn more about OCD, you can visit the International OCD Foundation's website. I also recommend this amazing TED ED video "Starving The Monster", which was my first introduction to the disorder and this video by John Green about his own experience with OCD.

The IOCDF's website can also help you find support groups, therapy, and has lots of online guides and resources as well if you or a loved one is struggling with the disorder. It is very comprehensive!

Reblog to teach your followers about OCD

(But also not reblogging doesn't make you evil, silly goose)