Thoughts On Self Injury [Trigger Warning] | Freewrite
TRIGGER WARNING: Self Injury methods discussed.
My first instance of self injury was probably in Freshman or Sophomore year in high school. My Depression/Anxiety was full blown, but I was still a couple years from active treatment.
I don’t recall what had upset me at the time, but I remember the feeling… My jaw was extremely tense and my head was swimming. I couldn’t think straight, I could barely see straight. Looking back, perhaps I was having some sort of panic attack - later my doctors would determine that Anxiety triggers my Depression.
But I was at school- sitting, surrounded by people- and couldn’t (I thought) leave. Would my legs have worked anyway? My whole body, but especially my jaw, tense and ready to burst, my mind completely unable to focus on one though or any happy ones, I did the only thing I could think to do- I clamped my teeth down on my hand and bit as hard as I could. The tension eased now that energy had somewhere to go, and the pain triggered a short burst of euphoria, those endorphins I already knew about.
I’ve struggled with self-injury for many years, and though I haven’t actively injured in about 3 years, the urge still comes and I still find myself falling into SI-esque habits.
SI is not always cutting, and for me it wasn’t always biting. It can be anything from scratching or burning to non-lethal overdoses. And it’s not always the same triggers it initial feelings, but they’re usually pretty similar, at least for me.
I think even scarier than realizing you have this problem is telling someone else about it. When I first started, a dear friend of mine was also struggling with SI- I could talk to him no problem. What was terrifying was telling my boyfriend of (at the time) 6 years that I had before and had started again. We had talked about my Depression before, but I hadn’t talked about it lately, though I was in one of my darkest periods, and I had never talked with him about self injury. I was deathly afraid to tell him, and though some of my fears were founded, the worst was not- he is still here, loving and supporting me.
People self injure for a lot of different reasons, and so did I. Sometimes it would be to relieve a built up anxious tension. I used it to bring my focus back to the present. Maybe I was mad at myself. Usually I was upset about something I couldn’t control. And often times it was to either get that pain-high, or a desperate attempt to just feel something, anything at all.
I did my best to hide or lie about cuts and bruises, but not everyone does. Some home someone will see, so that maybe someone would finally, really ask “Are you okay?”
I urge anyone whose lives one self injures… Remember that they are the same person they were before you knew. It’s terrifying to come out about self-injury, even more so than Depression itself. Don’t lambast them for hurting themselves, and don’t give them an ultimatum, that they HAVE to stop self injuring. Both of these can just force a sense of shame on them, pushing them away from you and away from recovery. They need your love and support to overcome this.
I urge anyone who is struggling with self injury to remember that you are not a bad person. You are hurting and you are struggling, and that’s okay, the only thing not okay is to just let it be. You CAN recover, you CAN get better. It will be hard, it may be scary, but it will be worth it.
You can start with safer alternatives, like drawing on yourself or squeezing and ice cube: there’re more ideas here.
There are also in- and out-patient treatments available if you need, or want, additional help.
You are loved. You can do this.
I’m not a doctor or a therapist, just a friend who wants to help…
If you’re struggling and need immediate help, text “START” to 741-741, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or if you feel unsafe just dial 911.
You can do this - there is help.
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