Why is saying I love you so complicated... why can't Sirius do it... why... why... why... was the word that kept turning in Remus's mind after his encounter with Manon Wondercrift. You already don't like her... you're right... let's take a brief jump back in time and go back a few hours earlier in the library...
Manon Wondercrift was a 16-year-old Ravenclaw. You might be wondering why she is in Ravenclaw, a cunning and sly girl like her? Because despite her undeniable characteristics, Manon was clever and incredibly intelligent. Yes, she knew where to press to hurt, she knew where to press to achieve her goals... despite her surely black shell, she had a heart... a heart that entirely belonged to Remus... Remus Lupin. She had been crazy about him since their first year. They were in the same class, and the moment she met his gaze, she fell under the spell of our handsome wolf...
But Manon had a problem. Her problem was named Sirius Black. Sirius and Remus had been a couple for 2 years, and although she knew "everything" about Remus, she was ignorant about many things regarding Sirius... Unfortunately for her, Remus seemed to be in love with him... Only that morning she woke up with a genius idea, yes, a GENIUS idea. As a girl in love, she had... stalked Remus... no... yes, totally... she had spent every minute of her free time watching Remus, so, watching his pretty little couple... and if there was one thing she was sure of about Sirius, it was that he had never said "I love you" to his boyfriend, and that's where she came in!
She knew that Remus had low self-esteem and that his best friends often had to remind him that he deserved his place here, even though she never understood why he was like that, she knew that this was her strength and that this was the weakness of the one who made her heart beat...
There it was! Remus was alone! As often in the library, while he was quietly reading his Transfiguration lesson, she went to approach him.
Manon: Hi Remus... she said, batting her eyelashes.
Remus, out of his usual kindness, looked at her and replied.
Manon: Yes, that's right, nice to meet you!
Manon stood there staring at him, and Remus hated that even from Sirius, it made him uncomfortable. He added.
Remus: Did you want something in particular? he said, smiling.
Manon: Oh... uh, yes actually... I'm not sure how to approach this... you might find it intrusive.
Remus: Go ahead, don't be afraid... I won't bite you! he frowned at his own words.
Manon: No... well, yes of course, she said, laughing way too loudly to be natural.
Manon: So... I noticed that... well... you're with Sirius...
Remus laughed: Yes! So far, I think the whole castle knows!
Manon: Actually... I noticed... that... he never... well... he never told you "I love you."
Remus, surprised by this invasion of his private life, frowned.
Remus: Yes, I know... but Sirius doesn't need to say it... I know it...
Manon: Yes, I can imagine... but... what if... you're just imagining things... what if... well... he didn't love you... and that's why he never said it...
He didn't love you... he didn't love you... these few words completely disrupted Remus's rosy life... turning his head from the pink period to the blue period...
Manon, proud of the impact her words had, left, proud of herself, a mischievous smile on her lips.
Remus, overwhelmed, wandered the corridors of the castle for a while without really knowing where he was going... and what if Manon was right? He had to clear things up... he climbed to the Gryffindor tower. Arriving in the common room, he saw James, Lily, and Peter chatting.
Lily: Hi Rem! she said with a bright smile on her lips.
Remus: Hi... he said, his thoughts still directed towards the same person.
Lily immediately saw that something was wrong with her best friend, just like James and Peter.
James: Rem... are you sure you're okay?
Remus: I... yes, yes, he said in a small voice.
Remus: Have you seen Sirius?
James: Yes... he's upstairs... he looked for you for an hour, then, as surprising as it may seem, he decided to do his Transfiguration homework! he said to lighten the mood.
Remus smiled at that. It was true that his boyfriend and best friend had never been a great worker. He always got good grades without studying and often even without cheating.
Remus climbed up to see Sirius. He entered their dormitory, bathed in the rosy and orange light of the setting sun. He turned and saw Sirius almost lying on his homework, stretched out on his bed, strands of hair hiding his handsome face and his piercing grey eyes. He was still in their uniform but had removed his sweater and tie, which were carelessly lying on a chair. His shoes were on the floor near the door. He had rolled up his shirt sleeves and unbuttoned two buttons, revealing the top of his chest.
Sirius looked up and saw Remus.
Sirius: Moony! You scared me! I looked for you for an hour, and then I checked the map and saw you were in the library, so I left you to work, he said, smiling.
Remus sat next to him, wondering how he was going to bring up the subject that had been bothering him since that afternoon.
Remus: Siri... can I ask you a question?
Sirius: Yes, of course! Go ahead, I'm listening.
Remus took a deep breath and said.
Remus: Do you... love me... it's just that... we've been together for two years, and I've said it to you, but you... do you feel the same... love with a capital L...
Sirius lowered his head, the words getting stuck in his throat, the images jostling in his head, and his heart tightening.
Remus sighed... he should have known... why. Sirius, the most incredible guy the world has ever known, would love him...
Remus: I see... he stood up, his face void of any emotions.
Sirius held him by the arm as he also stood up.
Sirius: You see what... Rem...?
Remus: I see that for two years I've been imagining things, I've been building castles in the air thinking about our future, thinking that... you loved me... Sirius... I thought you loved me... he said, his voice filled with sadness.
Sirius: You... you can't understand, Remus... I... he said, struggling against his own tears.
Remus: Then explain to me! Sirius, I loved you, I love you, and I will always love you... how... could you let me believe it was mutual...
Sirius: But... it is... it's just that I...
Remus: It's just that you don't love me enough to say it... I understand, Sirius... who would want me... seriously, I hate myself.
Sirius: No! It has nothing to do with you... it's me... I... I can't, he said, collapsing against the wall, letting his tears flow freely as he had never done before. He had brought his knees to his chest and pressed his head against them, showing Remus only a huddled Sirius, his hair forming a curtain in front of his face, and the sound of muffled sobs... he had never seen Sirius in such a state...
He approached him, huddling in front of him. He pushed Sirius's jet-black hair behind his ears. Sirius lifted his tear-reddened eyes.
Sirius: I'm so sorry... so... I want to say it so much... but... I... another sob took hold of him.
Remus, unable to see the man he loved in such a state, took him in his arms, running his hand along his back to console him. He brought him to his bed, and there they lay together, Sirius with his head nestled in Remus's neck and his arms around the young lycanthrope's waist, while Remus had his head in Sirius's hair, constantly repeating, "Everything's okay... I'm here..." while stroking his cheek. Sirius fell asleep with the traces of his tears on his cheeks, and Remus couldn't suppress a slight smile full of tenderness and pure love... he couldn't find sleep, too busy thinking about Sirius's reaction... there was no longer any doubt Sirius loved him, but now why had he gotten into such a state...? As Sirius was waking up slowly, Remus kissed his cheek and checked the time.
Remus: 4:32... come on... he took his hand, and Sirius followed him, knowing very well what conversation awaited him.
Remus sat on one of the sofas in the common room, and Sirius came to snuggle up against him.
Remus: Do you want to tell me, little star?
Sirius snuggled even closer to Remus and closed his eyes, letting the images overwhelm him. He took a deep breath and said.
Sirius: It was... when I was 7 years old...
Sirius was 7 years old. Like any 7-year-old child, he felt the urge to express his feelings. While he was walking in the street to clear his mind, he saw not far from him a little girl of his age with what seemed to be her mother...
The girl had said to her mother, "I love you, mommy!" and the mother had smiled and hugged her daughter, returning those three little words...
Sirius, seized by a wave of affection, thought that maybe if his mother was hard on him, it was because he had never said that to her... and that by saying those words, his mother would have the same reaction and she would take him in her arms. Sirius dreamed of that sensation, the sensation of holding someone in his arms. Not that he had never done it with his little brother, but he dreamed of a hug from a mother, of a mother's love.
Sirius cheerfully headed home. He passed through the imposing door of the manor and went to present himself in the living room...
Walburga: This is the hour you come back! Little incapable!
Sirius smiled despite the insult because for him, after the three words he was about to say, all that would be over. She would take him in her arms, he would feel happy, that feeling he had felt for the first time at his brother's birth but had quickly forgotten...
Sirius stood before her and said: Mother! I have something to tell you!
Walburga growled and said: Hmm... what do you have to tell me that’s so important?
Sirius: I should have told you long ago, but well! Better late than never! So here it is.
Sirius: I love you, mother! I adore you despite our "differences." You are my mother!
At that precise moment, Sirius saw his mother stand before him. He smiled like a child who was given a gift, but...
Sirius was dismayed, he was on the floor... his hand pressed against his reddened cheek, tears in his eyes.
Walburga glared at him with a disgusted look and said in a bloody voice:
Walburga: How dare you show your feelings! Never have the Blacks stooped to such misery! Believe me! You will never make that mistake again. If you even dare to repeat that word once, I swear... CRUCIO!
Sirius writhed on the ground. Never had he suffered so much.
After an hour of torture under the screaming "Crucio" and the blows, he was put in his "room," a gloomy place lined with horrible black and green wallpaper with only a bed in the middle. He went to sit as best he could on the floor, his back pressed against the bed... He reached his hand under his bed to pull out a small iron box where he kept things his "mother" hadn't yet thrown into the fire... He took out a small figurine named "Problem" and held it in his hand, repeating,
"Never again... never again will I show my feelings... never again will I say I love you..." his gaze dark and devoid of any feelings.
Sirius: It was... it was at that moment... that... I put on my "mask." No one has ever received an ounce of love or friendship from me... It was when I met you... you, James, Peter, that I learned what friendship was... what... love was... even love with a capital L as you say, he said, smiling...
He told this story like a person being asked how much 2+2 is, as if he had forgotten for a moment that this child... was him.
Remus had tears in his eyes: I am so sorry, Sirius... if I had known I...
Sirius, smiling sadly: No one knows... not even James... not even Regulus... but you... you had to know... you had to know that I...
Remus, taking his hand: You don't have to...
Sirius, looking him straight in the eyes: I have to...
Sirius: I love you, Remus, like I have never loved anyone before. You taught me how to love, how to be happy... you taught me how to live, Moony. I loved you, I love you, and I will always love you.
Remus, moved by these words, replied: Forever and always...
Sirius smiled, kissed him, and whispered: Forever and always...
After that day, Remus went to tell Manon his four truths and cut ties with her.
After that day, nothing could separate Remus and Sirius.
"Not even a war, not even a prison, not even a Metamorphmagus."
On their wedding day, Sirius took Remus's hand and threw his doll named Problem into the sea. Then he turned to his now husband and said:
"I no longer need her... because the moment I met you, I knew it was with you that I wanted to share my problems forever and always, Moony."
And he replied: "Forever and always, Mr. Sirius Lupin."
As with Picasso, where the Blue and Rose Periods show that together, they can overcome all challenges with love...
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