Unnecessary explanation at the beginning:
An initially sad piece (also loosely connected to a series of other parts by me) written about the short, cheap ups, and the extreme downs throughout the recent years of my life. Seemingly hopeless until toward the end when the audience should probably catch the deceivingly dark/hopeful message, followed by a pretty outright hopeful message; perhaps even some subtleties related to questioning God after 2/3 a lifetime thus far of Atheism followed by 1/3 a lifetime of being purely Agnostic.
Recurring thoughts, past present, and future, pt. Infinity.1
Hope and love will eat fear alive.
That's why I try.
Why are we even afraid to die?
Only the strong survive, and only the wise admit their lack of wisdom...
but I feel weak. That makes me a weak, wise man without a plan.
(Becoming honest with myself, becoming nervous.)
Not enough of a linguist to use words to convey what I want you to know.
Too tired to act like I'm decent, too arrogant to see that I'm actually alone.
My current lack of motivation spawns from a lifetime of lacking emotional stability...
But being scared and being weak are not the same thing.
There I am, pulling my hair as you're leaving me there,
and still letting you leave.
Never with real faith in God, 'nor offending...
But they're all lying and cheating their way through everything.
Shouldn't compare myself to them, life is not a fucking game.
Learning not to hate myself, so I'll own up to my mistakes.
Yeah, lying is a sin and cheating is a sin, but look at who our president is.
Poor you. Poor me?
Don't bore me with what you think.
The past-
(conversations with myself)
I'm broke and I'm broken, but I'm better than I seem.
No, you choked, now you're chokin', sending prayers to trade memories for seconds to breathe.
I lie to you while I lie to me. Please don't lie to me.
Hypocritically paranoid is the only way that I see.
Dissipating faith in me with no faith in you, and vice versa.
Subconsciously hoping we'll get rid of you.
...And you can get rid of me.
The more recent past-
Poor you. Poor me?
Don't bore me with how you think.
Nevermind...enlighten me!
Enlighten me, please.
I'm not getting anywhere and I don't understand anything.
It's too late to shake feelings that life may have already gotten the best of me.
I hate me today. How did it make me this way?
Now I'm jealous of the people you don't think are crazy.
I offered you the satisfaction of ruining me.
Not that you actually care, but if you do, you can have it.
I'm trying so hard to be done. It's never been more obvious that time is up.
I hate that I can't just hate you today,
and how I'm jealous of all the people you don't think are crazy.
I love you. Still.
I'm helpless and long overdue, but I love you.
Reciprocation needed even more than I'm continually thinking of you.
These thoughts just occur at random times.
I'm wary of your face, even more wary of your name,
'cause they can pop up any time,
which still somehow dims the light in my day.
My brain hurts, I wish these thoughts weren't mine.
All while I dread waiting for home to feel lonelier than every place else.
These other things aren't important, but at least I'm thinking for myself.
The even more recent past-
A step up from last year when I never knew how I felt.
Now not only do I know, but I'm ready to give you hell.
Fuck you for making me feel inferior.
No, fuck ME for making me feel inferior.
Without knowing, we were growing...but at first I liked you just for showing interest here and there.
You kept it going and going, lying to us both, then you fucked me for making me feel inferior.
And would still sing my favorite songs with me while poison is overflowing from my interior.
Now I can't make you fathom my disdain for these pills I have to take to feel sane.
Now I hate you today, But I love you for more reasons than I could ever explain.
You'd pick where you'd lay at the end of the day, but we did more than lay.
There are only so many ways you can whisper my name.
Disillusioned by ideas we'd end up being friends, then put in place
by the only girl who ever told me she loves me, then never talked to me again.
Good thing I have friends to make me feel superior...
And to sing our favorite songs before poison spills from our interior.
It's a good thing I have friends to keep me company, more so listen to that story.
Poor me. Poor me.
Pour me another drink.
A moment ago-
I dread waiting for home to feel like the loneliest place.
The world's looking ugly, and I just don't feel safe.
We need more than this.
Tomorrow-
I struggled through today, but there's always tomorrow, maybe we'll be okay.
The rest of the foreseeable future-
I love you, but I love her more. I miss you...
But she's not even alive anymore.
You were an unstoppable force for your last nine years, but then it got you again. That time you knew. So you woke up just to get ready for bed.
No matter how much I tried, I was not prepared for the end.
I hope it's not scary or sad where she went.
I hope it's not nothing, but I'm still afraid that it is.
Though, maybe nothing's not bad.
At least there's no pain in the end, or no worry
that I could forget what you said. And I didn't.
“It gets better, as long as there's something to believe in.”
Everything after that-
Good to see you again.
