99¢ Dreams

Ghanaian - Florida

[pr0blematicprincess]

It’s getting harder to find a reason to stick around because it’s just overwhelming how clear it is that he doesn’t like me and doesn’t want me. I feel like I’m just someone he doesn’t know how to be honest with and is too scared to hurt so he just keeps me around despite knowing I’m not the person he wants. And some times I don’t understand why I’m not strong enough to just leave him alone. I try so hard and go through all the feelings and finally get into a place of accepting that it’s over then it’s like he senses that and comes back and I can’t ignore it.

I don’t know why I feel so strongly that he’s in LS with someone else but deep down I know that there’s no other reason to do all that. And part of me feels really crazy for getting so sad and depressed about something I don’t know for sure but I know him enough to know that it’s not unlikely and that he would lie to me about it even if I asked.

He’s lied so many times about so many things and I don’t understand why he can’t just be honest with me. Or why he can’t just leave me alone when he knows this isn’t going anywhere. I think I just thought if we can at least try being in a relationship and break up that all the time and effort and tears would be worth it.

But he’s so horrible to me. And I bc ant for the life of me understand why everyone else gets the good bits of him and get whatever he can muster up on that day. How can you drive three days to see someone but can’t figure out how to spend valentines with me or even text me at a reasonable hour on that day. You’ve never said happ6 birthday to me or asked me on proper dates or planned anything nice for us to do. You don’t ask how I am or let me know you’re think my abou5 me. You don’t ask me anything reall6… you don’t talk to me or wonder about m3. You don’t consider me or see a future. You don’t tell me how you feel sbou5 me.

Idk how you say you think you love me one moment to whatever this is right now.

I don’t know how you can keep stringing me along when you’re doing things with people that you never do with me. Dressing up for dates that you never go on with me. Posting taking picture and being happy and laughing and doing shit you never do with me. All we do in sit on a couch or lie in bed for hours and do nothing

I think at the least if you told a friend about me or your brother or we went out anywhere publicly together maybe that would be something…

I just feel hidden and locked away. I’m only on your mind when you need a place to stay and a place to wash clothes and a need to be back in the city to get more things. You don’t plan or think or wonder or care when it comes to me. And you certainly don’t love me.

Maybe you did once but.. not anymore

[pr0blematicprincess]

Coming to terms with the fact that I’m ugly and will be alone forever

[pr0blematicprincess]

I really feel like a joke.

Very pathetic

[pr0blematicprincess]

It’s like a cyclical feeling of low self worth and self doubt and a hopelessness.

I think last night was probably the worst experience I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt more inadequate. Inexperienced. Unloved. Immature. Useless. And unworthy of anything but spending the rest of my life alone.

They aren’t feelings I can share or talk about with anyone without feeling more stupid and unwanted. The sick and confusion and unbearable and inevitably ends in me feeling embarrassed. As if I wasn’t already when it was a secret.

I want to give up on love.

[pr0blematicprincess]

Manifestations for Dec 21 and beyond

1 let go of any hurt that’s been done to me by any one in the past

2 open my heart to find a man that loves me as much as I love him

3 build a secure relationship with that man

4 get into a top MBA program

5 go to Europe

6 spend my 25 birthday with those that I love most in a foreign country

7 find peace within

8 workout more frequently

9 find more streams of income/start a business

10 finish my glo up

11 move into my apartment and make it my home

12 build better relationships with family and friends

13 find a therapist that best works for me

14 make 100k+ by 25

15 find love find a boyfriend find my person find my husband

16 feel love

17 stop being lazy

18 find something I’m truly passionate about and monetize it

19 be more open with others

20 find loveeeeee !!!!!!!!

[pr0blematicprincess]

Lol 55 days later and no progress with this man. If anything just more confusion less connection and almost no prospects of sex.

Like at least we could be fwbs. I can deal with that. But alas, not even that.

I’m ready for 2021. I’m going to redownload hinge and be more open. More dates. Build a roster maybe. Lower my standards a bit because I won’t take dating so serious.

I’m getting old and I’ve spent most of my life alone. But that’ll end. I’ve spent this pandemic locked inside and still a prude. I’m going to be more open minded now. I don’t really have a choice.

I’m thankful for my health though

[pr0blematicprincess]

Attempt #91749 to tell a man how I feel failed again.

I’m starting to think my feelings are invalid. Maybe they aren’t real or based in a reality that other people are living in. I’m not sure.

I can’t understand why it almost backfires every time I’m honest about anything. I feel like I just have to sit there and take it? But that obviously doesn’t work either

So what tf is it? How does one get and keep a man?

[pr0blematicprincess]

If you’re sad I’m the type of person that will sit with you or give your a hug or listen to all of your feeling. I’m not good at reassurance or telling you that everything will be okay because it probably won’t. I mean depending on the situation I guess it’ll get better or it will just hurt a little less or maybe life will go on where you are distracted enough to not feel so sad but eventually you won’t be distracted anymore.

[pr0blematicprincess]

Wow it’s really crazy the timing of it all. I literally watched a zodiac tiktok and it said how Sagittarius’ love going back to their exes and that really triggered tf out of me. Just for a couple hours later this man finally tells me that he’s been talking to his ex “heavy”..

Eye couldn’t make up this shit if I was a screen writing for a dramedy...

And like okay you’re talking to your ex which I cannot do anything about but where does that leave me? I can’t compete against an ex. That’s like swimming against the tide and I’m not athletic. I need to make it make sense though and he’s not helpful at all. We can be “cool and just let time do the rest”. Why are you like this? That’s not an answer. Time and luck has never been on my side. All I can hope for now I guess is that his ex fucks up and I’m still around? I don’t want to get my hopes up bc I was actually very hopeful about him and time was not on my side. Like why did I meet him the weekend before a trip which was also the weekend before Halloween? And then that was also around th same time apparently he had a lot going on which was also around the time I fly home for thanksgiving? And now it’s 6 weeks later and his ex has weaseled her way back in. Ugh fml bro.

I wish I had a stable and established relationship with my therapist so I can ask her wtf I should do. There’s no harm in sticking around but I just have to reorient myself with him. I can’t put in my energy into him. I need to be open to other people. But also what’s confusing is how to continue communication. I guess I’ll keep it the same. Which is an average of every other day I guess.. but I’ll have to leave space for him to talk to me first.

[pr0blematicprincess]

Waking up to something you don’t want to hear is really not great.

I’m really done though. No apps, no active looking. Possibly no social media. I’m really tired of feeling unworthy. Like shit. Disappointed. Like there’s something wrong with me

[pr0blematicprincess]

Alas, I have given up on men yet again.

[pr0blematicprincess]

I really want him to be different. But I’m scared these are just signs that he’s not. These are red flags that I’m just forcing it. I had a plan. I just need him to get through the end of the week with me. I need him to see me before I go. I really hope this works

[pr0blematicprincess]

I’m having a hard time today

[pr0blematicprincess]

Feel like I met the love of my life last night actually. Every thing about him was perfect. He just had a child and I’m still fawning over him. I don’t really know much about him but spending the morning with him was probably the best 3 hours I’ve spent all year..

I really really really hope he texts back and I get to see him again. He was so lovely...

I’m genuinely willing to be a stepmother because I think he’s worth it. And his son is adorable.

Ugh it’s like the perfect timing to meet him, but only if we actually hangout

[pr0blematicprincess]

He texted back !!!

[pr0blematicprincess]

Feel like I met the love of my life last night actually. Every thing about him was perfect. He just had a child and I’m still fawning over him. I don’t really know much about him but spending the morning with him was probably the best 3 hours I’ve spent all year..

I really really really hope he texts back and I get to see him again. He was so lovely...

I’m genuinely willing to be a stepmother because I think he’s worth it. And his son is adorable.

Ugh it’s like the perfect timing to meet him, but only if we actually hangout

[pr0blematicprincess]

October will be better than September was.

I will get an opportunity to interview with Bain

I will get an offer from Bain

I will work at Bain by the end of 2020

[pr0blematicprincess]

I will get the McK job