Allie had been contracting for nineteen hours by the time the midwife confirmed what she and Dean had begun to suspect around hour fourteen: the baby was posterior, or "sunny side up." Instead of the ideal tucked chin, face down position, their son was staring at the ceiling of her uterus, his hard skull grinding against the small of her back with every surge.
"He's taking the scenic route," the midwife, a calm but no nonsense woman named Helen, had said with a sympathetic wince. She was in her early fifties, gray streaked hair pulled back in a tight bun, and she had delivered over a thousand babies. She knew a tricky labor when she saw one. "It's going to mean a lot of back labor, Allie. More intensity. But we can do this. You can do this."
Dean had watched Allie's face go pale, then determined. She was only twenty eight, fit, strong willed, a woman who ran half marathons for fun and had once talked her way out of a speeding ticket by making the officer laugh so hard he forgot to write the citation. She was talkative by nature, a verbal processor who needed to say things out loud to make them real. But her pelvis was on the narrow side, something Helen had noted during their last appointment, after measuring and palpating with knowing hands. Dean had filed that fact away in the growing folder of things he could not control. He was a fixer by nature, a man who liked problems with solutions, puzzles with final pieces, engines that could be taken apart and put back together. But this was watching someone he loved more than anything be taken apart slowly, wave by wave, and all he could do was hold on and speak. He was talkative too. They had met at a party where they had argued for an hour about the best Bruce Springsteen album, their voices rising and falling like old friends, and by the end of the night he had her number in his phone and a feeling in his chest he had never felt before.
They had arrived at the hospital twelve hours ago, when Allie's water had broken in the kitchen, a sudden dramatic gush that left her laughing in shock and Dean scrambling for towels. "Well," she had said, looking down at the puddle on the linoleum, "that's not how I pictured that moment." Dean had grabbed her face in both hands and kissed her forehead, her nose, her lips. "Showtime," he had whispered. She had laughed again, then doubled over as the first real contraction, the one that meant business, tore through her lower back.
Now, twelve hours after that moment, the labor had shifted into something raw and primal. The early part had been manageable. Allie had walked the hospital hallways with Dean's arm around her waist, stopping every few minutes to lean against the railing and breathe. They had talked the whole time, because that was what they did. She told him about the dream she had last night, the one where the baby came out already talking and demanded a cheeseburger. He told her about the time he saw a woman give birth in an airport when he was twelve and how he had been mildly terrified of pregnancy ever since. She had smacked his arm, laughing, then groaned as another wave hit. "Worth it," she had said through gritted teeth. "He's worth it."
But the back labor had changed things. The pain was no longer a wave that crested and fell. It was a constant, grinding pressure, a hot fist shoved against her spine that never fully released between contractions. By hour sixteen, Allie had stopped walking. She had stopped standing. She was on her knees on the hospital bed, facing Dean, her arms locked around his neck. Her forehead pressed into his shoulder as another wave built.
"Right here," Dean murmured, one hand splayed across her lower back, the other stroking the sweaty baby fine hair off her temple. He could feel the tension in her muscles, like iron cables pulled taut. "I've got you. Breathe with me. In through your nose, there you go, now out slow."
"It's right there," Allie gasped, her voice muffled against his shirt. "Dean, it feels like he's trying to push through my spine. Oh my God, it's like someone is driving a hot poker into my tailbone."
"I know, baby. I know." He pressed his palm harder into her lower back, applying counter pressure the way Helen had shown him. She had given him a whole tutorial during a lull in the early labor, showing him exactly where to push and how hard. He had paid attention like his life depended on it. "But every one of these is one less you have to do. You're so strong. So fucking strong. I have never seen anyone do what you're doing right now."
She groaned, a low guttural sound she tried to swallow halfway through. Dean felt the vibration of it in his own chest. He hated that, the way she muted herself. She had always been like that, even when she stubbed her toe or hit her funny bone, she would suck in a sharp breath and clamp her mouth shut like making noise was a weakness. He pulled back just enough to look into her face. Her eyes were squeezed shut, tears leaking from the corners, her lower lip caught between her teeth.
"Hey," he said softly. "Don't do that. Don't hold it in."
"Don't tell me how to labor, Dean," she snapped, but there was no heat in it. Just exhaustion. Just pain.
"I'm serious." He cupped her face, his thumb brushing away a tear. "Those noises, the grunts, the screams, they're not weakness. They're your body working. They help open things up. They help get him out. So let it out, Allie. Let me hear it. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
She looked at him for a long moment, her green eyes glassy with pain and something else, something softer. Trust. Then another contraction began to build, and this time she did not hold back. A deep, animal groan rose from her chest, then a cry, then a full throated scream that echoed off the hospital walls. Dean felt his own eyes sting. He hated that sound. Hated that he could not take it from her, could not absorb it into his own body and spare her even a fraction of it. But he kept his face steady, kept his hands on her, kept his voice low and even.
"That's it," he said. "That's it, baby. Let it out. I've got you. I've got you."
Helen came in then, soft footed and observant. She checked Allie's progress with gentle hands and announced that she was at eight centimeters. "The good news," she said, "is that posterior babies often turn on their own during labor. The bad news is that it takes longer and hurts more. But you are doing beautifully, Allie. Absolutely beautifully."
"How much longer?" Allie panted, her face buried in Dean's neck.
"Could be an hour. Could be three. Your body knows what to do. I need you to trust it."
Dean felt Allie's fingers dig into the back of his shirt, gripping the fabric like a lifeline. She was so hot, her skin slick with sweat, her hair plastered to her forehead and temples. He reached up and gathered her hair in his hands, pulling it back from her face. He had brought a hair tie on his own wrist for this exact moment, because he had read somewhere that laboring women got hot and he wanted to be prepared. He twisted her dark blonde hair into a loose bun and secured it, then pressed a kiss to her sweaty forehead.
"There," he said. "That's better, right? You look beautiful. You look like a warrior."
"I look like a drowned rat," she mumbled, but she almost smiled.
The next two hours were a blur of pain and presence. Allie labored on her knees, arms around Dean's neck, her body swaying through each contraction like a ship in a storm. Dean talked the whole time. He told her about their first date, the Italian restaurant where she had spilled red wine on his white shirt and he had pretended not to care. He told her about the first time she said "I love you," three months in, in the parking lot of a grocery store of all places, and how he had felt his entire future rearrange itself in that moment. He told her about the nursery they had painted together, the arguments over whether to do an accent wall, the way she had won by just looking at him with those stubborn green eyes.
"Stop talking," she gasped during one contraction, then immediately grabbed his arm tighter. "No, don't stop. Keep talking. Your voice helps."
So he kept talking. He told her about how scared he had been when they saw the positive pregnancy test, how thrilled he had been five seconds later, how he had cried in the bathroom when she wasn't looking. He told her about the way she looked when she slept, peaceful and young, and how he sometimes just watched her breathe. He told her that he had already picked out his father's day card for next year, a stupid pun involving a drill and a dad joke, and that he could not wait to embarrass their son in exactly the same way his own father had embarrassed him.
At some point, Helen checked again. Ten centimeters. Fully dilated. The baby had turned just enough, not all the way, but enough. "It's time to push," she said. "But I need you on your back, Allie. And I need your legs in stirrups. This position gives me the best access to help if we need it."
Allie groaned. She hated the stirrups. They had talked about it in their birth plan, how she wanted to avoid them if possible. But Helen's face was kind and firm, and Dean could see the shift in her eyes, the way she was already preparing for something. He helped Allie turn, helped her lie back, helped her put her feet into the cold metal stirrups. She was exposed now, vulnerable, and he could see the fear flicker across her face.
"Hey," he said, leaning over her, one hand on her cheek. "I'm not leaving this spot. I'm going to be right here the whole time. You look at me, okay? You look at me and you push."
Two nurses came in, efficient and quiet. They set up a table of instruments, pulled on gloves, adjusted the bright overhead light. Helen positioned herself between Allie's legs, her voice calm and steady. "Okay, Allie, on the next contraction, I want you to take a deep breath and then push like you're bearing down. Tuck your chin to your chest. Put all your energy into your bottom. Dean, grab her leg. Help her hold it back."
Dean moved to the side, wrapping his hands around Allie's right thigh, pressing it back toward her chest. Her left leg was already in the stirrup, but he could see her straining against the position. He held her gaze. "I've got this leg," he said. "You just push. I've got you."
The contraction came. Allie's face turned red. She bore down, a long guttural roar tearing from her throat, and Dean felt something shift inside him. This was it. This was their son coming into the world. He watched her push, watched the veins stand out on her neck, watched her hands grip the hospital bed rails until her knuckles went white.
"That's it," Helen said. "That's a good push. I can see his head. He has hair, Allie. So much dark hair."
"He has hair?" Allie gasped, then laughed, then groaned as another contraction rolled in without mercy. "Oh God, oh God, it burns. It burns so much."
"That's the ring of fire," Helen said calmly. "It means he's crowning. This is the hardest part. But you are so close. One more push. One more big push."
Dean leaned in close, his forehead nearly touching hers. "You hear that, baby? One more. Just one more and then we get to meet him. You can do this. You are the strongest person I have ever known. I love you. I love you so much."
Allie screamed. Not a held back cry, not a swallowed groan, but a full throated primal scream that seemed to come from somewhere deeper than her lungs. She pushed with everything she had, her body shaking, her face wet with tears and sweat, and Dean felt her leg tremble under his hands. He watched her and he prayed to a God he wasn't sure he believed in. Please let her be okay. Please let the baby be okay. Please let this end.
The head emerged. A shock of dark wet hair, a tiny face, eyes squeezed shut. Helen worked quickly, checking for the cord around the neck, finding none. "Good," she said. "Good. Now the shoulders. One more push, Allie. The shoulders are almost there."
But the shoulders did not come.
Dean saw something flicker across Helen's face. A quick tightening of her jaw. A glance at the nurses. The room changed in an instant, the energy shifting from encouragement to something sharper, more urgent. Helen pressed a call button with her elbow. "I need Dr. Matthews in here now," she said, her voice controlled but quick. "We have a shoulder dystocia."
Allie felt it too, the way the baby did not slide out the way he was supposed to. "What's happening?" she asked, her voice high and scared. "Dean, what's happening?"
Dean did not know. He had read about shoulder dystocia in the baby books, a complication where the baby's shoulder gets stuck behind the mother's pelvic bone, but reading about it and watching it happen were two different universes. He gripped Allie's hand and forced his voice to stay steady. "It's okay," he said. "It's okay. They know what they're doing. Just breathe. Just breathe for me."
Dr. Matthews arrived in seconds, a tall woman with short grey hair and steady hands. She took one look at the situation and began giving orders. "Helen, McRoberts maneuver. Flex the thighs up and out. Nurses, suprapubic pressure on my count. Allie, I need you to stop pushing for just a moment. I need you to listen to me very carefully."
Allie was crying now, not the silent tears from before but full body sobs. "I can't," she said. "I can't stop. My body won't stop."
"Dean," Dr. Matthews said, her voice sharp but not unkind. "Get her attention. I need her focused."
Dean put both hands on Allie's face, forcing her to look at him. "Hey," he said. "Hey. Look at me. Only me. You hear my voice? You hear me? I need you to breathe. Just breathe. Don't push. Let them do their job. You trust me, right? You trust me?"
She nodded, her whole body shaking.
"Then breathe. In through your nose. Out through your mouth. That's it. That's my girl."
Helen had moved Allie's legs now, pressing her thighs up toward her chest, changing the angle of her pelvis. One of the nurses was pushing on Allie's lower abdomen, just above the pubic bone, rocking the baby's trapped shoulder back and forth. Dr. Matthews reached inside, her face a mask of concentration. Dean could not look. He kept his eyes on Allie's face, on her tears, on her trembling lips.
"Push now," Dr. Matthews commanded. "Push hard, Allie. Now."
Allie pushed. She pushed like her life depended on it, like their son's life depended on it, because it did. She screamed, a raw ragged sound that tore through the room, and Dean felt her nails dig into his arm hard enough to draw blood. He did not flinch. He did not move. He just held on and whispered, "I love you, I love you, I love you," over and over like a prayer.
And then, suddenly, there was a release. A gush of fluid. A small body sliding into Dr. Matthews' waiting hands. A cry, thin and furious and absolutely beautiful.
Dean looked down and saw him for the first time, a squalling red faced creature with a full head of dark hair and tiny fists waving at the air. He was big, much bigger than Dean had expected, with broad shoulders and long fingers and a face that was already scrunched up in outrage at being evicted from his warm dark home. The nurses took him quickly to a warmer, rubbing him dry, checking his airways, suctioning his nose and mouth. His cries grew stronger, more insistent, and Dean felt his own knees go weak.
"Is he okay?" Allie sobbed. "Is he okay? Why isn't he on me? Dean, why isn't he on me?"
"He's fine," Helen said, and her voice was warm again, the urgency gone. "He's absolutely fine. He's a big boy, almost nine pounds, and he got a little stuck, but he's perfect. We're just cleaning him up. He'll be on your chest in thirty seconds."
Dean looked down at Allie. Her face was streaked with tears and sweat, her hair escaping from the bun he had made, her lips cracked and pale. She had never looked more beautiful to him. He kissed her forehead, her nose, her mouth, tasting salt and blood and something else, something like victory.
"You did it," he said, his voice breaking. "You did it, Allie. He's here. He's really here."
The nurses brought the baby over, wrapped in a white blanket with a tiny striped hat on his head. They placed him on Allie's chest, and Dean watched her arms come up automatically, cradling him against her heart. She looked down at his face and burst into tears, happy tears this time, tears that streamed down her cheeks and dripped onto the blanket.
"Hi baby," she whispered. "Hi. I'm your mom. I'm your mommy. I've been waiting so long to meet you."
Dean put his hand on the baby's back, feeling the rise and fall of those tiny breaths, and he cried too. He cried for the fear and the pain and the joy, for the nineteen hours of labor and the terrifying minute of the stuck shoulder, for the woman who had screamed and pushed and bled to bring this small person into the world. He cried because he had never known he could love anyone this much, not just the baby but Allie too, a love so fierce it felt like drowning.
"He looks like you," Dean said, his voice thick. "He has your nose. And your stubborn chin."
"He has your ears," Allie said, laughing through her tears. "Poor kid."
Helen was still working between Allie's legs, her movements careful and precise. Dr. Matthews had stepped back but was watching closely. After a moment, Helen looked up with a sympathetic expression. "Allie, you've torn. It's a second degree tear, which means it goes into the muscle. It's very common with a baby this size and a pelvis like yours. You're going to need stitches. Quite a few of them. I'll do them now while you're still numb from the epidural, but you'll feel some pressure."
Dean felt his stomach drop. Stitches. She had torn. He looked down and saw the blood on the sheets, the instruments on the tray, and he felt a wave of guilt so sharp it made him dizzy. He had done this to her. Not literally, he knew that, but his baby, their baby, had done this to her. She had been torn open because of him. Because of their son. He could not help the way his face crumpled.
Allie saw it. Even through her exhaustion, through the baby on her chest, through the tears and the pain, she saw his guilt. She reached out with one hand and grabbed his wrist.
"Dean," she said, her voice soft but firm. "Don't. Don't you dare feel bad about this."
"But you tore," he said. "You're hurt. That's my fault."
"It is not your fault." She squeezed his wrist. "It's nobody's fault. He's big. I'm small. It happens. And look." She looked down at the baby, who had stopped crying and was now staring up at her with unfocused newborn eyes. "Look at him, Dean. He's perfect. I would tear a hundred times for him. I would tear my whole body apart for him. I don't care about the stitches. I don't care about any of it. He's here. He's healthy. That's all that matters."
Helen began the stitching, her movements quick and practiced. Allie winced a few times, her jaw tightening, but she did not look away from the baby. She counted his fingers and his toes, ten of each. She traced the curve of his ear, the soft dip of his upper lip. She pulled down the blanket to look at his chest, his belly, the tiny umbilical stump clamped and waiting to fall off.
"Nine pounds even," Helen said as she tied off the last stitch. "Twenty one inches. You grew a football player, Allie. And you got him out with a pelvis that was trying very hard to say no. You are remarkable."
"The baby's father helped," Allie said, looking up at Dean with tired, happy eyes. "He talked the whole time. I think he talked the baby out."
Dean laughed, a wet shaky sound. "I did not. You did all the work. I just stood there and held your leg."
"You held my leg," she said. "And you put my hair up. And you told me I was strong when I felt like I was dying. That's not nothing, Dean. That's everything."
She shifted the baby slightly, angling him so Dean could see his face better. "Meet your son," she said. "We need to name him. We've been putting it off for nine months."
Dean looked at the baby's face, at the tiny furrow between his brows, at the rosebud mouth and the dark fringe of eyelashes. "Elliott," he said. "We talked about Elliott. Elliott James."
Allie tested it on her tongue. "Elliott James," she whispered. The baby's eyes flickered, as if he recognized something in the sound. "Hi, Elliott. Hi, baby boy. Welcome to the world. It's loud and bright and kind of scary out here, but don't worry. Your dad and I have got you. We've got you forever."
Dean leaned down and pressed a kiss to Allie's forehead, then to Elliott's tiny head. The baby smelled like soap and something else, something indefinable, something that made Dean's heart ache in a way he had never experienced before. He stayed there, forehead pressed to Allie's, the three of them breathing together in the soft hum of the hospital room.
"I love you," Dean said. "Both of you. So much it scares me."
"I love you too," Allie said. And then, because she was still Allie, still talkative even after nineteen hours of labor and a brutal birth and a room full of stitches, she added, "But I'm not doing this again until Elliott is in kindergarten. Minimum."
Dean laughed, a real laugh this time, and kissed her again. "Deal," he said. "Now get some rest. I'll watch him. I'll watch both of you."
Allie's eyes were already drooping, the exhaustion finally catching up with her. But she kept one hand on Elliott's back, feeling his tiny heartbeat against her skin, and she smiled. The pain was already fading, pushed to the edges of her memory by the weight of her son on her chest. She looked at Dean, at his tear streaked face and his steady hands and the way he was already completely, irrevocably in love with their child, and she thought,Ā Worth it. Every single second of it was worth it.
She closed her eyes, and for the first time in nearly a full day, she slept.
