So I have what may be an unpopular opinion / spicy take, but stay with me - the more I watch the Wilhelm and Simon end of episode 5 scene (the Lucia hug), the more I find it tears my heart to pieces rather than providing any kind of coming together or cathartic release.
Has anyone else felt the same?
Because the longer I've had to ruminate on the progression of the relationship between Wilhelm and Simon, the way they crash together, the way there's so much left unsaid, unrevealed, avoided before them being torn apart, I just, I find the Lucia scene so fucking painful.
For both of them, but honestly a big part of my heart breaks for Simon. He asks, So you blamed everything on Alexander? And what does he hear from Wilhelm here? No one said anything about you. But Simon's not having that shit, his last conversation with his (Prince, crush, friend; now Crown Prince and lover) was a shit fight where he realised Wilhelm thought - heard Wilhelm say - that he considered the reputation of his family first and any negative consequences for Simon second. Simon shakes his head, shakes his head again, no, no, no. Do you expect me to thank you? Or what. And it's inflection is: thank you for not throwing me under this bus filled with you and your noble white privileged cronies taking their free ride through life; thank you for finally realising this may have been some of my shit but this is also definitely some of your shit too; thank you for instead pulling the trolley lever to crush the only other body in the equation that looked least like you, talked least like you, behaved and moralised least like you, how fucking kind of you.
(And Wilhelm was in a tough spot, I'm not denying that, but shit, it really is just wealth begets power begets safety in this world, isn't it? Does Wille even clock that?)
He says, I just wanted you to know and Simon's still shaking his head, shaking his head (his face tells us he's again thinking, how fucking kind of you).
Wilhelm says, I just didn't want to lose you. You're the only one here I feel I can actually talk to. And at this, at the painful surrender from Wilhelm, Simon freezes. Pauses, and we know he's thinking, dear God there's no way in hell I want to lose you either, and at the combination of this and Wilhelm looking up at him with wet lashes, and Simon crumbles.
He crumbles, splinters, the grains of sand composing his existence falling through his own two hands, own ten fingers where he stretches them out to clutch at Wilhelm, hold him, show him he's needed, give him the love that makes him burn so bright, laugh so loud, stand so tall upright and proud.
But this moment, this exhale, flutter of Simon's lashes, nudge of his head is, to me, beginning to look like... Not the beginning (another beginning) of Simon's promise to Wilhelm, but the end (another end) of a promise Simon's made to himself long ago, before we met him. A promise to know his worth, to speak his mind, to never compromise where it's non-negotiable to allow him to sleep at night, to speak with love, to pride himself in and speak of his love. Simon came into this room wanting something from Wilhelm, and I don't believe he received it. He instead falls back into his pattern of boundless caring, of overcompensating, of making himself, his thoughts and his words smaller to lovingly cradle the emotional needs of everyone else in the room, fighting their demons with no thought to his own monsters under the bed, in the cupboard, in his head.
In this moment, Wilhelm doesn't give him enough. You're the only one here I feel I can actually talk to is not enough. It's not. Simon deserves at least an I'm sorry (and Wilhelm does as well, for that matter, there's plenty Simon's left unsaid too). And Simon just takes these tiny puzzle pieces of truth Wilhelm's willing to give, adds a chunk of himself he really can't afford to lose into the package and wraps Wilhelm up in this blanket of love because fuck, they love each other, they really fucking do, but is that enough? Is that enough?!
I believe this moment is one Simon looks back on, when considering what to say to Wilhelm when he returns from the Palace in episode 6. Think he clutches tightly to this moment, to steady his spine. I believe this is a moment Simon never wants to repeat, because it must have been so fucking scary, the feeling of loving someone so much you feel yourself remoulding your existence to fit the shape of them, and looking back realising they were holding steady to their concrete frame and expecting you to pour yourself like custard into their unchanging entity.
This scene tears me to fucking pieces, because it's the two of them at their lowest, both falling back on trauma-acquired behaviours that don't serve any long term relationship of theirs, placing a bandaid over a stab wound. I want to yell at them that this hit the femoral artery, that they're bleeding out, that it's just a matter of time.
But I know they won't listen, can't hear me, because what reason would they have to believe me? They're in each other's arms, right? That's enough, right? (For now, perhaps. Perhaps for now.)
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