Home base of the Prismatic Swirl Collective. We are a Partial DID system! | Collective Name: Robin | He/They/She | Body is 21 | I follow from @mothmerchant
Hello hello! Welcome to our system blog! We are the Prismatic Swirl Collective (sometimes just the Prismatic Collective, or Prismatics).
We are a traumagenic Partial DID system of 13 alters! Moth is typically co-con with one or more of the others :]
We will use we/I pretty interchangeably, depending on the situation. We also collectively use he/they/she pronouns, but each part has their own preferred pronouns as well.
WE SUPPORT ALL SYSTEM ORIGINS!!! However we are anti-radqueer.
I don't want to die I just wish I could be a completely different person. Or I would also accept being in the hospital for an extended period of time while everyone who loves me tells me about how they hope I feel better and they do everything for me. either way.
I need to quit therapy for real this time. I genuinely can't imagine anything that anyone could say to me that would actually help. Nobody ever gives advice or perspectives that are new to me. I really need to just get used to being like this instead of hoping that someone will actually be able to help me. I don't even know what my fucking problem is anymore. I don't even care about my trauma at this point so why am I like this?
I'm just trapped in my own head and no one actually gets what I'm trying to say. I don't know why I keep trying. I wish I could just shut up for once. I must be so fucking draining saying the same shit over and over.
I wish I could just blame my therapist for being bad at their job but it's literally just me. I'm so difficult for no reason. I just don't want to get better. It's easier to keep being miserable like this I guess. God forbid I actually have to do work to stop being like this.
I wish I wasn't too scared to kill myself. I would've done it a long time ago.
is it even OCD if giving in to my "compulsions" or getting "reassurance" doesn't even make me feel better in the moment? pretty sure that's just anxiety atp.
I've actually decided that it doesn't fucking matter if other people think I've made progress in therapy if I don't feel like I've made progress. I'm the one getting the help, it should only matter if I think I'm getting better.
I should email my therapist and tell them I won't be seeing them anymore because it's never going to work. I can't keep lying to myself. they're nice but I can't be helped.
I guess I'm scared that they'll just let me go and I don't want that. I want them to worry about me. I want them to make sure I'm sure about this. I guess I'm not sure.
I should email my therapist and tell them I won't be seeing them anymore because it's never going to work. I can't keep lying to myself. they're nice but I can't be helped.
we only just started getting help this year and it already feels like we've exhausted all of our options. it feels like there's nothing left. and that's fine, if we're gonna be like this forever then we can live with it. but it's exhausting. this is just what life is like for us. things are mostly okay except for when they're miserable. we can go a while being okay and then suddenly nothing is manageable anymore.
I don't understand what therapy is actually good for... We talk about things but that doesn't make them any better. How are we supposed to actually improve? Our trauma isn't upsetting anymore but the effects are still all there, we can't just undo them. There's never any time to stop and think before a trauma response. I don't understand what we're meant to be doing. We like our therapist but we have no idea if they're doing a good job or not. Maybe we're stuck or maybe it's just supposed to be like this. Our therapist says they can see us doing the work but what work are we even doing? I feel like so little has changed. I just want this to stop but it won't.
ah, it's always bad when Dirt starts influencing me. I get scared and he tells me that things are never going to get better... I don't want to believe him but I don't know how to think otherwise. we keep trying to improve but nothing ever gets better. our depression will never go away because we can't take antidepressants. we're never going to move past our trauma because we've already done everything we can in therapy. maybe we just like being like this? it gets us more attention. we don't actually want to get better because then people will stop noticing us. it's really only Moth who wants to get better, the rest of us only exist because we're miserable. it's the only way for us to be.
I don't think I'm capable of loving a pet long-term... I so desperately want to, but they stop being new or start being the slightest bit inconvenient and suddenly I just can't handle them anymore, I lose all real attachment to them. I always get so excited over a new animal but sooner or later I stop being able to give them much beyond the bare minimum. it feels like having a pet in my life is always a sacrifice, it only enriches me for a moment and then I just want to be without them again. I have so much pet trauma, but I feel like I should just be able to love an animal instead of feeling weighed down by them. I hate that I can't do this, I hate myself for being so bad at this. so many people are so enriched by their pets, they make things easier for them, but they just make me feel guilty. I want an animal in my life, but I just can't do this. it's never going to stop feeling like a sacrifice.
DID sucks because in the morning you think "maybe I'm actually normal and I should stop overanalyzing my experiences and just enjoy life" and in the evening you get possessed by the ghost of yourself from 2018
btw. "plural" is an opt-in label. you can call yourself plural for any reason. its not a diagnostic label and its definition is very loose. "i'm not plural i just-" i promise theres an entire segment of the plural community that is full of people who are plural for specifically that thing. you're not plural because you dont identify with the label, not because that experiences "doesn't count."
