Dearest,

[privatepeonies-blog]

What made you finally realize that you come first?

Extreme heart break. To be honest. I was always someone who took the focus off of myself, wanting to lift anyone I loved up and put their problems first because I could. My partner was my world, and she struggled with a lot of intense mental illness, so unfortunately she soaked up my love, and took everything I had to give, eventually emptying me out, that said I also completely allowed her to. And then she left me. It was an intense wake up call, because it was the biggest shock I could have ever experienced. I realize I was just left with me, my own issues to take care of, my own body and mind to take care of. That’s what got me through that whole break up. I was in a foreign country completely destroyed, and while I had incredible friends the only person I really had to carry me was me. 

Im so thankful that I learned that so early in life, and before I lost myself completely. 

[archiebunker-blog]

How did you get through school? I'm finding it difficult. Did you study a lot? What did you do before exams? Did you stress at all?

Oh boy University is something else let me tell you. I studied so hard, I would go to the library for 12+ hours a day to study for all of my exams, finish final papers. I would make appointments to see my professors coming to them with any questions I had about the material, tips on how to grasp it better, you name it. I was a stressful basketcase! I think one of the main things that helped me was finding a group of people in my program with similar goals to mine, and we formed a study crew, where we all just motivated and helped each other out before exams, or discussed topics and ideas for final papers. School is SO HARD. But keep pushing, and ask for help because there are so many people who are there for you. 

[archiebunker-blog]

i have a really hard time letting people out of my life, even if they have hurt me. i feel like i try so hard to be there for people if even it's detrimental to myself and i don't really know how to change this part of me. any advice?

Don’t put your needs aside to serve somebody else’s, that’s probably one of the most important things I’ve learned this year. And one of the most difficult things to practise. I believe that people come in and out of your life to serve a purpose, to teach you a lesson, to help you grow, and sometimes those peoples times are just simply, up. As much as it hurts to let people go, I think if you try to think of who you were before them, who you currently are, and who you will be after them, you’ll realize that it’s okay. 

Don’t doubt your ability to survive without people who maybe aren’t necessarily the best for you. Don’t ever forget you come first. 

[privatepeonies-blog]

I want to be friends with my girlfriend's ex, but her and my girlfriend aren't on the best of terms. Even though they dated, we get along great and I think we could be friends. We also all share a lot of mutual friends and we often feel left out on certain plans/parties/outings because the two of them can't get along. Should I tell my girlfriend to suck it up and make amends? Or do I respect the fact that she has chosen not to be her friend, and therefore neither should I?

Tricky tricky. I think there’s a lot of variables that weigh in here, one being, were you friends with your girls ex before you two started dating? I don’t think you should ever tell your girlfriend to suck it up and make amends, that’s completely on her terms, but I think you should explain to her how you feel especially about feeling left out. I think if you weren’t friends PRIOR to when you started dating your girlfriend, it doesn’t make much sense to me to be pals with her ex who she really doesn’t get along with. I think it would make it easier on her if you weren’t, but then again no one can limit you to who you can and can’t speak with. Think about it, talk with her, and see where that goes. 

[privatepeonies-blog]

I thought you were like a really cool and a good person. But after a while when you become more popular you changed, suddenly you started to be kinda mean. It was disappointing because I thought you weren't like that.

I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve been through many transitions in my life, and where I am now especially it hurts me to think that someone would think I was mean or would ever intentionally hurt another person. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you in the past, or recently. I don’t consider myself a ‘popular’ person, I don’t find value in the amount of people who like me, I find irreplaceable value in the close friends I have. 

I’m not sure what else to say, except to confront me directly if I’ve hurt you in some way. 

[privatepeonies-blog]

How can I get amazing brows like yours? Do you thread or wax? Also do you have any tips on how you fill them in and get them even?

Hi darlin. I honestly one day just started toying around with them, learned my natural shape, and started outlining and penciling them in! I don’t have to wax or thread, I just use tweezers. (Sometimes I have to wax because they get a little out of hand) but not often! Theres tons of youtube tutorials also that help with the balancing out. Something I do once I’m done is take my pencil and lay it across my eyebrows to make sure they’re both even! YOU ARE CAPABLE, LEARN YOUR FACE & GOOD LUCK x 

[archiebunker-blog]

I am always so hard on myself and have been through a lot of abuse: family, friends, an ex. Ive had a lot of bad experiences and let down by a lot of people I trusted. It's resulted in me having low self esteem and poor confidence. I would like to work on it and love myself. How can I love myself, what was your journey to find self acceptance and love yourself?

Hello darling. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I know you’ve heard this, but every person needs to be hurt in order to find growth. No matter how long the healing process is. I could imagine how your confidence is affected by all you’ve experienced, however the way that I try to view these things is this; horrible things have happened, I am hurting, I feel weak, but there must be a lesson here. There must be something I am coming out of this experience with, that I didn’t have before. Things I couldn’t have gotten from any other experience. I recently moved across the world with a partner, and our relationship fell apart before my eyes. It changed me deeply. I can see it in myself now, I am so much stronger, I am able to navigate my wants, needs, and what I deserve. I think that if you dissected all that’s happened to you, and took into account the qualities of yourself that you see now, withholding the issue of trust and self confidence, you’ll find that you know yourself more than you ever have. Because of your experiences, you know now (or have an idea of) how you deserve to be treated, what you can accomplish, how strong you are that you’ve made it this far. The you that emerged from these events is a whole new, stronger, lovelier you. Get to know them. Find a type of peace with your past that allows you to move on, and grow more. I promise maybe not now. But soon you’ll see yourself blossom and you’ll feel alive again. You don’t need anyone else to make you feel that way, the capability is already yours.

I’m here for you, no matter the issue everyone’s self love journey is drastically different. Day to day even. Learning how to support and love yourself on the deepest level is a journey I’m still engaged in, but I’m excited for where it takes me and I’m excited where your journey will take you.

Take care.

[privatepeonies-blog]

I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend even though he's moved on, what on earth do I do.

Well nothing I tell you can make you get over him right this second. It's going to take some time and convincing yourself that your relationship is no longer and probably won't ever be again. It's good he's moved on. I'm glad and you should be too. It takes time to fully be over someone. Acknowledge the fact that you will move on too, and that its possible and that he isn't the only one out there/the best one out there for you. I hope that helps.

x 

[privatepeonies-blog]

I'm queer and genuinely do not care at all about gay marriage and find myself rolling my eyes whenever I hear about it, does that make me a bad person?

No way. You have a right to think whatever you think! And if anyone judges you for it then they can take a hike. 

[privatepeonies-blog]

HOW DO I LOVE MY BODY. I am curvy, I have hips and boobs and a tummy and cellulite. When I'm alone, and naked, I feel so great about myself and I think I'm fabulous. But once I go out I feel like I'm massive and people are judging me. I notice people staring and I assume it's because I'm huge, ugh I just don't know. You are so fabulous and I wish I could look more like you. Sorry this is kind of a confused rant, I hope one day I wake up and feel magical.

You are magical. You should wake up every day and feel so so so magical. I know how it feels to have a love/hate relationship with your body. Honestly I have good days and bad days. I think the main thing is my body is the only consistent thing in my life, no matter what it supports me, it keeps me alive. As long as you take care of yourself, it doesnt matter what you look like or what people think. When people look at you, its because theyve never seen anything so miraculously beautiful in their lives. Most people dont know what to do with that feeling so they sneer, it makes them look idiotic. It takes time to never have bad body image days. I havent met anyone who doesn't have them. Be thankful for your body, every inch of it regardless of what it looks like. 

[privatepeonies-blog]

(2/2) I feel like there is so much she would need from me in terms of support with the coming out process and I am afraid that I won't be what she needs. I am so afraid of hurting her because I would not only be her first girlfriend, but her first relationship. There's a lot of expectation in this situation and I don't want to leave her broken like my first girlfriend did. I've tried to distance us, but it's so hard because she's smart, funny, and beautiful. Please help!

Oof. Okay so after I broke up with my first serious girlfriend I had a fling with a guy, we were intimate but it didn't last. SO first things first don't feel troubled about that at all. Secondly, give some thought to whether this is what you really want (I always suggest that, just in case). When you confront her about it/break it off, let her know that you don't want to be the one to "break her", if she's the woman you make her out to be here she sounds very intelligent and capable of moving on without being destroyed. Don't let her hold you back, you have to do whats best for both of you even though it may suck for a while. She'll be okay if you approach it in the right way. Theres someone out there for her who will give her everything she needs, it just isn't you. 

It will be okay.

X 

[privatepeonies-blog]

Why do you think you're qualified to give advice? Don't you think you're going to a disruptive length to entertain yourself?

I don't think I'm qualified in any way to give advice. People come to me and I tell them what they think. I really don't think any of my advice is disruptive, it all depends solely on the person receiving it and how they interpret or act. 

[privatepeonies-blog]

Is it possible to make someone, who is obsessed with reading fictional novels and so naturally is in love with fictional characters, fall for just an ordinary person? She is 21, has never been in a relationship, and is currently still a virgin (not by choice). She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. And her mind is even more lovely. Are her expectations now just so high that she is waiting for something that only exists in books? I feel inadequate to all the characters she reads about.

This is probably the most perplexing question I've ever received. I used to be a reader when I was younger and be completely in love with the characters and worlds that novels introduced me to. However, I could see where her standards are high and why it is difficult for you to live up to them. Perhaps the reason her standards are so high and why she is so in love with these fictional characters is that they do not have the capacity to hurt her. If her standards are so high then she trusts that she will find someone similar to the characters she adores and she will never be hurt or have problems. 

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with this girl but I think maybe try and slip into her world a little bit. Get her mind off of the books momentarily and show her exciting things and people that exist in the real world. This is not me telling you to stop her from loving her novels or feeling attached to them, PLEASE don't do that. But show her that someone outside of fiction is capable of loving her and giving her what she needs to be happy and that being with someone in the real world is completely okay and safe. 

Just an aside, don't feel inadequate. This girl sounds incredibly intriguing and you sound so passionate about her based on how you've written this ask. You seem to me to be a very kind caring person and you are absolutely capable of being a real life version of your own character that she could fall in love with, provided that's your intent. 

Good luck, and don't give up on her. She's a gem and they're hard to find. 

[privatepeonies-blog]

I'm starting to think my best friend doesn't value our friendship as much as I do and I don't know what to do about it.

Ah, from a completely objective point of view, I'd say sit her down and talk to her about it. From the perspective of someone who has been in this situation before, try and understand why you feel this way and perhaps be open to the fact that they may think that of you too. The problem with things like this is that it's almost nearly impossible to view it from the opposite person's perspective without confrontation. Maybe they're going through things that they feel that they cannot talk to you about for whatever reason. 

So, if you are waiting for them to come to you then don't. Go to them and sit them down in person. Write a list of things as to why you think they don't value the friendship but be open to what they have to say as well. In situations like this it's incredibly easy to let emotions take the wheel but that will put you on the fast track to destroying a friendship. Bottom line, don't jump to conclusions before you talk to them. Make sure you sit them down in person and explain how you feel. 

[privatepeonies-blog]

hi... so I am never going to be loved. I am unlovable as if something inside me is broken and repels everyone, even from liking me. it gets really tough because I have never had a relationship before. it makes me worry that I am not pretty enough so I put more effort into how I present myself, then it was my personality, I became much more patient and kind. I have worked to like myself and I did but constant romantic rejection ruined that. How do I not loose the bit of hope I have left?

This will be similar to my last response. But you will be loved. Remember if you think that something inside you is broken, you should really see if you can figure out what it is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you look, and if people are choosing not to date you based on your physical appearance, you really should not want them around you anyway. Bring that patience and kindness back, remember that's who you are. You deserve to love yourself and not let constant rejection from possible partners eliminate that. You come across to me as a very strong and passionate person, and that is honestly so admirable. Cling on to that hope that you have, and I believe it will grow. If you remember how you worked and learned to love yourself for who you are I think that your relationship with yourself and others will improve. Learning to like ourselves is the biggest challenge of all humans in my opinion and the fact that you have had such an experience is absolutely inspiring. 

Keep working on it love, rejection is something we can learn from and grow from. 

[privatepeonies-blog]

All around me are relationships, and I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. It really hurts me, and I know it shouldn't bother me but I can't help it. I feel like an unlovable loser.

Being in a relationship does not determine your worth. You are not unlovable, you are not a loser and you are most definitely not going to be alone forever. Before you enter in a relationship you must be okay with who you are, or else it will never work. Maybe you have to do some tlc with yourself and look into where this is coming from so that you can give yourself a little more credit. To be honest, when you're ready it will come. Perhaps the reason why you're not in a relationship is because you're not ready and you completely know that subconsciously. Take time for yourself, do some soul-searching and approach it from a more positive perspective. You are loved and will be loved, and when you're ready you will find someone perfect. Don't rush it. x 

[privatepeonies-blog]

Hi lady, hope you're doing well!~~ I was just wondering if it makes me "slutty" if I post semi-revealing pictures of myself. I'm not doing it for anyone but me, but I just don't want people to get the wrong impression! I'm not looking for notes or whatever, I'm just celebrating my body. Does that make sense? I just feel like I'm being judged. Am I doing something wrong?!

NOOOOOO. Do it babe, do it. There's photos of my ass on the internet, and my half naked top. Go for it, always.