Ruined Orgasms, Explained: Why He Finishes and Still Wants More
Most men think an orgasm is an orgasm.
He finishes. He feels good. He rolls over.
That is the script his body has run his whole life.
A ruined orgasm tears that script up.
He still finishes. The fluid still leaves his body. But the wave of pleasure that usually rides along with it never arrives. He is left empty, frustrated, and still wanting. And most importantly, he is left knowing that the difference between satisfaction and frustration was a decision. Her decision.
This is one of the quieter tools in orgasm control and denial, and it is far more psychological than it looks. To understand why it works, you first have to understand what a normal orgasm actually does to a man.
What Is a Ruined Orgasm?
A ruined orgasm is simple to define and surprisingly precise to perform.
You stroke him, or have him stroke himself, right up to the edge. To the point of no return, where his body has already committed to releasing and nothing can stop it.
Then you remove all stimulation. Completely. Hands off.
The cum leaves his body. But without the rhythmic muscle contractions and the touch that normally travel with it, the pleasure does not. He gets the mechanics of ejaculation without the reward of orgasm.
The load is gone. The high never came.
He is left blinking, half-confused, still aroused, still craving the very thing he was certain he was about to feel.
Recommended Read – Ask Miss Sana: Is Orgasm Denial and Chastity a Necessity in a Female Led Relationship?
The body lets go. The pleasure does not. That gap is the whole point.
What Actually Happens in His Body
I am not going to turn this into a biology lecture. But a little chemistry explains everything that follows, so stay with me for four quick beats.
When a man gets aroused, dopamine climbs. People call dopamine the pleasure chemical, but that is wrong. Dopamine is the wanting chemical. Its whole message is “I want, I need, keep going, not yet.” This is why desire feels almost obsessive right before climax. His focus narrows. His judgment loosens. He will agree to almost anything.
Then he finishes, and the system flips.
Dopamine crashes. The goal is met, so the engine that was screaming “I want” goes silent. At the same moment prolactin floods in. Think of prolactin as the brake pedal. It tells his brain “enough.” Add the calm of endorphins and serotonin, and you get the sleepy, satisfied, slightly distant man most women recognise the second it is over.
That whole shutdown is not him losing interest in you. It is a biological program running on schedule.
Arousal is dopamine screaming “I want.” Climax flips the switch off.
Why a Normal Orgasm Ends the Chase
Here is the part that matters for any woman leading her man.
The reason he goes quiet, rolls over, or suddenly wants to look at his phone after a normal orgasm is not coldness. It is that the wanting brain has switched off. The dopamine that made him attentive, eager, and pliable is gone. The prolactin has declared the hunt over.
Some people call this “post nut clarity.” All the urgency that made him so devoted in the moment drains away, and a calmer, more indifferent man is left behind.
Now look at what a ruined orgasm does to that exact sequence.
The Ruined Orgasm Breaks the Pattern
A ruined orgasm cheats his reward system.
His brain spent the entire build-up bracing for a huge payoff. “This is it. Complete satisfaction is coming.”
Instead it gets a sliver of it. The body released, but the pleasure that was promised never landed.
Neuroscientists call this gap a prediction error. The brain expected a full reward, logged an incomplete one, and refuses to close the loop. So instead of “mission accomplished,” his brain stays stuck on “that is not finished.”
He still feels aroused. He still wants more. The satisfied, indifferent version of him never appears, because biologically he was never satisfied. He got the release without the resolution.
The fluid left. The craving stayed.
Why This Keeps Him Submissive
Think of it as training, in the most literal sense.
A normal orgasm teaches his brain a clean lesson: act, collect the big reward, stop chasing. The wanting ends.
A ruined orgasm teaches the opposite: act, collect an incomplete reward, keep seeking. The wanting never ends.
A man kept in that wanting state stays attentive, eager, and tuned to her in a way a freshly satisfied man simply is not. His devotion is not switched off by a flood of prolactin, because she never let him reach the finish line.
And underneath the chemistry sits the real point. He learns, in his body and not just his head, that his release is not his to take. It is hers to give. That single shift is what separates this from ordinary sex. It is also why it sits so naturally alongside a reward system built on devotion rather than transaction, where his satisfaction is something she grants on her terms, not something he is owed for showing up.
I will be honest here. Direct research on BDSM ruined orgasms specifically is thin. But the reward-learning explanation is well supported, and it lines up cleanly with what women report seeing in their own dynamics.
One ending teaches him to stop. The other teaches him to keep wanting.
Ruined Orgasm vs Edging
People blur these two together, so let me draw the line.
Edging keeps him at the edge again and again without ever letting him finish. Dopamine stays high. Anticipation stays high. Prolactin never spikes, because there is no release. He stays in that hungry, focused, slightly desperate state for as long as she wants. This is the heart of tease and denial, and it is excellent for building craving over days.
A ruined orgasm does let him release, but strips the pleasure out of it. He gets emptied without being satisfied.
Edging holds the wanting open by refusing release. A ruined orgasm grants release in a way that leaves the wanting open anyway. Two different tools, one destination. He stays hungry, and she stays in charge.
(Some couples go the other way entirely with karezza, slow and affectionate intercourse with no push toward climax at all. Less crash, more closeness. Worth knowing such options exist, even if it sits at the opposite end of the spectrum from a ruined orgasm.)
Now the part the hormone charts never mention, and the part I care about most.
A ruined orgasm is not a trick you spring on a man. Done without trust, it is just frustration, and frustration breeds resentment, not devotion.
For it to mean anything, he has to hand it to you. He has to want you to hold this power. Submission is offered, not extracted, and few things are offered as nakedly as a man trusting a woman with the one release his body is begging for. He is placing his most primal need into your judgment. That is not a small thing.
So handle it with care.
How she treats him in the minutes after matters as much as the act itself. A warm hand on his back, a word of praise for taking it well, a calm reminder of who decides. That turns raw frustration into closeness and deepens the bond. Cold mockery every single time, with nothing underneath it, does the opposite.
And do not lean on it constantly. A ruined orgasm is a deliberate statement, not a default setting. Picture an ordinary weeknight at home, dinner cleared away, and he quietly assumes tonight he finishes the way he always does. The power lives in her calmly deciding otherwise, not in grinding him down until it means nothing. Used with intention, it says everything. Used carelessly, it says nothing at all.
For many couples this grows naturally alongside chastity, where she already holds the key and the authority behind it. The cage decides when he is touched. The ruined orgasm decides what that touch is worth.
Denied, ruined, or granted. The dial only turns on her say.
His release is not his to take. It is hers to give.
Final Thoughts
Strip away the chemistry and a ruined orgasm comes down to one quiet truth.
There is a difference between letting a man release and letting a man be satisfied.
The ruined orgasm lives precisely in that gap. The fluid leaves his body, but the pleasure, the completion, the permission to feel finished, all of that stays with her.
It is intimate. It is built on trust. And it tells him, in the most honest language his body knows, exactly who holds the decision.
He may control the urge. She controls the release. And she alone decides whether wanting ever turns into having.
"It's funny, isn't it baby?," she purred. "Back before you were locked up and were able to cum whenever you wanted... you sometimes used to complain about this, remember?"
With her fingers lightly tracing and swirling along the length of his freed cock she mockingly imitated him. "Baby no, just a handjob?.... again?... that's what you did last time... why can't you ride my cock tonight?... or at least give me a blowjob??"
She smirked as he softly said, "I'm so sorry. I... I was an idiot..."
"Aww, don't be so hard on yourself sweetheart," she purred, smiling at his gasp as she delicately spread more clear precum around the head, causing him to pant with need.
"You were just a little self-centered... preoccupied with your own wants. But I think we've corrected that now, don't you?," she asked.
"Yesss...," he moaned, straining against his bonds as he tried to thrust up toward her feathery light caresses. Instead, she pulled her hand away completely.
She smiled at his whine of frustration as he pleaded, "Nooo, please don't stop... please more?!"
Chuckling, she taunted, "More what, sweetheart? More of my warm... gentle... silky soft hand?"
"Yesss, please more??...", he begged.
Grinning, she lightly swirled one finger around the head, then slowly traced it down the length of him. His entire body quivered as he let out an agonized groan of need.
"Did that feel good baby?," she teased softly. "Is my hand good enough for you now?"
"It's so good. I'm begging you, please don't stop... please more??", his voice desperate with longing.
Smiling with satisfaction, she gently caressed his face, cooing, "We'll see baby, maybe... not right now though..."
And with a soft chuckle, she walked away, leaving his cock quivering and weeping with need....
I'm on my business trip but I'm already contemplating my return... and the idea of inspecting hubby and his work. I know he likes motivating himself through chastity, so I thought I would play along and create this inspection time when I get home. Of course... I'm not going to tell him what's on the inspection. He should know by now, so he's got to get the house in a state that pleases me, without being told how to do it.
This is the part of being a Mistress I love the most. I dont' want to tell him what to do. But I expect him to do it right...
And the fun part is, and I'm a natural at this: He can NEVER do it right. It's his plight. No matter what he does... it's not enough. That might be a problem in a relationship, except we are playing a Chastity game, so my demands for more, more, more, better, better, better, are delightful and my punishing him for not being good enough... is fun.
And let me plain, this is a game. He IS good enough, and though I'm sure like me, and everyone else on the planet, he feels like he's not enough sometimes... this is a game we lean into. And being aware of our tender spots, we play with them. It feels very healthy, and allows us to laugh at some of our wounds!
Am I a terrible person for ruining his bi-monthly orgasms?
FLR Tips is the sister site to FLR Info, where you’ll find introductory information about Female-Led Relationships. If you’re new to this, you should head over there. This site is about the practical, day-to-day aspects of FLRs. It is much more explicit and quite sex/femdom-oriented. Consider yourself warned.
With just six orgasms (or so) in the course of a full year, shouldn’t I be a good wife and at least make them really, really good for him?
This isn’t me asking, but it’s a question I get asked every now and then. It’s a fair question too, especially from women who are new to this, so I’m going to answer it as thoughtfully as I can.
But before we get into it, let’s recap what a ruined orgasm is. In FLRs and other femdom-type relationships, it’s common for the woman to control and restrict the man’s orgasms, typically using a chastity device combined with some rules and a shared understanding that it’s for their mutual benefit. Typically, the woman decides when and how the man is allowed to reach an orgasm. If she practices runied orgasms, she will endeavour to stop all forms of stimulation just as his desire pushes him beyond the point of no return. This causes the semen to trickle out in a seemingly frustrating and unsatisfying way, and, if done correctly, he will not lose his erection and will not feel “spent” and fulfilled afterwards, but rather be ready for more.
Let’s review the effects of this from both sides before we address whether it’s cruel to do this.
For the woman, it’s mostly benefits all the way. She gets to assert control and dominate one of the most fundamental aspects of being a man, with very little effort on her part. There can be a lot less mess - it’s easy to direct or collect his semen without any spillage. It can be very fun and rewarding for women who have a sadistic streak, which is quite common in femdom-type relationships. And, perhaps most importantly, he doesn’t collapse like a wet blanket afterwards, neither mentally nor physically. She can continue to play with him, or switch to being serviced herself - all without him losing interest.
As far as downsides go, depending on who you are, there might not be any. Maybe you get a big kick out of seeing him pump his semen flying through the room, and feel that you’d miss that? Well, just go ahead then - this isn’t about doing anything for the sake of it. Ruin him when you see the benefits of it, and have him go wild if that’s what you feel like.
How about the man? Are there any upsides to this for him? Perhaps surprisingly, there are several! He enjoys the sexual energy that he gets from being teased and denied, and with a ruined orgasm he barely loses any of it, while still getting a decent dose of satisfaction. Also, he can go right back to serving your needs with a genuine passion for it, without “faking it” for a couple of days. But most importantly, it plays directly to his kinks. Even though it feels frustrating in the moment to be denied a proper orgasm, on a deeper level he will revel in the transfer of power that is taking place, and the delicious unfairness of it all.
So no downsides for the man, then? Well, yes, there is one. I downplayed it in the previous paragraph, but it’s still a very real downside: He doesn’t get a proper orgasm! Being brought to a nice, fulfilling orgasm feels really, really good - most women living in FLRs are keenly aware of this fact, and enjoy plenty of them on a daily basis. Almost never experiencing one is definitely a downside, no doubt about it.
—
So, back to the question at hand. Are you a terrible person if he only (or mostly) gets ruined orgasms on the rare occasions that he is allowed to have some form of release?
Unequivocally, NO. If your relationship is otherwise healthy, meaning that you love and respect each other and the FLR/femdom aspects are based on a mutual understanding and continually evaluated, then you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Most men who have this particular kink are only too happy to be living with a woman who embraces and cultivates her demanding, sadistic, and selfish traits. This is what he WANTS - for you to put yourself first and to actively restrict his sexual pleasures. The unfairness of not only having to wait weeks between each release, but then only being allowed a degrading sham orgasm is a huge point in itself.
I’m being deliberately unnuanced here. Of course there are men who have different needs and wants - for real, not just playful complaining during sex. But that’s where the health of your relationship comes into play. If the relationship is healthy and based on mutual love and respect, you will soon enough discover that this isn’t working, either because he tells you or because you just sense it. And then you work it out.
So if your man appears happy most of the time, and continues to serve you eagerly, I wouldn’t worry about a little complaining when he is frustrated. On the contrary, I’d enjoy my power over him and remind him again and again of the old FLR/femdom aphorism:
One year, before I was locked permanently, @mrs–edge only allowed me a few orgasms, and ruined each one at the last second. Fifteen months, and it was excruciating! 🥵
Holding the Key Is the Easy Part: A Keyholder’s Practical Guide to Chastity
If your husband asked you to lock him, and asked you to keep control of the key, then congratulations.
You are a keyholder.
That is the whole definition. A keyholder holds the key. There is nothing deeper hiding in the word.
But here is what nobody tells you on day one.
Holding the key is the easy part.
Holding the authority behind it is the actual job.
This guide is about that job.
What a Keyholder Actually Signs Up For
The lock is simple. You can buy it online and have it on him by the weekend.
What changes is everything around the lock.
A caged man behaves differently. He thinks differently. He looks at you differently. And most women are handed the key with zero instructions on what to do with the man attached to it.
That is not your failure. Nobody taught you.
So let us fix that.
Anyone can hold the key. The real job is everything under the surface.
Before You Take the Key
Here is the first hard truth, and it is the one that saves the most relationships.
A cage does not create submission. It magnifies what is already there.
If he already wants to submit to you, the cage deepens it. If he does not, no amount of plastic will manufacture it out of thin air. (Read – Thinking a Chastity Cage Will Fix Your Relationship?)
So before the lock clicks shut, talk.
Agree on what being locked actually means in your home. Agree on how he signals you the moment something feels physically wrong. (Read – The Importance of Consent in a Female Led Relationship)
And one piece of plain safety, because this is a practical guide and not a fantasy.
A cage should never cause pain, numbness, cuts, or swelling. If it does, it comes off immediately, no discussion. A cage that hurts is the wrong size, not a sign of his devotion. Pain was never the point.
You Do Not Need to Become Someone Else
Forget the costume. The real keyholder just leads as herself.
Before we go any further, let me name the thing you are probably feeling and have not said out loud.
Fear.
“What if I do this wrong?”
“What if I disappoint him?”
“What if I am not dominant enough?”
“What if he expects me to become someone I am not?”
These fears are incredibly common. Almost every woman handed the key feels at least one of them.
So relax.
You do not have to become some leather-clad dominatrix with an endless script and a cruel streak. You do not have to perform dominance. You do not have to copy women from porn. You do not have to become cruel.
The version of you he already loves is almost certainly the woman he wants holding the key.
If you are naturally nurturing, lead that way.
If you are playful, lead that way.
If you are strict, lead that way.
Authenticity creates far more devotion than acting ever will. (Read – Stepping Into Your Power: A Gentle Guide for Women Curious About FLR)
Understanding the Caged Man
Now the part most women are unprepared for.
He is locked. He is in contact with that cage every minute of the day. His most intimate part is held by something only you can open.
Every unwanted erection presses against the cage and reminds him, again, that you are the one in control.
So he becomes more submissive than you expected. Faster than you expected. He starts looking at you the way he looks at the women in his fantasies.
“She can open this whenever she wants. Or never.”
That is the thought living in his head now.
And you may have no idea how to respond to this sudden shift. This is exactly where many women stumble. Not because they did anything wrong. Because no one warned them that a caged man becomes the most attentive version of himself almost overnight. (Read – What Men Think They Want in FLR vs. What They Actually Need)
Do not waste that.
The Cage Creates a Honeymoon Phase
When the fireworks calm down, nothing is broken. The honeymoon just became a marriage.
A warning about what comes next, so it does not catch you off guard.
In the beginning, he may become unbelievably attentive.
He brings you tea.
He cleans everything.
He answers the second you call.
He looks at you like you personally invented oxygen.
Enjoy every bit of it.
But understand that this intensity naturally settles with time. That is not the dynamic failing. That is the dynamic becoming normal.
Both of you arrive with quiet expectations. He assumes that once locked, you will suddenly turn dominant overnight. You assume that once locked, he will magically stay obedient forever.
Neither of those is how it works.
Long-term chastity is not built on constant excitement.
It is built on habits.
So when the fireworks of the first few weeks calm down, do not panic and think “He has changed back, something is wrong.” Nothing is wrong. The honeymoon simply became a marriage.
Don’t Let His Horniness Go to Waste
He is horny. He is alert. He is listening to you more carefully than he has in years.
I am not telling you to perform some cruel fantasy for him.
I am telling you to use the attention.
Give him tasks. Train him. Let that focused energy run your errands, your chores, your mornings. A locked man who makes the chai before you ask is not a small thing. That is the dynamic quietly settling into ordinary life. (Read – Daily Rituals That Reinforce FLR)
Remember the principle underneath all of this.
Dominating him is about reducing your responsibilities, not adding to them.
A Little Tease and Denial Goes a Long Way
You do not need hour-long sessions of him worshipping your feet while you edge him all evening. Do that if you enjoy it. But you do not have to.
A little goes very far.
Whisper something filthy in his ear and walk away. Let him catch one glimpse, then cover up. Or, even more fun, let him see nothing at all. Step out of your bath and tell him to turn around and face the wall while you change.
He will go crazy. (Read – The Importance of Tease and Denial in Male Chastity)
Here is the math of it.
Tease and denial is not more effort. It is a tiny investment that pays back a hundred times over.
You Do Not Owe Him Perfect Fairness
An orgasm is not a salary he earns on a fixed date.
Sooner or later, every keyholder asks the same nervous question.
“How do I know when to let him cum?”
New keyholders go hunting for a formula. Three days. Seven days. Thirty days. They treat it like a sum they are terrified to get wrong.
Forget formulas.
An orgasm is not a salary he earns. It is not owed on a fixed date. Sometimes you will release him sooner than he hoped. Sometimes much later. Sometimes for no reason except that you felt like it.
And here is the part that should take the pressure off you completely.
Consistency matters far less than intention.
A man mentally locked on day three is more yours than a man white-knuckling his way to day ninety while you have quietly forgotten he is caged. The number was never the achievement. His headspace is. (Read – The Joy of Denial)
He does not need perfect fairness from you.
He needs to know you are paying attention.
He needs attention, not mathematics.
Miss Sana
You Are Allowed to Forget About the Cage
Many wives secretly worry, “Am I supposed to tease him every single day?”
No.
Life happens. Children happen. Work happens. Periods happen. Stress happens.
Some weeks the cage will be central to everything. Some weeks it will barely get mentioned. Both are completely normal.
Remember the order of things.
The cage serves your relationship. Your relationship does not serve the cage.
So many wives exhaust themselves trying to “perform” the dynamic every waking hour, and they burn out. You do not have to.
There is only one thing to protect.
He should never feel alone in this. He should know that you fully acknowledge the cage is there, and that he is doing real, submissive work by handing his orgasms over to you.
He can go a week without being teased.
He must never feel that you forgot.
Chastity Is Mental, Not Physical
Like a wedding ring, the cage does not trap him. It reminds him.
Here is the truth the cage advertisements will never print.
Unless he is wearing a piercing-anchored cage, that lock cannot physically stop him. He can slip out, do as he pleases, and slip right back in.
So what is actually keeping him?
He is.
Which means the cage was never the real tool. His headspace is.
And guess who controls his headspace. You do.
Because men do not think with their brain. They think with their dicks. Harsh, but true. I used to believe there were exceptions. Years of doing this cured me of that belief.
When his head is in the right place, the lock means everything. When it is not, the lock is just an accessory.
You cannot force that headspace into him. He has to want to hand it to you. (Read – Submission Is Offered, Not Extracted)
Keeping him there, in that surrendered, focused, devoted state, is the most important work a keyholder ever does.
Trust Him, Don’t Babysit Him
Two things trip women up here. Both come down to trust.
First, hygiene. This is not optional.
A cage should come off at least once a day. Not once a week. Not once every fourteen days. Not once every two days. Every single day.
He pees through that cage. Residue collects. Sweat collects. Sorry to put these images in your head, but you need to understand exactly why it matters for his health.
And no, I am not going to tell you to stand there inspecting him while he cleans. That adds to your workload, and your job is to shrink it.
Trust him to clean himself. Trust him to be honest.
The same rule covers his slips. If his horny dick gets the better of him and he strokes one out, your rule is simple. He tells you. Every time. The correction does not need to be theatrical. Your disappointment is usually punishment enough for a man who genuinely cares about pleasing you. (Read – Key to keeping him obedient)
Because here is the line I want you to keep.
If he cannot be trusted to keep himself clean and tell you the truth about his own hand, he does not need a Dom. He needs a babysitter. A man worth keyholding is a man you can trust without watching him. (Read – What is a Well-Trained Slave?)
Emotional Aftercare
One last thing the guides almost never mention. Aftercare. And I do not mean the sexual kind. I mean the emotional kind.
Chastity does strange things to a man’s feelings.
Sometimes he becomes frustrated. Sometimes embarrassed. Sometimes oddly emotional, unusually affectionate, or suddenly very needy. And often he cannot explain to you why.
Here is what is happening. Locking him does not only concentrate his desire. It amplifies his emotions right along with it.
In those moments, a little reassurance and affection go much further than punishment. A hand on his cheek. A few warm words. Letting him know he is doing well, and that he is yours. (Read – Vulnerability in Female Led Relationship)
Control and care are not opposites. The best keyholders hold both.
Final Thoughts
Being a keyholder is fun. It is also a growth journey, for both of you.
You will not learn all of it on the first day, or even in the first month. That slow unfolding is exactly what makes this beautiful.
But be warned.
There is rarely a way back from this road. Once you have held this kind of control, and watched what it does to him, the old version of your relationship quietly stops being enough. (Read – My Slave After 4 Years of Training)
The cage will not do the work for you.
The key in your hand is not the power. What you do with the man wearing it, is.
"Oh... thanks!," he said, doing his best to feign excitement when he opened the gift she'd brought for him. Honestly, he had no idea what it even was much less what he'd use it for.
Giggling at his obvious confusion and his sweet attempt at politeness, she teased, "Don't you love it? Isn't it just perfect?"
"Uhhh... yeah! Sure, it... it's great...."
Grinning and giving him a playful nudge, mercifully she finally put him out of his awkward misery. "Sweetie, it's a holder for your phone! You know, so like if you're in bed and you want to watch something on your phone but don't want to hold it? You just clip this end to your bed and... tada! You can enjoy your phone hands-free!"
"Ahhh, gotcha! Cool! Thanks!," he said, this time with more enthusiasm. He still really had no idea when or why he'd ever use it, but at least now he knew what it was, and it was thoughtful of her to give it to him.
"I know, not what you were expecting. But, I'm sure it'll come in handy more often than you think," she said with a playful smile.
*************
Hours later, after securing the last restraint that left him naked, spread, and tied to his bed she purred, "There we go, perfect."
For a moment she simply gazed down at him, the expression on her face becoming more mischievous. More wicked. More predatory.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "Uhhh, babe? Is... is everything ok?"
Laughing softly, she purred, "Everything's just fine sweetie. I was just thinking, I think we'll do something a little different tonight."
"Oh? And... what's that?"
"You'll see baby, you just stay right where you are," she replied with a wink.
A few moments later she returned, carrying both his phone and the holder she'd gifted him earlier.
"Finger please?," she said innocently.
She took his hand, extended his index finger and pressed it up against the phone. "Voila!," she said with a smile when it immediately unlocked.
"Umm, baby?? What are you doing??", he asked nervously.
Rolling her eyes, she dismissively said, "Oh please, seriously? If I wanted all of your deep, dark secrets to be revealed to me do you honestly think I'd snoop on your phone? Sweetie, we both know I have ways to make you talk anytime I want that are way more fun than that."
In a softer, more seductive voice she continued, "Why would I ever deprive myself the pleasure of slowly... excruciatingly... tortuously... drawing each and every secret from your poor quivering lips by snooping? Hmm?"
Grinning at the look on his face, she winked and added, "Which I will do eventually by the way, but not tonight. Tonight I'm just adding an innocent little app to add to your phone. All of your naughty secrets will stay safely tucked away."
A few moments and finger swipes later she announced, "There we go, all done. Perfect. Just give me a minute baby, almost ready."
He looked at her with a confused expression, but given his restraints what else could he do other than wait? He watched as she attached the end of the holder to the headboard, inserted the phone into the bracket, then extended the adjustable cable so the phone was positioned just in front of him.
"There, how's that?," she asked. "Can you see that okay?"
Lookng up at it he said, "Yeah? I guess?," clearly confused why there was any need for his phone at all given the position he was in and what he was assuming was about to happen??
"Awesome," she said.
He looked on, eyes locked on to her every move as she then began slowly undoing buttons. Revealing curves. Letting fabric fall away. Calmly. Confidently. As if she had all the time in the world.
As she slowly continued letting her clothes fall away at an excruciating pace she began talking about his stories. His writing. How much she enjoyed them.
It was true. He knew she enjoyed them but he never tired of hearing her say it. It was incredibly flattering to him. Plus, the fact that she seemed to be turned on by the same things as him was ultra hot for him.
"Really, I love them so much baby. Some of them drive me absolutely crazy. I mean, sometimes by the time I finish reading I'm so turned on.... I'm a total, dripping mess...."
"My goddd...," he moaned.
"... and all I want to do is.... I probably shouldn't say..."
With wide eyes, he exclaimed, "Please... tell me! I want to know!..."
Walking slowly from the foot of his bed toward the head, she allowed her hand to trail up along his leg, along his chest, and then along the length of his bound, outstretched arm.
As she did, she purred, "It makes me want to.... tie you to the bed... so that I can do as I please with you... and make you pay for making my pussy so fucking wet..."
She chuckled at his whimper, making her way onto the bed and straddling his waist. Gazing down at him, her fingers trailing over his chest, she continued, "... and, I've decided that's exactly what I'm going to do tonight. Do you understand, baby?"
Nodding his head, with his mind reeling he swallowed hard and softly replied, "Yes... I do."
"Mmm, good boy," she murmured approvingly. Reaching back behind herself, her hand found his already excited cock and began to softly stroke. Caress. Tease. Making it stiffen even more with need.
A subtle smirk formed on her face as already his mouth had fallen open and eyes were glazing over.
"I really do love reading your stories baby, so much... but, do you know what I think I'd love even more?," she asked.
Gazing up at her, he shook his head. "No?"
Leaning forward, she touched her soft lips to his ear, her warm breath making him quiver. She whispered, "If you were to read them to me instead. I think that would be so much fun and sooo hot, don't you?"
She smiled knowingly as he seemed to be temporarily rendered speechless. Seductivly, she continued murmuring in his ear.
"Think about it... as you're reading my favorite stories to me... I can be doing whatever I want... teasing your cock... making myself cum... whatever I please... and all the while I'll still be able to enjoy your hot, sexy stories that drive me wild... it's perfect baby."
"My god....," he groaned, his mind still trying to wrap itself around what was happening.
In a mischievous voice, she purred, "I think we could really bring your stories to life... imagine if I were doing to you what the woman is doing to the guy in your story, hmm?... I think that we could really bring the desperation... the frustration... the suffering that the poor men in your stories have to endure to life, don't you?"
"Baby...," he whimpered.
She laughed softly, well aware he was pondering trying to talk her out of this. Instead, gazing down at him she calmly said, "You do realize we're going to do this, don't you? That this is going to happen?"
Then, with a grin she glanced up at his phone that now hovered overhead. "I mean look, we have all the equipment and everything. Oh, and the little app I installed on your phone? It's an autoscroll app, so once the story begins it won't be a problem for you that you're.... well, all tied up."
Smiling at that look of both resignation and acceptance on his face, she purred, "It's going to be sooo hot baby, I can hardly wait. And you wouldn't want to disappoint me, would you? After all that I've done to get everything ready for us?"
Shaking his head, he replied, "Of course not."
"Mmm, very good... well then, shall we get started?"
***********
They were now on the third story that she'd chosen for him to read to her and she was absolutely loving it, even way more than she ever imagined!
His body was trembling, voice was quivering, and his cock was exquisitely engorged, steely hard with need. Maddeningly, her soft hand that by now had him skillfully trapped right at the edge was often mirroring what was happening in the story, bringing his words to life in ways that he never could have imagined.
When he finished reading the story he was panting softly, chest heaving, hips writhing. Wickedly she gave his cock three more quick, firm strokes that made him gasp but then immediately pulled her hand away, leaving it to bob back and forth in the air. Untouched and frustrated.
"That was so good baby, I love that one. Catch your breath sweetie, and then I'll pick out the next one for you." A few moments later she'd navigated to another story on his blog and had it queued up and ready to go for him to read.
She fought back a smirk when his eyes widened when he realized which one she'd chosen. "Nooo," he whimpered softly. "Please? Not that one? Please, pick something else??"
Innocently, she purred, "Why? I'm not sure I remember what happens in this one. Let's find out. Let's do this one. We'll at least start it, but if it's not one of my favorites then I'll choose another one, okay?"
"Okay," he whimpered in resignation.
As he began to read she stretched out alongside of him. Silky thigh draped over him. Warm breasts pressing into his side. Soft lips grazing along his neck and ear.
Well aware of exactly where this story was heading she began turning the heat up on him even more. Her tongue softly tracing and swirling his ear. Hips grinding against him. Voice purring with lust. His body was beginning to shake and his voice quivering so much he could barely continue reading aloud l.
That's when with mock innocence she purred in his ear, interrupting, "Baby wait... is this the one where she uses her lips... and her tongue... and her mouth on him?"
"Yesss...," he replied softly.
"Mmm, and she really works him over? Like big time, right? So by the time she finishes having her way with him his poor cock is an aching, dripping mess?"
"Yesss," he whimpered in a soft, pitiful voice.
"Yeahhh, that sounds familiar now," she cooed. "Remind me, does she let him cum at the end?"
"No," he whispered softly.
"No? She doesn't?," she purrs innocently. "So she gets him all worked up and then leaves him like that? All achy and frustrated?"
"Yes," he whispered in a barely audible voice.
"Mmm, that's hot. Baby, you have the absolute best ideas for your stories. Keep reading sweetie, we're definitely going to finish this one."
She smirked to herself at his barely audible little whimper when as he began reading about how the woman began to slowly descend down his body she began to do to he same. "Keep reading sweetie," she murmured. "And take your time, I love this part."
The more he read aloud about the erotic, merciless, sensual oral assault on the defenseless cock of the man in his story the more he was left with no choice but to endure the exact same torment himself. She chuckled to herself with wicked delight at the incoherent sounds coming from him, sometimes tossing in teasing little comments just for fun.
"Like that baby?," she purred softly, her tongue softly swirling around the head before her lips began placing soft, lingering kisses on the ultra sensitive underside. "Is that what happens? Is that what she does to him?"
The more his cock was being sensually ravished by her mouth and tongue the more he began to lose focus and struggle to keep his place. That was when to his dismay he heard her mumur, "Honey no, you keep messing that part up. Just relax and focus sweetie, okay?"
"Okay, I'll try," he panted.
"Good, thank you. Now, let's go back. To the very beginning of that section. You know, where she gives his cock that first little kiss before she really starts in on him? Start over from there baby."
Grinning as he whimpered, "Oh my god...," she teasingly purred, "Do it baby."
By the time he eventually finished reading his cock was like a leaky faucet, unable to stem the steady flow of weeping precum. His balls so full his head lolled mindlessly from side to side on his pillow from how desperately he ached for release.
She gazed down at him with an expression of both smoldering lust and wicked satisfaction at what she had done to him. Reaching down she gently gathered up his balls in the soft warmth of her hand, as if weighing them.
"These are so heavy," she murmured. "So full... you have so much cum built up for me, don't you baby?"
"Yesss... they ache so much. Please? Please let me cum??"
She involuntarily traced her lip with her tongue as her finger swirled slowly around the head, toying with the glistening precum.
"... and your cock," she continued in a husky mood whisper. "It's so hard... so hot... does it ache too, sweetie?"
"Yesss....," he whimpered.
"Oh honey, you poor thing," she cooed. "Then how about during the next story I'll just leave it alone. I won't touch it at all, that way you can have a little break?"
In a weak, pitiful voice he suggested, "Maybe you could just let me cum now? Then I could read some more??"
Laughing softly, she replied, "No, I don't think so. Maybe, when we're all done. We'll see. But until then, let's keep you like this. It's so much hotter this way."
After selecting the next story she settled in astride him, straddling his stomach. Shortly after he began to read she let out a soft purr, leaning forward slightly so that her soft, full breasts were gently thrusted a little closer to him. His eyes were drawn away from the phone, his words stopping as he watched the way she cupped her breasts. Holding them. Fondling them. Toying with and teasing her nipples.
With a knowing smirk, she murmured, "Baby no, don't look at me. Don't look at my tits. Look at your phone. Just keep reading."
With a whimper of frustration he forced himself to look away and continued reading. Moments later, the soft, erotic sounds coming from her were even more filled with pleasure. To his surprise, she then cooed, "Keep reading baby, I'll be right back. I'm not going anywhere."
She rose from the bed and returned a moment later, straddling him once more as she set a small bag down on the bed next to herself. Reaching in she pulled out a small vibrator and laid it on his chest between her parted thighs. Then a second. And then a third. Essentially repurposing his trembling chest into her own personal toy tray.
Gazing down at him, she innocently asked, "You don't mind if I lay those there, do you sweetie?"
"No," he moaned softly, his mind reeling at what was happening.
"Good, thank you baby. Now, just keep reading. Don't let me distract you..."
Shortly after he resumed reading he heard the soft hum of a vibrator, followed by a throaty purr of pleasure. Feeling on the brink of a meltdown he whined, "Babyyy... please?? I give up... I can't take anymore of this..."
"Shhh," she moaned. "Just read. I'm not going to cum, not yet...."
For the remainder of the story she continued gently pleasuring herself. Moaning. Edging. Bringing herself close. Her creamy wetness dripping down on to him, making his skin glisten with feminine arousal.
By the time he finished reading the story not only did he look nearly broken with longing, but she was also on fire with her own need for release, finally having reached her own limit.
He looked up at her with a look of pleading, helpless, desperation in his eyes. "Please?? No more... I ache so bad. I need to cum... I need it so bad... please??"
Sympathetically, she soothingly stroked his forehead. "I know baby, I know you do. I do too now. Just one more story. That's all, I promise. Then we'll be all done."
Taking a moment, she scrolled through his blog, studying it carefully until finally she stopped. "There.... there we go. That's the one," she purred. "Read this one to me."
When he looked up and realized which one she'd picked his mouth fell open, the expression of helpless disbelief on his price utterly priceless. "Baby no," he whispered, "No, no.... not that one...."
"Mmm, yes baby.... that's the one I want."
"Nooo... please...," he whimpered.
"But I've been looking forward to this one all night. I've been saving it... for the end." Her voice was so seductive, so wicked, and so taunting that his body quivered at her words.
"Oh god," he moaned.
He knew this story all too well. It was one of the most popular stories on his blog. In this story, once the seductive temptress had edged her helplessly bound captive to his breaking point, she repeatedly assured him she would put him out of his agony and grant him his much needed releaase. Next time.
Except, not only did she deny him each and every time, but when he was too close to be able to safely edge even one more time instead of bringing him to orgasm she instead slipped a chastity device over his defenseless, desperately needy cock, locking it into place.
Leaving him caged. Unrelieved. Dripping. Aching. Frustrated.
And for the coup de grâce, she then straddled his head, lowering her soft, dripping folds onto his face. Riding his mouth and tongue to orgasm after orgasm. Leaving him to listen to her cries of pleasure. The feeling of her thighs quivering around him. Overwhelming his senses with her heat, scent, and softness. And not stopping until her own insatiable lusts had been satisfied.
Finally, after lifting herself from him, his face drenched in her creamy wetness, the key to his cage nestled between her still gently heaving breasts, she gazed down at him and purred, "There... now... now we're all done, baby."
So now, in a voice that almost conveyed a sense of panic, he pleaded, "Baby please, not this one?... pick another one??... please??"
Looking down at him with her eyes sparkling mischievously, she teased, "Shhh, just read baby. Who knows? Maybe I'll let you cum before you finish it? What do you think?"
"I don't know," he whimpered, provoking a chuckle from her.
"I bet I will. I bet I'll make you cum so fucking hard. I bet I'll make your poor, aching cock explode... don't you?"
"I don't knowww...," he whined weakly.
"Well I guess we'll just have to wait and see how the story ends to find out, won't we?," she teased. "Just start reading, I can hardly wait to find out what happens."
As he resumed reading, his unsteady voice quivering, her soft hand encircled him once more. Fingers swirling. Petting. Teasing. Stroking. Provoking anguished whimpers of pleasure and desperation as she coaxed him close to yet another orgasm that he would be denied.
She smiled as he let out a weak, tormented moan of frustration when her hand abandoned him once again. Softly, she teased, "Aww, did you want more?... did you wanna cum?... next time baby... next time I won't stop..."
When his words resumed with a whimper she reached into her bag, pulled out a chastity device, and laid it on his trembling chest. "Oh my god....," he moaned.
Smiling, she murmured, "Just keep reading, you're doing fine. You can go as slow as you like, but sooner or later we're going to get to the end.... and when we do? Mmm, well I can hardly wait to see how this one ends, how about you?"
A girl doesn’t feel like playing all the time and chastity gets sort of ruined if you let him out every time you don’t feel very frisky. On the other side of the spectrum, simply ignoring him while in chastity is actually the most cruel, effective punishment for a locked man who is not behaving or who is constantly breaking your rules.
So what do you do to get through the dead spots (for me it’s mostly if I’m really tired, stressed or busy) without being neglectful? After three or so years of playing this game with my wonderful husband, I’ve observed the following about the two of us and extrapolated it to apply to everyone since everyone else is exactly like us, I’m sure.
Part of the magic of chastity play is that the male, who usually has the higher sex drive, is “playing” 24/7. He’s eating, sleeping, going to work, everything really with his penis locked up. Any stray sexual thought quickly reminds him about the game he’s playing. His keyholder probably has a lower libido but that’s okay because she just has to give him the occasional nudge to keep him at a full simmer. A little bit of attention on the days when you just don’t feel very playful will keep him happy and from feeling neglected until you’re a little more enthusiastic and ready to turn the heat up to a full boil.
Here are some of my tips for low maintenance chastity play. I try to make sure I do some combination of these every day when the nub is locked up. They take hardly any time, and I know they make him feel loved. They’re little things that get magnified in his mind by the cage.
Fondle his balls every day. Ideally once in the morning and once at night. No matter how busy or tired I am, I can always find two minutes in bed to do this. I don’t even have to remove the CB. Our sleep schedules are a little different. He’s a night owl and I’m a morning person, but that doesn’t stop us. When I’m going to bed I just whisper in his ear that I want to see him in the bedroom. He never says no! I fondle his poor trapped balls for a few minutes (two to five is plenty) and then say good night. He can go back to his computer after that. If I feel like kissing a bit, I can do that, but if I don’t I just tell him to lie there and keep still while I “play with my nub” I wake up before he does in the mornings too. But he never seems to mind if I wake him up by playing with his balls! Again, just a few minutes. Enough to get a groan or two out of him and then I go take my shower or get my breakfast.
Remind him of his situation. Of course he already knows he’s locked up and you have the key, but reminding him lets him know you’re thinking about him. You haven’t forgotten about him, you’re just waiting for the right time to make use of him. I’ll walk by him in the kitchen, give him a quick squeeze in front and ask “how is my nub doing? Still all locked up?” Or I might just say “being a keyholder is fun.” Or “Aren’t you lucky to have such a fabulous keyholder?” I’ve noticed that the more out-of-the-blue the comment is the bigger the impact it has on him. If he’s not really thinking about sex or expecting me to be thinking about it, mentioning his chastity jolts his libido into high gear.
Take possession of his (your!) nub. Get in the habit of referring to his cock and balls as yours. Kiss him and ask “how is my nub doing down there?” Or while sitting on the couch fast forwarding through a commercial with your Tivo, casually ask him “Are you taking good care of my nub darling? One of these days I’m sure I’ll want to play with it.” If you get in this habit, then just a few words here and there add to his excitement and keep him happy and horny.
Turn routine requests into chastity play - for example talk about it in terms of ‘points’ . Instead of asking him to pick up a gallon of milk on his way home, text him “Your keyholder wants to you pick up a gallon of milk on the way home.” Or say “a neck rub would earn you some much needed nub points.” Creating the fantasy that you are holding his release hostage to your whims is pretty powerful. Keep it fantasy and don’t abuse it (very much). Back rubs and foot rubs are nice even when I don’t feel very amorous, but they’re still physical things and he really likes it when I tie them to his chastity.
Take chastity seriously. Don’t leave the key laying around or act like it’s no big deal if he gets out before you’re ready to release him. Do surprise “inspections” to make sure he’s still locked up. Ask him if he’s tried to get out, or tried to get at the key without permission. Use a no-nonsense manner to let him know it’s important to you that he only get out of his chastity device when you want him out. Every once in a while mention you’d someday like to get a more secure device. That keeps him from starting to doubt your commitment to the game when you haven’t seriously teased him for a while. Remember that’s he’s committed 24/7. The whole idea is he can’t check out of the game until you let him, so reminding him that you’re still in it helps.
Muse about the length of his lockup. Sometimes I’ll tell him that I’ve decided to let him out the next weekend, then the next night tell him I’ve changed my mind and I don’t know when I’ll let him out. Sometimes I’ll tell him I’ve been wondering how long I should leave him locked up and just leave it at that. Tell him how you are noticing the benefits. No further information, just that I was thinking about it. I’ll ask him if he thinks he could go six months, or a year. If he asks if I’m planning to keep him locked up that long, I’ll just shrug and say “maybe.” It’s another verbal tease that takes very little energy from me but amps him up.
None of those things take much time or energy from me. They’re easy to do on days when I’m stressed or tired or just not feeling very sexual. And they keep him feeling loved and cared for. I’ve really gotten into the habit of doing them. So much that I usually keep doing them even when he isn’t locked up. That’s not really a problem, but if he wakes up to my hand on his balls and he’s not locked up, I’m not getting out of bed without finishing what I started! Of course that just makes his lockups even more delightful for both of us.
More Teasing Ideas
The big changes that you must make in yourself to make a chastity relationship work is to commit to frequently teasing him, like you no doubt did when you first dated, and to having much more frequent sex yourself.
Teasing does not need to be a time-consuming activity. There are almost an infinite number of ways that you can tease him, both physically and verbally. Every woman needs to develop her own style. You can keep things fresh by continuing to experiment. It may seem like a lot of work sometimes, but he will shower you with attention. The hardest thing will be getting that much attention again.
There are some basic teasing ideas in the 101 article above. Find more low maintenance examples for how you can tease him here:
Be physical, give him lots of kisses and hugs throughout the day. Grab his crotch.
Ask him to give you a full-body massage.
You can wear sexy clothes around him, for example miniskirts, yoga pants or whatever clothes he really likes. When you’re home you can walk around just in your underwear – I promise you he won’t be able to take his eyes off you!
Conversation takes very little energy and allows you to increase his arousal without having to do anything. Telling him what you like about his predicament, letting him know how much you appreciate what he has done to become a better spouse, partner, friend, and lover. Let him know how his being chaste turns you on, if seeing him struggle to get erect entertains you let him know. Maybe you find his penis cuter when it’s all small and locked, or you enjoy his not being able to touch himself, whatever it is communicate it. You should also not forget that all those things that used to drive you crazy like porn and ogling young girls can now be used against him. There is nothing like knowing that the chastity tube is really biting as his favourite eye candy passes by. The beauty of a good chastity device is that not only does it prevent him from getting an erection and masturbating but that the device is always working for you, and you should let him know how happy it makes you.
You can tease him about his lock-up time, for example you could say things such as “it’s so hot that you can’t touch your penis, I don’t think I will ever let you masturbate again”, “your penis looks so sexy when it’s locked, I think I’ll keep it like that for a bit longer”, “these balls don’t look full enough yet, let’s wait a bit more” – and then when you finally let him ejaculate you can follow up with “oh not much came out, I think next time you need to wait longer”. Remind him that he’d better be good if he wants to be unlocked.
Play around with his locked genitals whenever you get the chance. For example, when he sits next to you, simply squeeze or slap his balls. When locked, he will want his balls ‘slapped’, not'stroked’. Use a flat hand and start slowly, building up intensity. Even better, use a bonger (massage ball with handle) or riding crop. Tell him at the start you want to reach 100. This is great teasing play because it takes a couple of minutes max and then you can say goodnight!
Or you could give him a very frustrating “blowjob” with the chastity device still attached – teasing him orally while locked will drive him crazy like nothing else.
Pinch / twist his nipples. Men’s nipples are almost 5x more sensitive than female nipples. With his cock locked, his nipples will heighten in sensitivity further. You may have even noticed they stiffen or harden more quickly or for longer than usual. Play with them by using nipple clamps, clothespins or even just by pinching and squeezing. Be careful, some locked males have been known to cum from just nipple play alone!
Give a man an orgasm and he’ll forget it in a moment – deny him the same orgasm and he’ll never stop thinking about it. You can unlock him and allow him to masturbate or give him a handjob – however, at any point (especially effective just before he is about to finish), you can “change your mind”. Kindly tell him “let’s save it for later” or “that’s all for now”. You may find that you have to ice down his penis to get back in the tube!
Tell him to go down on you while he is locked in his chastity device.
One of the things I hear from so many women in our community is the quiet struggle of mismatched sex drives. You love your partner, the relationship is otherwise solid, but over time — especially after kids, stress, careers, or just the long haul of marriage — your desire for sex drops while his stays high (or vice versa, though that’s less common in the stories I read). The result? Pressure, guilt, resentment, and that slow drift where intimacy starts to feel like a chore instead of a connection.
My husband and I hit this wall too. For years we had a healthy sex life, but life got busy and my libido naturally ebbed. He was understanding, but I could see the frustration building — the subtle initiations, the porn use he thought I didn’t notice, the way it created distance even when we weren’t arguing about it. When he gently brought up chastity, I was sceptical. It sounded like something from a very different world. But after reading, talking, and a careful trial, I’ve come to see it as one of the most practical, low-drama tools for bridging that gap without anyone feeling like they’re forcing or faking it.
Addressing the Mismatch Without the Pressure
The core problem with libido differences isn’t usually a lack of love — it’s the pressure and the mismatch in timing. He wants connection and release more often; you might want it less, or only when you’re truly relaxed and in the mood. Without structure, that often leads to him pursuing, you feeling guilty or obligated, and both of you pulling away emotionally. Chastity flips the script in a surprisingly helpful way.
By taking control of his orgasms, the constant “will we or won’t we?” negotiation fades. By holding the keys, you're actively involved in his daily sex drive. Even the smallest little tickle, slap, tease of comment will create a rush of excitement. He get this glorious, steady buildup of sexual energy, dramatically increased sensitivity and his romantic / courtship hormones kick into overdrive.
On top of this, he’s not secretly 'handling' things on his own, and I’m not worrying about disappointing him or feeling like I have to perform on his schedule. Sex happens when I want it, on terms that feel good to me. And because he’s locked and denied, those moments feel more genuine and desired on both sides.
Why It Shifts His Focus Back to Courtship (The Psychological Side)
There’s a real psychological shift that happens with consistent orgasm control and denial. When a man can’t easily release through masturbation or quick sex, that sexual energy doesn’t just disappear — it gets redirected. Psychologically, the buildup of arousal without climax increases motivation, anticipation, and attentiveness. He becomes more tuned in to you because pleasing you becomes the main outlet for all that drive.
In our case, I noticed it quickly: more thoughtful gestures, better listening, spontaneous help around the house, foot rubs, massages, and enthusiastic focus on my pleasure (oral whenever I wanted, for as long as I wanted). It’s like the early dating days returned. The cage acts as a constant, gentle reminder of me and our dynamic, channeling what used to go into solo habits back into us.
For many men, the denial creates a simmering, deeply pleasant arousal that motivates positive behaviors rather than frustration. It reduces the mental load on me (no more feeling pursued when I’m not in the mood). The result is less resentment and more real connection.
Guidance for Keyholders: The Simplest, Easiest Way to Start (Without “Lock and Forget”)
If you’re considering this as a tool for your own libido mismatch, please don’t overcomplicate it or treat it like a full-time lifestyle you have to perform. The beauty is in keeping it practical and sustainable. Here’s the simplest approach that worked for us:
Start Small and Talk First: Have an honest, non-bedroom conversation. Share where your libido is at and why. Let him explain his side. Agree that this is an experiment to reduce pressure and bring back courtship — a tool, rather than a kink. Set a short trial period (a few weeks) with clear rules.
Basic Rules That Require Minimal Effort:
Default locked most of the time, with unlocks only when you decide.
No initiating cage talk or requests for release except real needs.
Focus during intimacy is on your pleasure. Unlocks don’t automatically mean his orgasm.
Stay Engaged — Don’t “Lock and Forget”: This only works if you check in. Notice and appreciate his efforts (a simple “good boy” or affectionate touch goes far). Adjust cycles based on real life — 2-3 weeks is often plenty to see benefits without plateauing; 1-5 days is not enough to get him to the peak. Tease lightly in everyday ways. The goal is mutual benefit, not neglect.
Prioritize Your Comfort: Only do what feels good to you. If your libido is low, use the dynamic to enjoy non-penetrative intimacy, massages, or service without obligation. Communicate openly outside the dynamic about how it’s affecting you both.
Your turn is your turn: Allow him to bring you to climax without the need to reciprocate.
Chastity isn’t a magic fix for every relationship issue, but for couples dealing with mismatch, it can be a compassionate, effective way to restore balance, spark, and courtship without guilt or constant negotiation. It helped us turn a point of tension into something that makes us feel closer and more tuned in to each other.
If you’re in this spot, you’re not alone — and you don’t have to become someone you’re not to try it. Start gentle, stay practical, and see how it feels for you.
I’d love to hear from other women who’ve used this (or similar tools) to navigate libido differences. What worked for you?
This is a real thing, at least in the realms of Chastity and energy.
It's so interesting, because if you truly neglected your man, your marriage is going to go downhill. Truly.
But Chastity isn't neglect. It's far more focus attention, it just happens to have the polarity of power and submission in it, and light and dark energies. Please feminine and masculine energies. So there isn't any neglect.
I've put him in chastity during stressful times, thinking I'll take a break and get my feet under me. Essentialy saying, I'll ignore him, or neglect him while I'm in this time.
But, and this always makes me smile, when he's locked, I'm way more interested in play, teasing, and denying. So I never neglect, even if I'm really tired, because even when I'm really tired, and going to bed... I turn that into a short tease and denia session.
For the new Dommes out there who just don’t know where to start, or have trouble thinking of ways to project dominance, here are some fairly tame ideas you can use to get things going, and have him submit to you. As the Domme, you set the pace, so take your time and keep it fun.
Start out with a few that you like and see how he responds to them. When you feel comfortable proceeding, add others and come up with your own ideas. If you really enjoy any of them and want them to continue, make it into a rule.
1. Order him to massage your feet with foot lotion, anytime you please.
2. You decide when it’s time for him to get a haircut. He never gets one without your permission.
3. Whenever going out together, you decide who drives.
4. Sneak up to him randomly and slip a blindfold, or a hood on him. It stays on until you remove it.
5. As your sub, he should be pleasing to the eye. Any clothing he wears must be approved by you. Make him give to charity anything that you don’t approve of or cut them up into dust rags.
6. Protect him from any critisism from others. As his domme, only you are allowed to critisize him.
7. Randomly order him to stay in his pyjamas for the entire day. Everybody likes to stay in their pyjamas all day once in a while when nothing’s going on but it’s a little different if your are forbidden to get dressed. Make him your pyjama boy for a day.
8. Teach him that you value his input when making decisions, but final decisions are yours to make, alone.
9. He is to greet you at the door everytime you come home to him. Anything you purchased, he will fetch from the vehicle. You only carry your purse into the house, or make him carry it in as well.
10. Make it a habit to grab a handfull of his hair and gently tug it whenever you kiss him.
11. Teach him to always communicate with you in a submissive manner. He never interrupts you whenever you speak. However, you may interrupt him anytime you please, and he must be quiet instantly and listen whenever you do. Never allow him to use sarcasm, ever. He follows all conversation and never tries to change the subject. He never raises his voice at you for any reason. Keep a ballgag handy to punish any improper communication.
12. Have him go down on you, anytime, anywhere you please.
13. Create a no standing rule for urination in your home. If at any time you decide that a toilet isn’t clean enough for your standards, he must scrub it immediately, anytime day or night.
14. Whenever he enters your vehicle, he needs your permission to exit it. He doesn’t ask. If you leave the vehicle he just sits and waits unless you tell him “come along dear’ or something similar.
15. Randomly order him to get naked immediately, and he will need your permission to get dressed again.
16. Are there any words that annoy you? Tell him to never use that word, ever again. Make him keep a list of them and anytime you hear him say a word you don’t like, make him add it to the list. You can make him choose another word to replace it, or you can insist he uses a specific word.
17. Only you may initiate mouth kissing. If he wants to kiss you, make him kiss your hand, or foot. You decide if it leads to mouth kissing.
18. As his Domme, you deserve to have his complete undivided attention, so make him keep his eyes on you whenever you speak. If he looks away, stop what you are saying, grab his chin and turn his face back towards yourself and say “EYES ON ME WHEN I’M SPEAKING” in a firm but gentle voice, and pick up the discussion where you left off.
If you ever feel he hasn’t been listening properly, make him repeat back to you what was said, and if he gets it wrong, make him stand with his nose in the corner to punish him. If he won’t give you his undivided attention, you shouldn’t give him any attention. This will teach him to respect you, as a proper sub never only half listens to his Domme.
19. Have him sit at your feet often. If he wants to sit beside you on the sofa, he should ask your permission. You decide if he sits beside you or at your feet.
20. When you want to do something dominant to him but can’t think of anything, just grab a chain and two padlocks and chain him to something, give him a passionate kiss, and walk away without saying a word. Ignore him (unless he is in distress) while you do whatever you want. He will feel very owned and controlled.
21. Expect him to come to you immediately when called. He shouldn’t run, but he should show a sense of urgency when approaching you. Only accept excuses if he was doing something time sensitive, for example, if he was making supper, and the food would be overcooked if he came to you immediately.
22. Use his hand as a leash in public. When you hold his hand to lead him around, he isn’t allowed to let go of your hand. If you lead him up to an object and put his hand on it, he is parked in place and isn’t allowed to let go of that object until you come back, grab his hand, and lead him away. Leading him around by the hand in public is a very subtle way to display your dominance without anybody realizing it.
23. Teach him to ask permission to be excused and explain why anytime he wants to leave your presence. Occasionally refuse permission.
24. Be physically forceful. Grab him by the throat and force him against the wall in a passionate kiss. Grab a handful of hair and pull him to where you want him. Grab his earlobe and drag him down to a kneeling position at your feet. Come up with your own ways to physically dominate him..
25. With the exception of gas, food, and gifts for you, any buying or selling will require your approval.
26. One of a submissive males greatest traits is the ability to wait patiently. Teach him by making him wait for you in various circumstances. Also teach him that keeping you waiting without a very good reason is unacceptable and punishable.
27. Write your signature on his shoulder blade or buttocks with an indelible marker. The more you train him, the more he becomes your work of art, so sign him like a painting.
28. Whether as a punishment or randomly, make him get down on the floor and give you 20 pushups.
29. Randomly lock his wrists behind his back while he is relaxing around the house. Tell him that his hands are tools to serve you, and if he isn’t using them for that purpose, they should be put away. Padded leather ones are best, especially if you plan to keep him in them for a while. Fistmitts make a great alternative and are more comfortable.
30. Teach him to do specific things(eg. housework), exactly the way you want it done, so that you can command him to do it anytime in the future. Your way is always the correct way, even if it’s not the most efficient way.
31. Whenever you plan to purchase something, have him research the best brands for price, reliability, quality, and features, giving you a list of the best top 5 to purchase. Have him give a short presentation while kneeling before you on what he’s learned.
32. Bend him over your lap and spank him whenever you like. You don’t have to hurt him. Just the act of being put over your lap will humble him, and make you feel powerful.
33. Teach him a command, or hand gesture, or both to silence him instantly. Teach him another one that lets him speak again.
34. Never allow him to eat his favorite treat (eg. chocolate) unless it comes directly from your hand. Tell him if he wants it bad enough, he may beg for it and you’ll give it to him, most times.
35. Random buttplugging. Whenever he is at home you can randomly approach him with a prelubed buttplug, and he has to bend over immediately to accept it. He’s not allowed to remove it himself.
36. Forbid him to ever say “I” or “me” when referring to himself while speaking to you in private.
37. Randomly, gently slap his face once in a while just to remind him who’s in charge. A gentle backhand is all that’s needed. It shouldn’t hurt, just humble him. Have him kiss the hand that slaps him to display his submission.
38. Make him ask permission before having an orgasm.
39. Make him ask permission before leaving home. If you aren’t home when he wants to leave, he must text you for permission. If you live apart, this applies to leaving his home as well as yours.
40. Maintenance Tickling. They say laughter is the best medicine, so medicate him with a tickle session occasionally. Tie him in place so that he is totally helpless and under your complete control. Start tickling. Your task is to keep him smiling, laughing or giggling for at least half an hour. Give him breaks between short tickling sessions, but he has to keep a smile on his face.
41. Paint his toenails. You can make him do it himself, but I guarantee it will have more of an impact on him if you grab his feet, remove his socks, and paint them yourself. After you’re done, tell him how pretty his toes are now and tell him you like the new look you have picked for him and if he removes it, he will be sorry. Make him walk around the house barefoot and show them off to you.
By doing this, you are asserting the right to control his body. It will give you a feeling of power everytime you see his painted toes, because you made it happen, and make it continue to happen. He in turn will feel submissive, because he knows you are in control of his body, moreso than him.
42. Instant Puppy. Pick a command word and a counter command word for this. Whenever you say the command word, he has to go silent immediately and get down on his hands and knees. Until you say the counter command word, he has to remain silent and keep one hand touching the floor or the ground at all times.
43. If he sleeps in your bed, he has to be chained to it. Ankle chain to the bedframe is best.
44. Control his alcohol intake. Every drink containing alcohol he consumes will have consequences. For instance, a half hour of cornertime or bent over your lap and 5 swats on the butt per drink consumed.
45. Step on his head with one foot pressing it to the floor while forcing the toes of your other foot into his mouth.
46. Lock something on his body that he can’t remove himself. It can be a collar, wristcuffs, an anklet, or just wrap a chain around his waist and padlock it there. I bought 2 ‘ring of steel’ types cuffs off of the internet and like to lock both of them on one of his wrists. The sound and feel of them rattling together as he does things around home are a constant reminder that someone else has more control over his body than he does.
47. If he doesn’t eat enough vegetables, make him eat one meal a week containing only cut up vegetables, from a bowl on the floor, without using his hands.
48. Have him suckle your breasts anytime and for as long as you wish. It feels great, and is a lovely way to bond with him.
49. Electronic leash. Use tracking software on his phone so that you know exactly where he is at all times. To ensure his phone is with him all the time, Set your own phone up to send scheduled texts that he must answer within 10 minutes.
50. Occasionally when you leave home by yourself, chain his ankles so that the whole time you are gone, he can only take slow, small steps. It will make him feel your control even when you aren’t home with him.
The Art of The Ruined Orgasm
Last night I gave my husband a ruined orgasm. A ruined orgasm is when you stop providing stimulation to you man’s cock when he starts to cum or right before he starts to cum, thereby ruining his orgasm. The man may feel a brief moment of pleasure but then it immediately vanishes leaving him frustrated. I have to admit that I get a thrill from seeing his desperation and it is even more thrilling that he thanks me afterward. He is like a puppy dog that is always happy…always wagging his tail no matter what I do. Some may consider this cruel, but even he enjoys when I ruin his orgasms because it is another form of control that he gets to experience. To him a full blown orgasm is a very special privilege that he only experiences on a rare occasions. Denying his orgasm keeps him feeling submissive and controlled. He craves this feeling and enjoys the mental game.
The thrill and arousal that I experience from his ruined orgasm is only a part of the reason I do it. I also consider the ruined orgasm a powerful tool for controlling him and keeping him obedient. The biggest advantage of a ruined orgasm is that it allows the man some release but avoids the post orgasm “slump” that most men experience after an full orgasm. The slump I am referring to is when the man loses all energy and loses interest in sex and pleasing the woman. After a ruined orgasm, many men do not experience the slump or it is very brief. My husband will often remain hard after the ruined orgasm. His level of horniness remains high as well.
Another advantage of the ruined orgasm is that it is one more tool to add to your bag of tricks for teasing and orgasm control. You can tell your man that he is allowed to orgasm and then at the moment he is about to orgasm or as soon as it starts you release his cock. Incorporating this into your T&D keeps your man guessing about what to expect. Not only will it be a mystery of when he can orgasm but now he won’t even know if it will be a full orgasm or ruined orgasm. Ruining his orgasm also prolongs his denial period. He gets some release but not a full orgasm. Therefore you can prolong the timeframe of when he is allowed a full orgasm by slipping in a few ruined orgasms.
One final benefit that I would like to point out is that it can be used as a punishment. If your man has been naughty or simply not meeting your expectations, you can announce that the next orgasm (or next 2, 3, etc.) will be ruined.
Now that I covered the purpose of the ruined orgasm, let’s go over some methods of how to ruin the orgasm. As the title of this blog indicates, it is more of an art than a science. There are many techniques and approaches to the ruined orgasm. You can get very creative with it. Each person is different and as you get to know your man’s reactions, you can adjust your techniques to maximize his teasing.
The most basic approach is to stroke his cock and then at the moment he first spurts you release his cock and let it twitch and spurt on its own. He will experience very brief pleasure at the first spurt but then once you release and there is no friction the orgasm becomes ruined and he is left frustrated. This is a good way to introduce him to the ruined orgasm. In my college days I would often do this with guys. Back then I did it more for teasing then orgasm control. It was a bit cruel I guess but I loved it. Funny thing was, the most guys would want to come back for me. I think they just never experienced a girl that paid so much attention to their cock. lol.
Another technique is to release his cock before he starts to cum. This may take some practice because you have to anticipate when the orgasm is coming. If you spend a considerable amount of time teasing your guy or if he has been denied an orgasm for a long period of time, this becomes easier to do. With my husband, I will often bring him to the edge of orgasm over and over again, stopping before he has an orgasm. I will do this for 30 or more minutes. Usually by then he is mush and can barely control himself. If I decide to go the ruined orgasm route, I will lightly stroke his cock with one or two fingers. It literally twitches and bobs as he tries to hold back his orgasm. At this point, if I gave him permission to orgasm, I could stroke with one finger and then he would shoot. I prefer to tell him to try not to orgasm. I enjoy seeing him struggle. He eventually gets to a point where he can’t hold back. The fun part with this is that I can do a stroke or two and then watch his cock as he struggles to prevent his orgasms. There have been times when I have stroked his cock and then watched him struggle for 20 or 30 seconds and then he spurted without me touching him. That is art! It is beauty to see him struggle and work so hard to please and obey me. It is also a power rush to know that I control him so much and that no matter how hard he tries he can not stop me from giving him an orgasm. What a mind fuck for him! In these situations I don’t feel that it is fair to punish him for having an orgasm without permission. However, I usually give him the disappointed look and tell him how weak he is.
The variations (both mental and physical) you can apply to the above two techniques are endless and that’s what makes is fun. Some variations to experiment with: Announce the ruined orgasm ahead of time or surprise himTell him to try and orgasm while you tease him or tell him try not to orgasm while you tease him. Imagine the fun of him trying to orgasm only to have you pull away at the last second and leave him with nothing. Do this a few times and then send him over the edge and let go.Use your hands, mouth, tongue, panties, feathers, etc. to tease him. One of the most interesting videos I watched was a woman that held her man’s cock straight up and she very slowly licked from bottom to top until he spurted.Make him ruin the orgasm himself. This is a good test of his loyalty. Will he let go before he spurts (bonus points for him), at the first spurt (good boy), or will he push the envelope and hold on a little longer after he spurts (bad boy. Punishment time!).Combine with anal pleasure. Stimulating the prostate will cause his cum to leak-out more. Some women use this technique regularly to “milk” their man so that he can go very long periods without a orgasm.Experiment and have fun with the variations. I think it is great to always keep him guessing as to what will happen next. I want to share a ruined orgasm experience that I had with Thomas that absolutely drove him crazy for days afterwards but it has literally taking me over two weeks to write this post because I have been busy so I will share that experience in a follow-up post.
Levels of Orgasm Control and Chastity - A Guide for 'Vanilla' Keyholders
There are many different kinds of orgasm control.
The chastity/denial/control dynamic exists on a spectrum and - as you will see from the countless resources online - there is no one 'right answer'.
I've had a large number of DMs requesting variations of the blog posts that I have put out there so far - many of which ask for a 'watered down' version that they can take to their significant other as a way to start the chastity / orgasm control conversation.
The most interesting questions are from more typically 'vanilla' wives and girlfriends who have clearly been sent my blog by their husbands / boyfriends and are at a loss to find ways to make this dynamic work. So this article will be a very basic guide to a 'gentle' start in this space to see if you and your partner can make it work.
Starting Out
In most cases in this dynamic, the man has initiated this conversation. First off - well done to him for plucking up the courage to tell you about his desires and fantasies. He's probably been thinking about it for ages and it's healthy to have this openness and vulnerability in a relationship.
Secondly, the most important thing to remember, is that he is proposing that you take the reins in terms of your sexual play. This is crucial, because if you truly take the reins, it means that you don't have to do exactly what he is proposing. You can, and should, put your own spin on things.
Teasing, denial and chastity are all essentially about orgasm control. This means that you man is saying to you that he would like you to take charge of when and how he orgasms. It's as simple as that. If you choose to participate and make this part of your play, this should be the starting point of all of your decisions. So, I'll say it again:
"This is about you taking charge of when and how he orgasms."
Again, Why Does He Want This?
I am not going to spend much time on this question, as there are other posts and many resources about this online. However, the cliff notes:
"Not orgasming" for a long period has a profound, often positive, impact over a male's hormones and headspace.
Giving you control may be a turn on for him.
It spices things up in long term relationships.
Some men use it to break habits like masturbation / porn.
It helps a lot of men focus more, exercise more and sleep better.
It's sexy and fun to have you in control.
etc.
There are many benefits for you as the female, but again, these have been outlined ad nauseam. More cliff notes:
No pressure on you for sex
However, you get sex when and how you want it.
Cages look sexy
You set the rules
You can often 'redirect' the male's sexual energy into other things like service, massages, exercising and more.
etc
The Spectrum of Orgasm Control
Here is an opinionated view on the 'levels' of orgasm control you can choose from (or blend) if you and your man decide to give this thing a spin.
All orgasm control dynamics operate under the premise that your man is simply not allowed to orgasm without your permission. Should it be during sex, play or even him masturbating, he must wait for your express permission before he goes over the edge.
Chastity cages often play a role in this spectrum because they serve as a constant reminder and/or partial barrier that the male's choice to orgasm is no longer his own.
1. Not Locked
Here, the male does not wear a chastity cage and is free to touch, pleasure and edge himself at will. He is simply not allowed to come.
This is the simplest form of orgasm control for you as there's no cage component, but, interestingly, it's extremely difficult for him, as it relies purely on his evolution-proven, questionable sexual self control. It requires Buddha-level quantities of zen for most males to not sneak an orgasm while unlocked after 2-3 weeks of denial.
In my view, a major benefit of using chastity in this dynamic is that it is impossible for him to get hard while locked. This reality really keeps his erotic urges in check.
2. Self-locked
Here, you say to your man that you encourage, or are happy, for him to wear a chastity cage during his denial periods, but the locking and management thereof is purely up to him. There is no need to communicate about the lock ups, and the male is using this on his own accord to help control his desires.
This is a good place to start for couples beginning their chastity play which you both get the hang of things, and is also often a landing spot for those looking only for the lowest admin play.
3. Sometimes Locked
Here, you as the female will be more active in the lock up process - primarily by instructing your male to lock up for a specific period of time. You will decide the parameters for when it will be locked on, and when it will be removed, and the male is not allowed to unlock without your permission. In most cases here, you will actually physically keep the key, aka become the 'keyholder'.
This is probably the most 'standard' version of chastity that is practiced by couples, as it is more collaborative in nature. The male may be locked for portions of each month, 'every now and then', for trips, for events like 'Locktober' or 'No Nut November' or for randomly timed durations decided upon by the keyholder.
This is most 'active' version of keyholding as you will be steering the decision-making here. It's also potentially the most fun as there is an uncertainty and anticipation on the part of the male which is hugely exciting for them.
4. Default Locked
In this situation, the expectation is that the male is locked unless there is a clear exception in the form of agreed instances where he can be unlocked - like doctor's appointments, cleaning, certain sports, or airport security. Or, of course, if you want him to be unlocked for sexual reasons. There no need to define a lockup period, because there is no a 'period', per se. He's locked and can only unlock for pre-defined reasons or emergencies.
This is a more intense version of chastity for the male, but is significantly easier for you as the keyholder, as you don't need to set or manage lock up or release periods.
When Default mode is on, you will allow your man to unlock for his doctor's appointment, and then he will relock when it's over. You may unlock him for sex, but as soon as it's over, he will refit the cage immediately. No need for discussions or negotiations, and no questions asked.
Locking Pragmatics
Some keyholders are fans of dealing with the cage all that much, and enforce their keyholding by telling their man to lock themselves and present them the key.
Some keyholders really enjoy this little ritual, and like doing the cage fitting themselves.
Some keyholders want to avoid having their man touch or even see their unlocked penis at all, so will have their men bound and blindfolded at all times when the cage is unlocked.
Again, this is a spectrum. Pick and choose.
I'm Super 'Vanilla' - Where Should I Start?
Short answer - wherever you like.
But my recommendation?
I would start in the 'Sometimes Locked' space. Let your man do the locking up part. Try it for a couple of weeks per month - maybe something like the first two weeks of the month are 'locked' weeks. Get a sense of how things go, what you like and what you don't like.
If your man tries to talk you out of your suggested lock up period, or tries to 'top from the bottom', then remind him that you will do this by your rules or not at all. Trust is everything here, and remember that it's ultimately about having a good time.
Expand your Knowledge
Read some other articles or blogs about some of the ins, outs and practicalities.
The transformation in this man had been remarkable to her…. so hot… so sexy.
The more he began to accept that he no longer had any control over his own pleasure… that they would not going to go back to their old way of life… the more his focus began to change.
Now, his pleasure, his obsession… was pleasing this woman who he absolutely adored. She smiled inwardly as she looked at him, the expression of longing on his face now so adorably transparent to her.
Pressing herself softly against him, she murmured near his ear, “You want it so bad, don’t you baby?”
“Yesss…,” he exhaled.
“You miss the taste of me, don’t you?”, her voice a husky, teasing whisper.
“Yesss…”
“Mmm, and the way you feel when you breathe me in….”
“Oh god…. baby please??”
She laughed softly, peeling down her panties and letting them land at her feet.
“Go ahead, baby,’ she cooed sweetly. “On your knees. Show me how badly you want me…..”
As she cuddled up against him, still glowing and panting in the aftermath, she allowed her warm, silky thigh to rub softly back and forth against his aching, yet to be relieved erection.
"I know you didn't get to cum this morning honey," she purred. "But my god, the way your cock still feels so hot, so hard, trapped beneath me is sooo sexy. I can still feel it throbbing, and I think I can feel it leaking? Is it baby? Is it still leaking?"
"Yesss," he groaned softly in response.
"Oh sweetheart," she cooed. "You're frustrated, aren't you? Are you? Are you frustrated baby?"
"Yesss...," he confessed.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she purred. "But baby, my god I can tell that you need it so bad and I absolutely love that. That is sooo hot. Did I really get you that worked up? Do you really want me that bad?"
"Yessss...," he whispered.
"Mmm, I love that. And I have to confess, the thought of leaving you like this, wanting me so bad... still hard, needy, wanting to cum so bad... it turns me on so much."
"My godddd...," he whispered.
"I know baby, I know," she murmured. "It's selfish of me, it's mean, it's cruel. I won't do it. I'll take care of it for you sweetheart."
Now he was the one suddenly feeling selfish. Sighing he said, "No, don't.... it's okay... you don't have to. I'll be fine."
Her eyes lit up as she replied, "Really baby? For real?? Are you sure??"
"Uh huh," he panted. "I'm sure."
She shifted slightly, just enough so his needy cock could be released from being pinned beneath the warm softness of her thigh. Reaching down she began ever so gently, ever so slowly, stroking his cock.
Even as he was gasping in pleasure, he reassured her, "No... really, I'll be okay... I promise."
"I don't know honey, I'm not convinced. I don't think you really mean it. It's fine, I'll make you cum." Her hand continued its soft, sweet ministrations.
He let out a soft whine, feeling his orgasm getting closer yet also not wanting to disappoint his wife. "No, don't. It's fine, I promise..."
"Mmm, I don't think so, I'm not convinced. It's fine honey and you're almost there..."
"Nooo," he whined.
She thought she might almost cum on the spot. Smirking, she continued slowly stroking. "Then convince me baby, beg me... beg me to stop and leave you like this..."
"Oh my godddd," he groaned. "Ok, ok, ok, I'm begging you, please stop!... please don't make me cum!"
"Are you sure baby? Are you sure that's what you want? To only cum when I want you to?"
"Oh fuckkkk," he moaned, his orgasm now so near he could feel it welling up in his balls.
"It's ok, I get it... it's way too much to ask of you, I'll make you cum," her voice now taunting him, her hand coaxing him closer.
"Nooo! It is, it is what I want!!...."
"Yeah?," she purred. "Are you sure? No more cumming for you unless that's what I want? Even if you want to really, really bad?"
"Yesss! Now please... stop! Oh god I'm so close!"
Smirking, she pulled her hand away, leaving him just short of cumming. She watched in delight as he fought off his orgasm. His body slumping down. His cock twitching frantically. Pulsing. Drooling. Pleading.
And when the threat of cumming eventually passed she innocently cooed, "There we go, all better now? Is that what you wanted honey?"
"Yes," he panted, his body still trembling in frustration.
"Mmm, good. I'm glad baby," she purred.
A moment later though her hand resumed its soft, slow masturbation, causing him to needily moan, "Baby please, my godddd..."
Biting her lower lip gently with lust, she purred, "Relax honey, I'm not going to make you cum today, I promise. I'm just going to keep you nice and hard, that's all."
And with a soft chuckle, she began tortuously slowly working him back to the edge....
Here are some ideas, and some advice to couples that are exploring a female led relationship that involves chastity. These are not “advanced techniques” and I don’t claim to be an expert, but in the 6 years we have played in the lifestyle, these are some of the more important things I have learned. If you are looking to completely dominate your husband in every aspect of your life, this is probably not the article for you. If you are interested in having a more fun, kinky, and exciting sex life, along with a little more control in the household, and help your husband be a better partner to you, this may help.
How long should he be locked?
I truly believe that it should be up to the keyholder and her alone, but some people like to switch things up, so here are some fun ways to let fate decide.
Determine the number of orgasm he has to give the keyholder before he earns an orgasm.
The keyholder could require him to provide her with 10 oral, 10 using a vibrator, and 10 using his cock before he earns the right to have his own. Or 20 using his fingers and 5 using his mouth, and 5 with a dildo, or strap on, you get the idea.
How about adding one day every time he has an orgasm, so if he made it 21 days this time he has to wait 22 next time.
There is a myriad of dice games that could be used. If you Google dice chastity game, you can find an endless supply.
Marbles seem to be another favorite, again if you Google marble chastity game, there are plenty to choose from.
I think a really fun one is to use trivia to determine his lock up time. While lying in bed the keyholder can ask a series of questions about anything she likes really, and for every answer the sub gets wrong he gets a day or a week or whatever time period the keyholder desires locked in chastity, this is fun because the keyholder is still determining the lock up time, by the number of questions or how hard they are. Try Keyholder trivia, she can ask questions about what she likes, you can both have fun and learn what makes your keyholder happy!
I also think that it is a big turn on for the sub to know that regardless what the “game” determines should be the lock up time, that he knows it is ultimately what his keyholder decides, so when the time arrives that he has earned his orgasm, simply tell him, “I know you were supposed to have an orgasm today, but I have decided to keep you locked another few days.”
Fun things for the Keyholder to say to keep the sub excited. I think it is important for the keyholder to remember that for the sub in chastity, it is a 24/7 commitment, and sometimes all it takes is the smallest reminder from his keyholder to get his libido back up and racing and keep it exciting for him.
“Tonight sweetie, you can be my little brown noser.”
“Oh! Sweetie, your cage looks tight and uncomfortable! Oh well, you will just have to suffer for me.”
“You haven’t thanked me for locking up your cock and controlling your orgasms for you in quite a while. Do you have anything to say to me?”
After he has given you an orgasm orally, you could say, “Sweetie you are getting so good with your tongue, pretty soon I will never have to unlock your cock!”
After inspecting his cage to make sure he is secure, you could say something like, “Hmmm, maybe we should get a size smaller.”
“Sweetie I seem to have lost the key, oh well, we won’t be needing it for a long time anyway.”
“Denying you is so much more fun than letting you orgasm, I might never let you cum again!”
Every time you lock his device, you should say something like, “Now thank me for controlling your orgasms,” or, “There we go, my cock is locked up again, until the next time I need it.”
You get the idea, anything to remind him that you are in control will excite him and keep him happy for quite a while.
Tease and Denial: I think this is the most important part of chastity and also a successful female led relationship. There are numerous entire web sites and articles with ideas out there, so I will let you find your own fun ideas, but I would like to remind you that it doesn’t have to last only an hour, there are ways to tease your sub all day without having to lift a finger.
1. Have him shave all his pubic hair. It is more comfortable wearing a cage when you are shaved anyway. Every time his goes to the bathroom it will be another reminder of your control.
2. Assign him to make you a sex toy, or bondage device, like a leg spreader, or install eye bolts to tie him off to.
3. Assign him a list of chores you want complete, with the knowledge that if they are not done he will be punished.
4. Make him clean the house dressed as a woman.
5. Have him hand wash your panties and lingerie.
6. Have him run an errand for you wearing a butt plug.
7. Tell him you need new panties and you want him to buy them for you. When He gives them to you, tell him you think they will look better on him, and make him wear them.
8. Before he leaves for work, make him lick your pussy and tell him that he has the privilege of smelling you every time he inhales now.
9. You can set rules for him, like having to ask to use the bathroom, or having to address you as mistress or princess for the day.
Punishments: Punishments can be fun, or they can be just that, Punishments. I think any female led relationship should have both. Just having “fun” punishments promotes behavior from the sub that is unacceptable, because he enjoys the punishment and acts up in order to get it. For punishments that are meant to correct behavior or habits, he should be aware that you are truly unhappy with what he has done, that you love him very much, and that the punishment is meant to hurt. After the punishment reinforce that you love him, and you did what you did to help him be a better partner. I can say 100% of the time that your partner will love you for it, gain respect for you in the relationship, and be far more excited because it now seems real to him. With just playful punishments, he may still view this as a game. Here are some playful punishments:
1. Have him lick your ass, as you watch TV or read a book. Make sure to give him plenty of direction and encouragement, and tease him a bit as well. Lets face it, sex is 90% mental. Say things like, “I love my little brown noser,” or “get your tongue in there or that cage stays locked for another week.” It’s important that you make do a good job, not just lick your butt cheeks, the excitement for the sub is all mental, being made to lick your ass, the punishment part is making him really do it.
2. During a teasing session, if he starts moving too much or getting overly close to orgasm, take off your panties, put the gusset on his face and tell him they can keep him company while you go get a drink.
3. Have him run you a bath, wash your body, lotion your legs, dress you, even paint your toe nails. Keep it exciting for him by telling him how happy you are he is in chastity, and how you would hate to lose his enthusiasm, so you may never remove the device.
4. Have him wear panties and stockings to work under his work clothes, no one but you and he will know. He will be on high alert all day hoping no one notices. You can text him from time to time to remind him of his situation!
5. If he keeps asking to be let out of his cage, take off your panties and gag him with them.
6. Play a little trivia game with him, tie his hands up, play with him until he is excited, and ask him if he knows how to please you, he will of course say yes, then you can say “great! We are going to play a game, I will ask you some questions about me, when you are right I will stroke your cock, when you are wrong, I will slap it.” Ask away! You can ask him anything from your favorite color to your favorite sexual position!
7. Tens units are a lot of fun as well, as they can be used to provide great pleasure, or a small amount of pain. They can make a great training tool used correctly.
8. Take all his boring male underwear, and replace them with panties, and tell him he has to earn his underwear back, and he should wear the panties till he does.
9. Hoods can be a lot of fun. Get one with a gag and use some ear plugs and he won’t know when or where you are going to give him pleasure (or pain).
10. Spankings of course are a favorite, using your hand or a paddle its pretty tough to really hurt him, so spank away. Careful with some of the switches or canes, as you can actually draw blood with enough force.
11. If he comes without permission, I consider that a pretty serious offense. The whole idea of the relationship is that he is giving you control of his orgasms, if he takes that back, its just a sex game to him again. If he is unable to control himself any more, he should be able to talk to you seriously and explain the situation and let YOU decide when and how he orgasms. Taking it upon himself is unacceptable. He should get a serious punishment, be locked back up, in his cage immediately, and made to lick up his mess.
12. Ruined orgasms can be very effective. There are plenty of videos and articles on how they work and how to cause them, so I will not go into it, but they take some practice to get it right. When you do get it right, it actually will leave your sub just as horny, but leaves you with the leverage of saying “you just had an orgasm!” You know you did it right if his seed simply flows out with no “burst”, also just watching his face will tell you!
Like I said there has to be more than just fun punishments. Sometimes, he will need to be corrected. This prevents him from “topping from the bottom” or controlling what you have him do. Certainly he has to get some of what he wants, but he should not be able to “force you to force him” that is not how it works, and is not as much fun for him or you. Punishments are also great ways to “tweek” his behavior or attitude towards you, if he is acting moody or speaking disrespectfully to you, simply tell him of your concern, explain what you expect from him, and proceed with the punishment. Its amazing how quickly a good spanking will get a man back in “subspace” where he is loving and respectful. Some punishments can include:
The easiest and usually most effective is spanking. It is both humiliating and a bit painful for the sub. You can use your hand, a hairbrush, cane, switch, paddle, flogger, crop, shoe, anything really. Make sure he knows the reason, make sure he knows you love him, make sure he knows it is going to hurt. When its done hug him, tell him again you love him, and reinforce with him that you don’t want that behavior to continue, as it is upsetting his keyholder.
You can put spikes in his chastity cage. Be careful here as I have heard of some people actually getting a bruised or cut penis from some of the spikes available for some devices.
Being tied in an uncomfortable position for a period of time. This can really be painful and uncomfortable, and gives the sub time to reflect on what he did.
Prolonging his release date. Yep, that’s pretty effective. Although it really only works if you have a set release date.
Withholding teasing sessions. What your sub craves most of all is your attention, so withholding it is about the worst thing that you can do to him. Be careful here though because after a few days in chastity your sub is going to be pretty emotionally vulnerable, and could easily feel neglected by being ignored. So, if you are withholding your attention make sure he knows why and that he is just not being put on the back burner for something more important than he.
When you feel the time comes for your sub to have full orgasm I encourage you to let him build up to it, and make it special. I also could not encourage you more, that if you want to continue with his current lock up, that you ask him. That’s right ask him! Say something like, “You have been a very good boy and have earned an orgasm, but I am really enjoying myself, and don’t want to have to start all over, when you are so horny and loving right now. If you ask me to, I will put you back in your device, and I will promise to be more demanding, more cruel, more kinky, and an all around better keyholder.” I would make sure he is right on the edge of an orgasm when you do this as it will really drive him crazy! Be prepared, he will eventually say he needs an orgasm, don’t look at it as him rejecting you, look at it as nature overpowering his need to submit. If he does choose to orgasm, if you would like to continue his chastity, and devotion to you, make sure he puts his device on immediately after he has his orgasm. When a man has an orgasm, he immediately loses all his submissiveness, and it is important to have him in his device to start building it again.
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