I haven't published anything in a hot second. Can I offer you a prologue to my longfic in this trying time?
Have a little amuse buche.
To Live on the Cusp of Death
Word count: 3,871
Rating: Unrated
(Series rating: Explicit)
Notable tags: Crisis of Faith; Survivor Guilt; Intrusive Thoughts; Suicidal Ideation; Cullen Rutherford Needs a Hug
“Have you ever witnessed a Templar in lyrium withdrawal, Knight-Captain?”
He scoffed. The concern on her face was almost sweet. “Oh, yes.”
I already know this dance, all too well.
He was unsure how much of his past Seeker Cassandra was already privy to, but he supposed if she had known the details of the disaster at Kinloch Hold she wouldn't have asked so asinine a question. Only he himself knew of his repeated—
Failed.
—attempts at weaning himself off of the substance, the drug, that he'd put himself through since the day Meredith died.
“Are you attempting to give yourself the penance of an agonizing death?” she asked carefully.
He shut his eyes tight and let out a defeated breath, “No...”
Then why did her words strike such a chord within him? Why did they sound so enticing?
“I... I don't know.”
Silence. Crashing waves. Distant wheeling gulls.
“You are a good man, Ser Cullen.”
“Am I,” he hummed his sarcasm rather than say something untoward. Drummed his fingers on the wooden planks holding his body above the water's reach.
“You would not fall to madness or cruelty as easily as did Meredith Stannard, if you were given a command. You have already demonstrated this to be true.”
More silence.
The words simmered under his skin. Should he let them boil over and spill out into the world? They could not be taken back. “If I do this thing—if I agree to help the Divine resolve this conflict—you must promise me one thing.”
“And that is?”
Cullen turned to face her; he wanted her to see the clarity in his eyes as he said this. “That you will not force me to begin using it again.”
There it was. The ultimatum.
“But you'll die without lyrium!”
“Everyone dies, Lady Pentaghast.”
⚶ ⚶ ⚶
Read the rest on AO3!
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Something nobody prepares you for is that the better you get at writing the harder it becomes. beginners write freely because they don't know enough to know what's wrong. then you learn. and suddenly you can see every single flaw in real time as you're making it and you have to write anyway while your own brain is in the corner going "that's a weak verb. that transition is lazy. you've used that word three times." getting good at this is mostly just getting better at ignoring yourself.
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