I feel like everyone worships avocado and I’m struggling because it just tastes like compressed wet grass lump but nobody will listen and I’m all alone in this world
I feel like everyone worships avocado and I’m struggling because it just tastes like compressed wet grass lump but nobody will listen and I’m all alone in this world
warnings: utter and absolute tooth rotting fluff crack.
pairings: Bokuto x Akaashi.
a/n: here to bless you with soft bokuaka <3 AKAASHI HAD HIS HANDS ON HIS THIGHS JSOIWDEDW BYE
summary: if asked "how did you both meet?" it was simple for them to smile and say "i left my notes in a library and he left a note for me." that's all.
word count: 3.3k
Late afternoon of autumn season. a weather just as the liking of the ravenette who shuffled through the busy streets of the Tokyo with a fixed motto to reach the city library before the dusk paints the already orange yellow tinted sky. his gunmetal eyes landing on every moving figure, every breathing soul, every sign board all through the way till they bored holes into the brown, heavy gates of the library.
a breathy sigh left escaped past his lips at the contact with the antique handles stuck on the wooden doors as he pushed open the doors. thick cool gust of heavy temperature air conditioner fell over his, leaving his tousled hair to fall over his winter evening eyes.
pushing his hair back, slender, calloused fingers carding through the hair as he squinted taking a while to adjust to the dimness of the library which he was not acquainted with after being under the blood- orange sun.
two receptionist sat there behind a huge table, a glass wall over the table that reached the ceiling. to the opposite was huge tables, all dark brown with lit candles and lanterns in the middle of them, were standing on all fours side to side with equal distance. the shelves behind the tables. books and books, sea of books were stacked in a proper order. step stools randomly near every shelves. people balancing themselves on those stools to reach the destined choice of books. level two of the library was just the same, a curvy staircase going from either side of the receptionist table.
the blue and ocher yellow tinted windows all over the huge huge walls allowed the drowning sunlight let into the dim place. walls, painted in a pleasing aesthetic colors, paintings of ancient wars and other artefacts from different places hanging around them with their circa and details.
a perfect place for his anthropology studies.
walking towards the reception table he took the pen that rested between the crease of the entry book which already had listed numerous numbers of visitors.
'#762 Akaashi Keiji.'
padding his way towards a table of his liking, a table just beside the window with tinted shades on the upper level of the library. sitting down he allowed all his required material to spill out from his bag on the table. his journal, pointers already jotted down before hand, different loose sheets from his classes stacked under the journal, written in his pristine sharp writing. books open in front of him allowing him to soak in all the words of knowledge while he took notes and pointers in a fresh page. writing staying constant and neat even with the speed of writing them down.
slowly the minutes slipped into hours and he didn't realize when the already drowning sun had been reigned over by the full moon and stars hanging all around it.
sighing he looked at the analog watch wrapped around his lean wrist.
08:47 pm
picking up all his material he bolted out from the library, not before bowing slightly in front of the already leaving receptionist who returned his gratitude with a humble smile.
--
walk to the college next day was as monotonous as ever. reaching the class felt like slow drags of tired legs but alas, it all about the attendance. a must. ought to be done.
god, he hates it. but it can't be helped.
settling in his seat on the front row of the class he sipped on his warm coffee. the warmth seeping down his throat and heat blooming into the pits of stomach. a tired sigh left his throat.
all the chatters from the students nearby him felt distant as he closed his eyes to take in the reality and prepare mentally for all the upcoming long and slow classes.
"hey, Akaashi." a low voice, a little hesitant, came up from behind him making him open his eyes to turn around and face the owner of the voice. a blond, lean man stood in front of me.
'god, his eye bags can hold water without a miss...'
the male looked in distress.
"what is it?" the ravenette cringed internally at how deep his voice came out and how much sleep was still mixed with it.
"do you, perhaps, have the sub- headings for Human Evolution? i can't really figure them out.." his words turned into a whisper to himself by the end of the sentence. his hands scratching nape in anxiety and his eyes boring holes into everything and everyone but akaashi.
after a silence of fraction of seconds akaashi nodded reaching out to his bag as he felt the gloomy aura tune into a flowery pink aura of gratitude for the helping male.
a life saver, indeed.
for a second, Akaashi thought he had his life in control, his homework and notes on him but to his dismay it wasn't.
what a fucking joke.
disappointed with the lemons life kept giving him he retracted back his hands and rested it on his thighs as he turned back to face the confused male.
"uhh Akinori- san? looks like i have left it in the library i visited yesterday." he apologized telling the blond that he would click the picture of the lone sheet and send it to the male.
--
the whole day continued in a constant restlessness. he left an important somewhere in a public place. questions flooded his brain to the brim and no one could answer them but him.
no way in the living hell he is ready to make those sub- headings again. he felt like he would loose his last straw of humanity and sanity if he didn't find the page.
cursing internally he ran like a mad dog was let loose after him, ready to pounce and tear him apart. skidding slightly he stopped at the library entry. a chill went down his spine as he opened the door, dread settling in the pits of his stomach at the thought of him loosing the sheet.
oh, he really didn't want that.
writing his name on the entry book hastily he ran upstairs, skipping 3 steps at a time in a thought to reach fast. his lungs and calves burned to give them a rest from all the running without to which he ignored, too determined to find the sheet.
reaching the seat he had been siting yesterday he felt his heart pang within the captive of his ribs.
the sheet was still there. safe and sound.
but?
his eyes squinted at the small sticky note sticking on the sheet that's dear to his life. walking towards the page he collected it into his hands. reading the note a smile creeped up on his lips.
//hey! your name is really pretty. i found this sheet today and i kinda took notes from it. thanks for it!!//
thanking the person for the nth time he took out a sticky note from his bag and wrote a small thanks.
//hello, thanks for leaving the note. this sheet is important to me. and it's fine if you took notes, haha. what's your name?//
if he was honesty, he was not expecting any reply from the said person who had left the note.
but when the next day he came with Akinori to issue some books for the upcoming projects.
//oh!! my bad, sorry i thought i really did mention my name in the end. it's Bokuto Koutarou!! 22, going professional in volleyball and i have to study history as a side subject...
oh!! you seem nice. here: #xxxx xxx xxx. you can text me if you feel comfortable!!//
carefully folding the piece of yellow sticky note he kept it in his jean pocket.
later that day he sat there on his comforters of his bed, conflicted between texting the number or not.
what if it's a sick prank? someone else's number? perhaps a random number?? should he even take the risk?? scam??
ignoring all the thoughts he decided to take the risk. something about the name and the way the chits were written made this said man 'Bokuto Koutarou' very magnetic in nature.
texting a simple 'hello' and his name he threw his phone on the other end of the bed, groaning. he seemed desperate about this.
but he can't help! this guy Bokuto seemed really nice and he could be more, he guessed????
after what felt like godly slow centuries he felt his phone buzz, muffled by the covers around it. reaching the phone he checked the time, eyes widening.
03:05 am
he saw the text from a contact name from 'Bokuto?'. wasting not a single minute he saw the reply as smile tugging over his soft pink lips.
[oh! hey hey hey!!]
[i didn't expect you to reply.]
why was he even awake? well he was being a hypocrite to think like that when he was wide awake too knowing he has to reach college for classes. he was sure he would look dead.
but anyways he didn't mind the time and texted back the number. texts going back and forth. getting to know each other. it was basically Bokuto telling jokes, bitching about his teachers and everything he had experienced till now while Akaashi went along with the conversation, laughing at his antics and his bubbly nature.
ah, it felt nice. refreshing. even though he barely had slept in days.
god knows when the foggy night dipped low for the new autumn morning. the sunrays bleeding into his room from the partially open blinds, falling onto his study table. the clock reflecting the light onto the wall that fell on its cover glass.
he was still wide awake. fingers still typing continuously the keys of the keyboard of his phone. smiling every now and then at the replies he got from the other male.
fun indeed.
--
weeks passed with the continuous talking and sharing everyday stuff with each other and soon the autumn took its exit letting winters slide in for next few months.
chits were occasionally exchanged. the secluded corner of the second level of the chit exchange without showing themselves to each other became a habit they adjusted it into their busy schedule.
//ooo i came here today and i thought of leaving a chit for you to read. we should meet someday!!!!//
few days.
//we should, indeed. lets find a right time to meet.//
it was so comfortable.
Akaashi would be lying if he said he haven't sneaked to Bokuto's game.
oh god, it was a mess.
not only this man is fun to talk to and so polite and all but how can he be this good looking?!
"what the actual fuck." akaashi had muttered under his breath as he saw bokuto walk into the arena, chest puffing with pride. the ravenette felt his cheeks burn with a red tint paint purely over his cheekbones.
he could only think of one thing as he watched the pepper salt haired man play the whole match and win it.
'am i gay??????' god it sounded so scandalous.
but looking at him play. his muscles ripple with each moment he took. the way he ruffled his hair to wipe out the sweat, hair messy. the way his jersey rode up as he went in for a powerful spike. everything.
'god, i am so gay. what the fuck.'
akaashi decided he would never tell this to the other male. about him going to his matches only to fall more and more for him with every passing moment. the conversation, the antics, the looks, the nature. everything.
he won't admit that he practically got hard as the first thing in the morning when Bokuto had sent him a voice message of him saying a simple 'good morning'. the problem was not the good morning message but his fucking deep, heavy sleep laced voice.
god, he was down bad for the man.
the early winters slowly turned into mid winters with the call of snow. November slowly turned December and new year approached. a day where they both decided to meet. well for akaashi, he would see him for the nth time now. for bokuto.... first time.
akaashi decided to not tell this to bokuto. jesus, he felt like a damn stalker.
tapping on the shoulder of the man with pepper salt hair, who had his god sculptured back faced to the ravenette.
'i don't mind watching his back for the rest of my lif- jesus christ, shut the fuck up please. don't mess this up.' he mentally cursed as he saw the said man turn to face his gunmetal eyes. his grey eyebrows cocking up in a questioning look.
"how can i help you?"
"i am akaashi keiji..." he mumbled. lips parting slightly as he saw the other man grin ear to ear at the slip of the name.
the night went smoothly. they indulged in all the games that were available in the fair. ate every possible dish not having mercy on their hurting pockets.
ending the night at the river bank side, sitting comfortably on the mats that were set up for the viewers to witness the fireworks for the arrival of the new year.
but something for bokuto made it hard to look at the sky. he couldn't help but watch the man beside him from the corner of his eyes. he just looked so ethereal. skin so clear and pristine, basically reflecting all the colors painting the sky by the crackers. his eyes, blue, but shining so bright even under the dark sky.
he made sure to ask Akaashi for a pic together before he dropped him off. setting it as his lockscreen and homescreen.
'god have mercy, i am so gay.' he screamed in his head. mind not moving on from the burned image he he had drawn in his head of Akaashi. how can someone be this beautiful??
he has to keep it low- key. but, can he?
after the new year meet up. they met frequently. akaashi watching his matches while bokuto used to study, more like complain, with him at the library.
they were down bad for each other. but won't speak about it. just because.
time passes quick. seasons changes. winters came to an end. all the dried up trees showing a sign of life again. pink petals decorating every second tree so beautifully. the snow had melted away from the pleasant warmth of spring painting the whole land in fresh green and spots of pink from all the blossom leaves leaving the home of the trees.
feelings that were supposed to stay small and bottled up, filled up to the brim. it wasn't just a crush anymore. the seasons had changed but feelings remained the same within themselves for each other. and it kept building up till it was over flowing.
each glance, each action, each word and each conversation made them fall deeper into the suffocating feeling of love.
the thing is, akaashi is patient and he knows how to showcase his emotions. he knows what to show and what to not. but bokuto? oh honey no. he doesn't think twice before doing or saying something. he is... impatient.
an impatient person in love? disastrous.
he didn't think twice as he wrote a letter on a pale page. a letter on how much beautiful he finds Akaashi. he didn't think twice as he made his way to the library. he didn't think twice as he kept the letter there on their secluded seat of conversation.
he didn't think about the rejection that could come.
he just wished for the best. like he always does.
he waits. patiently, for once.
but again, for how long?
three days had passed but it seemed like akaashi hadn't even visited the awaited library. he had told bokuto about his upcoming project for the end of the semester. he had already issued books for the project a day before bokuto had kept the letter.
so close.
he decided: he can't wait anymore. he jolt up from his bed, hair hanging low over his forehead. he picked his phone typing away to the person he is so desperate for.
[hey!! can we meet at the library real quick?? its urgent.]
he wrote as he threw on a sweatshirt over his shirtless body. reaching the porch of his house his phone buzzed.
[its pretty late rn??? but sure.]
god, at last. but then the dread he had been ignoring settled in. what if he rejects? what if i ruin what we have? no no, he doesn't want this.
panicking he put on his shoes, sprinting out from his apartment. not wanting to wait for the elevator he took the stairs. 12 floors down from stairs... he ran, not giving his lungs the needed break from one block to another. the roads empty with only few passer by walking back home maybe and the light lamps only illuminating the empty sidewalk and roads.
he just wished for akaashi to not have reached before him as he stood on front of the library doors. he pushed them open taking a deep breath as he padded slowly up the stairs.
taking a turn to the place he had to reach his eyes widened at the figure he wanted to see after he reached but no. he was tad bit late.
akaashi stood there, teal sweatshirt hanging over his lean figure. letter, open and probably read by now, between his slender fingers. his head whipped up to see bokuto, mouth gapped, wanting to say something but nothing came out.
"i- i can explain." bokuto never thought his voice could come out so small. "its okay if you will reject me. i mean it will hurt like a bitch but its fair... you have your own choices and i was selfish to write it i guess... i don't wanna ruin what we both have!! i cherish it a lot."
he was rambling at this point trying his best to explain his emotions that where all over the place. he was so messed with his words he didn't hear the multiple times akaashi had uttered his name. it was until akaashi had to practically yelp out his name in a dead silent library.
"Bokuto!! what the hell??"
"wha- what?" oh god, he sounds so upset...
"can you let me speak now? there is nothing for you to explain. the letter did its job already." the shorter man commented.
there was a heavy silence between them as akaashi busied himself in folding the letter back and putting it in the envelop. bokuto couldn't hear the paper rustling as it was being folded but his heart shattering at the due rejection.
the taller man didn't look up from the ground. he didn't have the balls to look into those gunmetal eyes. he figured it would be filled with anger and hatred.
he was so ready to hear the rejection now.
but nothing came.
slowly he lifted his head, taking the risk to look at the man in front of him. he took a step back when he saw akaashi smiling, face flushed in shades of pink and red under the light of lanterns that were lit all around the library for the starry night.
"won't you speak anything now?" he whispered. "aren't you going to reject me?"
"no? why would i?" akaashi answered with a question. smile never faltering.
huh?
"wait- you like me??" his words came out chocked at the realization. maybe it was mutual. maybe it wasn't as scandalous as it looked like. i was a new bloom of love.
"no, i like you too." he drawled out walking towards Bokuto. "like a lot. pretty desperate you can say. i just thought that it would never be mutual so i kept it in."
to say that bokuto was happy was an understatement. all these months together with him as friends was all something he always had wished but now? lovers? yes. how can he ask for anything more than this?
his hands reached out to the male walking towards him, pulling him into a hug he craved to give him so desperately.
warnings: my shit writing, ehh fluff, there is a c h i l d, not much angst.
pairings: ushijima x oikawa, iwaizumi x oikawa.
a/n: please, this one is uhh like- yk? not that painful.
word count: 2.9k
main story.
❛20th January, 2023.❜
gloomy clouds that hung low in the darkness of the guilt filled night were now ready to burst into white beauty. cold and divine. the sun had already reached out into the limits of sky, extending its warm rays welcoming everyone with all love and warmth.
the view was white as far as the eyes could go. the clustered houses where white, the once green lively trees were brown dead with soft snow hanging on them comfortably.
he didn't know when the night drowned into the heavenly morning of snow. the taste of tears and guilt was still lingering on his tongue. face completely red and flushed. white trails of dried tears stuck on his cheeks like some dried paint.
he couldn't help but curl up in the covers of the old bed he shared with his long lost lover...
and the same old bed where he brunt all the years of trust, dedication and love.
even though the bed smelt like dust that had settled on in years, he could smell the cologne of iwaizumi's cologne that he used to wear over his perfectly tanned and toned skin. he could clearly hear the god sculptured mans' morning voice that day when he woke him up to tell him how it was so pretty outside due to snow. he also had woke up Amaya to show her how snow looks like.
wait-
"shit." he jolt up from the bed, the tainted covers falling on the ruined wooden floor "shit shit shit," scrambling out he fished for his phone, eyes widening at the realization that he hadn't reached home since yesterday. slender fingers tapped all over the span of the guarded screen as he placed it over his ears. legs tapping on the creaky floor as he waited for a response from the other end.
"please pick u- hello?!" practically screaming he called out.
"hello? Mr. Oikawa?" a feminine voice answered back, low and sleep laced.
"ye- yeah. sorry i didn't reach home. Amaya- is she okay?" he could feel thorns poking his throat. it felt like an omen to even speak her name. his own daughters name. his voice wavered at the thought- no, memory- of her clutching his leg as she looked at him from her vision of sight. asking about her father to wake up.
it was so easy to tell her. to lie to her because, in the end she was just a kid- 3 year old- she would forget about her father like she forgot about her mother. its easy. just lie and move on. no explanation is required.
┊19th September, 2021.
the sky was unusually suffocating for an autumn season. the place, open and wide, was flooded with men and women sobbing and giving condolences for their loss of a friend, nephew, brother, son and a lover.
the scene looked like a black and white movie and he sat there, face blank with not a single tear shedding from his eyes, watching everyone do the job he couldn't do; cry.
rather he wondered why they were even crying. he was, if being honest, feeling light, like a burden from his shoulders was lifted off as he watched his pale, lifeless lover sleeping peacefully in the encased cushioned walls of his forever bed.
'at least, he doesn't have to know about my affair anymore.' was all he could repeat in his thick skull again and again each time he saw another extra sobbing and putting flowers on the half open cascade.
"dad?" a sweet saccharine voice, timid but audible enough for him to hear in the sweet sorrow he was witnessing, spoke up. looking down his eyes softened at the sight of his 3 year old looking at him expectantly for some answers.
"what is it?" he smiled tenderly at her, his slender warm fingers carding through her soft locks.
"why is father sleeping there? when will he wake up, i want to play in his arms." her pink lips jut out in a small pout.
oh. now how was he supposed to tell her that she can't play in his arms? not anymore. the tender smile, fucking fake, dropped down into a frown as he knew denying her would be a result to her hours of tantrums.
'all your fault to spoil her like this,' his jaws clenched in frustration 'Hajime.'
"i can't wake him up." he smiled covering up his frustration as he got up from his seat, collecting the little soul in his hands as he walked flawlessly towards the cascade "just," taking a deep breath "tell him you love him and we can leave so he can sleep peacefully, okay?" he ordered politely to which the child obliged.
he watched the kid turn towards they pale man, who she called her father, as she brought her small hand over her lips and leaving him a kiss that lingered in the air to reach for her father with a muffled smack of her lips against her palms.
"i love you, please wake up fast so we can play!" she happily chided, absolutely unaware about any of the thing that went on around her. ┊
he needed answers. he was desperate for them.
"she is," there was faint shuffling in the background as the lady spoke "she is sleeping right now. is everything okay?" the voice enquired.
he hummed, sighing in exhaustion "i will be, uh, late. so please take care of her." with that he hung up, tossing his phone on the bed, watching the bed dip under the mere weight of his phone.
his legs felt weak and the utter disgust for himself wasn't helping him in a bit. turning around he looked at the window, closed and tainted with dust, from where Iwaizumi used to watch out the scene for hours and hours.
his teeth grit together as he felt a sour tinge linger on his tongue that burnt his throat.
"i was so pathetic to you..." he whispered yet it came out completely audible.
"now you realize that? after two whole years?" a heavy voice boomed from the hallway near the bedroom in a berating tone. the voice gruff and loud was enough for oikawa to flinch as he turned his head way too suddenly with wide eyes.
"why are you here?" the brunette could only hiss at the sight of a man he wanted to see the least right now.
the man standing on the door ruffled his dark olive hair as he scrunched his face in annoyance. "why? i figured you were here."
"go away i don't need you to tell me that i fucked up. it was your fault too." venom dripping in his tone he turned away facing the window as he tried to look out at the view that Iwaizumi used to like a tad bit too much.
"it wasn't my fault. none of it was. you are selfish, Oikawa and you always will be. no fucking matter what." the male commented, disappointment undeniable audible in his tone.
was he wrong? no. it was a unspoken fact that he had voice out. oikawa was... selfish, pointing fingers at other to never feel the guilt and internal agony of a mistake. but pointing fingers never really change the direction of guilt, now does it?
he knows. he knows too well yet he chooses to throw a veil of ignorance over it and walk around like he has been the victim. a most common card he had always played in his life; victim card.
but now? it won't work. the realization and guilt is literally overflowing in black thick liquid all around, out of his system.
"please leave, i don't require you here." it was a simple order. anyone can follow it and oblige to it.
and so did Ushijima. but not before, "you have a 5 year old daughter, think about her."
and with that, oikawa was left alone. and he will be alone for the rest of his life. a payment for his sins. simple enough.
'i need answers..."
it was stupid to believe that the entries would end just like that. on the note to find more he fumbled into the the nightstand with the broken lampshade on it he found few crumpled sheets.
smoothing it out he let out a shaky breath as he saw a new set of date written with black ink.
❝7th August, 2021.
i am.. dying. i don't want to. i have a kid to take care of. Amaya is precious. who is going to be there for her? i wished to see all seasons with Toru but i can't. now? i can't even see it with Amaya. i just hope that Toru can give her the enough love from my behalf to you. so, Toru? if you ever find this, tell her i love her. i love her with my everything. i wished to see her grow but i can't. not anymore. so please look at her grow and achieve whatever she has always wished for.❞
"why are you crying?" a faint voice echoed as it dripped into his ears. a voice that was so familiar. a voice he didn't know he craved desperately to hear.
"i was selfish..." sob after sob raked his body and system completely as he replied back with an effort he never knew he had to put.
silence.
"you realized. love her on my behalf." there was a smile audible in the speech. "i will see you soon."
"mhm"
folding the paper neatly he tucked it into the folds of the hardcover diary before smoothing out another entry under his calloused fingers.
every date, every sentence, every word fueled another wave of regret into his system. but this was something he knew would come someday.
'i will change. i will embrace it.'
❝10th September, 2021.
i had a dream. i was happy, with Toru. he was happy with me. we were happy. were. we are not. we used to visit the dandelion field that blooms twice a year. full bloomed. Amaya loved it there. Toru take her there someday. tell her that this was the place i met you. this was the place i wished to make you mine. sucks i couldn't. hope Ushijima makes you happy.❞
"I would. i promise." he whispered in between he pained heart.
if only he could truly see who Iwaizumi Hajime was. if only he could love the man named Iwaizumi Hajime the way he deserved.
'its my fault. mine. mine. mine. mine!'
repeating the ordeal to fold the paper and putting it in the diary he prepared himself to read yet another only to have his brow to perk up in curiosity as he saw an envelope, baby pink with a small blue heart made on the corner. the name was of his daughters'. hastily but carefully he opened it.
❝Dear Amaya,
baby, i am Hajime. you will probably forget me till the time you will learn to read and get this letter. but.. i am your father. you used to play in my arms and watch the sunrise and sunset with utmost excitement.
i wished to see it more with you more in my arms but soon i can't. but i will still look at it for you. you are the only lady i have every loved. i love you. i hoped to see you grow up and become as pretty as your dad. sometimes things are not supposed to go the way they are supposed to. but that's okay. it's natural. learn to accept them and adopt them. he is a good man but he makes mistake. grow up and help him, okay?
i know how sweet and good soul you have so when you grow up love everyone. humans are beautiful, learn to love them. see you soon baby. kisses.
Love,
Hajime.❞
why? why? why?? just, why...?
"its just the way i was."
"i know."
carefully he wiped the remnants of stray tears of emotions as he placed the letter safely back in its folds making a mental note to give it to Amaya when she was a certain age.
❝toru,
i have a confession to make. you will probably find this or never find this. but i never had the guts to tell this to your face. i can't ruin the happiness you finally achieved. i am not holding a grudge against you for it. i hope you have the journey you wished for with Ushijima.
After the day i found out about your affair i started to get nightmares. it wasn't that bad. just the infidelity my dad used to show to my mom resurfaced. their fights and all. it is too much to take, Toru. I suffered. don't let this happed to Amaya. she lost her mother already. she is loosing me. she won't remember any of us but don't let her see what i have seen. i loved her the way i wished to be loved so love her just that way? i don't doubt you. just a request...❞
"i am late. i will. i will." he promised. a promise he will keep till his lungs will give out. he deemed to fulfill it no matter what.
pages after pages he flipped, smoothed and read them. pain pierced holes into his body confusing him to breathe beyond a limit or not. a value to pay, perhaps.
he vowed to fulfill all the wishes Iwaizumi wished for. he could have fulfill them himself but he is not there... anymore.
❝30th April, 2021.
i hate how i am so selfish. i hate how i can't hate Oikawa rather i am still selfishly, desperately in love with him. i love him just a bit to much and it truly hurts. it hurts to see him with someone. it hurts to know that i couldn't love him the way he deserved. i hate how i wasn't enough.❞
he could feel his heart shattering into pieces. pieces that would never be easy to gather back together. a vile hatred filled into his system for himself.
how fucking cruel to make a person hate themselves for something you have done.
"fucking imbecile." he cursed himself. self loath for the right word to describe his feelings for his past actions.
❝6 May, 2021.
i made milk bread for Toru. but i don't have the right to give it to them. he won't have it with the feeling and emotions he is supposed to have while eating them.❞
his eyes widened at the realization as a gasp left the constricts of his parched throat and the events that took place that day resurfaced.
┊6 May, 2021.
"Toru?" a man, bit more taller than the called out man tapped his shoulders.
"yeah?" the brunette turned with a tender smile and adoration filled his eyes as it met the man in front of him. these eyes of adoration was supposed to be for Iwaizumi yet they were displayed to Ushijima.
"i got you milk bread." he commented as he passed the nicely wrapped box to the shorter man.
oikawa couldn't help but cheer up and hug the buff man in front of him, thanking him for the efforts.
just like that Ushijima used to present himself with a nicely packed bento filled with different sweets and edibles oikawa just adored every week.┊
"no." words of denial slipped from his chapped lips.
doesn't matter how much he deny it. he knows, now. he knows now why they tasted so familiar.
"why...?"
"because that's what people do when they are miserably in love. sounds pathetic but it's true."
silent scream rolled down his tongue as he realized that it was never Ushijima to make milk bread but Iwaizumi. it was always him. everything felt like falling apart.
he wondered, is this how Hajime felt?
"yes."
❝17th August, 2021.
if i could go back in time and change the past, i would rather not. but the only thing i would hope for is to come back to take care of you and Amaya the way you both deserved. Goodbye, Oikawa Toru.❞
one sob, then another and another and another. there was no stop to it. the dam that was holding everything back broke down, the doors opening making all the pent up regretted emotions to flow out with a force no one can dream to take up with.
a chant of continuous 'sorry' and 'please' left his mouth as he read the last entry. the last entry written by Iwaizumi Hajime.
free?
free.
without guilt?
with guilt.
"why are you crying, Toru?" strong arms wrapped around the brunettes sobbing figure. "you are free, finally. live again. love again. in a right way."
"i am sorry, Hajime. i am so sorry. so fucking sorry. if only i loved you right. if only i didn't fuck things up. if only..." he sobbed in hysteria.
"Toru... it's time to let me go. this new place. new journey i am going is so beautiful, ethereal and serene. you will find me someday but not right now. not yet." Hajime coaxed him to the calm he was missing in him "it's not you, it had never been you. it's me who needs to be forgiven to stay pathetically in love with you. to not let you go. now i can. so can you. i never blamed you, in my living journey or in my afterlife."
warnings: my shit writing, fluff?? angst?? mentions of death (lmao)
pairings: ushijima x oikawa, iwaizumi x oikawa.
a/n: enjoy my trash <3
summary: realizations always hits in the end yet hits hard. Oikawa regrets his actions and will keep regretting for his whole life..
word count: 3.6k
❛19th January, 2023.❜
Key rattled in the keyhole as he turned them open, the voice a bit to loud for the mood. creaking the door open of his once shared apartment, with him. putting down the umbrella, which had frozen dews decorating its covers, he raided the area with tired eyes.
The windows, dusty and tainted, allowing slight light to bleed into the room, the dusty floor, marked with different stains, being illuminated. the couches covered with a pale cloth, preventing them from getting dirty. the shelf in the other corner were properly visible with spider webs all over. the rug, that was once sparkling clean now looked like had hardened mud and slit all over.
taking off his overcoat and hooking it over the rusty hooks embedded over the wall with torn off wallpapers just adjacent to the entry. nostalgia had hit him like a boulder falling over something much smaller and frail, completely crushing him as he saw all the unevenly hanging frames with them. smiling. happy.
why, why? why. why?! why??
padding into the room he scrunched his nose in frustration at the creaking sound of the wooden flooring. god, he was so used to the marble ones now. this was so annoying. so weird.
why was he even here? ah, in a week new residents will being coming here to start a new life. just like how they both had started 6 years ago...
'hope they don't end up like me' he made a mental note to wish the new family his best wishes for their journey they were going to go on.
sighing he strode towards the shelf. the lights flickered for a tad bit longer than they were supposed to. smoothly he started to pick up all the frames, empty, with photos (memories), or broken, and tossed them into the box he had brought along. what of he left them here? will the new family know about his sins of the past? he doesn't know.
moving further inside he kept picking up all the small items of misery (memories) and tossing them into the box. he wished them to burn to ashes. Oikawa just couldn't stand the pictures, the letters, the small items, gifts, souvenirs he had received by Iwaizumi in the past. with a white face he kept collecting all the stuff from room to room in a way to wipe away the remnants of the life they both had created.
cursing mentally as he stood in front of the last room, bedroom. a place where they shared everything, emotions, bodies, love, everything. entering the room he took a deep breath, eyes tight shut as he felt a suffocating gust hit his face. his breath hitched in his throat as he saw an all too familiar room. he could see his 'wasted' years in this room, doing everything and anything.
he worked upon collecting all the stuff he wanted to get rid of. he wanted to get rid of his existence. he was so close to it. he could start a new life. a free one. just a bit of fuel and a spark of flame.
after what felt like ages he felt content with the filled boxes with all the soon to be burned memories.
free? free. free!
a satisfied breath left his lungs, turning into a hazy white puff as it mixed into the chilly atmosphere of the room. the sun had already gone down with the rise of a crescent moon hanging in the sky with gloomy grey clouds. an indication to a snowy day that comes along.
snow?
his heart pang in the traps of his ribs at the thought.
┊a smiled crept on the shorter male's face, face flushed in soft hues of pink as he scrambled out from the warmth of the bed, dragging his feet towards the glass window that were draped with soft white silk curtains.
"Toru, wake up." he had called out to the sleeping male, curled up in the bed who just groaned at the call of his name.
"what is it?" voice raspy, he drawled out.
clicking his tongue, that had the room echo with the voice he tried to forget the small memory he reminisced just now. distracting himself he looked around the room for the last time.
"it snowed! its so pretty outside." he chided, his morning voice heavy yet a hint of excitement laced with it. ┊
snow. his favorite time of the season. Iwaizumi's happy season.
'nothing should be left behind..'
nodding to himself he stood up from the bed edge he had been sitting, leaving the room. once and for all.
free.
free?
his leg hit the nightside stand, the dusty lamp disbalancing and falling down. ignoring he broken pieces he picked up the head of the lamp to keep it back only for his eyes to get stuck at the small opening of the drawer.
nope.
opening the drawer slowly his eyes widened at the slightly stained hardcover diary comfortably lying caged in there.
he knows. he knows too well to not reach for it. to not open it. to not trace the pages with the tips of his fingers. to not read the date entry.
yet, he did it.
❝7th December, 2018.
today it snowed. it looked so ethereal outside. today is special for me. its the first time it snowed while my living with Toru. I wish to see more days like these with him.
-Hajime.❞
The first entry of the page.
"tsk, what's the point to write it down?" the brunette vocalized his thoughts. the thought of writing something so trivial sounded so stupid. why would he even to take the pain to write it all?
and so he flipped to the next page.
smoothing out the page he hummed as he felt Iwaizumi's clear writing under the cold touch of his fingers. so selfish.
he read all the pages. all the dates. all the events.
their first slow dance together in the dim living room on a summer evening, their first time on a rainy night, their first fight on a mid autumn season and how Hajime wished to fix it as soon as possible. everything was there in it.
it was always about them. never him alone. oikawa was always a spotlight.
humming in satisfaction that maybe, just maybe, he will be free. glad at the fact that iwaizumi didn't hold a grudge against him in any of these small snippets of life jotted down neatly in a captive of pale pages and hard covers.
pages fluttered as he flipped to another page. his brows furrowing as he found the page blank.
flip. then another and another and another. all of them were blank. pale and empty. his heart clenched and stung at the empty pages. it felt like a void of emotions. not his emotions but his long ago lovers'.
he flipped again, pupils dilating slightly as he saw a new date entry. but his stomach churned as he read the date.
❛11th September, 2020.❜
A whole year? from writing everyday, why was there a pause of a whole year? he flipped back to the previous empty pages. the pages weren't torn then why a year gap?
'unusual..'
but he shook away the feeling and flipped back to the new entry that he was yet to read.
❝I miss him... he has been working so much. i am happy that he is doing something he loves but its been long since we had done anything like we used to do...❞
a rush of guilt travelled through the span of his veins. he had fell out of love weeks before this new entry. but- did Iwaizumi knew about this fact?
┊8th July, 2020,
"will you tell him about us?" a gruff voice spoke, lying on the same comfort of bed that oikawa shared with iwaizumi. the respective owner of the voice stared up at the naked form of the brunette who was indulging himself in smoking and puffing out his lungs. a try to erase out the smell of sex? maybe.
"not yet..." oikawa slurred out as he puffed another heavy thick smoke into the traps of the four walled room "..he is too blind in love to even think about me doing such thing."
"you are not being fair with him." the voice spoke again after silence covered over the room.
if only he had tried harder. harder to be a better person, a better partner and a better human. but he didn't. pathetic.
"listen," he was pissed. oikawa was pissed at the accusation. he knew it was right, the accusation but he didn't want to accept that. the fact that he had fell out of love. "it's literally my life and my lover, i don' need your opinion about it, Ushijima."┊
guilt filled his system at the thought about how sick and vile his move was against someone who loved him unconditionally.
feeling the guilt pump up in him he flipped the page again. empty, blank, pale pages. again.
❝17th November, 2020.
Its still the same... he returns late home. we don't eat our meals together, our talks are short and have no emotions that it used to carry. i miss it. i miss it all. i will wait.❞
"why? what the fuck are you trying to do here. Hajime? are you trying to give me a guilt trip?" he voiced his deafening thoughts. how selfish of Iwaizumi to take such a step against him. his own lover.
"its working. so stop..." his voice wavered. was he really qualified enough to be labeled as a 'lover' for Hajime? after what all he had done to the other man he deserved it.
"stop. I don't deserve it." he does. he does deserve it. he knows it too well.
he flipped. then flipped. sobs raked his body as he read all the different dates all throughout the winter season of that dreaded years, 2020. he read Iwaizumi's thought, insecurities on maybe he was not good enough for Oikawa and how maybe he was done with him but staying with him out of pity.
He flipped to the page where an all too familiar date was jotted down. He remembers everything. every action he had taken that might have ruined iwaizumi bit by bit.
┊9th April, 2021.
the keys jingled as they clashed with the glass key holder in the porch area. the brunette ran his fingers through his hair and sighed out tiredly. 'work' was exhausting.
"hey." a low voice greeted him at the end of the hallway.
"hi, have you eaten?" oikawa replied back as fast as possible not wanting to hear any questions from the man standing in front of him, arms crossed over his chest.
"he shorted man shook his head. "i was waiting for you."
"i was out with my friend after practice, we have already eaten. you should eat too." he didn't know the heaviness of the words he had thrown on the other male.
"oh, that's fine." Iwaizumi smiled as he tried to take in and digest whatever was thrown over him by the taller male. "by the way, i got a present for you. it's kept in the bedroom."
"present for what? what's the occasion?" oikawa was quick to whip his head to the direction of the other male, who had his back turned at him as he fumbled around the kitchen.
there was a silence, an awkward and a heavy one.
Oikawa, now anxious, took a step forward "hey, ushijim- Hajime, what's the present for?" shit. shit for fuck sake he messed up.
"hm? what?" displaying an act of not catching he turned to face oikawa, the soft smile never faltering his features.
oikawa was quick to repeat the question. to which iwaizumi casually told him it was their anniversary.
"it's okay, you have been working a lot." he had stated.┊
maybe if Oikawa was true to the man. maybe if he had tried harder to love him more and in a correct manner he wouldn't be reading this. maybe if he had given iwaizumi what he had deserved.
❝9th April, 2021.
oh, i was right... it hurts to know i was not good enough but maybe i deserved it. i hope he is happy with this other guy he is with.❞
his heart dropped to his stomach. why was he accepting that? he knew when he had uttered out that other mans' name then why didn't he confront? why did he stay quiet? why didn't he ask him to leave?
why? why? why? why?!
and then no answer to these why's.
his body went numb at how blindly Iwaizumi stood there for him even knowing he was an option. second one.
flip.
flip.
flip.
he sobbed more as he kept tuning the pages. few pale blank empty and few with dates and entries were he was not good enough for oikawa and he could have been better.
"Its not your fault. its not. stop!" finally breaking down he sobbed into the diary, staining the pages with his tears.
❝19th July, 2021.
i was... diagnosed. glioblastoma (GBM). it was undiagnosed all this time and... how will i tell this to Toru?❞
"why?! why are you still thinking about me??? you were-" too much. thats the right word for what he was feeling at the moment. how could he still love him and think about him even though he was practically dying? just why?
all the memories flooded in. all the years of time they took to build a loving relationship only for oikawa to burn it down in one day, over a fucked up reason.
it could have been so easy if iwaizumi had confronted and cut ties then and there only. he was being selfish.
there was a strong urge to just burn the diary there only and act like it all never happened. it was so easy to do it.
but,
can he really do it?
no, he is ought to drown in all the pending guilt and regrets that had been filling up all his holes, draining into his system till it was overflowing. he has to suffer.
he flipped yet another page.
❝27th August, 2021.
i have regrets. i don't want to carry them with me to a new journey. I wanted to love oikawa the way he deserved. i wanted to be him only. its selfish, i know. i was supposed to propose him on our anniversary. i was supposed to care for him and grow old and gray with him. it was all about him. it will always be about him. i love you Toru... i always will. i will be leaving soon. i want to watch you from the sidelines but i can't, not anymore. i will look at you and cheer for you still. be happy, okay?❞
was this really how it was supposed to end?
"why? why didn't you ever tell me about this?" his breath came out ragged and labored. it didn't matter right now.
❝16th September, 2021.
i still love you but i can't burden you with what i am going through not when you are finally happy. i happy that you can confine in someone now. i love you and i always will.❞
those were just mere words written over dead pages by someone that didn't exist. not anymore. then why was it affecting so much? why did it feel like all the words were the boulders that kept stacking on and on over Oikawa's lean body?
there were so many whys and no one to answer...
his last memory flashed before his red puffy eyes.
┊18th September, 2021.
the balls smashed hard against the gym floors. sneakers squeaking against the polished floors.
hair hanging over his forehead oikawa flopped down on the floor. leaning back on one arm as he sipped harshly through his bottle. he let out a satisfied hum as his thirst was satiated only to stop mid tracks as he heard a muffled vibration coming from his bag flopped beside him.
rummaging and fishing the phone out as easy as any other task but when he saw the familiar number flash he was hesitant. nonetheless he answered only for his throat to go parch at the not so familiar voice reporting something he could never imagine of.
"you were on Mr. Iwaizumi's contact. he is in emergency right now. he had collapsed during his regular visit here so please come here as soon as possible." the line was dead then.
hastily packing his stuff he ran out the doors and reached his car. his mind running miles per hour. questions filling his head up to a level where it was hard to breathe.
reaching there he grimaced as the smell of countless death and sterile filled his senses.
"are you Mr. Oikawa?" the voice came up from behind as he was filling up his entry at the reception. whipping his head back he met a man, much older than him, in white coat who looked concerned and... sorry?
"yes. yes i am. what happened?!" he trailed behind the doctor like any lost puppy would do with a stranger who was friendly enough to pet it only to get kicked in the guts.
the doctor stopped after few rooms passed. sighing he removed his glasses and hung them over his chest pockets giving it a company with two pens that were sitting comfortably in it. "he is, uh, critical. he used to come here for treatment due to his frequent headaches. today was different. he collapsed while we were going through some tests. looking into it, there are multiple organ failure right now. not much is left for him." it felt like the world has come to an end. the floor beneath hem felt like it had moved, eating him alive.
pushing past the doctor he entered the room. eyes blowing up at the view he was welcomed to. a man, so strong and healthy, tied to all sorts of machines, a tube, a mere fucking tube, helping him breathe.
"Ha- Hajime...." he could only whisper out softly. but only to response.
he looked so pale, so lifeless, his heart barely even doing its only job. it was cold to touch him, the normal warmth was not there anymore. even after trying to warm up his hand he couldn't bring the missing warmth back again. not anymore.
"please- please tell me what happened.."
there was a heavy silent. a deafening one. nothing was audible other than the faint beeps and slowed breathing of the man on the cold bed of the hospital.
he was not going to leave like this. he is not that pathetic and weak to just die on his lover. not before he could tell him he loved him and he always will. no matter what.
but?
he can't speak.
now what? love is something that doesn't need to be conveyed through words.
his cold thumb brushed over the warm knuckles of the man standing beside him. he looked like he was falling apart. oikawa's brown warm gaze widened as he looked down at iwaizumi. he looked like he was taking his last breath. he looked like he was ready to start a new journey. he looked happy. his eyes showed nothing but love. it kept showing love as his eyes dilated and stilled. the touch still reflected love even if it went limp and cold.┊
another sob. then another and another and another. he sobbed there. curling into himself. all the tears tasted like guilt and regret. none of them were salty.
"why did you tell the doc to not tell me about the disease???" he cried out. his lungs burned. they begged him to breathe but he couldn't.
regrets were there. guilt was there.
"i am sorry i was so selfish."
he thought he could be free of them. he was tied down. forever. no matter what.
maybe if he loved him properly. maybe if he loved him the way he deserved.
i think the death note probably doesnt go by “legal” name but rather the name you tie your identity and self image with, and it makes no sense for the death note to abide by laws constructed by humans anyway. so i think that if youre trans youre safe from light yagami because hes transphobic and wouldnt write your actual name in it even if it was life or death
The FUNNIEST part about this is that it implies that writing “L” into the Death Note very well could have worked depending on the level of identity he associates with it and he was too stupid to even try
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