first thing's first i'll eat ya brains @professionalmaneater - Tumblr Blog

The silence is peaceful. From where she’s perched, she can hear owls, crickets, and the rustling of leaves. But the rest of the world is sleeping and she’s only just started to appreciate the tranquility in that. The tranquility of being alone; when the weight of downturned mouths and pitying eyes is non-existent. Some of them have the mind to stay quiet, Others… Others ask her how she’s doing, even if they’ve never bothered to ask before. Or worse, they say that they’re sorry for what happened to her, though they never elaborate on which part they’re talking about. It’s to the point where she can hear the empty apologies even when they remain unspoken. It’s to the point where she’s turned her phone on silent, ignored every single one of her friends’ attempts to hang out, and spent the majority of her time sleeping on the couch or sitting on the roof, mulling over how she’s meant to return to school now that everyone knows. Now that everyone’s sorry for “what happened” to her.

When she hears the creak of someone climbing out of the window behind her, she doesn’t even bother trying to hide the joint. Instead, she takes another hit and tucks her arm behind her head, holding it up in the wide empty space beside her as a silent offering. She hates her own voice with a passion. Even to her own ears, every word that leaves her mouth sounds so fucking pathetic.

professionalmaneater

It’s her turn to share the bed tonight, though Cam doesn’t revel in its luxury for long. A comfy space isn’t much use if you don’t use it well. Because, most nights she can’t sleep. There’s always too much going on: something to worry about, the previous day to mull over, a blog post to write. She slips from the covers of the bed and pads over to Caleb, sleeping on the floor nearest to the bed. With a little shoulder wiggle he’s awake, grumbling until he realizes what Cam’s doing -- giving him the bed. She rolls her eyes, tucks him up next to Nate, and hesitates before laying the tiniest press of her lips to his hair as he settles in.

The chair in the living room -- usually Dad’s chair in the mornings, afternoons, and evenings -- is her favorite place to sit and read at night. She clicks on the standing lamp and opens up the graphic novel Saga she’d recently borrowed from the library. The front window opening up to the yard and porch is curiously open, and Cam recognizes the scent tinting the breeze. She slips a bookmark into her page and sticks her top half out of the bottom window, noticing a figure on the roof and smoke trailing near them. She knows who it is -- this has become regular since. Since. By the by Cam’s ignored it, let her sister have her space, but. She aches -- heart clenches tight, holds her breathing captive -- when she ignores something like this. Cam climbs the way to the roof window with a mind split: confront it or let it be. She thinks about what she would have wanted, in Mattie’s position. But also what she might need. And those are, in Cam’s eyes, two very different things.

The proffered joint is waved away by Cam. There’s a niggling feeling within her to grab the weed from Mattie and throw it off the roof. But she knows that won’t do any good. And at least she’s doing it here, and not somewhere where she’s getting hurt. Again. Her split mind has no solution, and it keeps her from saying anything. She sits with her sister in the silence, leaning against the rough slats of the roof, watching her out of the corner of her eye. Warring between action and inaction.

#afuckinggremlin #= 3 =#bue

richardayoade

“The script itself was told honestly and simply but was filled with complexity. It deals with all the different hopes and fears humans of any age struggle with in a setting we don’t know much about. Grace, for me, stood as an example of a strong woman struggling to keep herself and the people she loves together.” - Brie Larson

#[ portraits of an seething feminist ball of sisterly rage ]

auideas

My bright lipstick serves as a warning to other people: danger, I am poisonous.

The Never Book (via auideas)

#[ top ten tips on how to burn the patriarchy to the ground ]#[ quotes ]

thequotejournals

I am sad and have a passion for unknown, distant places. I want to see the world. And I would love it, if I just had the chance to get away for a little while. But sadly, things aren’t that easy; desire won’t change a thing.

Abraham M. Alghanem, A Dying Flower. (via thequotejournals)

#quotes

wnq-writers

it’s a strange kind of loneliness , when you have too much to say but nobody to listen to it . choking on your own words .

Kriti.G (via wordsnquotes)

#[ quotes ]

themoonspells

#[ top ten tips on how to burn the patriarchy to the ground ]

nicolapeltzmedia

💥 — nicolaannepeltz

#[ wardrobe ; ]#amazed

bloodredsangria

#[ top ten tips on how to burn the patriarchy to the ground ]#she just fucking loves lipstick and gloss and colors like #this is just pure beauty how can you not #and there's so much symbolism behind lip color and femininity and edjshfks

mercury

#[ hc ]#definitely said this to her guidance counselor #i think she went to them a lot; not because she wasn't doing well in school but because the counselor sought her out and then she just #started hanging out in their office and eating lunch in there and having odd conversations with them about the random shit in her life #like she never had enough money to talk to a therapist but i guess if the government's paying for this person she'll take it #and it's a whole huge thing when she tells them she isn't coming back to school #that she's dropping out and losing all hope of a decent normal education #tears are definitely shed; probably by both of them #because there's so much hope and respect in their meetings; the counselor just has the best hopes for cam and cam when she's with #the counselor she feels like she can have hope for herself too; that someone understands her and still thinks she can make it out #but when it becomes so obvious that all those conversations and dreams are a sham cam just...shuts down on this person #it turns this absolute angel of a human being who took care of her when everything was falling apart into a demon who gave her dreams #and then didn't tell her that life was going to take them away #so yeah #ouch

☯: Open when we can’t communicate with each other ( {: {: {: )

Mattie,

The guidance counselor at your school said something about how writing –

I don’t know how to say this in person so I thought a letter –

You’re shutting down. I see it, with me and everyone else. This is how you cope. And I understand that. Burdening people with the stuff you’re going through is the last thing you want to do. Because what’s on your chest is so black, so corrupted, and so horrible that no one should have to bear it.

Especially not you.

Please, Mattie, let me in. I can’t lose you to the walls you’re building. Let me –

I remember I used to read you and Nate stories when you were little. And sometimes they’d be scary because the shit I had to read wasn’t really ‘kid’ appropriate. I’d do all the voices and you two would be tucked into bed, covers pressed up to your necks.

One night we read Watership Down. You know, the book with the bunnies; a few of them die at the end of the book, and in retrospect it was a little traumatizing. I closed the book when it was time for bed; Nate had already fallen asleep way before. But you were still up, avoiding my eyes and playing with the blanket on your chest.

Even then you tried to shut me out. I had to crawl into bed with the two of you and turn you round so you’d look me in the eye. I laid with you and held you for nearly two hours, listening to the sounds of mum and dad downstairs, before you even uttered a peep of what had been going on in your brain. Two hours felt like a lifetime, staring at you and not being able to help. But when you broke in my arms, even if only for a moment, it felt like healing.

It’s been three weeks, Mattie. I know well I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. Think you got that from me, to be honest.

Help me help you. Let me in. I want my little sister back. I want my Mattie back.

Cam

#afuckinggremlin #[ answered ]#eep #this is probably like...three weeks after the assault?

★ (when is it not lbr)

★: Open when we’re fighting (and it’s your fault)

Nate,

This is a letter you receive when I am so upset with you that I can’t even collect myself to talk face to face. So whatever it is you’ve done, it’s pretty fucked up.

I know I’m not as easygoing as Adam. I know I don’t let you have the freedom you want, and that I lose my chill far more often that you and Mattie think I should. But maybe think about what’s going through my head when you do stupid shit that puts your life in danger? If you’re reading this letter, I’ve also most likely grounded your ass so bad that if anything there is plenty of time to think about that.

Mom left and Dad fell apart when I was your age. Fifteen.

I had to leave a lot of things behind, a lot of goals I wanted to accomplish when that happened to me. To us. And now I try to make damn sure you guys get the opportunities I lost.

Which is why I get so goddamn angry when you do things you know aren’t safe, or could hurt you. It’s literally dismantling everything I fought to give you guys. Everything I’m still fighting to give you guys, because goddamn if I forget when I lost you guys to the government.

I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry this letter probably won’t make what’s happening inside you feel better. And I’m sorry I can’t take that pain away. If I could, I would. You and Caleb and Mattie deserve better than the shit you were handed.

But your pain should not be an excuse to lash out and hurt yourself and others. Use it to get out of here, to make something of yourself instead of rotting in this home without an education, without friends, without passion.

Think of this letter the next time you decide you want to do something reckless. And remember that next time, though I will be screaming bloody murder at you, behind all that is just a fifteen year old girl attempting to keep her family together.

Cam

#[ answered ]#trashcanincarnate