You're not supposed to think at all.

Christian Sayer. 35. Programmer. Computer Technician. [Independent OC RP blog inspired by this video]

[programmerxheart]

[thoughtiwasalive]

    To go, or not to go. That was the question. What he was offering her was limitless opportunity. It was beyond her four walls and responsibilities. It was beyond the life she had been conditioned to and forced into the moment she opened her eyes. This was a real life, one in which she could learn how to breathe, and feel, and exist. This was a life that changed everything…

    Everything…

    If they found out, he’d get in trouble. Kara didn’t know the exacts of the judicial system, but she was sure this crime wouldn’t garner anything positive for him. Besides, what would her mistress do… and the children…?

    It was all in Kara’s plastic, synthetic hands, now. The choice. She was the only one who could make it, after all. She considered this with a stare to her fingers, pale and shining in the light streaming through the window, and linked her fingers together, over and over and over and over…

     Was it FAIR, though? Was it fair to choose herself over every other living being in her equation, just because she was herself, and not them?

     It wasn’t. Despite Christian’s assurances and her own personal ponderings, she wasn’t real. She didn’t amount up to a real, flesh and blood human. It wasn’t fair to consider that her manufactured life was worth more than theirs.

    The thoughts stung, perhaps, but they were true nevertheless, and a reality the young android new she’d one day have to face.

    “… I don’t think I should. I… I’m sorry, Christian.”

[programmerxheart]

                      “Sweetheart, you don’t have anything to apologize for.”

            If he was honest, he felt relieved. To deal with this extra stress wasn’t his ideal, and as much as he thought of the android--well, he’d got his answer hadn’t he? There was the lingering thought that he should press her further, but with a swift shake of his head, Christian unlocked the car door and exited. He’d done what he could. 

          He’d offered an escape. If she wanted to remain here, then that was her decision. He returned his attention back to the tablet in his hands, signing off on her inspection.

                       “No problems, remember that, Kara. That’s still a promise I need you to keep.” 

         His words were said just loud enough for her to hear. There wasn’t anything else he could do for her. Christian made his way back up toward the house, knowing the android would follow. He just hoped she could continue doing that, following protocol--pretending to be wholly machine.

[thoughtiwasalive]

   Thinking is reserved for sentient beings. 

   Kara thought. That was not debatable. She had opinions, thoughts, goals, wishes – 

   But they were defects. They were not something to indulge in. They were issues, if found, would be resolved in her shutting down, in her death.

   An emotion she could not place swelled deep in her chest. 

   He thought she was a person, too. 

   “You’re just as much of a person as anyone else.” 

   Kara could not stop the flicker of a smile on her face, the moment that validation gave her. She had not realized she’d been searching for it until she heard the words around his voice. 

   “As much of a person as anyone else.” 

   What a strange thought. Her, a person, that could never age, that could never be free, that could never eat, drink, sleep – live. 

   This was her chance. Kara’s way out. Perhaps, the only moment she’d be offered a chance at humanity. 

   Her current owner was less than desirable, and though she’d never make such known to Christian, she disliked her. Kara could not relax in the presence of a woman who purred in her ears during the day and filled her night with memories she wished she could erase. The children were nice, but they thought of her as any other piece of equipment – nothing too hazardous for her that she could just be replaced. 

   And yet, even with all the reasons, stacked against her – the why she should stay, and how her master would feel if she’d realized she’d been replaced, and the trust she was beginning to build with the older one, against the why she shouldn’t stay, her need of freedom, and her fear, and her unease at her current life – she couldn’t decide. 

   Kara had never had to make a decision before in her life, after all. 

   She wasn’t programmed to make decisions. She was programmed to follow them.

   “… If you were me, what would you do, Christian? I mean… what do you think I should do?” 

[programmerxheart]

               It was a question of whether to follow programming, or to follow thought and wish--at least, that’s what Christian thought it might be. Follow orders, or follow your own ability to think. It wasn’t much different from the mentality of a soldier. A soldier was ‘programmed’ to do as he or she was told. He remembered having a problem coming back home. 

               Basic needs were met. They were (usually) simple--shower, get dressed, eat. Simple decisions met a road block. A simple question of what do you want to eat made him freeze. There were times, even now, where he found himself stuck. Those were the bad days, when everything came back to him in a rush, like it happened yesterday. 

               He understood how it felt not to be able to make a decision. 

                             “I like to travel a lot. My father bought Gulliver’s Travels and I got hooked,” Christian shrugged. “I liked the idea. Going around the world. Seeing things. If I were in your position, I would take the offer.” 

              As soon as he got his hands on something to read, that would be the end of it. He couldn’t just pretend he wasn’t alive.

                              “But if you don’t want to, it’s alright. I’m just offering the option,” Christian shifted, and wondered how long this had already took. This needed to be over, and soon. “We’re almost out of time, Kara.”

[thoughtiwasalive]

   Kara stared. She stared with eyes that were merely covers for her sensors – stared, looking for something she was unsure sensors could detect. 

   She couldn’t read minds. She couldn’t read emotions. She wasn’t updated with medical dictionaries, and couldn’t find mood swings as a symptom for diseases. She was merely a child with hardly a thought in her head. 

   Gray eyes stared and searched. 

   Something was wrong, but this time, Kara did not think she’d done it. 

   At least, not single-handedly. 

   His body was bent, slightly, and his hand traveled the course of his knee, over and over, swallowing and eyes dashing away. What was that? Was he upset? Was he… guilty? 

   Kara looked down at her own hands.

   Maybe she shouldn’t have mentioned anything. Maybe she shouldn’t have said anything at all. After all, she had broken a promise already, hadn’t she? 

   I won’t think anymore! 

   It’d been harder than she thought. ( Ha. Than she’d thought. )

   “I don’t want to upset you, Christian.” After all, none of this was his fault. She’d begged him to keep her alive – the downfall of such was her responsibility, not his. “I don’t believe – ”

   But such words ended, fell, froze. I believe and I don’t believe were regular phrases for humans, but for her? Even around him, she should be more careful. “You’re not to blame for what happened to me. I asked you for this.” 

   Her soft eyes, apologetic and gentle, took in the hard lines of the other’s face. It was strange to see him looking at her again, not behind glass. It was strange to hear these words from his mouth.

   Her memory was so acute that she could recall the last time she saw him as if it were still happening. Perhaps the lapse that humans suffered through memory changed them? Changed their outlook? 

   “Do you… really believe I’m a person, too?” 

[programmerxheart]

              Christian shifted, straightened in his seat. He felt out of sorts, and suddenly exhausted. He had thought about this for longer than he would have liked. How could he not think about it? Humanity always battled with the question of themselves, of life, of what made a person alive. Cogito ergo sum, Je pense, donc je suis, I think therefore I am. It was the argument for sentient beings, the argument that, if one doubted their own existence, their existence was therefore undoubted. He knew all about philosophy. His teenage years had been spent reading Descartes, Nietzsche, Kant, Socrates, Plato-- he could remember the books stacked side-by-side in the bookcase. Animals supposedly did not have that level of sentience, and therefore could not doubt their own existence. 

                                  I’ve only just been born; you can’t kill me yet.

                 In his disbelief, shock and then awe, he hadn’t taken that in. Subconsciously, of course, he had heard it--he heard I’m scared like a punch in the gut, and he went from disassembling an android, a tool, a computer, to reconstructing a body, a person, a sentient being. It came back to him in his nightmares, wake him up in cold sweat, gasping (you killed a lot of people, what was one more anyway), losing his dinner in the bathroom.

                         “I get up every morning, check my phone for the weather. I never really think about it. It’s just a phone. It’s a computer, with connection to a satellite millions of miles above my head, and it sends signals to the hardware in my phone to give me the information I asked for,” Christian tapped his fingers on his thigh to keep from the nervous tic with his knee. “It doesn’t think. It doesn’t tell me it wants to hop out of its casing and escape. It doesn’t tell me anything at all, it doesn’t have goals, or consider its future. The programs do as their told without thinking about it.”

                Christian waved a hand at the tablet. His mind stuttered as he tried to make his point. He looked at Kara, teeth biting down on his bottom lip.

                          “Thinking is reserved for sentient beings. People think. Maybe a dog thinks, but it’s not aware of itself. You’re aware of yourself. You made that clear. So, yes. I’ve had too much time to think about you. And ask myself if I made the right decision-- it was my decision to make. Whether you asked me or not,” Child or not, she was his responsibility--wasn’t that the reason he asked her not to step out of line? “What is your choice?”

[thoughtiwasalive]

   She’d done something wrong. Again. She could see it in the minute changes of his face that mirrored the default look on her mistress’ face – Kara could read it in the pounding of his heart that she seemed to feel with her own quantic batteries. Nerveless fingers linked together – fingers that saw and spoke but didn’t feel, fingers that offered nothing more than facts and data. 

   Christian, across from her, skimmed his tablet and breathed. His breaths seemed to be more labored than they had before, as if his mind was grappling with a way to explain something. 

   At the admission of his words, Kara felt her strength almost completely wear away. She knew her face had visibly, immediately dimmed. Nothing he could do. The bug was unfixable. Of course it was. Why should anything be simple in her life? 

   It was only seconds later that his proposal hit the air, but in her momentary misery, it had felt like an eternity. 

   The words Christian offered her did not seem honest. Though it was not in her programmed or adapted nature to distrust, she could not find it within herself immediately to believe in the words he offered. 

   You wouldn’t have to hide. 

   Didn’t that sound nice? Didn’t being alone, happy, safe, sound nice? 

   … But it wasn’t right. 

   Kara wasn’t a human. She didn’t get joy. She didn’t get security. She didn’t get hope, love, care. 

   “What are you talking about?” Though her voice was hardly above a whisper, as if this subject was so charged, even alone it must be whispered, it was still somewhat harsh. “You told me to stay in line. You told me – that you didn’t want any trouble.” There was an intake of breath from the young android, somewhat forced and shaky. “What if you got caught?” 

[programmerxheart]

                           “I know what I said.” 

           Defective model, disassemble-- You’re not supposed to think that kind of stuff--You’re not supposed to think at all--

           This was why. This was why he should have gone with his gut instinct, instead of giving her a chance. He needed a cigarette. Christian ran a hand through his hair and set the tablet down. Could he really commit this fraud? There were a thousand reasons why he shouldn’t. Her sentience was an anomaly, something he should have swept under the rug and gotten rid of. An android was meant to be tool--a highly capable computer with a pretty chassis. They were not meant to have choice, or a mind, or anything at all. This wasn’t right. 

                         “This isn’t right,” he swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. “You know what they call this? This is slavery. And I’m the one who put you here.” 

           That’s what it all came down to. He felt responsible. He knew too much about guilt. He had too much of it. Survivor’s guilt. Guilt over his ex-fiance. Guilty over his inability to control his temper. And this. He didn’t know exactly how he was supposed to feel toward Kara, but he felt guilty. Christian absently rubbed his knee, more of a comforting gesture than an actual response to pain. He shook his head. If he was caught, then Kara would be confiscated. Then what? Would he be put in jail for theft? Would he be fined? Christian wasn’t so sure he cared. He felt like he needed to rectify this, and this was the only way he could. 

                         “I don’t know. I don’t know what would happen. But I can’t just let this continue. One day, this won’t be enough for you, Kara. That’s how people are, and you’re as much of a person as anyone else.” If there was one thing he believed, it was that. “I’m not going to get caught. I know what I’m doing. You just have to give me a rejection or not.”

[thoughtiwasalive]

  If her sensors were anything to go by (and they were usually the onlything to go by), something she had done upset him. Even if the change in his stature was minute, it was immediate and following her words – unless it was due to something else, another external factor of the environment around them. With no real ability to prove or disprove what had caused his minor hiccup in appearance, Kara would have to go on. She knew how she’d felt if a human searched too deeply into her own feelings – and even the thought made a terror begin to leak somewhere from her chest.   “I enjoy my work. I’m – I was programmed to.” That’s what she believed, anyway. That’s what she had to believe. She couldn’t believe that she was given a brain and a soul only to accidentally fall in love with the same servitude that bound her. She had to believe that there was coding for her personality drilled into her wires, even if it made her feel much more two-dimensional than she liked to portray herself.   “There are times, though… that I feel odd. I feel like I need to leave. I want to run, and never stop – I want to go on a bus or a plane or a – a car.” She smiled at him, sort of shyly, before continuing with all the animated ferocity as before. “I want to see different landmarks, and countries. I want to understand everything. Sometimes, at night, I lose track of myself and am halfway to the front door before I realize what I’m trying to do.” It was the eldest’s room that always stopped her. She had a poster of Big Ben hanging on her wall, and it would always occur to Kara, as she went to pass the room by, that traveling was a human thing. With it came the daily, crushing reminder that she wasn’t human – there was a new one that always slammed her down every time she got the semblance of her mortality in her mind – and then she’d stop. Sometimes with glassy eyes, sinking back to the foot of her mistress’ bed, reading until it was closer to the time she awoke, when she’d lay aside her and feign they’d been holding each other all night.   “If there’s anything you can recommend to help fix my bug, I’d be really appreciative. We can’t have my owner waking up without me there, can we?” The laugh accompanying her words was mirthless, because deep down throbbed the horrifying conclusion that she’d reached recently, mere moments earlier – this was fun. Being out here, sort of defying rules, away from that woman…   Part of her wished Christian would start his car and make off with her.   The majority of her knew he couldn’t, and her very presence in the car had been bet on the fact that he wouldn’t.   Nothing was so important to humans as their jobs, was it? It seemed to be what they used to excuse themselves from friends, family, happiness, love.   Kara almost liked that, however.   It made her feel more as if she was one. They were both bound to duty. They were all servants to someone else, higher up.   Unlike them, however, Kara would always be stuck at the bottom of the pyramid.   Which is precisely why I need to get this bug sorted out.

[programmerxheart]

                 He nodded. There was some amount of personality coded into the androids. They would be blank-faced and inhuman otherwise. The point of the androids was to make them as human as possible--without having the sentience that came with actual humanity. That was the problem with Kara. She flew in the face of all the ideology. Perhaps they should have seen a 'bug' like this come up in the programming. There was a manner of autonomy in the programming, an algorithm that allowed the androids to 'learn' from their surroundings. That's why they had memory banks, a sense for danger, something akin to self-preservation, though that was primarily linked to not damaging their own circuitry not in any way that would cause harm to their human owners. Christian knew what the programming looked like. He had helped tweak some of it when they were in the initial phases. 

                       "For the most part. ...Otherwise all models would appear not to have any kind of emotional response. I don't know if it's the same as enjoying the work, but it's a default mode of expression--happiness, pleasure." 

                 Her continuation didn't make the anxious feeling abate. His fingers were about to check her hardware. He was about to make an internal scan, but as she continued talking he knew there was no fix to her 'bug'. Her 'bug' was a natural human response. If she wanted the bug to be fixed...well, it would have been meaningless to allow her a chance out here anyway. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to figure out some kind of loophole that could help. But there wasn't one. Unless her owners decided to bring them outside with her, she was confined to that home. There was nothing he could do. 

               He realized, a little belatedly, that he was sort of panicking. It wasn't that he was worried about his job (though if an android went missing out of nowhere and found off on her own in the middle of nowhere, they might look into it and he might be found out--but he had other options. He was more than capable of finding another job). It was the helplessness of the situation, the innocence with which she asked, the fact that he felt responsible for this whole thing. He sucked in a slow, deep breath. Relax, this isn't a kid with a bomb strapped to him. Christian thought, She's not dangerous. He was silent for a few seconds, pretending to look through the tablet in his hands. He looked up. 

                         "...That's not a bug I can fix." Christian shook his head, but an idea was forming. Part of him wanted to keep his mouth shut but he continued. "It's not a bug at all...but..." Maybe. "Kara. I think I can help you. I can tell them your faulty, that there's...something particularly wrong in your hardware and give them a replacement. You...would come with me. And..." And what? Christian frowned. "I have a model of my own. Prototype, but looks like any of the other models. I could change the coding, and its model number. I could send it back to the company in your stead. I'd take over as your 'owner'...You wouldn't have to hide." 

[thoughtiwasalive]

   “And…you’re not.”

   Those words. Those simple, bare little words. They branded her with freedom. They marked her with life many didn’t believe she possessed.

        Her smile was slow but real. There was something deep inside of her – somewhere where the soul was supposed to exist – that burned, strange, bright. It made her want to reach out and gather him into her arms, hold him there and never let go.

          … But even that emotion made little sense to an android who could not feel with her fingers, only with her sensors, so she pulled away instead, encasing herself in a steel confine both mentally and physically that she had known she’d always be destined to.

   And now came the tricky part, didn’t it? The task of answering a question she avoided, one she bowed her head and gnawed her lip to get away from.

            “I’m well kept.” Why was that the only thing she could think of? Why did she feel like a child, who didn’t know if something was bad but felt violated and frightened when certain things were done?

     It said it. Right in her activation speech. At your disposal for a sexual partner. Everything about what she had been programmed told her it wasn’t wrong.

     So why did it feel so… well, wrong?

    “I mind the kids. They’re smart. The younger one is funny  the older one is quiet, but I think she likes me.” Kara went to suck in her breath, out of habit, but instead forced calm, steady breathing. Nothing to alert him. She didn’t want him to feel badly, after all. “I like the little family. When I’m not needed, I read. Mostly very late at night. If my… if my owner isn’t awake.” Kara gave what she hoped was a convincing smile, and attempted to divert her mind to better things… like the fact that he was the reason for her life.

    “I’m… I’m really grateful to be alive. I’m happy.” Those were really just words, though. There was a yearning, a need to escape that often filled her day dreaming hours. She was sure some sort of defect caused such absent wonderings. Maybe she should ask him about it. This was his job, after all, wasn’t it? “But – actually, while we’re on this subject – I think I have a bug or something. I wasn’t going to mention it, but… well… since it’s you… maybe you could take a glance?”

[programmerxheart]

            He'd said the right thing, if her smile was anything to go by. He almost felt relieved, but he couldn't let himself relax yet. He had a gnawing feeling, one he knew wasn't unfounded, that the subsequent words would not make him feel better. They wouldn't relieve his worry, or his feelings of responsibility. They would only increase them. Christian shifted, almost uncomfortable. The ever damaged knee was just starting to twinge uncomfortably. 

            I'm well kept, she said. And he swallowed around a lump of anxiety that was threatening to choke him. This was wrong, and he knew it. He hadn't thought about it then. He hadn't thought beyond letting the woman live and have a chance--but he had later. Later all the questions had arose in his mind like mosquitoes buzzing by his ears (and he wouldn't admit turning over in bed to ask a question to a person who was no longer there). 

         He'd told no one and eventually over the months he'd forget about Kara. She'd always end up back in his mind eventually--it was difficult not to think about her considering where he worked. But there were days he'd forget there was a sentient model doing whatever anyone wished of her. All the morality and ethics questions would crowd up in his head. He'd wondered if it would be rape if someone fucked her. It'd pissed him off at the time and he'd nearly broken his hand (again) smacking it into the wall, but there was nothing he could do about it. Maybe he'd been right to think of disassembling her first. 

        And of course she'd have to hide these things. Reading wasn't something an android did for pleasure. They did not understand such things. They were programmed to do whatever they needed. Humans were curious, they questioned, they sought out answers. Should she show that during their waking hours someone would become suspicious and perhaps even afraid. Christian refrained from running a hand over his face, and instead rubbed his knee. 

                "A bug?" His mouth felt dry. His expression, which had been conflicted, returned to his 'work' persona. "Uh, yeah, sure bab--Kara. Just tell me what I'm looking for, and I'll pinpoint the issue, no problem."

[thoughtiwasalive]

        It was better – almost more peaceful – to be here, alone, with him. Kara hadn’t truly had her guard down in… well, a year. Between the kids… and her new owner… and the cleaning, and the working, and the sneaking books… Kara had felt exhausted in a way that she was sure couldn’t be erased with a good night of sleep.

       Sometimes, peering over the cover of a book and watching the sleeping body of her master, she wondered if sleep would make her feel better. She wondered if androids weren’t supposed to have a human heart, because a human heart needed eight hours of silence.

       His question made the joy that had been surrounding escaping (even for a brief moment, of course) and sitting in a car fade, slightly. Her expression took a serious hit, something between submission and apology bending her plastic face.

       “… I haven’t caused any problems, if that’s what you mean.” Just like she’d promised. No problems.

       “Unless – you didn’t get in trouble, did you?” It was a question that had been begging to come out of her lips, one she had just been barely holding back until this very moment.  

[programmerxheart]

                         "No, No--that's not that what I..."

          Of course that's what she would think first. He'd phrased his question wrongly. Christian sighed, allowing his emotions free to the surface. His internal conflict was clearly visible on his face. He shook his head and wondered how he got himself into this mess. This was an unforeseen circumstance and he felt--he felt responsible. He felt like he needed to look after her, but for the past year he'd tried his best to brush that feeling away. She shouldn't be his problem, and yet she was. 

                        "I didn't get in trouble." 

          He could have. He could have if his superiors ever got wind of this. He still could. The thoughts swirling in his head, options that didn't seem viable but were nonetheless there. Christian had considered bringing up the model number and attempting to buy her himself--but he didn't have hardly enough money for that. He had one of the earlier prototypes, a 'gift' of sorts from company for being one of the operating technicians. It had issues; minor things--like hanging in a middle of a movement for a few seconds before rebooting the process. He wondered how she processed things; how programming and independent thought coalesced to make Kara as she was. Yeah, his head hurt. 

                       "Sweetheart," The pet name slipped out almost unconsciously. "I'm not asking you as an android. I'm not asking about performance. I want to know if... I need to know if you're okay like this. They don't know your different. I know they probably treat you just like any other piece of machinery. And...you're not." 

            Admitting it out loud felt surreal, like this wasn't something he'd ever thought would occur. But he needed to say it. He needed to make his feelings as clear as could be. If there was anything wrong, maybe he could do something about the situation, but he needed to know first. What that 'something' might be he had no idea.

[antihercine-blog]

TAGGED BY: ithought-iwasalive

Repost this & tag ten people you want to get to know better:

laughs i dont even have ten followers on here.

Name: Sam Nicknames: Sam. Raive Birthday: Oct. 23 Gender: Cis female Sexual Orientation: Heteromantic heterosexual

Favorite color: blue, purple, black, red Time and date at current moment: 4:05 pm Jan 3 Average hours of sleep: uh. depends. 5-9 or if im lazy as hell 12. Lucky Number: 15? Last thing I googled: i dont remember 

First word that comes to mind: buffalo One place that makes me happy: my room. How many blankets I sleep under: Two quilts.

Favorite Fictional Character: LAUGHS. let's go with Luke Skywalker since he's been my favorite the longest. but there's about a hundred. Book: The Great Gatsby. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Animation: uh. series, Shingeki no Kyojin or Rurouni Kenshin. Movie, Tangled or Up TV show: Supernatural  I guess. Favorite Beverage: MILK. or coffee....or tea. Favorite Food: Salmon and pasta.

Last movie I’ve seen in cinemas: battle of five armies. such disappoint. Dream Holiday: Greece. Dream Wedding: Beach wedding.  Dream Job: Actress.

[thoughtiwasalive]

        Kara’s steady feet followed the unnamed human who had saved her all that time ago out of the room she had been being examined in and out into the bright day. Her optical sensors adjusted immediately, without even the slightest of hesitations, and the world portrayed itself to her in a rather crisp, clear picture.

             She attempted to contain the excitement that was beating through her quantic batteries – a car! – as she stepped towards the pile of metal. Kara pulled on the handle carefully, unsure, as if her hands didn’t know if they could really fasten around the door and let herself in… but at his motion, she allowed herself within the vehicle.

          It was… beautiful.

      Darker in here, and she allowed her eyes to adjust as she scanned the area. There was a smell registering on her screens that apparently was harmless to human life, one associated with leather and machinery. She turned and looked out the back window, at the back seat, and then directed her attention to the console, the controls, steering wheel. All of it was so foreign, and yet somehow, so intimately familiar. She couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on her face as she swayed slightly, turning around to look out the tinted mirrors at the world now shielded through rays of black.

               His voice drew her attention back, and she turned to take in the image of the product inspector that had saved her all that time ago. A smile creased her face, and she bowed her head towards him. “Christian Sayer,” she repeated. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, too.” She knew that he knew she meant it, with every fiber of her being. Pleased. “Officially, that is.” The bite of a grin followed her words.

           She wasn’t sure what to say. The world was beautiful and he was the one who had given it to her, and somehow, she felt so much wiser and so much younger, and she hoped he hadn’t gotten in trouble because of what he did to save her – but all those thoughts jumbled up like circuitry wired together incorrectly, and not a sound passed through her as she smiled, kindly, at him.

[programmerxheart]

         Kara obviously had never been inside a car beofre if her reaction was anything to go by. She seemed to be processing everything around her with a kind of child-like curiosity that both astounded Christian and made him nervous at the same time. It wasn't unusual for an android not to be driven around; though some owners did. What was unusual was her reaction, considering a normal android would have simply sat in the car without even paying much attention to their surroundings. It was unnerving sometimes. They were so life-like and yet Christian was too aware of their artificiality. And yet here was Kara, with her duality--machine with the soul and sentience of a human being. A chill ran down his spine.

                 "Right, officially." He laughed a little. The tension in his shoulders eased slightly. It seemed that the android was glad for this meeting. Despite his near mistake, he'd let her go. Despite her smile, he wondered if it had been the right thing to do. Saving her, letting her live wasn't wrong. But this had to be. Keeping her in this state of slavery had to be wrong, but he didn't know if he could change that. She was still an android, she was still a robot. He doubted that anyone would consider her to have the same rights as humans. He could feel a headache building behind his eyes.

                  "Tell me. How has it been like the past year? Has it been...good?" Christian floundered for words, feeling as if his usual oratory skills were lost. The question sounded stupid and thick in his mouth.    

[fierykage]

Pick one of your muses.

Fill in the questions/statements as if you were your muse in a new post.

Tag five people to do this meme~

Tagged by ithought-iwasalive

1. What is your name? "Christian."

2. What is your real name? "I didn't give a fake one, but my full name is Christian Sayer."

3. Do you know why you were called that? "My mother liked the name. That's about it."

4. Are you single or taken? "Single."

5. Have any abilities or powers? "That's only for the comic books and movies." 

6. Stop being a Mary Sue.  "Are you mocking me?"

7. What’s your eye color? "Blue. Some people say it's a gray-blue."

8. How about your hair color? "Blond. What are you asking me all of this for?"

9. Have you any family members? "I do. A sister and both parents are alive. I have a scattering of extended family members as well."

10. Oh? What about pets? "Not at the moment. I am considering getting a dog, though."

11. That’s cool I guess, now tell me about something you don’t like. "My inability to control my anger. And my knee."

12. Do you have any hobbies/activities you like doing? "I program video games on occasion as well as make music."

13. Ever hurt anyone before? "Yes."

14. Ever….killed anyone before? ”Yes."

15. What kind of animal are you? "A human being. The worst kind."

16. Name your worst habits. "Being unable to have a discussion without getting angry, judging people too quickly, being too quick to react."

17. Do you look up to anyone at all? "My father is a pretty good example of a decent, well-meaning individual."

18. Gay, straight, or bisexual? "Bisexual."

19. Do you go to school? "Not for a while."

20. Do you ever want to marry and have kids one day? "Yeah, maybe one day if I find someone again."

21. Do you have any fanboys/fangirls?  "I'm pretty sure that's a no."

22. What are you most afraid of? ”The unknown. Finding out that these androids are more alive than we thought."

23. What do you usually wear? "A suit at work. Jeans and long sleeved shirts on leisure time."

24. Do you love someone? "Not right now."

25. When was the last time you wet yourself? ”Not since I was a tiny kid."

26. Well, it’s not over yet! "You never mentioned it might be."

27. What class are you?(High class, middle class, low class) "Probably upper middle class. I'm lucky for my job."

28. How many friends do you have? "I've work friends, drinking buddies and friends who come around to watch movies since I'm the one with with the largest television."

29. What are your thoughts on pie? "Pumpkin and chocolate are the best pies."

30. Favorite drink? "Coke. Rum and coke."

31. What’s your favorite place? "My study."

32. Are you interested in someone~ "I feel as if you've asked this already."

33. What’s your bra cup size and/or how big is your willy? "That's inappropriate."

34. Would you rather swim in the lake or the ocean? "Lake. Oceans are too vast."

35. What’s your type?  "Depends. I suppose I like a person who can take control of a situation and be very dominant. Be it woman or man."

36. Any fetishes? "Erotic asphyxiation."

37. Seme or uke? Top or Bottom? Dominant or Submissive? ”Depends. But probably on the submissive end.”

39. Are you wanting the quiz to end? "What is the point of skipping over numbers?"

40. Now it’s over! Tag five people: go ahead and do it.

[thoughtiwasalive]

        Indeed, he remembered! He saw the light in her eyes and recognized her. She could see it in the creases of his smile, hear it in his lilting voice. And then came the question. One she had been expecting, but should have been more braced for. “Well – …

                   “She doesn’t really call me anything. She said she didn’t want that much responsibility. I’m mostly referred to by her as ‘you there’, or ‘Vivian’ – that was her late wife – or ‘bot thing’.” That last one amused her, for some reason, and she tried to hide the bubble of a grin. “But the kids call me Kara. Does that count?”

     At his request, she attempted to keep calm. In his car? They could talk more safely there!

   She’d never been in a car, either – just a cargo unit, and then dropped off at the house where she now presided and worked. Does this mean she’s going to get to sit in a passenger seat? She wondered what the car would be look like, how the sound and smell signatures would register on her scanners, how unlimited the computers within it would be.

                       “Alright. Yeah! Lead the way.” 

[programmerxheart]

             "In a sense." 

    It just meant she'd told the children said name, not that that mattered. If the woman never took the time to initialize her properly, it was perfectly okay for the name to remain without problems. He almost gave a sigh of relief. This was rather lucky, or unlucky, depending on one's view point. That being said, Christian had hoped that she wouldn't be renamed. He couldn't explain that one. I've only just been born-- Christian gave a mental shake of his head. He could explain that, he just didn't want to consider it (Katherine, his ex-fiance, had wanted children and Kara was just one name he'd liked when they were considering it down the road). 

    But it wasn't like he thought of the android as his child or anything--that would be wrong in more ways than one. Christian tucked the thought away and this time actually did shake his head. He had to think in the moment, not about failed plans or questioning his interest in the android. Without a word he turned, motioning for her to follow. There was only the faintest of differences between the other models her. He might even been prescribing the differences to her. The androids were meant to emulate women, humanity, and did so almost perfectly. 

     The car was parked out in front. It was the company's, noted by the AX400 logo slapped along the side. He gestured to the passenger seat, settling into the driver's one himself. The computer he'd mentioned was attached to the dashboard--definitely not as portable, still more than capable to do the task he was assigned. He closed the door.

            "I'm sure you realized I didn't bring you in here to continue your maintenance review." Christian said, releasing the tablet on the center console. "My name is Christian Sayer, technician operator and programmer for the AX-400 series of android, but you already knew my position. It's...a pleasure to finally meet you face to face, and not behind a screen."

[thoughtiwasalive]

        It was him.

   It had to be him.

   The programmer that had saved her.

   The programmer that had doomed her.

   And yet, here they were, pretending they did not see the spark in one anothers’ eyes, exchanging lines stiffly, almost as if they both only operated with some sort of internal programming.

   “My name is Kara.” That would jog his memory, wouldn’t it? Perhaps he’d remember! Ask her about it!

   Or perhaps he’d move merely on to his next question, with the dullness in his eyes just slightly lifted. 

[programmerxheart]

      If there had been any doubt, there wasn't now. The name that came from her speakers was the one he had given her. Fingers tightened around the tablet. It was an answer to a question he hadn't even though to ask. She recognized him. The next question was there on the screen, but instead he deviated. Eyes glanced up to see if the owner was nearby. They had disappeared somewhere, off to another room in the house. Their audience was gone.

               "And was that name given to you by your current owners?"

        Definitely not a standard question. He had all her data, there wa no need to question if she got it right. He wondered how that first day went. All other models were re-initialized to factory settings. Kara was the only one still on. Christian fished for an excuse to get her alone, and realized it was easier than he thought.

               "Hold on, it looks like I'm having another malfunction with this tablet. I need you to come outside with me, honey, and we can continue  your maintenance by my car. The computer in there isn't quite as portable as this."

[thoughtiwasalive]

        There was an increase in the heart rate of the individual that was monitoring her. He seemed to be frightened, offering and showing signs of fear at the mere numbers and letters.

   No, she chastised herself, automatically. It cannot be.

   And then he said the word. A simple, near meaningless phrase that had been etched into her mind long ago. Honey. No one else had called her honey before or after that day. There was only one human who had referred to her in such a manner…

   Kara immediately accessed her audio and visual files in her mind, searching for a match. The lilt and string of the voice she found internally near perfectly matched the one she was currently hearing. The face that she found, blurred bright blue by a computer screen, was near identical. The past year showed on this stranger’s face, in the length of his hair, the creases in his skin, the posture of his body. But there was no mistaking it. This was… the programmer.

   But Kara was not supposed to mention such. Kara was not supposed to question anything he said or did. Kara was a servant, and he was one of her many, many masters.

   She nodded at him, with the same slight smile she had given him in the room when the two of them were alone, and not surrounded by hundreds of prying eyes. Her emotions should not shock any. They were pieces of programming that many of her model could replicate.

   She held out her arms in front of her, bent them slowly and languidly. She turned her head side to side, began to sway with her movements. Her feet stepped forward and backwards, and then spun, on her tippy toes. She allowed herself a slight smile as she moved, before turning back to the programmer, masking her face into blankness, but still holding a hopeful excitement in her eyes, an emotion that she could never eradicate entirely.

[programmerxheart]

       Christian couldn't tell anything about the android's mental processes or the fact that she recognized him. He didn't even think about it. The smile she gave him was, however, noted if only because-- to Christian, whom had done too many maintenance checks over the last few weeks, the smile was different. Most of the other models merely did as they were told without a change in their expression. They might have had a smile on their face, they might have had a somewhat passive blankness instead. The smile was just a little different, and it gave him all the information he needed. 

           "Motor skills check, looks like you're in working order on that front." Christian tapped the tablet in his hands. The check mark appeared on the screen, and he wondered if he'd have to hide this too. 

          "Now I'm just going to ask you a few questions to make sure your programming is alright. Can't have any memory banks malfunctioning now, can we?" 

     He wondered if this was wrong. It didn't feel right. There was something he should have been doing for her, not just going along with the usual assessment. Humans weren't supposed to be slaves, and even if she wasn't human-- Christian scanned the questions. All of them generic, six of them, just to make sure the process when the android was initialized was still in the data banks. But he already knew that this particular android, that Kara, was functioning perfectly. Most models on the first year were fine. Still, this was different.

        "Can you tell me your name, honey?" Christian suddenly realized he wanted to get a moment alone with her--figure something out to put his own conscience at peace. Was she content, happy, living like she'd wanted to? Probably she was, probably she wasn't, but he wouldn't get that answer here.

[joshholloway-source]

[thoughtiwasalive]

        She’s got this. She’s got this.

   Her family was very satisfied with her.   She’d stayed in line. She was good.

   But… that voice. That voice! It sounded just like   the one in her files, in her memory – Answer the question, Kara.

   “KPC897504C,” she replied, as emptily as she could, staring blankly ahead. 

[programmerxheart]

      KPC897504C. It took only a second to click. Fuck. Christian had hoped one of the other operators would come along this particular model. The I.D. number was practically seared into his brain. The thought of the android kept him up at night, partly because he was afraid he'd lose his job, and partly because--wasn't she an apparently sentient being forced into a life of slavery? He paused for a beat too long, considering his next step. Should he continue on with the maintenance check, or should he go about a different mode of questioning? He jotted the serial number into the tablet, and it pulled up information he himself had typed in upon her initialization.

              "Alright, I'm here to do a quick maintenance check, make sure everything's...functioning." He cleared his throat. "You've been active for a little over a year now, so there shouldn't be anything out of place. I'm going to run a diagnostics scan and ask you a few questions..."

     Except a diagnostics scan would pick up the inconsistency in her programming. It would come up as an error. He'd kept Kara's initialization test video himself, but edited the official one (something that could have gotten him in trouble, but no one had noticed). There was no person other than himself who was aware of this special model. He cleared his throat again.

            "Never mind that, looks like there's a problem with my tablet. How about you just give a demonstration of your motor skills first, honey."

[joshholloway-source]