Project Emily

Nine months after breaking up with my first true love, I am ready to take on Project Emily. Today, I choose to be happy, to be single, and to focus on me. This blog is just a place for me to reflect through the process of Project Emily. 

[project-emily]

The Climb

The past weeks have been filled with insecurities and self doubt. Do I feel it at every moment of the day? no. But when it creeps up, it hurts. 

My life has been about working to get somewhere, knowing that I can always do more to get there, but never knowing how much farther I need to go. I have come to realize that I perfectly enjoy working and climbing the mountain, but I am too scared to reach the summit. Am I strong enough to get there? Do I deserve to have the view from the top? If I were to ever reach the top, then what? 

I made the goal of getting my PhD when I was 16, always dreamt of meeting the perfect man, getting married and having a family. Spending life traveling through a tunnel hoping it leads to a bright end. Now I see the light, but I am scared of how fast is gets closer and closer. Blindingly bright. 

How do I repair such insecurities? I know I would regret giving up, but how do I conquer the fear? 

I rather just keep climbing....

[project-emily]

Moving up

27 years, I thought major life decisions were accompanied by emotional excitement and fluttering nerves. Now, I feel these decisions are filled with comfort and a natural ease, and maybe just a hint of nerve. The comfort more a sense of clarity, and the hint of nerves because it is something brand new. That is when you know they are the right decisions at the right time. Completely unforced. 

Picking the right person to be by your side day in and day out needs to have the feeling of effortlessness. All relationships require work, but the right ones, the work is filled with care and love.

[project-emily]

I have a secret...

He said, "I have a secret too... I love you" December 11th 2015

[project-emily]

Why I love you

No matter how sad I am, I can’t seem to cry around you. Not because I don’t feel safe, but because you make the tears go away and bring a smile to my face. 

You think I am beautiful with frizzy hair and no makeup. Every morning I get to put on my makeup for myself and no one else. 

You make me feel important, like I worth something and so is my happiness. 

You remind me that I don’t have to fight for your attention, because I already have it. 

Keeping a life outside of each other is important. You make sure I don’t lose mine again. 

You think of me more than I think about myself, because I am busy thinking about you. 

Now, how do I tell you I love you? 

[project-emily]

Left on the sidewalk

Why do I still think about that one night? Why do I still feel pain when my life now is so much better? One year ago today. The day he broke my heart for the second time and left me with a scar that I have to carry with me forever. The physical scar not as painful as the emotional one. I have now spent the last year battling through those emotions. Some days harder than the rest. 

My new love brings me the freedom to let those emotions go, to not let that scar matter.  But today I do remember. I remember how it felt to be so broken, making it so easy for him to break me again. To some trust is just a word that people use to take advantage. To me trust is an action. It is not something you say, it is something you do. That one person took my trust that night and left in on the sidewalk. I rarely get lucky to find things when they are lost, but maybe all my luck was to come at once. A wonderful person found my broken trust and returned it to me. 

I truly hope to never have to feel pain with this day again.

[project-emily]

October long weekend, I went on an adventure with my new partner in crime. Not only was this a completely new experience for me, camping for two nights and going on a long day hike, but it was also a new adventure in my relationship. 

After reading Wild, I decided I needed to hike the Pacific Crest Trail for one month with my two best friends when we turn 30. The biggest challenge about this is that I have never done a hike longer than 5 hours. This last adventure took us to Three Sisters Wilderness in Oregon. We spent two nights camping and 8 hours hiking. Two of those hours were spent on the Pacific Crest Trail! It was quite the inspiring trip. We hiked through lava fields, meadows, and across streams. Not a cloud in the sky, just the path ahead and a friend by my side. This was the first breath of what is ahead over the next three years before embarking on the one month trip. 

Exploring nature and challenging myself to go farther. Farther into the woods, farther into my fears of the unknown, farther until I reach the peak and can see the impact this adventuring will have on my life. A 360 view of where I have come from and where I will go. 

[project-emily]

The moment you know

For weeks, thoughts and feelings have been swimming laps between my head and my heart. Unsure of how to put it all together, the pieces finally fell into place. 

In my career, I found the courage to pick my committee members. The four people I will have to impress to pass my general exams and thesis defence. Initially this decision felt overwhelming, committing to a group of brilliant physicists to prove myself as a candidate worthy of achieving a doctorate degree. I am ready. Bring on the questions and challenge me. 

Love. Falling in love is scary when you know how much pain it can cause if it fails. How do you know that person is fully committed to you or feels the same way? How do you put away your insecurities and put 100% trust into one person? Confidence. I am confident in how I feel. I know. 

[project-emily]

This moment, this feeling

As curious as I am about what the future holds, I know once I am there, these are the days I will look back on and hold on to with every bit of my heart. 

[project-emily]

Phase Three

Moving forward. Some big things have happened in my life since the start of Phase Two. Completed my exams, closed the book on the break up that led to Project Emily, and shared many laughs with a new someone. There is no more looking back, just ahead, bringing me to the next phase of Project Emily. 

Here are the goals for Phase Three:

1) New Adventures: In love and in life. I have started to embrace the adventures of the outdoors. I traded in some high heels for a pair of hiking boots and a sleeping bag. There are so much natural beauty in our backyards, we just have to go find it. My new relationship also brings new adventures and new love. Just like nature, this new man holds hidden gems, just waiting to be discovered. 

2) Confidence: This one was in Phase Two, but I am placing it here with a slightly different meaning. I have suffered a loss in my academic work, but I will stay strong and persevere. I gained a lot of personal confidence and one person cannot take that away. Not today. 

3) Commit: Committing to plans with friends. It is easy to flake out on friends if a better plan comes along. But, why would I want friends to flake out on me? I will make time for my friends and commit to our plans. My friendships have come to a point where I hang out with each one separately, making it more effort to see each one. But, in the end, it means I keep the ones that are true and important. Make the time and commit. 

4) Productivity: Finding productivity in the mornings. I have the most energy and focus in the morning, so why not use it? I will work on waking up a bit earlier to get in even 30 mins of additional work. This will include housework, to reading on the bus, to getting to school early to get started on the days list. 

Lately, the days have been a bit of a drag and my energy quite low. Hopefully, I can use the progression into Phase Three to lift me up and bring the sunshine back to my days. 

[project-emily]

For the last time

You said you felt like you would never see me again.  You were right.  You will see me standing there, but you will never see who I am.

[project-emily]

Closing the book

The break up story that led to Project Emily: Page one was written three years ago and the last page ends today. When I started Project Emily I didn’t know how the story would end. Would it be an open ending washed away by the rain? Or would there be a conclusion of solidarity? 

It ended with a 45 minute conversation. An unexpected apology of the moment when I hit the bottom, followed by forgiveness of everything. Because everything has already been written and now sits on the self to get dusty. Every tear, every scream, every piece of the heart that fell in love and then shattered. 

Great love leads to great pain. Not all love stories have a happy ending, and sometimes they just have to come to an end. The break up more tragic than the love itself. Over and done. Closed. 

Now, it is time to open a new book, page one….

Note: I thought I would have a million more thoughts when writing this post. Not knowing when I would be writing it, I thought I would have a lot of feelings to express and let out. But, as the ending conversation was short, so is this post. With all that happened, there is not much more to say or feel. I have let it go. 

[project-emily]

A Test of Strength

What do you do when you work hard, learn a lot, build confidence in yourself that you never knew you had, but you only receive 20% for your effort?

It hurts, it is confusing and frustrating.

Just about one year ago I had my heart broken, shattered to million pieces. I had no idea how I would ever be able to pick them up again. One piece at a time. I was eager for a year to pass, to see where I would be today, how it would all work out. What I did not know was that I had yet to hit the bottom. When I finally hit, I knew. I knew there was no more falling. I could only start to rise, so I did. I found someone new to hold my heart, knowing that it is not mine to keep, but to share. 

I can say without a doubt that my broken heart gave me more strength in every aspect of my life. It is only when we get knocked down again that we can see our true strength. 

The comprehensive exam tests more than just your knowledge. I approached with confidence. Confident in what I knew and not afraid to try. This is not something I was capable of a year ago. I am proud of what I have accomplished and grateful for those that were there to catch me when I fell. If what I know is only 20%, then in one more year I will be able to learn so much more and finally prove myself. It hurts to fail and get knocked down, but the good thing is that once you are at the bottom, you can only go up. So up I will go! 

[project-emily]

Perfect Practice

My real first love in life was ballet. I fell in love when I was just a few years old. From that moment, ballet provided me with more than the gift of dancing with grace and pointed toes. It taught me discipline, hard work, and self evaluation. For better and worse, I grew to become my biggest critic. 

When I walked away from ballet at 16, I walked away from my first love. There was no turning back, I could not regret my decision, no matter what. No one told me that I would not make it as a dancer, in fact I was asked to stay. I chose the path on my own terms. As I walked away I took with me the skill set to pursue anything, but at a cost. Determination and motivation, but knowing there is always more improve, it is never enough. 

“Only perfect practice makes perfect” 

The last few weeks leading up to my exam, I was the only one putting the pressure on myself. No pressure from mom and dad, no pressure from my supervisor, just me. I chose this path, no regrets. 

As I sit and wait for the results my emotions are all over the place. I have a new confidence for where I am and how hard I have worked to get here. I am lucky to have the opportunity to learn so much and be able to even take the exam. I put my best foot forward, with perfectly pointed toes. In the hidden moments, I have the fear of failure. That my hard work was not enough. With every email I hold my breath. Any day now, I will be able to exhale. 

Whatever the outcome, I do know one thing. I can survive. #projectemily 

[project-emily]

Competition

To compete with oneself and others.

In my undergrad I was taught to compete only with myself. The only person I truly needed to do better than was my previous self. That is growth. 

Recently, I took on a challenge at work. I decided to compete against past Emily. Would I be able to build a part of my experiment in 12 hours? (Note: the first time I did this task it took me about two months.) I would say too many people doubted that I would complete my challenge, but what I needed was more than just proving it to myself. I needed that motivation to show myself what I was capable of achieving. The next day I would start studying for my comprehensive exam, another achievement I want to accomplish. 

Competing with yourself vs. competing with others. I know they way I think, work, and perform is at a different level and pace than others. So why would I try to compete with someone that is so different from me? The only even match is the competition with myself. 

Graduate school tested me and threw competition in my face. At first I let it knock me down, grab me from the inside and seep into my thoughts. Today, only three years later, I am here knowing that I am only competing with myself and no one else. I only strive to do better today than I did yesterday. To push myself to do even better tomorrow. 

Every day is a chance to be a better you, and no one cares as much as you do. 

[project-emily]

Lyrical Jazz

To define lyrical jazz: to me it is dancing your emotions. I started taking this class one year ago, unsure of what it was about, only a few weeks before the break. Unsure of how to dance with strength and technique, while simultaneously letting go was a new feeling for my body. Lyrical jazz has offered me strength, but more importantly a way to key into my feelings and express those feelings through the movement of the choreography. Over the months, with the pain in my heart I starting finding a way to let it out through the subtleties of the dance. Reaching farther than your finger tips, feeling tension in a walk, or carving out the space in the room with a jump. 

This new way to bring out the feelings inside allowed me to open up and let go of the pain and stress, or to share the joy. Today, I chose to push myself harder than before in class. Go deeper in my pushups, lift my leg higher in adagio, and dance. Use the breath to fill every moment with movement, no matter how small. Never stop dancing. This week is the exam where all my education comes down to a solving 10 problems. Push harder, find the limits of my knowledge and reach beyond. 

Dancing has always been a huge part of my life, but lyrical jazz has brought a new outlook to my life and one that I can carry with me throughout the day and to any challenge that is thrown my way.

If you dance with your heart, your body will follow ~ Mia Michaels

[project-emily]

I love how yellow shines its brightest in the grey, in the rain. 

[project-emily]

Today I tried a new activity, standup paddle board yoga. It was my first time on a paddle board, as well as doing SUP yoga. This experience was a gift given to me, to try something new and do it on my own as part of Project Emily. It ended up being so much more than that. 

We got out on the water, found our spot to practice and let down the sand bags. There were just two students and the instructor. We started by breathing and asking, “What are your goals for the next hour? What feelings do you want to let go of?” 

Be strong, be smart. I am capable of success. I am as good as I have ever been and that it all I can hope for every day. 

The waves rolled in under, and sometimes over, the boards, making balance nearly impossible. But, even so, with the unsettled waters, we kept breathing to find the calm amongst the waves. Let all the stresses and bad feeling roll off the board and away in the waves. Bring the calm to the board and find your centre to find the balance. 

When in doubt breathe. 

In life, we must not let ourselves fall into the roughness of the waves, we must hold on with every muscle in our bodies, to stand up. Sometimes we will stumble, but by remembering to breathe, embrace the waves, we can use the imbalance to strengthen ourselves and rise.