Thee Project Emancipation
Original entry drafted on January 22, 2014. On April 29, 2020, most of these patterns and insecurities still stand, sadly:
Personally, I've struggled with relationships; mainly with males. Whether it's just a friend, a potential lover, or even family members. I've had trouble just being comfortable around them. I fear that they have alternative motives outside of just conversing. When in reality that's not always the case. I get nervous and anxious & im tired of doing that. like i dont want to be traumatized for a lifetime. i just want to be normal and live comfortably. talk to who i want to without fearing they will try to attack or touch me. so i am going to vow to myself that I will think clean. View the males in my life are actually around because they care about me. I will stop being so nervous around them. i vow to stop living with fear in my heart.
Also, I will not use sex or my body to get closer to a potential lover. Since sex was introduced to me in such a forceful manner, I always feel like i need to be aggressive. someone needs to be dominant, if not, then I dominate. smh then i feel crazy for doing so. or for even having sex before properly knowing my partner. don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having sex with whomever, but i know i'm not emotionally stable to have sex with whomever, whenever. my heart wants to just love. being that my brother and i aren;t that close, nor my father and i just haven't had that "loving" relationship with any male. which i feel like i really miss. i just feel soooo fucking broken and my pieces are all scattered all over the world. but i believe in myself that i can piece it together. it'll take time, but with the help of you all and myself, i can make it through. so can you! now join me on freeing ourselves. share how you'll free yourself. free yourself from concealing your story. free yourself from depression. free yourself from sexual dependency. it's okay to be vulnerable. you have to air the wound for it to heal.
. I haven't even freed myself but one day at a time right? I just want you, the one who is reading this, that you ARE NOT ALONE and THIS CAN BE CONQUERED! I We are not our past & we deserve to live. So trust in yourself just a little & let go. you are stronger than you think.
-project emancipation
