strike a prose

a poetry blog

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ruby slippers

my world is black and white without you. I keep clicking my heels but you're not coming home. there's no yellow brick to guide me back to you. youve gone where I cannot follow.

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The trauma in me recognizes the toxicity in you-namastayaway.

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.. I'm crying again.. I can feel myself expanding.. bursting at the seams.. shedding my shell again.. vulnerable and exposed.. time to start again cancer the crab.. everything is at the surface.. everything is rushing, flooding in so fast.. I'm so uncomfortable and overwhelmed.. I feel it all. Reliving moments in time as if the wound was fresh.. my heart is heavy.. this hurts like hell and it's almost too much to bear.. I don't like feeling my feelings.. it's hard for me to process.. it's hard for me to understand why .. people don't love the way I do.. I'm naive to think that everyone's intentions are as pure as mine.. i feel like I'm comforting a child.. trying to accept that I didn't know any better.. trying not to be kind to myself.. forgive myself for accepting burdens that weren't mine to bear.. forgive myself for internalizing.. for being so willing to give away pieces of myself to feel wanted.. for being a chameleon.. turning myself inside out until I disappeared.. I'll be anything you want me to be..  I'm sad because I sacrificed too much.. I gave and gave until I had nothing left.. until I was so lost I couldn't be found.. broken by my own heart.. just wanting to be wanted. I tolerated abuse.. I allowed myself to be manipulated.. I let them use me.. I open the door .. I took them back in.. never running out of second chances.. third chances.. I was taken advantage of in so many ways.. I feel like it's all my fault. But I didn't know any better. I'm sad because I didn't love myself enough to know better. I wasn't strong enough to say no.. I wasn't firm enough in my convictions.. I just got lost. I'm sad because I let myself get smaller.. afraid to take up space.. I counted myself out.. I was convinced that I was less than.. I was searching for validation and acceptance.. somewhere to fit in.. someone to want me.. but I didn't even want me .. how could I believe when I always came up short.. never enough.. I'm trying to trust this process. Have faith that these tears are cleansing .. that I'll be better on the other side .. that I'm strong enough to process this.. that being torn open is the first step in being put back together.. trust that I'm healing .. feel that I'm growing.. on the wings of this butterfly I transform. I trust that my wings will carry me. I am delicate but determined. I am powerful in my fragility. I am strong enough to fly. I will reach my destination. My wings flutter with strength and purpose. On the wings of this butterfly I am free. 

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You weaponized my imperfections .. saw a weakness and exploited it.. used my own insecurity to keep me at arms length.. left me doubting my character .. when it was in fact your glass castle under fire.. I threw no stones.. I never claimed I wasn't a work in progress.. my expansion knows no bounds.. you were not oblivious to the spark I felt.. taken advantage of for your personal gain.. my heart and my mind were of no value to you.. it was never me you wanted.. I thought so much of you.. but you thought nothing of me.. I was nothing but a hole to fill.. a place to bury your void.. I thought you at least respected me.. saw me as a person .. thought of me as a friend.. the way you hurt me was careless.. you made me shoulder all the blame..  my mind tortured with ghosts of self doubt .. I because the villain in your story.. but I was the one used and tossed aside .. pushed away and forgotten .. no second thoughts.. no remorse.. no regret.. you never saw me.. you looked through me.. made me feel cheap and broken.. undesirable and unworthy.. I held you so high.. I believed you were different- enlightened even.. in my mind you were different.. you were someone I respected.. someone I wanted to learn from.. share space with.. I have been disillusioned.. I opened myself to you freely.. tried to shine light on my broken pieces.. I thought I could show you my scars.. I thought you were listening.. I thought you cared.. you never saw me.. never appreciated my light.. I wanted the chance to be close to you.. I turned myself inside searching for answers.. I shamed myself for every flaw.. punished myself for every having any.. I believed everything I told myself.. I dug up every skeleton.. compiled a list of everything I thought was wrong with me.. every reason I could think of .. any one thing someone could hold against me.. all of the ways I wasn't enough.. and would never be enough.. how can someone be too much and not enough all at once.. how could I ever be wanted or loved.. I think often about everything I'm not.. I compare myself and always come up short.. always somehow less than.. maybe if I was this.. maybe if I did that.. I felt ashamed of everything I wasn't.. I defined myself by what I thought you wanted.. felt shame in my circumstances.. crawling in my skin.. defined by another's perception.. ready and willing to give away pieces of me.. sacrificing my self confidence and security.. anything just for a shared moment with you.. a sense of intimacy and companionship.. of acceptance and freedom in your arms.. but there was no peace.. no piece of me I could lay at your feet to open your eyes.. your gazed passed through me.. just a form to fill your void.. stroke your ego .. I was only a body.. never was I ever a soul .. 

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House of Cards

you hide behind a fragile fortress.

not glass, nor straw- but paper.

even a whisper could collapse your castle.

your trump no longer overpowers me.

your foundation is weak.

i will not be silenced.

i am the ace of spades.

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I am the Knight.

Your words are like knives and your eyes are like daggers.

Stabbing, piercing, penetrating.

No armor could protect me from your attacks-

These wounds are not physical in nature.

My defenses did nothing to shield me from you.

They did not slow you. They did not stop your advances.

They did not prevent you from exploiting my weaknesses.

I waved the white flag but you did not accept my surrender.

I am wounded. I am weak.

You cannot seem to see that I am on your side.

You question my allegiance.

You undermine my truth and fear my loyalty.

But I will not yield. I will not retreat.

I am and always will be your warrior.

Once this pain has subsided I will rise again.

I will rise again to stand beside you, always with you.

I defend your honor and curse my pride.

You are the treasure the dragon defends and I am the knight.

I will slay whatever opposition comes before me in pursuit of you.

Even if that opposition comes from within you.

My determination may lead me to my demise.

But I will sacrifice until the end.

Until there is light in your eyes again.

Until you feel safe tucked in your bed.

Until you sleep soundly knowing that I keep you.

Until you wake and know love.

I will honor you.

I will defend you.

Even if you are the greatest adversary I face-

With honor, my love, I keep you.

Written by SLG on Saturday 09.11.2021 at 01:41PM.

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FLEETING

WE WERE NO MORE THAN MIST IN THE MORNING

THE SWEET KISS OF DEW ON THE GRASS

TORN AWAY FROM GENTLE EMBRACE

OUR TIME WAS SPENT BY THE DAWN

ORIGINAL COMPOSITION BY SLG. WRITTEN FRIDAY 9/3/21.

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TWO HEADED SNAKE

you are a two headed snake.

a patient face and vicious ego.

you fed me lies and i swallowed them willingly.

unknowingly you manipulated every conversation.

you played the victim well.

you coiled and waited,

and your prey had met its match.

your hissing echoing to all that would listen.

you used me as bait in an act of betrayal. how can you sleep serpent?

oh right- youre never alone.

when she tucks you in make sure she kisses both faces goodnight.

WRITTEN BY SLG on SUNDAY 09/05/2021 at 1:15AM.

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20000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA

how many levels below the surface?

complexity of a creature.

a wild, fearful creature.

dangerous- with strength beyond measure..

but innumerable weaknesses.

a competitive, proud species.

ignorance-its achilles heel.

what is it really-to be human?

limited in consciousness, constrained by being.

but capable of vast expansion.

COMPOSED BY SLG on SATURDAY 09.04.2021 at 5:55PM.

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CHESS AND THE ART OF WAR

Its not just black and white.

its a game of logic and chance.

it requires strategy and skill.

what are you willing to sacrifice for the ultimate goal?

how do you get there?

no path is ever the same.

what type of player are you?

the thinker- always two steps ahead?

the defensive- guarding at all cost?

the aggressor- bold and decisive?

the responder- position based solely on opposition?

some say that chess represents the art of war.

and i agree- but i must add that it is also a love story.

in every game the queen is the most powerful piece on the board.

she moves freely and purposefully.

many fear her.

she always protects her king- but she also has the ability to destroy him.

many pieces fall in pursuit of the king.

some even return to the board.

pawns require the most patience.

the most advanced adversaries and allies are found closest to the center.

for these allies guard him and guide you to him.

but there is only one true king.

Written by SLG on SATURDAY 09/04/2021 at 2:03PM.