welcome to hell my friend

Just a disturbed lonely girl trying to make it in this world.

[prozaac--nation]

15.11.23

Its been 6 years since my last post, how time flies. Its safe to say, life got better, though im still struggling most days. Im 27 now, can you believe it? My life is incredibly complicated yet ordinary and boring at the same time. I landed my dream job as a tattoo artist, building my career. It feels like all I do is work nowadays. Me and Dave broke up a year ago and Sara blocked me years ago after a huge fight and we never spoke again. I felt a lot better without her negativity and drama and was finally able to heal. But a part of me was lost that day and I've never really been the same, which was kind of the beginning of the end of my relationship with dave. But there were many reasons. One of which is a very special guy that I like very much, but I dont think he likes me that way and it consumes me in the worst way possible. Its irrational, crazy. But I cant help it. Its destroying my otherwise rather peaceful life. That and the Hacker from reddit that has been an active part in destroying my relationship with dave, hey you! I See you! But anyway, I dont want to waste any energy on that person, I just felt like giving another update. Its interesting to go back and read what a mess I was. Life really did get better. It gets better. With years of hard work it does. Until next time!

[whisplings]

[prozaac--nation]

July 26, 2020

I've recently regained access to my tumblr accounts again. I read a lot of my old diary posts on here, of course I simulaniously kept a physical diary too.

I guess I should update, I am alive and much MUCH better than I used to be. Most days I am actually okay. I am still with dave although after 6 years our relationship is facing some problems but we constantly work on it. I live with him and our 2 cats (i got new ones). I broke off contact with sara on december 31st 2018. I often miss her and the connection we had but I know it is for the best.

I still have contact to mary, or again. We had a hard phase again a while back but i think were fine now, we keep talking usually on a comfortable level. I started talking to jonny again a few days ago and god did I miss him. We werent in touch much over the last few years bc life happens. I still dont speak to my dad, his wife left him and he got another child with her shortly before that. Me and my brother are good, we dont see eachother that much but we chat on whatapp and send eschother memes and stuff. I dont have many people left in my life and i still get left a lot by others. My best friend right now is Amel, he was in the apprenticeship with me.

I have grown a lot more selfconfident and stopped selfharm pretty much entirely (including hitting myself or tables etc). I didnt cut in years. I stopped smoking cigs and on april 1st 2020 i stopped smoking weed bc it was giving me bad panic attacks. I tried it again on friday but it still gave me a rlly bad panic attack so now I think i might stop for good. I still drink a little sometimes but can also not really handle it very well at the moment. Anxiety is getting the better of me and I get heartraces really fast from various things. But im dealing with it and avoiding what needs to be avoided.

This year I really tried to be better to myself, to love my body and take care of it. I also started working out and eating healthier vut the last 2 weeks ive been falling into old habits with food. But im doing my best.

I would say my life is pretty good compared to what it used to be. I still struggle a lot sometimes but thats just how life is. The hardest part is trying to not fall back into the negative thought patterns I used to have as this blog clearly shows. Its to tempting but since I got a lot more spiritual and have been working with the law of attaction i know its something i cant allow myself, or at least not very often. I have to stay positive no matter what and it really works.

I also started tattooing 4 years ago and have build myself something nice, even if i cant live from it yet.

Im gonna add a recent picture of me now. I am proud of what a strong woman I've become and how much I changed for the better.

[prozaac--nation]

February 3, 2017

I thought i'd write a little update on my life, mostly cause i feel like getting that shit off my chest. Im still looking for a job and my time is running out, I've got time until the end of april, If i dont find a job until then i might have to move into a different appartment which would pretty much destroy me, i dont think i could deal with that. At the moment im working in a secondhand shop but its not a real job only so im doing something, but these people jere are annoying me to death and actually everything sucks right now. the only positive thing is my relationship got a lot better and my friendship with sara's also going good. These two are the only people keeping me sane right now. Not sure how much longer i can take all this bullshit.

[paranoidinsane]

I’m fine.

[prozaac--nation]

June 22, 2016

Im almost done with my apprenticeship, but havent gotten the test results yet and i only have one month left to find a job or i might lose my appartment so i could basically start from 0 for the third time, i am so stressed out at the moment i feel like my depressions havent been that bad in ages and my moodswings get worse everyday. Yesterday i snipped a rubberband on my leg until i got a huge bruise all around the leg and today i almost lost my shit again because of my boss, and i just walked away, locked myself into the bathroom and had a mini breakdown, because at work there is no time for emotions (obviously, cause im a slave). Ugh.. i just dont know why i even get out of bed in the morning anymore..i feel like im getting closer and closer to a britney spears like meltdown i feel like a ticking timebomb but somehow i always pull it together, but i WANT to let it all out i just cant.. we'll see how much longer i can take this huge piece of shit called my life.

[samisoffthewall]

[prozaac--nation]

february 2, 2016

My boss is driving me insane, and i cant wait for my holidays, i only gotta work until friday but i am already struggling, and im just in the train kinda lip synching a rock song trying to stand over this piece of crap thats calles my life. Mary kinda almost killed herself again yesterday and my relationship is on really thin ice.Also the demon stuff is starting again so thats just perfect timing. I feel like im getting real close to a complete nervous breakdown where people with white uniforms will take me away and you'll just see me histerically laughing and crying at the same time. My

stress level is just getting rediculous and its no wonder that i got heart problems because of that. There's only so much a person can take and if the mind of that person doesnt break, the body will.Only good news is that im gonna get 1500 franks soon which i will spend, visiting mary (might be really good timing since shes feeling pretty darn crappy too) , getting a tattoo and getting my own tattoo equipment.

[hipster-and-thoughts]

[therelatableimages]

[prozaac--nation]

October 28,2015

I've had really bad moodswings for the past two weeks i think and everyday it seems to get worse, one word alone like 'no' can make me cry immediatly, often there isnt even a reason and i can literally feel how my mood drops to dead depressed and i just start to cry. And then i have to wait until my mood goes up again. Its really exhausting, mostly because my 'bad moods' are REALLY bad like 'not being able to get out of bed in the morning-bad'.. I just have to get my shit together cause i've spent the past few days at home, and yesterday i didnt go to work because the thought of getting up and leaving the house shattered my soul into a million pieces. I hope this phase will pass soon, at least i always know that its not gonna stay like that forever and that good moods will come.

[samisoffthewall]

[regular-love]

Grunge//Indie

[samisoffthewall]

[samisoffthewall]

[teenagehipst3r]

[vinterblod-deactivated20190317]