Peter Pettigrew

Peter Scott Pettigrew Twenty-Four Marauder Former Gryffindor Order Member

[pspettigrew]

Don’t Be Sad; Get A Tattoo

Date: June 29th, 1984 Location: Prewett Estate and then Peter’s Flat Tagging: Self-Para

Peter was left standing alone in the room after James took off, and there was a mixture of feelings swirling in his chest. 

Hope, for starters. Hope that perhaps with this, he and James could somehow mend their friendship and things could be okay. Hope that James believed him, and wanted to fix things as he did. Hope that maybe not everything was ruined, and that maybe with a little work, the Marauders could be pulled back together. That hope was something that Peter would cling to, and not let go of.

Pride was the next feeling. Pride at being able to actually do a Patronus, and pride at having done it in front of James of all people, who seemed to be proud of him. No matter how much Peter grew, that was one thing he would never be able to stop; feeling like he needed James to be proud of him, to think he was doing a good job, that he was doing the right thing. Truthfully, he wanted all his friends to be proud of him, to be happy that he'd finally managed a Patronus, but out of all of them, James was still the one he craved validation from the most.

There was an uneasiness there too, from the whole conversation. Despite that hope, Peter had that nagging feeling in the back of his head, that maybe this was as good as it would get. Maybe... Maybe this is what they all were now. Maybe in order to be himself, to be the better version he was making of himself, to feel finally useful and needed for once... he had to lose his friends, because they didn't want that version of him. Luckily enough, it was just a tiny voice, and the hope drowned it out... mostly.

As he continued practicing for awhile after James left, Peter realized a few things about the memory he'd used first, and the memories that had come to him, that had made it easier to cast that Patronus and make it bright enough to run around the room as it had. The thoughts rolled around in his head, as he found himself getting tired and deciding that it was enough practicing for the day. He had to come in early tomorrow anyway for some stuff he wanted to look over, and so he decided to head home for some sleep.

James had said to focus on how the memory made him feel back then. The happiness of it. But Peter had also focused on the other words James had said 'you were safe. you were secure.' and the way that had felt. And it was true, back when they'd first all told him that he was there friend, he'd felt safe and secure and happy and... loved. And he'd tried to focus on just that, but then another instance popped into his head. When else had he felt safe?

It felt odd almost to have thought about when James was standing in front of him, using his Patronus to chase away the Dementors from them, when they'd truly been in danger... But perhaps it was that feeling of knowing that even after their fight, James was willing to run to him, stand in front of him, protect him, that made Peter focus on just how safe that had made him feel.

And as he kept practicing, that led into other memories. Not just of James, but of all the Marauders. Maybe some of them weren't truly 'happy' memories by any standards to anyone else, but they were all times that Peter had felt safe and wanted and loved, and that was the feeling that had worked so well to get the Patronus charm to work. James, standing in front of him and fighting the Dementors off, Sirius, protecting him from some of the jerks at Hogwarts, Remus, helping him with his homework as he struggled, Lily, coming over after his fight with James to bake with him...

They were his friends, the only family he had, and Merlin and Morgana did he just want to go drag each and every one of them into a room by their hair and force them all to just talk and fix all of this. But Peter knew better, and knew that that wasn't going to fix anything, and most likely was just going to make it all ten times worse. As he got home and moved to make some food, he squared his shoulders slightly, becoming even more determined that he was going to have to start stepping up and really pulling them all in somehow, speak with each of them. Because this had to be fixed, it had to.

Peter began to change for bed, and paused. Looking in the mirror, he absently put his hand over the rat paw prints tattoo on his chest, over his heart. He chewed on his lip for a moment, looking lost in thought, before an idea came to him. Yanking his shirt on to sleep in, he made his way over to his desk, scrambling for some parchment and a pen. Finding them, while also knocking quite a few things off the desk as well, Peter sat down and began trying to draw.

Now granted, Peter Pettigrew was not the best at drawing, but he wasn't absolutely terrible either. He was pretty sure if he handed this to the person who'd do the tattoo, they'd know what he was asking for, and be able to do a much better job than he had, to make it look nice. But as Peter looked at the mockup he'd drawn, he had to smile softly to himself. The rat paw prints, being circled by a stag's prints, a dog's prints, a wolf's prints, and lily petals, that would be in motion. Because those were the people who made him feel the most safe, the most secure, and it would be a quiet reminder to himself to think of that, to think of them, as he cast the Patronus.

Now all he had to do was get enough courage to actually go to a tattoo shop and get it done, without the others being there. That would be the most challenging part.

[perniciouspotter]

pspettigrew​:

Peter didn’t really realize just how fierce his words sounded. He was frustrated with it, truthfully. Here he was, trying so hard to be better, to do better, to be enough, and the fact that people like Sirius, people who were supposed to be one of his best friends, still thought he was nothing, was one of the most annoying things in the world. He just wanted, needed, his friends to see how well he was doing, and be proud of him for once. He stood there, watching James and feeling almost like his heart was suddenly going to pound out of his chest, as he waited to see how he responded. Would that make or break everything?

“Yeah?” Peter raised an eyebrow slightly at that, because how could one really not care, if one of their best mates didn’t think they were allowed to think they were the shit too? Maybe Peter had relied far too much for far too long on knowing what his friends thought of him, that the idea of just thinking it without them thinking the same was rather terrifying. He chuckled and grinned though, as James patted his face and ruffled his hair, having honestly missed this. “Well… Thank you for sharing the secret with me,” He stated after a moment, then added as he thought about it, “And I… I’m sorry, if I’ve been a shit friend. I am here for you, Prongs. No matter what. You know that, yeah?”

Then the conversation was to the patronus, and Peter still couldn’t believe that he’d actually just done it. The grin that appeared on his face was probably almost as bright as the rat itself, especially when he saw how James reacted to him managing it. He laughed and jumped with him, leaning into his friends arm, and laughing more as James shook him like that. He’d done it. He’d managed to cast a Patronus, and James was proud of him for it, wasn’t he? He knew he could do it, and Peter had to take those words to heart. He could do this. He knew it too.

“I did it!” He grinned then, “Yeah, you’re right. You’re amazing, Prongs.” He nodded quickly as James ordered him to do it again, knowing he could. That feeling, the feeling he’d focused on, he could focus on it again, and the feeling of how the magic had felt so much easier than any time he’d tried before. And, now he knew that in the future if this happened again, if somehow Dementors were involved again, he could help, instead of being a liability, and that was the most important to him. He took a deep breath, focusing once more on the safety he’d felt in that memory, before beaming and bouncing as the rat appeared again.

Peter seemed to actually believe his advice and thank Merlin because James didn’t think he could handle much more of this. And then his friend apologized. This time, it felt sincere. James looked at him for a long time with his brows pinched and, when Peter said he’d always be there, he finally looked away, adjusted his glasses just to give his hands something to do. “Yeah,” he said before adding, “Sure.”

He didn’t know why this was making him feel uncomfortable. He was normally so good with affection. The kind of bloke who would sing love songs at the top of his lungs at a pub to Lily just to embarrass her, make her blush before kissing him hard. Even with his mates, he liked to touch, to get close. But maybe it was just the fact that, even after everything, it felt almost hard to believe that Peter would always be there. Like that word - always - stuck into his brain, turned him around.

A few months ago, it wouldn’t have been. But now… Peter had hurt him. It felt like a betrayal, even with the forgiveness. James just wanted to move on - preferably, to a place where all his friends were just that… friends. But that seemed almost impossible these days.

So moving onto the spell would just have to do. Peter did the patronus again and James grinned. He patted Peter on the back as he slowly stepped away. “Nice job, Wormtail,” he said, his voice softer now. “Just keep practicing, yeah? It’s harder on the field.” He took another step, clearly about to leave, making his way towards the door. “You take it easy, kay?” He stuffed his hands in his pockets. He didn’t know why he suddenly felt so sad after this conversation, after helping out one of his best friends, making up in their own way. “I’ll see you around.”

Maybe that was why. Because he didn’t know when he would see Peter outside of Order business. Things were just so… tense within the Marauders and James didn’t know the full story of why. No one would tell him. He was at the door now, backing away, he took a hand out of his pocket and tapped the threshold with his palm. He pointed at Peter, tried for a smile. “You practice, got it?” he said again before turning around and heading out the door. 

FIN.

[pspettigrew]

perniciouspotter​:

It took a moment, but then Peter spoke fiercely. Like he knew exactly what he thought about it all. As thought he’d been thinking it awhile, but never said it out loud. It almost surprised James - the boldness of the statements his friend was making. The first proof that Peter had really changed within those words. James looked at him for a long moment after Peter got done saying that he knew he deserved this - that this was his team, his leadership. It sort of hurt how hearing the way he talked about James. The great James Potter. He doubted anyone really saw him like that anymore.

“Okay, then,” James finally said, breathing out. “That’s all that matters, yeah?” He shrugged as though it were easy. “Seriously, Pete, who the fuck cares what Padfoot said… or what anyone else says, if you don’t believe it? That’s the secret, mate. You just keep thinking you’re the shit and then, eventually, everyone else will believe it too.” He patted the side of Peter’s head and then moved a hand up to ruffle at his hair playfully. “Just make sure you keep believing it and you’ll be fine, alright?”

They began to work on the patronus and, after a moment, James could see the way Peter relaxed into the spell. The way he thought about the feeling rather than delving into the memory and focusing on any bitterness it brought. And he knew… he knew even before Peter said the incantation…

He smiled before the rat even sparked from the tip because he was prepared for the patronus. Despite everything, he was proud in the belief Peter had grown for himself. It was something he’d never quite gotten to see in his friend, especially back in Hogwarts. As the rat raced around then, James jumped up, throwing an arm around Peter’s shoulder and pulling him in excitedly, shaking the shorter wizard as he did so.

“Atta boy!” he said with delight. “See, I knew you could do it! You just gotta get rid of all the shit, yeah?” He stepped back. “Now do it again,” he ordered gleefully, the grin plastered on his face.

Peter didn't really realize just how fierce his words sounded. He was frustrated with it, truthfully. Here he was, trying so hard to be better, to do better, to be enough, and the fact that people like Sirius, people who were supposed to be one of his best friends, still thought he was nothing, was one of the most annoying things in the world. He just wanted, needed, his friends to see how well he was doing, and be proud of him for once. He stood there, watching James and feeling almost like his heart was suddenly going to pound out of his chest, as he waited to see how he responded. Would that make or break everything?

"Yeah?" Peter raised an eyebrow slightly at that, because how could one really not care, if one of their best mates didn't think they were allowed to think they were the shit too? Maybe Peter had relied far too much for far too long on knowing what his friends thought of him, that the idea of just thinking it without them thinking the same was rather terrifying. He chuckled and grinned though, as James patted his face and ruffled his hair, having honestly missed this. "Well... Thank you for sharing the secret with me," He stated after a moment, then added as he thought about it, "And I... I'm sorry, if I've been a shit friend. I am here for you, Prongs. No matter what. You know that, yeah?"

Then the conversation was to the patronus, and Peter still couldn't believe that he'd actually just done it. The grin that appeared on his face was probably almost as bright as the rat itself, especially when he saw how James reacted to him managing it. He laughed and jumped with him, leaning into his friends arm, and laughing more as James shook him like that. He'd done it. He'd managed to cast a Patronus, and James was proud of him for it, wasn't he? He knew he could do it, and Peter had to take those words to heart. He could do this. He knew it too.

"I did it!" He grinned then, "Yeah, you're right. You're amazing, Prongs." He nodded quickly as James ordered him to do it again, knowing he could. That feeling, the feeling he'd focused on, he could focus on it again, and the feeling of how the magic had felt so much easier than any time he'd tried before. And, now he knew that in the future if this happened again, if somehow Dementors were involved again, he could help, instead of being a liability, and that was the most important to him. He took a deep breath, focusing once more on the safety he'd felt in that memory, before beaming and bouncing as the rat appeared again.

[pspettigrew]

silenceisoverrated​:

It had come down to a matter of knowing she couldn’t afford properly running her mouth if she wanted to be considered as a lead again. Levelheadedness was one of the spots she was still working on within her own leadership style and she hadn’t earned many brownie points from rightfully flipping out over Edgar joining the Order. It wasn’t of much importance though. At least, not of importance to the conversation at hand.

“Don’t discredit yourself,” Amelia shook her head. She could accept an apology but wouldn’t do so at the cost of Peter downplaying how things had gone on the field. “I doubt any of us were expecting dementors. That was a… Frankly, it was an addition I would happily never see again and the mission went smoothly everything else considered. It doesn’t make up for the fact that I wasn’t asked if I could successfully cast a patronus though.”

She wasn’t looking for praise on her own behalf, merely the acknowledgment that some sort of protocol needed to be put in place Merlin forbid they all got landed in a similar situation again. “I accept the apology but am standing by not wanting to be stuck on a team with James anytime soon. The consequences would have been unforgivable had it been his running off on a less capable wix. I would hope he understands that.” Amelia bit her lower lip after that, giving another shake of her head. “And that isn’t a dig at you struggling to cast one, for the record. You’re alright in my book.”

🐀

Peter gave Amelia a soft smile when she said that, it was a relief and something he stored away, grateful for her words. “I don’t think any of us were,” He agreed then, “And you’re absolutely right. It was an addition that I would happily never have to see or deal with again. I am glad that the mission went as smooth as it did, even with everything that happened. The fact that we got done what was needed and everyone is safe was the most important thing.”

Taking a deep breath, he folded his hands over each other, trying not to start picking at his nails or any other anxious habit. “I’m glad you’re able to cast one, and I’m sorry that you weren’t asked. I am going to do what I can to make sure that I can learn to cast it, and I am going to bring it up that I think we should know who can and can’t cast them, to either help, or to pair them with someone who can, when possible,” he added. Was it too much? Or were they dumb for having not thought of doing it sooner?

“Thank you,” He stated then, “And I understand that completely. I don’t think I have too much say in that, but I promise if I do again, I won’t cause it. I think he does understand.” Did he? Peter wasn’t sure as much as he used to be about what he knew about James, but he wasn’t going to let that be the first thought in his mind. He gave a weak smile when she spoke again. “I wish it was easier to cast, but I’ll work harder on it,” He stated faintly, “Thank you.”

[pspettigrew]

perniciouspotter​:

The words that Peter said Sirius told him made James’ brows raise in surprise. Well, fuck, he thought, doing a tricky balancing game. Because those were the kind of statements that would’ve gotten someone hexed back in school - but this was Sirius, and James knew he was just trying to protect him, to defend him. And James sure as hell wasn’t about to fuck over his best mate to another best mate. “Well,” he started, licking his lips and thinking. He looked Peter in the eye. “What do you think?” he asked. “Is it true or is it all just a load of bullshit?”

He shrugged at the question. The truth was that he probably wouldn’t have listened - but he might’ve. If Peter had immediately apologized after their fight, if they’d been able to talk it out, James might’ve listened. But instead, he’d snitched to Hestia and almost got James worse than just benched - he almost got him kicked. So, yeah, it sort of depended on when this so-called possible conversation might’ve happened. He didn’t tell Peter any of this, though, just listened to him apologize again, promising he wouldn’t do it again.

“She’s not scary,” he replied. “She’s just the pain the arse.” He sighed. “Alright, fine, we’re good, alright? I still don’t think you should’ve said anything at all, but we’re good. It’s fine. Whatever. Let’s just… move on, yeah?” Truthfully, James was just ready to be done with this conversation. He and Peter had fought before, but nothing like this… but James had also had worse. He’d been tortured for hours, he’d had his heart ripped out of his chest by Lily, he’d gotten in trouble for punching Severus in the face. He could forgive his friend.

And they did. They moved on to the spell, which was much easier than this conversation and James listened with his arms crossed as Peter explained the feelings behind then and now. It hurt now. That was both heartbreaking and really fucking annoying. Because Peter was allowed to feel hurt, apparently, while James just had to suck everything up, according to everyone else. Whatever. It was over. He could move on. He always had to be the one to move on.

“Alright, then. Don’t focus on the memory, right? Just the feeling of it. How it made you feel that day. We’re not talking about now. Just focus on then, Wormtail. You were safe. You were secure.” He gestured to Peter’s wand. “Now try it again and just think about that. The happiness of it all.”

Peter felt a little confused to see James look surprised like that; weren't he and Sirius attached at the hip again? Shouldn't Sirius have at least told James about it, or at least what he so clearly believed about Peter? Whatever, it was out in the open now, and Peter was waiting on James to take Sirius' side, because that was what would make sense, wouldn't it? But James was quiet, and Peter wondered just how this was going to be handled, then the older boy asked the question. Pursing his lips, Peter met James' gaze, trying not to shrink under it like he would have once. "I'm not pretending to be brave," He stated with a slight huff, "I'm not pretending to be more, and I'm not pretending to be a leader. I stepped up, and it was my team."

He paused, then continued after a moment, "Do I think I can live up to the great James Potter? Of course I don't. But I'm not nothing, and I shouldn't have to go back to being nothing. That's bullshit." He loved James, he adored James, but he wasn't going to go back to being some idiot on the sidelines, to being made fun of, just because some people couldn't get their heads out of their asses when it came to them not being the only people around. If they thought he'd always mattered, then they needed to fucking act like it, instead of trying to shove him back down like those bullies once had, right?

James said Hestia wasn't scary, and Peter wasn't sure if he could believe that fully, especially after what he'd witnessed. Not-Scary people didn't just get up and start blasting down doors to go after someone, did they? Either way, he just took a deep breath and nodded. If James said they were good, that it was fine, and that they could move on, then that's all that mattered. Peter didn't want to fight with him anymore, he didn't want to have this conversation between them make things worse. He just wanted to somehow make things better now, and honestly if he needed to apologize again, he would do that for James.

Don't focus on the memory, just the feeling of it, Peter heard the words, but it didn't feel that easy. Not to mention that there was a tiny bit of him that latched onto the 'were' part of those sentences, and the rest of him was annoyed about it. He didn't want to think about any past tense version of it. But James was giving him instructions and telling him to try again, and Peter would do as James asked. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and lifting his wand, focusing. He focused on that feeling of being in the dorm room, his new friends there and promising to be there, how safe and wanted he felt, how secure... and his mind drifted slightly, to another time where he'd had that same feeling of being safe, as he spoke the spell and...

The rat Patronus that burst out of his wand was brighter than Peter had managed before, was brighter and more clear than he thought he could even manage. His eyes opened and widened as the Patronus raced around them slightly, glow still bright and making that warm feeling in his chest grow. Of course it was a rat, he thought, and it made him proud. He'd managed it, and it was a great feeling, truthfully, and he couldn't help but look at James, needing to see his response.

[pspettigrew]

silenceisoverrated​:

The owl had thrown Amelia off more than anything else. She hadn’t expected Peter to reach out and had spent the past couple of days relieved almost everyone appeared to come out of things mostly unscathed. Not that healed wounds would make up for the stress and shock of the enemy taking a more extreme approach toward things, but things were okay in the physical sense.

She would be perfectly content if she didn’t have to see another dementor in her lifetime.

“Hi,” The edge of her lips quirked into a small smile. “Certainly.” She gave a nod then sat across from him, needing a moment to look him over before saying anything else. “If this about Sunday, my frustration wasn’t directed at you.” She couldn’t even remember what she had said past still being grateful she had enough control to refrain from hexing James. “So I am sorry if I ended up saying anything that seemed rude.”

🐀

Peter smiled softly and nodded, watching as she sat down across from him, and giving her a moment. Also giving himself a moment, but that was besides the point. He nodded his head quickly in understanding, quickly waving his hands a little to show her that her frustration wasn’t what he was worried about. Honestly, he understood her frustration and was sure that others would have said far worse in that situation.

“I understand that,” He spoke gently, “I wanted to apologize, both from myself, and on James’ behalf, honestly. I...” He took a deep breath, “I’ve only ever been able to produce a Patronus once, many years ago. I know that we’ve never seen Dementors like that, and nothing could truthfully account for that, but that’s my failure as leader of the team in not knowing that spell. I am going to work on it, and make sure that I know it for the future.”

He paused, then continued, “James was aware that I can’t produce a Patronus, and knowing that Gwen and I were up there alone, he came running. Obviously, I’m very grateful that he did, because otherwise...” He shivered, but continued, “I’m sorry that he ran off on you the way that he did. I’m sorry that you were alone until backup arrived, and I hope that you can forgive us for that.”

[pspettigrew]

perniciouspotter​:

James rolled his eyes. “That’s because my side of the story is right!” he said defensively. He was tired of Peter spinning shit so he was the victim. Always. That was how it had always happened with them. It still didn’t help his confusion, though. What was he on about? “Pretending? What the hell are you talkin’ about, Pete? Start from the beginning because I’m not getting it.”

He clenched his jaw as Peter continued about Hestia. It made it better… but only a bit. There was still snitching going on and that’s not what the Marauders did. “You shouldn’t have been talking about me and your concerns - “ He said the word like it was a joke. “ - to her at all. That’s not the kinda shit we pull. You could’ve come to me. If you have a problem with me… if you’re worried - “ The same tone. “ - you come to me. Got it?”

“I can’t believe I’m about to defend Jones here, Wormtail, but when you tell a leader that you’re worried about what will happen on a mission because you and I had to out, what else was she supposed to think? You might not have been trying to get her to come after me, but I can’t blame her for thinking I was going to botch it all up if you were talking about me like that.” James made a noise of frustration and waved his hand wildly, as though indicating something. “You’re doing it again! Making yourself the victim because you got yelled at. People yell at me all the time, mate. You wanted to be like me, right? Well, here ya go.”

“You’re the golden boy around here now, Pete. Just lay off the pity party and let it go. No one thinks you can do any wrong, yeah?” Though the words might’ve sounded mean, James didn’t say them as harshly as could’ve. Mostly, he was given advice. If Peter wanted to lead, he better toughen up that skin. He looked at his friend long and hard when Peter agreed that James would do anything to protect those he loved - and, honestly, sometimes even those he didn’t love - but said nothing in return. It was simply the truth. They both knew it.

They began practicing the spell and James listened carefully at the memory, his lips quirking up at the corners just slightly as he heard. “Okay…” he said slowly, nodding and looking at Peter again. “Don’t think of something else. The memory is good, but how did it make you feel, Peter? A memory is nothing without the feeling behind it.”

Peter locked his jaw at hearing that, reaching up to rub at the side of his nose slightly, as if feeling a migraine coming on. Of course James' side of the story was right. Of course he was the only one who was ever right. Merlin forbid anyone else be right when it came to a conversation with James Potter. Maybe they were both in the fucking wrong, at this point, but James would never be able to admit that, would he? He heard the confusion in James' voice, and let out a tired sigh, before taking a deep breath. "It should have been your team, not mine, as he said. I'm pretending to be a leader, pretending to be brave, and as Sirius so kindly put it to me, I am nothing compared to you, and no amount of pretending will ever make that any different," He spoke faintly, and if that didn't make sense to James, he wasn't sure the older man would get it at all.

"Would you have sat and listened to me at that point?" He asked then, watching James with a soft sigh, "I get it, James. I fucked up, alright? Is that what you want to hear? I fucked up, and I recognize that, and I'm standing here, telling you that I'm sorry, and I learned my damn lesson, and I won't do it again." He paused, then added, "She didn't even try and talk it out with me, James. I barely got out what I said, and she was up and blowing the damn door down. And, I think just about every door in the whole place. It was a little scary." Maybe he shouldn't admit that, but Hestia was rather scary, and he couldn't help it.

He took a shaky breath again, because truthfully, he wasn't trying to do what James said he was doing. Maybe at this point he truly should be used to getting yelled at, to getting snapped at and told he wasn't shite. But this was also Sirius that had said it, one of the people he'd thought was one of his best mates, and so maybe this one hurt a lot more than any other time he'd been yelled at, just like it'd hurt with James. But how did he admit that, without making himself seem more like a victim to James? No, he just went quiet, nodding faintly in understanding to him, hoping that would be enough.

Peter almost wanted to laugh at the idea that he was the golden boy around here now, but merlin, if that wasn't something he wanted though. And maybe, maybe Cresswell's data had proven he was good at missions, maybe Hestia had said she believed in him, and maybe there was some truth to him being able to do this, and be a golden boy. But deep down, Peter still had that inkling of doubt coiling in his chest. He wanted tell James that he was tough; he'd heard enough of what the bullies said, of what others had said about him all these years and dealt with it, hadn't he? But how did you handle it, when it was people you loved saying it about you? Wasn't that the difference in this?

Finally glancing at James again, Peter chewed on his lip, listening to what the other man said. "... How it felt back then, or how it feels now?" he asked softly, "Because back then... back then that was the happiest moment in my entire life, and the time I felt the most safe and secure, and finally wanted for once." And fuck, part of him felt it sounded so stupid being so emotional and open with James after all this, but he needed James to understand how much he loved the other marauders and how much he needed them. "Now..." He took a shaky breath, "Kinda hurts more than it makes me feel safe."

[pspettigrew]

perniciouspotter​:

James narrowed his eyes more at the mention of Ask Sirius and resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the rest of it. Damn, since when did Peter pity himself this much? “I dunno what happened between you and Padfoot,” James said. “But it was probably just a misunderstanding. We’ve always been your mates, Wormtail. And just… don’t… about the one sided shit. Or should do you really wanna talk about why I’ve been cross with you?”

Peter went into it anyway and James sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Okay, so apparently you do,” he mumbled, interjecting into Peter’s apology, but listening anyway. It didn’t really help. All a justification, a I didn’t mean to! As though Peter had run into a professor after hours and was trying to play the blame game.

James didn’t laugh at the ‘joke.’ “Not a Marauders trait to snitch on your friend, mate,” James reminded him. "I’m not pissed off because Jones yelled at me, Pete. I’m pissed off because you - you reported me like you were some barmy prefect or something. You know she wanted me out of the Order after that? I dunno what you said to her about me, but whatever it was, it made her not trust me anymore. Like I would botch the mission just to spite you. You should know me better than that - both of you should. The Order is my fucking life and you jeopardized that.”

He stood then, leveled Peter with a stare before telling the other to follow him up. “So yeah, that’s why I’m angry.” He started to move to the other side of the room to give them more space to practice. Even after everything, James was staying. He paused, looked over his shoulder. “Oh and?” he began. “Just for the record, I would’ve stepped in front of her. I would step in front of anyone for you because that’s what friends do. I would rather die than betray you, Sirius, or Remus.”

James didn’t know how they’d gotten here and, yet, here they were. Practicing the spell after realizing exactly what all of this meant for them. He wondered if he and Peter would ever be able to come back from this - or if this would be the last thing he helped his friend with. “This spell isn’t anything. You’re making it bullshit,” he said firmly before softening, more gentle. “Tell me about the memory.” An order. “In detail.”

Peter pursed his lips, trying hard not to get angry at hearing James' words. "It wasn't a misunderstanding, James," He stated pointedly, "And don't, about the one sided shit? Then talk to Sirius, because apparently, he only needed your side of the story of what happened, to know that I'm a shite friend and that I'm just pretending to be something he doesn't think that I am." And maybe that was important, that he didn't think he was being something he wasn't now, that he was believing in himself, that had to mean something, didn't it? Because even if the others didn't, he was trying to.

But James kept talking and Peter sighed and ran a hand over his face, just trying to take a deep breath and focus. "I didn't go to her because I wanted to snitch on you, Prongs," He huffed out, "I didn't go to her to report you. No, I didn't know she wanted you out of the Order, and I would have fought against her if I heard that. The only thing I told her, was that I was concerned because of our row, about what would happen. I wasn't doing it to try and get her to go after you, or not trust you. I didn't think you'd botch the mission at all." Maybe just not listen to him, but not listening to him was different than actually botching the mission, because James knew what he was doing, but Peter didn't point that out at the moment, not wanting James to get more angry.

"I'm sorry," He repeated then, "I wasn't doing it to jeopardize any of that. I was going to her as a leader, with concerns, and clearly I've learned not to trust her with anything like that again." It was true, Peter refused to go to Hestia next time, if he had concerns about anything. If leadership couldn't keep their heads cool enough to deal with it professionally, he'd just keep things to himself. "Besides, Sirius yelled at me enough after, about how it should have been your team and your lead, so I got the message loud and clear from him," He added faintly, though he didn't agree with it. It wasn't like he could predict Dementors, after all.

He was grateful though, for James staying. Even if the other didn't seem to want his apology, didn't seem to want to hear what he was saying, at least he wasn't storming out on him again. "I know," His voice was softer then, "I never doubted for a second that you would do the right thing and protect everyone, James. I have never once doubted that about you." After all, he knew how devoted James was to protecting people. Listening? That's what he'd been a little unsure about.

He took a deep breath, trying not to feel even more frustrated at the fact that he still thought the spell was what was bullshit. Still, the order, the tone in James' voice had him calming some, and he took a shaky breath, before nodding. "The first time you all told me that I was your friend," He spoke then, feeling a little embarrassed, unable to look up at James, "We were in the dorm room. I was upset after some older kids said I had no friends. You all said that I was your friend, that we were a group, and that you were there for me, and you all hugged me, and..." He trailed off a little, because maybe that was the problem; the cracks that had been made, the uncertainty that Sirius had put in his mind, it was messing with it, because it was all of them.

He paused, then, "I can think of another one, and try again."

[pspettigrew]

♫ for Alice, please?

[pspettigrew]

♫ (for everyone)

For James:

And also:

(Because:

And maybe if I'd been a little bit braver Maybe if I stayed behind to fight But maybe doesn't let me go back and save her Maybe doesn't make it all right

Is pain of Peter thinking about James)

For Dirk:

For Ted:

[pspettigrew]

Am I too late for a ♫ for Lily and Peter?

And as a bonus:

[pspettigrew]

♫ For Gwen and Frank

For Gwen:

For Frank:

[pspettigrew]

♫ for both the girls

For Emma:

For Nicky:

[pspettigrew]

♫

[pspettigrew]

perniciouspotter​:

Those times meant everything to me.

James squinted, confused. If they meant everything to Peter, then what was the problem? He was about to ask when his friend continued, confusing James even more. Who the fuck told him it was fake? Since when did he listen to that bullshit? “What the bloody hell are you on about, mate?” he asked Peter. “Who said what to you?”

Maybe that was the problem. It had to either be Sirius or Remus, unless Peter had also went on and got new best friends while James was captured, since he’d changed everything else about himself. It didn’t sound like Remus and, while it might’ve been something Sirius would say while angry, that also didn’t make sense. None of the Marauders ever thought anything between them was fake, even if some people claimed Peter being part of their group must’ve been. James - Sirius and Remus, too - had always defended their friend against that.

But finally, Peter got up, pulling his wand out. Wormtail looked pied off and miserable and James resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He was playing nice, after all! “Well,” he began. “For starters, you can work on getting your head outta your arse.” Okay, so maybe that wasn’t particularly nice, but James would’ve talked to Peter - or any of his mates - like that before. 

“Because throwing yourself a pity party isn’t gonna help a damn thing.” He gave Peter a hard look. “Then… bring up your wand, clear your mind, and just think about one thing - that’s all you need, mate. One happy memory, Wormtail. If they meant something to you, it shouldn’t be hard.” He softened his voice, his expression following. “You can do this.”

James looked confused, and that only served to confuse Peter as well. Had Sirius not told him? Had Sirius been wrong? Well, that probably made sense, considering the fact that James had run to save him, but the fact that Sirius hadn’t denied it was still rolling around in Peter’s head. He was torn between his heart, listening to James and knowing that it had all been real, and the tiny bit in the back of his head that was still pointing out that fact of what had happened.

Unable to help it, Peter let out a soft, almost bitter snort. “Ask Sirius,” He stated simply then, “Ask Sirius, since apparently to know everything, you only need one side of the conversation, and it’s not mine.” He felt hateful saying it, but it wasn’t like he was wrong, was he? 

He paused, thinking about it, and then added after a moment, “I didn’t mean for Hestia to go after you, by the way. I’m sorry she did. I didn’t realize she was already pissed at you, and I barely got out that something had happened between us before she was blowing the door off it’s hinges. She didn’t even let me explain the whole situation either, and I wasn’t about to be stupid enough to step in front of her.” Who knows how well that would have gone over, after all.

He almost wanted to laugh when James told him to get his head out of his arse, and a soft smile flickered onto his face then. “Sorry,” He added, “Must be a Marauders trait, eh?” It was an attempt at a joke, but James’ words and that hard look made him get a bit more serious about the situation. He took a shaky breath and nodded to him. James thought he could do this.

Closing his eyes, Peter tried to focus. He thought about that memory that had worked before; the other three Marauders there, telling him that he was their friend. He focused hard on the memory, as if he could replay it second by second the way it was happening. And, perhaps that’s where he was going wrong; he was so focused on the memory and the details of it, that he wasn’t focusing on the feeling of how happy it had made him.

“Expecto Patronum!” He stated, and as it had every time before, his wand emitted a wisp of light, but that was it, and it was quickly gone. He opened his eyes, scrunching up his face and letting out a huff. “This spell is bullshit, Prongs. The memory is as clear as ever, and I don’t understand...”

[asphodelroot]

pspettigrew​:

Peter couldn’t help but laugh and grin at the mock outrage from Lily. “I’m just saying that you’re smarter than the lot of us, and you’d manage to be the one to beat us,” He teased playfully, “And I do think it’d be funny if you did trip one of us. Not me though, I can’t run that fast anyway.” He snickered softly at the thought of it.

The grin only grew when Lily kissed his cheek and praised him like that, grateful for her. “Thank you,” He chirped out then, “And I promise that I’ll come up with something fun at some point, and you’ll be the one I come running to, to help me make sure it goes flawlessly this time, yeah?” And it made his heart ache, and he knew it wouldn’t be for awhile that he could do that.

“Ma’am yes ma’am,” He stated quickly, looking just as serious as he glanced from the baking sheets to her, “Cookies are sacred and shall not be used in any way for a prank.” He paused, then added, “I don’t think I’ll prank food again for a long time, that was really gross.”

“I think that’s a very good idea,” she said, equally as grave. Then she broken into grins and giggles once more, determinedly pulling him into her levity for the rest of the night, until they were collapsed together on the sofa, a generous dusting of cookie crumbs scattered across them and the floor, the sugar high of half their baking efforts already eaten not enough to save them from the resulting crash. As least it was cushioned by the comfortable tiredness of an evening spent in good company, wrapped up in the sense of love and safety found only with the dearest of friend.

|| FIN

[pspettigrew]

perniciouspotter​:

Peter immediately got on his soapbox again and James resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He felt that now-familiar anger spike, just like the last time they’d talked like this, but he managed to push it back, at least for now, and stay calm. “Mate, listen to yourself,” he said, his voice even with that anger just barely peeking through. “Like, did you seriously just say that to me? Me, specifically. I was tortured every day for four months and still managed enough happy memories for multiple patronuses the other day.”

He ran a hand through his hair, fixed his glasses. Gave Peter a look. “Did nothing we all did together matter to you? All the good times we’ve had? Sayin’ you have nothing good to look back on is just a major slap in the face, Wormtail.” He shook his head. “Man, I don’t understand you.”

Peter said he wanted to be a leader - said he was trying to fill in the hole left by James - and yet he sat on the sidelines like he was worth nothing when all his friends have ever told him was that he was worth more than he thought. And people just went fucking nuts for the bloke. Like he was some great gift to the Order, hidden until James got out of the way.

James gestured with his hand again for Peter to get up. “Now, you’re practicing this or I’m fucking out. Your choice, but you’ve got about five seconds before I make it for you and leave.”

Peter took a shaky breath, because once again, that was not how he’d meant it. How could he explain to James that it was different, because James at least had people who loved him and were excited he was back, because happiness was different for everyone, and what if none of what he had was strong enough? What if none of what he had was something he could focus on to make it powerful enough to manifest? What if he wasn’t as strong as he was pretending to be, like James was so strong? He didn’t say any of it, just pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed out, “That’s not how I meant it, James.”

The look and his words, however, made Peter slap his hand down on the table; not slamming it down, though that anger was there, just hard enough to make a light thud. “Those times meant everything to me,” He stated with a slight snip, “They meant the world to me, and they were the best times of my entire life. They worked once to help me make one. But it’s a little hard to feel like any of those could be happy enough now, or powerful enough, when one of the people you thought was your best friend decides to let you know that it was all faked the entire time, the day before a mission too.”

And maybe he was still bitter, and maybe he was still upset that Sirius hadn’t even argued against it. Maybe if he’d realized that Sirius had been taken aback what he said next, it would have made sense, but it was still the point that he hadn’t said any differently, and of course there was everything else he said too. But Peter couldn’t help but fall slightly back into old habits, letting that fester and the feeling grow inside him, upset and irritated and just wanting to curl back up and hide as he used to do.

But James was still there, and Peter wasn’t sure why, but he was gesturing for him to get up and... seeming to offer to help him? And Peter, that Peter who would still do anything for James, who wanted nothing more than to make James proud of him, did just that. He stood, pulling his wand out and taking a deep breath. “Fine,” he stated softly then, “Any tips?”