in 2018 at the end of it all
i sit in a black car with the ac almost working and remember your palm measuring my neck
i remember every perversion conceived when you did this. the other man i wish was touching me
i think about the phone call with your mother and everything she said about my dreams
i wasted an entire summer watching my desires surrounded by barbwire in the reflection of eyes i could no longer bring myself to bleed for. that never bled for me
two births. ten abortions. no orgasms
you asked the color of my tongue only to reject every confession. watched me wait at the window like a dog while you sat on the couch. licked the outside of my arms then cursed me when you tasted the salt from his sweat
when your hand reaches my ankle i wait for you to raise your voice to me but you never do. in my mind i’ve already made love a thousand times because you let me
i always prayed for the enormous but you prepared me to wake up in a room facing the wall away from everything i could ever want
the only thing i desire more than the ac to turn on is to never be forgiven by you
