Pt/ identity experiences /end pt
For the time being, I am making this post to better understand our feelings on ourselves through this 10000000th identity crisis again. And maybe by writing this, it will resonate with anyone. And honestly that would mean I am not so alone in this experience. So, this will not be aesthetic or have annoying boarders. I don't care to make it pleasing.
Recently, we have been questioning our identity in terms of gender and orientation. It has gotten to the point where it is constant questioning of what it is, what words fit our experiences best. It has been a whirlwind of going back and forth about this.
And to be honest, some of it is because of internal hatred of our expressions, trauma (that we are still working through) and other factors. Which trails into what we keep going back to, Manwoman.
It's an identity that we have been off and on about, mostly because of our trauma over being referred to as a woman continuously even now by transphobes who don't want to acknowledge that I am a man too. But over time, I don't know what it is but there is this faint connection to womanhood I just can't let go of. I can't trail away from.
And maybe it is due to our autism where change feels icky and strange, this part of us just, lingers.
But I won't lie, I have resisted it for so long not only because of trauma but because, god forbid a woman is ever present in a community meant to enlighten experiences. The mogai community has there thing of being so weird about women, being a woman and what have you.
There is so much masc and man terms and beings within the community that are men in some form. And that feels alienating. To be honest, I have forced myself to try and be more man leaning. Grappling onto hating pink even though we are completely fine with it.
All I wanted to do was fit in. Fit in somewhere that I pushed myself into a corner where being a woman is seen as not wanted, not as accepted as one would think.
It's hard to even say all of this because I am, still unpacking the internal misogyny. Still trying to allow myself the comfort of just being a manwoman. Because those identities are inseparable to my experience. I am not a man without being a woman. I have tried many times to choose. Not that anyone is holding a gun to my head but, you know. I have tried to get myself to conform to my man side, straying from my woman identity in convincing myself I wanted that more than anything.
When that wasn't even the truth at all. That was a total lie.
There are times when I will feel more man than woman, however, it is always there. Never left in the first place. It's always present. Never fading completely.
What I really see myself as is a manwoman. But seeing my woman side at the same level, same breath as my man side. I see myself wearing makeup, wearing warmer toned clothes, and just being seen as a woman alongside being a man.
I want to feel happy in my own expression, in my identity.
I strayed for a while in posting about this due to feeling vulnerable about this. But, in thinking more about it, this might be helpful to someone who feels alone in this experience.
Taglist - @radiomogai (for archival of this experience)
