Procrastinated Tears
āWhen you grow up along with them it makes it hard when they leaveā - Kelly Laner
My ex husband and I dropped our daughter Miah off at college this weekend. With her 18th Birthday just a couple weeks ago, I thought āShe is young, we could have started her a year later in kindergarten and then I would still have one more year with her.ā
My friends and family analyze my ability or fault, however you want to look at it, to not cry when ānormalā people (moms) might. If you measured normal by the average age parent dropping Children off at Princeton this weekend we were far from normal with a small 19 year gap between us and her. You can safely say we all grew up together.
In my semi screwed up mind I relate tears with being vulnerable, which is something I donāt do well. It was a big year for us. I needed and wanted to be strong for my children. Miah was entering her last year of high school and the divorce, or as I like to say, the life change is a little more than a year in with both her father and I in new relationships, in addition to the other changes that go along with divorce. Miah has always been a wise old soul. She shared in her dad and Iās troubles far before our other two daughterās. Once the outcome became inevitable she was adamant that we start the process sooner rather than later, so that she could help with her sisters in the transition and so that she could experience the change, even though it was painful. She knew the bond of her and her sisters was something that wouldnāt make anything perfect but it would make it ok. Everyone in this family is far too special to not be ok. I can say for certain that Miah has been a major part in the transition of our separating family to not turn out fucked up. She has been a voice of reason with a maturity that often surpasses mine. She leads by example with ease. Iām a bit frightened to get home where I will have to learn how to be a mom to my other daughters without her and to live without a best friend safely tucked in down the hall. We all find ourselves, for the first time, continuing in our journey unconnected in a way that has been familiar to us. Her and I separated in proximity (and intellect :)) and Chris and I by the dismissal of her as our first major bond.
I speak of these things because they are fresh and seem very real in the now but by no means are these the things that define her, they are but a piece of a foundation. A foundation, though not perfect- it is strong. I am so proud of Miah, it has been a pleasure to watch her grow up and Iām sure it was as amusing for her to watch me try to grow up.
Saying bye sucks. I procrastinated our good bye time as long as possible. The time came. I hugged her tight. I did not want to let go, I wanted to squeeze her into me, which I apparently said out loud. She laughed with a shaky voice and said ālike back into your womb?ā YES that is exactly what I meant. I did not want to cut the umbilical cord, but it was time for her to get her hiking boots (literally and metaphorically) and I could no longer control the procrastination, my tears, or the empty feeling that has yet to go away. I am forever grateful that she chose me to be her momma, I love her.
Get ready world here she comes.