Unclench Your Jaw And Relax Your Shoulders Please

Call me Menace because that's what I am | any pronouns that aren't she/her or he/him. the weirder the better. If it would kill alex jones it works for me. | Adult | Genderqueer Lesbian | Ao3 is PubliccMenace, YouTube is SkyeDragon | i don’t discourse with strangers. i don’t tag shit cause I’ve got tendinitis. also your asks being answered are between the state of my hands and whether mercury is in gatorade. nothing personal I’m just disabled. | icon by me.

[ultrakill-fashion-zine]

Applications open,

Hello Ultrakillers!

After days of anticipation, please find the application form below.

+ULTRAFANCY CONTRIBUTOR APPLICATION

You've heard of +ULTRARICOSHOT... you've heard of +COUNTERRICOSHOT... you may have even heard of +ULTRACOUNTERRICOSHOT*... But get ready

Good to knows:

This Zine is adult-only

Writers, artists, crafters, poets, otherwise artistically inclined are all welcome to join!

The form will be open until the 31st of May (or until we get inundated with applications)

Any other questions, feel free to shoot us an ask!

[skaianbruja]

Pro-Tip: If you'd like for your diaspora-born child to be fluent in your language, don't shame them for speaking your language with the local accent of wherever they were raised

[skaianbruja]

And don't let others shame them either, including your own fucking relatives, especially if it's some monolingual fuck doing the shaming

[heedra]

really losing my patience for any 'feminist' statement to the tune of 'we need feminism because women fill a fundamentally different and necessary role than men and will be better at doing x y or z'. like actually i think we need feminism because it is an unbearable death of the spirit by inches to exist in a world where you are not seen as a fully realized human being because of a single cultural determination, and because a world that enshrines such things creates systems that are fundamentally sick to the core

[sincerely-sofie]

[glumshoe]

why does every cartoon character wear these underwear:

[gravitygals]

why don't u

[glumshoe]

because if I wore these underwear the universe would conspire to constantly put me in situations where my pants would get pulled down or destroyed and it’s so hard to find good pants

[theevenprime]

I have a few pairs of these exact underwear, which I wore whenever possible as a camp counselor.

The reason was that, if you get pantsed, and you weren't in on the joke / it wasn't planned, that's a massive breakdown in respect and discipline, and you have to make an example of that kid (generally by wrestling them, and in serious cases, taking away candy privileges). But getting pranked is still a bad look, and makes it seem cool to rebel against your authority.

However, if you get pantsed, and you are in on the joke, everyone has a good laugh, including you, and no one was actually rebelling. It both makes you look like a cool authority figure and makes the person doing it look like they're the sort of person in cahoots with counselors. Then, if there's a behavioral issue, you can have that quiet conversation later, away from an audience.

And since those underwear are so culturally specific as punchlines in a pantsing gag that the only plausible reason to be wearing them is if you're in on a slapstick act, you can retroactively Shanghai any would-be prankster into looking like they did it with your consent and planning, which not only keeps you from indignity, it makes sure that they're rewarded by laughter and attention for looking like they're cooperating with the staff, encouraging that in the future and bringing them in from the outside of the social-reward structure you're trying to set up, where it's cool too be wacky but responsible.

That preparation effort paid off maybe four times across three years, but it was completely worth it.

The downside, of course, is that when one of your kids goes missing in a storm when it's hailing and pouring sheets of water, and you don't have many dry clothes left, you're reduced to running through the rain looking for them in your underwear, which are situationally inappropriate / jarringly comical to the full extent possible.

[dearausten]

not now sweetie, mommy is watching how the massive girlbossification of female characters has led to the belief that weak and vulnerable female characters are badly written characters because apparently every woman needs to be outspoken and witty and snarky and brave in order to be considered “complex” and have any value in a piece of media!!

[chilewithcarnage]

[grymmoires]

[inexplicably-gaining-followers]

This stupid exchange between friends has become a cultural icon.

[the-haiku-bot]

This stupid exchange

between friends has become a

cultural icon.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[luulapants]

Story time:

In middle school biology, we did an experiment. We were given yams, which we would sprout in cups of water. We then had to make hypotheses about how the yams would grow, based on descriptions of yam plants in our books, and make notes of our observations as they grew.

Here’s what was supposed to happen: we were supposed to see that the actual growth of the plant did not resemble our hypotheses. We were then supposed to figure out that these were, in fact, sweet potatoes.

What actually happened was that every single student in every single class lied in their notes so that their observations perfectly matched their hypotheses. See, everyone assumed the mismatch meant they had done something wrong in the process of growing the plant or that they had misunderstood the dichotomous key or the plant identification terminology. And, thanks to the wonders of a public school education, everyone assumed the wrong results would get us a failing grade. We were trying to pass. We didn’t want to get bitched out by the teacher. Curiosity, learning, science - that had nothing to do with why we were sitting in that classroom. So we all lied.

The teacher was furious. She tried to fail every student, but the administration stepped in and told her she wasn’t allowed to because a 100% fail rate is recognized as a failure of the teacher, not the class. It wasn’t even her fault, really, though her being a notorious hard-ass didn’t help. It was a failure of the entire educational system.

So whenever I see crap like Elizabeth Holmes’s blood test scam or pharmaceutical trials which are unable to be replicated or industry-funded research that reaches wildly unscientific conclusions, I just remember those fucking sweet potatoes. I remember that curiosity dies when people are just trying to give their superiors the “right” answers, so they can get the grade, get the job, get the paycheck. It’s not about truth when it’s about paying rent. There’s no scientific integrity if you can’t control for human desperation.

[artofmaquenda]

New fun project! I enhanced a cheap thriftstore sculpture :3

When I see these things I always think they look better with an animal head haha! I can't wait to paint it! 😄

[artofmaquenda]

Gessoed her :>

[artofmaquenda]

Enough for today :)

[allegedly-human]

nonsense words such as "blorbo" and "skibidi" are outliers and a minuscule minority and thus do not invalidate that statement

[crabussy]

going up to a gay couple and asking "so which one of you is the big pointy chinned yaoi and which one of you is the little blue eyed yaoi"

[guillo-tina]

It is up for you to decide when you draw them I thonk

[crabussy]

going up to a gay couple and showing them the drawing I did of them as the big pointy chinned yaoi and the little blue eyed yaoi, setting their respective roles in stone for the rest of their lives

[anyonewestofbree]

Let’s climb on and chew and get chomped by mama

[drtanner]

Me, seeing the first frame of this video: Oh, mama's at the end of her rope. :')

[thecolorsfucked]

she seems a lil stressed

[stupidjewishwhiteboy]

Unmute to hear the lion kitten’s reaction

[twistcmyk]

R.I.P. JUNIPER BLESSING.

[jay-rayart]

FLY is a story about a boy who gets a second chance. Help his story take flight June 9th 11am EST on Kickstarter. Thank you for being the wind beneath my wings I hope this story lifts the world to a brighter place.

Coming soon: FLY : A Magical Black Boy Series - Pilot Animatic

A coming of age story about Black kids who finally have power to fight back against systems designed against them.

[bobbysox]

"are you ok with mutuals dming?" my mutuals can keep me as their pet if they want

[teaboot]

My mom likes to tell me about how when I was a little kid riding public transport with her I'd always smile and giggle and chat with weird old ladies who smelled like cat pee and homeless folks and strangers dressed in bizarre outfits but any time a tidy and respectable businessman in a suit and tie waved at me I'd immediately clam up, and she takes a great deal of pride in my supposed inherentability to clock personalities but the truth is I do vaguely remember those bus rides, and it was never about the clothes or the hair or the smell, but more because everyone "strange" asked interesting questions and listened to what I had to say and seemed to think about what I said while the neat and tidy and rigid folks only ever acted like they were going through the motions, which was boring as hell and also pretty annoying

[teaboot]

Well-to-do finance manager with tidy shoes: "Why hello, sweetheart. Can you say 'hi'? Aren't you cute. Are you on a trip with your mom?"

4 year old me: why must we do this

Fantastic old woman in the leopard print coat: "Why yes, my tooth IS real silver! Nobody ever asks me that. Do you like cats?"

4 year old me, suddenly paying attention: Finally, A Person Of Intellect

[saltiecattoz]