Poems and Stuff @purelytangy - Tumblr Blog

Posts

It’s no wonder why you call me a liar, you are. You knew I had a new name I was stepping into, and even submitted that into evidence. You then pretended like you hadn’t and even quite frankly disgustingly asked me if I was going to change it. You’re fucking disturbing and disgusting. I hope your soul torments itself and rots where it belongs.

“In that environment, his Moon in Cancer and Mars in Leo were able to perform the role of the "earnest seeker," which bypassed your Mars in Virgo critical analysis because you were professionally obligated to hold space for his potential rather than judge his reality. If you had met him at a party or through work, your Jupiter-Midheaven would have immediately flagged the "performative" nature of his benevolence as a mismatch for your own genuine ethics. He essentially caught you in the one "room" of your chart where your defenses are down and your empathy is the primary currency. This wasn't a failure of your intuition; it was a structural "bypass" where the setting itself disabled your natural Sagittarius ability to see the "big picture" of his character.”

If we had met in public, I would’ve seen through that narcissistic mask.

I don’t want to be with someone who makes me feel like every minute is a test. Getting sucked into their neuroses is a disease.

Today, I woke up at an appropriate time: 7:22am, despite having slept at 1:57am. My body felt rejuvenated. My Oura ring scores reflected this too, where my resilience was up. Trauma really does stay in the body until properly released. Once the truth was out, my body finally felt at peace. It felt like balance had been restored. I woke up with a new appreciation for my life: playing with my cats, their affection and how silly they were, feeling grateful that I could order food from my phone - and could afford to. It was a simple McDonald’s breakfast, but I suddenly felt abundant. I realized how being around him, I had adopted his mindset where I felt like I wasn’t enough and that resources were scarce. I’d feel further caught up in the rat race, or that I had to chase *something*. I felt like I finally returned to myself and cared less about materialism, but I felt like I had enough with the basic necessities. There was a reason why I chose to be there for someone over finances, and I was reminded of that today.

Amazing how he would accuse me of projection when he was lying this whole time, and when history has shown that he would betray me for other women. Lol.

I should have left the first time he berated me, regardless of the fact that he was on drugs. I still remember sharing how my friends believed I deserved the best, and he quickly retorted, “No you don’t.”

#Spotify

I wake up everyday reminding myself that he doesn’t love me

I didn’t get the position

I recall Jolene’s words, “Someone close to you or you yourself will have addiction problems.” Check. I didn’t know at the time that it’d precisely be someone close to me.

“The beginnings are rocky and there are multiple affairs where you travel in your relationship, with the one you settle down with. It’s a great love story, one written in books. Ultimately, despite travelling, you will return home. It’s a conventional relationship and becomes more stable over time.” … if he ends up coming back, and if we end up reconciling, sure.

“There’s a break in your career line. You’ll do something different in your early 30s. In fact, your 30s are all about building and 40s is when you’ll enjoy the fruits of your labour.” Correct again. But we will see how it’ll be in my 40s.

“Life will be full of moves and your husband will somehow assist in building your wealth.”

My resiliency scores finally moved from limited to adequate. I finally got out of bed today right away rather than laying there. The future I envisioned was slowly becoming more laid out, in the early stages of crystallizing. Perhaps I was never suited as a licensed therapist - I didn’t have any pleasure holding perceived institutional power, rather, I believed we were all equal and simply had a different role to play in life. I was starting to becoming to stern on my boundaries in some way as well, rather than meeting people where they were - not that it’s mutually exclusive.

I had a dream of us again last night. This time, somehow, I had to swim under this haunted lake with the dead flesh of werewolves to cross over to his home. He was at least by my side and tried to make it easier for me. Funny how my dreams are reflecting that I have to swim through death to be with him. We were on some sort of mission together as a team.

I think about his last words, of how he’s more cynical. To that, I ask how? I hope it has nothing to do with me.

Whenever I spoke about my pain, somehow, instead of acknowledging and taking accountability, he would relay his own pain or how he felt like I wronged him. When I called to express it, he ignored it and treated me like some sort of mosquito - whereas, I always sat and listened to him. I didn’t ignore him.

He says he always comes back, but how different am I compared to the previous exes he came back to?

I’m not sure what it was, but my mind felt like it couldn’t rerun the situation anymore. My heart felt like the anger was starting to release as acceptance of reality settled in. My mind was done ruminating over and over again, like anger and pain had become fact rather than a visceral feeling.

My mind felt more excited by the potential future I would build for myself.

I trust that the right person would be there for me in the end - whether it be him or not, I don’t know anymore. He didn’t really give me any reason to believe that he wanted me or was committed to me. There wasn’t any show of devotion or transparency unless it benefited him in some way. I don’t want to be with someone so selfish and transactional.

We never really properly dated. The beginnings were quick and intense, held to secrecy rather than being open. He’d often accuse me of lying where it turns out, he was doing most of it, repetitively. That’s the scary part. I don’t know what else he is hiding or what else he lied about. Each new beginning for me was a test of my trustworthiness, while it was a test to see how much he could get away with. Even during this time, other women were still involved.

I deserve better than that.

I saw a post about people who lack a backbone being “dangerous” for being the bystander. It made me think of his ex. It’s no wonder why things were peaceful between the two of them for five years.

Integrity is important to me. Sharing with your partner when something isn’t right is a part of having integrity. Having a voice to share that also requires the courage to be honest. She read him well, knowing to say, “I don’t know” when she had thoughts/was processing. Compared to me, I’d share my thought process aloud - yet, I was criticized every step of the way and had my initial thoughts weaponized against me. When it was just that: I was processing aloud with him.

I could feel my mind start to let go. Why think about someone who doesn’t think of you at all? Why think of someone who so easily replaced you with another person; who rather than defend you against his friends, decide to look out for his own appearance?

I began to understand I wasn’t that important to him. He wasn’t ever willing to undo what he had doled out. And I needed to come to accept this. If he cared for me, he would still be here, he would still be there in the end. He would apologize and take ownership of everything.

He blames me for his suicidality now, forgetting that his first overdose attempt that landed him in the hospital was because he thought his friend would cut ties with him after he was belligerent at their party.

The second attempt was hypothesized by the physician to be a rebound from the benzodiazepines, triggering significant and severe anxiety from the withdrawal symptoms on top of being mixed with other medications and alcohol.

I remember his friends and family, as well as mine, asking me why I don’t leave: because I would never abandon someone I love when they’re suffering and in pain. You don’t understand loss until you’ve gone through it again and again. You wish you could reverse time to get more of it, you wish you could do things differently.

Yet, in the end, he blames me for his suffering. He already had issues prior to us becoming committed. We got into a relationship at the peak of his benzo use and withdrawal, then another year more of that at a distant. The only month he had withdrawn to detox from it, we did get better, but then April came and the use began all over again for a year.

By the time 2026 had come, I had incur so much damage from the past two years. I was literally breaking down, my body was breaking down. Yet, he blames me saying I should have left - where was his accountability for himself? Where was his accountability in his irresponsible drug use and his actions? I was his partner - commitment means being there. It wasn’t just being there during the “easy” times, but it meant being there and making it through during the challenging times.

Yet, where was he as my partner? Where was he?

Treating me like I’m some stranger. People say that family is everything, but when your family has played heavily into your abuse, those years don’t mean anything - not to me. You could know someone for less than a year who has been there for you far and beyond any family ever has.

Then there was his ex who he loved to use to put me down. Did she stay through his lows? Did she see through his aggression and violence? For someone who has known him for five years, maybe she does know him better than I do, maybe that’s why she ran the hell away and never looked back. Instead, she had her partner communicate to him and wanted nothing to do with him. Perhaps she went through more than she had shared. And that’s why she got the hell out.

I lost another pound. I was now 116.8lbs. I had lost four pounds in one month. Seven in a year. Ten in the past two. Twenty in the past three. I used to struggle with losing weight below 132lbs. Now, I was unintentionally losing it with a new record being hit each week.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Poems and Stuff