purple typewriter

some poetry I wrote

[purple-typewriter]

4:54am, 6/23/17

I understand why numbness is necessary now

I may not like it, but there it is

This time though, it’s saved me.

I’ve gone into such a dark place that I shut down as opposed to whatever this could have done to me

I am ice and stone where normally I am fire and a bleeding heart

I am only scared of what I’ll feel once I am capable of that again

May it not change me

[purple-typewriter]

1:50am, 6/21/17

Is this what life is?

Fighting for air and wondering if you’re going to make it out alive

Working tooth and nail to do just one productive thing 

only to find that you’re so exhausted from it that you become useless

Were you already

Another red mark for those negative thoughts you aren't supposed to be having

The darkness wins the day

[purple-typewriter]

1:48am, 6/21/17

Am I okay?

Because I’m starting to think probably no

I've been hurting for so long that it just feels like the new normal

Spiraling is my baseline state of being

All that I want is to be able to share the things that I love with other people, but it feels like screaming into the void 

I am a black hole, sucking myself in

[purple-typewriter]

11:28pm, 6/19/17

I am purple 

Green

And blue

Deep down and all of the way to the bone

I've done everything to prevent anyone from finding out

There are cracks in me down to the muscle and my heart, even

Bandages wrap my broken parts and hide them, even from me.

[purple-typewriter]

11:15pm, 6/19/17

There are so many things that I don’t understand

I have so many questions and nobody to ask

I consistently doubt my own ability to do just about anything

Is this just the way that I am or is it my father’s words, ringing in my ears

I might never find out

It’s another one of those questions I may never answer

[purple-typewriter]

12:41am, 6/18/17

It doesn’t take much to please me

A text

Art

Winning at a dumb game

The smile of a child, that I love so much,

I can’t imagine how I might feel when I hold my own

They are my weakness

They are my greatest strength

[purple-typewriter]

11:57pm, 6/18/17

Decisions are hard for me

A lot of the time I don’t know what I’m doing

Most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing

Until a certain point, I was always told what to do with myself and when

Because of this, I have no faith in myself

No trust

I don’t fucking know who I am unless I’m around other people 

Please tell me what to do

[purple-typewriter]

11:55pm, 6/18/17

Lazy days are supposed to be good days

And yet I feel completely useless

This is why I hate to be even slightly under the weather

This is why I love it

So tired that I can barely focus my eyes and yet my journaling is done, 

my alarm is set for early tomorrow

I’d like to think that I'm doing pretty well

Pushing myself as hard as I dare

[purple-typewriter]

12:39am, 6/18/17

I wear him on my back like a decoration

My arms are his only support

He has long fallen asleep

Though my legs and my shoulders burn I press on

It’s late and he needs his rest

Another long day awaits tomorrow

I look at the pictures the next day and I swear I have never been happier

[purple-typewriter]

12:58am, 6/17/17

There’s a level of trust with these children that leaves me breathless

My arms may grow heavy 

My shoulders might get even more exhausted

But I won’t stop fighting, I won’t stop carrying these children until I drop

Let it be known that I would die for them

I love them more than anything

Anything and everything

[purple-typewriter]

12:52am, 6/17/17

There are these children that I love, and they love me

It’s being around and with them, that fills me with warmth

They trust me to hold them, carry them, and catch them when they fall

It is my greatest fear that one day I might let them down.

At this point, I can honestly swear I will do everything that I can to prevent that.

[purple-typewriter]

12:14am, 6/16/17

What am I going to be to her, 

the one person who has the most power over me,

the most potential to hurt me.

She has no idea the lengths that I’ve gone to for her 

or the slightest idea of what I’m willing to do

The day that she finds out, will everything change?

Will she ever be able to look at me like I’m her hero again?

I don’t know if I want to know, I’m just going to treasure the days that I can.

[purple-typewriter]

12:10am, 6/16/17

My skin is brown again, for the first time in what feels like years

I’m tired but I feel strong

I’m lonely but for once it doesn’t feel like it will crush me

Maybe I can survive this

Whatever ‘this’ is

My mother tells me I can’t just survive my life

I need to thrive in it

At what point am I supposed to feel like I’m not running anymore?

Am I finally getting there?

[purple-typewriter]

1:28am, 6/15/17

Just let me hold your hand

It isn’t meant to be some lifechanging experience

It’s a gesture of comfort, not an attack on your way of life

It’s a sign that I love you, not that I’m in love with you

Just let it be what it is

Just let me be what I am

Just let us be what we were always meant to be

People

Not monsters

People 

[purple-typewriter]

1:26am, 6/15/17

I wish that I was in love

I wish that I was somebody that you could love

I love people so easily and it’s taken you forever to even see me

I’ve worked to be your friend, and baby, you will never see me stop trying

For as long as you want me around, I will be there 

Always

[purple-typewriter]

12:33am, 6/14/17

Will I know you when we finally meet?

Is it going to be instantaneous or like a slow burn

Will I even feel you like something outside of myself or an extension of who i am 

Your smell, your eyes, should I know them by now?

Should I know them by now?

Have I met you already?

If so, will you one day love me the same?

Let me love you, one day

Let me be whoever you need me to be.

[purple-typewriter]

12:23am, 6/14/17

Love of mine

I don’t know you yet, but I still dream of the day that I will get to hold you

One day we will finally be together

That day I may finally feel complete

Somehow I don’t believe that I ever will be

For now, just know that I love you already and I dream of you always