10/10 would Love to go to sleep and just not wake up xo
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@pushitinpullitout
10/10 would Love to go to sleep and just not wake up xo
I made it public that I really tried to kill/severely harm myself a few days ago, and nobody I know in real life even gave a damn.
how fucking isolating is that.
not a single person who knows me IRL cared.
just let that sink in.
NOBODY CARED.
NOBODY CARED IF I ACTUALLY DIED.
still thinking about this.
Hey. I love you. <33
Thank you Anon. I wish others who I thought were my friends, did too.
I made it public that I really tried to kill/severely harm myself a few days ago, and nobody I know in real life even gave a damn.
how fucking isolating is that.
not a single person who knows me IRL cared.
just let that sink in.
NOBODY CARED.
NOBODY CARED IF I ACTUALLY DIED.
Hahhahahahh I came the closest to severely and permanently harming myself 2 nights ago and family are pretending nothing happened now that it's passed. 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
I'm constantly on the edge of just... ending It.
My life amounts to nothing.
Tonight’s gonna be a long, but short-slept night. Honestly, throughout my 20s, someone that’s basically become the most important non-family person in my life, has kinda been gone for a while now. It pisses me off that I was unfairly judged to a higher standard & therefore the most recent falling out happened. It’s hard to earn back trust in general, but even harder when there’s no attempt, and what’s being said contradicts what’s being done.
He turns 30 today, and damn it, I don’t know how to feel. If he’s happier without having contact with me, then I suppose I have to learn to be happy for him. But I don’t understand him not wanting me to leave, but also not wanting to try and say anything else.
This year has been so hard for very obvious reasons- I’ve lost respect for other friends as well as losing contact with others, but out of it all, I never thought I’d lose him. Certainly not in the “I take you for granted” way, but rather the “I feel so comfortable with you, because I can *actually* fully be myself, which is something I can’t do with literally anybody else” kinda way.
We liked teasing each other a fair bit, especially in ‘18/early ‘19 but I guess somewhere down the line, that died in amongst the multiple fall outs. Even when I seemed like I hated it, I really just enjoyed our time together. Whether it’s teasing or more importantly, spending time together chatting about random shit, and even watching game streams.
He’s made me feel human & free. He even helped with my insecurities, though he probably doesn’t even know or remember.
It just really really sucks, because I feel like I’ve been ‘saying goodbye’ to someone so important to me, for months on end, because reality is that I can’t really say goodbye to it. He means too much to me. He’s listened and stayed with me during some of the worst times of my life.
And yet sometimes, I wonder if I just felt or interpreted things wrong. Maybe I was someone to kill time with due to boredom? Because I’m amusing to mess with? Maybe because when I give my attention, I give *all* of my attention?
I don’t know. My gut still tells me it’s all been genuine, but my mind is confused about the *now* & what’s happened all year. If you don’t want me to leave, then say something? Please?? At the bare minimum, I deserve that much respect. This is not what you do to someone you care about.
Unless you don’t. Which in that case... at least have the decency to tell me so.
I can learn to be happy for you because I want you to be happy- whatever that involves. I thought our little convo bubble gave us a bit of happiness in a world full of shit.
What does it mean when your message thread with someone completely vanishes? It doesn’t say “deactivated” like others- the entire thing is just gone. Did their account get terminated, or does it mean they blocked me?
Was just talking to them a few weeks back, after not being on here for years, and now they’re just..gone?
I don’t intentionally mean to push people away. :(
I truly wish I could just end it, like, assisted suicide style.
I’ve never been cut out for life.
It’s a lonely experience.
Wish I was dead.
Home life is so bad.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just wish i could reset my life.
This is too much.
How do you keep staying alive when all you want to do is die?
I want this person to leave. She's destroying us.
Why are people still following my page despite 3 years of inactivity? Also how is my page even still showing up in searches.
I had a bit of curiosity & just decided to log in briefly.
In case anyone’s wondering, I’m still very much dysfunctional, but for a myriad of different reasons. I’m still alive, though more so ‘getting by’ rather than ‘living life’. It doesn’t bring me much happiness, and my (physical) health is significantly worse than it was 3 years ago.
So that’s me.
Whoever’s reading this- I hope you’re all doing well in life. I hope you’re all staying as safe as you can be during this insane pandemic, and looking after each other. Most of us are still in indefinite life limbo, and it’s such a destructive mindset to be in.
Don’t be a jerk to others. Don’t be racist. Stand up against anyone that you see being abused, whether it’s due to covid-related racism, or abuse against mask wearers etc. Stand up but keep a distance. Be careful.
x
I’ve lost almost everyone important in my life.
I can’t trust anyone anymore.
My career is virtually down the drain.
My health is fucked.
I feel as if I’m lying to myself whenever I feel anything positive.
I have no idea who I am.
I don’t talk, and I don’t want to talk to anyone.
Basically the only thing preventing me from another breakdown is consistently making myself feel nothing + distract myself with games.
Which means I’m not really doing anything productive with life, so.
.
.
I’m really sorry for practically abandoning this page and ignoring everyone. I hate ignoring people, but I’m really in my own personal crisis which I don’t think will ever actually end.
I’m really sorry you’ve had experiences with jerks too. It’s difficult because nobody really acknowledges that a long distance relationship is ‘real’, let alone being psychologically abused after being in one. I’ve been staying up extra late and eating lots of chocolate, and in all honesty it just makes me feel worse afterwards. You’re right about being unable to hurt them. I’m being told that “it’s not of importance anymore”, which, yeah... way to make the situation sound even more insignificant.
Update
I’m going to try to reply to my old messages in the coming week.
I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try.
I don’t remember how to be happy anymore.
@shop-girl-1025 Unfortunately some are much worse than simply “stupid”, though.
Boys are dangerous and abusive and manipulative. They don’t look ahead or think about the consequences of things and in turn can severely hurt and damage us...
The problem is, how do you hurt them back if they didn’t care in the first place? You can’t hurt someone that never cared for you. I’ve learnt that the hard way over and over and over again.
Update
Sorry for not replying to anything. I haven't been on for the last three months and I'm not exactly on now either. I'm in the absolute worst state I've ever been in. If I was more spontaneous, I would have taken a knife to the throat months ago. 🔪 Fuck liars. Fuck manipulators. Fuck abusers. Fuck narcissists. Fuck those who support any of the above.