Tonight’s gonna be a long, but short-slept night. Honestly, throughout my 20s, someone that’s basically become the most important non-family person in my life, has kinda been gone for a while now. It pisses me off that I was unfairly judged to a higher standard & therefore the most recent falling out happened. It’s hard to earn back trust in general, but even harder when there’s no attempt, and what’s being said contradicts what’s being done.
He turns 30 today, and damn it, I don’t know how to feel. If he’s happier without having contact with me, then I suppose I have to learn to be happy for him. But I don’t understand him not wanting me to leave, but also not wanting to try and say anything else.
This year has been so hard for very obvious reasons- I’ve lost respect for other friends as well as losing contact with others, but out of it all, I never thought I’d lose him. Certainly not in the “I take you for granted” way, but rather the “I feel so comfortable with you, because I can *actually* fully be myself, which is something I can’t do with literally anybody else” kinda way.
We liked teasing each other a fair bit, especially in ‘18/early ‘19 but I guess somewhere down the line, that died in amongst the multiple fall outs. Even when I seemed like I hated it, I really just enjoyed our time together. Whether it’s teasing or more importantly, spending time together chatting about random shit, and even watching game streams.
He’s made me feel human & free. He even helped with my insecurities, though he probably doesn’t even know or remember.
It just really really sucks, because I feel like I’ve been ‘saying goodbye’ to someone so important to me, for months on end, because reality is that I can’t really say goodbye to it. He means too much to me. He’s listened and stayed with me during some of the worst times of my life.
And yet sometimes, I wonder if I just felt or interpreted things wrong. Maybe I was someone to kill time with due to boredom? Because I’m amusing to mess with? Maybe because when I give my attention, I give *all* of my attention?
I don’t know. My gut still tells me it’s all been genuine, but my mind is confused about the *now* & what’s happened all year. If you don’t want me to leave, then say something? Please?? At the bare minimum, I deserve that much respect. This is not what you do to someone you care about.
Unless you don’t. Which in that case... at least have the decency to tell me so.
I can learn to be happy for you because I want you to be happy- whatever that involves. I thought our little convo bubble gave us a bit of happiness in a world full of shit.
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