Putin's Tiger

I work in news. I believe that gives me license to comment on current events and complain about everything else that annoys me. (Mostly the latter.)

[putinstiger]

Uh oh. Someone call mom. Grandpa's being a douchebag again.

[putinstiger]

An Open Letter to William Blake

Dear Mr. William Blake,

First of all, it's TIGER, not TYGER. (Hint to help you remember: It’s EYE of the tiger, not WHY of the tiger.)

Secondly, you may be all fancy and Romantic over there in 18th Century England, but you can’t rhyme for shit. Eye and Symmetry? Nice TRY. (See how I did that?) Why don’t you go make out with Percy BYSSHE Shelley. (He can’t spell either.)

Sincerely,

Putin’ s Tiger

[putinstiger]

Blood Diamonds

Apparently Qaddafi’s body is being stored in a freezer while they decide what to do with it. May I make a suggestion? 

[putinstiger]

The Wackness

Yay, Libyan rebels. You’ve saved me and my spell check a lot of headaches. I heard the Qaddafi (Khadafy, Gadaffie, Kqdsfdky, etc.) news while getting ready for work this morning. Good Day NY managed to slip it in there between the Spanx fashion show and their 1,245th Breast Cancer Awareness segment.* Now if somebody would just smother that mo-fo Megrahi with a pillow (a pink one perhaps?) we’d be all good.

It’s no secret that I like animals better than people. For one thing, animals don’t snap their gum on the subway or root for the Yankees. So of course I am devastated about the Ohio animals. It’s bad enough they are stuck in Ohio. What a shitty life. You start out as a mighty lion, king of the jungle, roaming the Serengeti and you end up in Ohio, shot in the back trying to escape like a common meth-head. They didn’t even get a chance to kill and eat any Ohioans. On a semi-related note, I’m not saying the Wall Streeters should be shot per se, I’m just saying the authorities in Zanesville, Ohio have a better grip on how to deal with dirty, potentially dangerous wild animals than the mayor of NYC.

*Is there really anyone who’s NOT aware of breast cancer at this point?

[putinstiger]

Occupy This

So let’s talk about these Wall Street idiots. I graduated from college during the early 90s recession with an English degree from an accounting school in upstate NY and no prospects.* I spent the summer after graduation watching Reality Bites and reading Jack Kerouac until my mother kicked my ass off the couch and made me get a job. And let’s just say I was the best (and by best, I mean worst) server Pizzeria Uno’s has ever seen. So I’m not entirely unsympathetic to the Wall Streeters’ plight. I, too, was once a lazy, entitled asshole. However, my mom put a stop to that shit pretty quickly.

And that’s what’s missing here. Someone needs to be the mom and kick these assholes off the couch. I suggest tear gas.

*Okay, so it didn't help that I spelled my own name wrong on my resume. I blame public school.

[putinstiger]

Let's start this bitch off with some video of the tiger in question.