jason palmer.

i know that you don't want me here.

[pvlmer]

harryzhangs​:

her attention was piqued when jason brought up his police interview, specifically when he mentioned saying who could have vandalized orson’s house. harry hadn’t gotten the impression that jason was the sort to name anybody to the police, unless he had good reason… so of course she was curious. particularly because of the fact that one of the people really responsible for the vandalism was sitting right next to him, and if he suspected someone else– well, harry wanted to know about it. it made her incredibly stressed to think about one of her innocent classmates falling under suspicion because of something she’d actually done, this messy rampage she and jonah had undergone.

“it was fine. intense, like you said, but i didn’t really have anything to tell them either.” she shrugged, gaze remaining on the movie as though this was nothing more consequential than small talk. “you think someone here vandalized his house, though? who do you think? no pressure, obviously– i’ve just been wracking my brain trying to imagine any of us doing that kind of thing.”

jason didn’t really want to talk about the police interview. but he figured it wouldn’t hurt because he didn’t say anything too incriminating. but every time someone brought up the police interview or orson’s death in general, there were a confusing mix of emotions that he had to go through. when he talked about the police interview, he tried his best to make it seem like it wasn’t too big of a deal because he felt like if he did, he would open himself up to be a suspect. and he was trying his best to cover his track as best he could. 

“yeah, i feel like a lot of people didn’t have much to tell them.” jason was still curious. about who actually killed orson. who did what jason dreamed of doing but never technically did. he couldn’t say he blamed the culprit. “i mean, it could be anyone. i told them that literally every single student had a reason because he was...difficult.” that was putting it lightly. “i mean, i said it could be hudson but it was kind of like, offhanded and purely speculation? i just know hudson was super mad when orson paired us together. because he was insulted that he was paired with the weakest link.” the last sentence has a bitterness to it, but one that’s followed by a dry laugh. 

[pvlmer]

aldysfool​:

nate winces at jason’s words. for so long, he had tried to be the best brother - or at least, the best brother he knew how to be. in their household, nate had learned specific lessons about patience, kindness, and empathy. all of which he never had to really use with jason, because things had been easy for them for a long time. now in hindsight, while trying to analyze his brother, nate felt that familiar pang of guilt he always managed to push down. had things only been easy because nate didn’t try to work on their relationship? how much was there that they hadn’t talked about, simply because they didn’t think it was necessary? had nate pushed jason away, somehow? the answers to those questions were hard to think about. 

but he couldn’t let jason shut down on him this time; the stakes were too high. “who’s name did you say? is that so much of a secret you can’t even tell me?” nate looks out past jason, out towards the rest of the campus through the thick of the trees. he thinks about the police, about the investigation, about orson’s body and - “jason…i love you, okay? i’d gladly give you a kidney, a lung, a part of my pancreas - if they were healthy, that is.” nate steps closer to him, “my point is that i’d do just about anything for you. but i need you to trust me.” nate knows he’s handled jason with kid gloves practically their whole life, so this feels especially weird for them, but he has to see this through. no matter what the answer might turn out to be.

“tell me the truth”, nate signs with a mixture of nostalgia for their ‘secret’ language as kids and fear of what jason might actually reveal to him. “did you kill o-r-s-o-n?”

jason hates this. he hates how distant nate feels. and he hates that he’s mostly the reason for it. or moreso, that he’s entirely the reason for it. despite how close they are, there’s always been some sort of wall that was up between them. jason built the wall so that nate wouldn’t see all of the terrible things he thought and that he could keep him at a distance so he wouldn’t hurt the person who meant the most to him. it was like he was rogue, crafting himself a suit to keep nate from touching his skin, so that nate could never get hurt but still only go skin deep with him. jason knew this was his fault, the distance. but he couldn’t help it. their parents had always been so focused on nate, for good reason, that he never really got the kind of upbringing and never got to carve out a space of his own. despite their parents always encouraging the two to bond, jason thought that their parenting did more to push them apart than together.

“hudson.” the name drops out of jason’s mouth. he feels bad about saying it, even though it was just mere speculation, even though he and hudson had their differences, considering they were rivals, he didn’t want him to become a suspect. he just told the police his theory, because that’s all it was. jason was a little taken aback by nate’s forthrightness, but he nodded. “i love you too.” there were things that jason was unsure of in this moment -- what he was going to do, how nate was going to look at him once he knew -- but he never doubted that. and he never doubted nate. “i trust you.”

jason takes a deep breath. the moment of truth. signing was the way they used to communicate, and it still brought jason a longing for the time before they were focused on auditions and schoolwork. “not technically,” was all jason could sign back.

[pvlmer]

imessage | mathias

mathias: and ur doing a Stellar job rehearsing all the time

mathias: no sarcasm promise

mathias: well u don't know who u can trust anymore!!!! fucking chandler can't be the only one who threw me under the bus smh

jason: thanks man.

jason: i mean, i wouldn't throw you under the bus. i promise.

[pvlmer]

harryzhangs:

harry closed the last of her books and shoved them all away, positioning her laptop where jason could see and then leaning forward to select the film. “there’s the decisive jason answer i was hoping for,” she teased him, before pondering the choice for a minute. “i think othello. i feel like i talk about hamlet every day of my life already, you know what i mean?” harry shrugged and clicked on the film before settling back onto the couch, hugging her knees into her chest and positioning her chin on top of them. the great thing about watching shakespeare adaptations with her peers was that she knew they were all more than familiar with the material already, and their attention could waft in-and-out but still be able to pick up on what was going on at any point.

“how’ve you been since that police statement, by the way?” harry asked a few minutes into the movie. “since it’s clearly driving some of us up the fucking wall.”

jason let out a little laugh at harry’s teasing. it was a fair comment, since he never really seemed to make many decisions and he always just went with what everyone else wanted. “i aim to please,” he said, his dry humor shining through. “othello is definitely a solid choice. and yeah, i feel that. i’m that way with a lot of like my dream roles -- i think about them so much that i get in my head watching other people play them.” although he did watch other people play them, in order to study and learn from their performances, it often made jason feel a little insecure. even though he knew he could play the roles, he would always compare himself to those others, and to everyone else for that matter. jason settled into the couch, and set his eyes on harry’s laptop.

“oh, yeah, it was intense,” jason said. “i mean, i didn’t really tell them much because i didn’t have much to tell them. they did ask who would want to vandalize orson’s home so i said it could be someone, but it could also be anyone because orson certainly got on a lot of people’s bad sides. what about you? was it rough?”

[pvlmer]

aldysfool·:

nate only catches a piece of jason’s suggestion, but he picks up one more stone and throws it anyway. it skips a few times, and then submerges. nate turns to face jason, aware of how sketchy he’s being. hell, how sketchy he felt. thinking back, nate couldn’t remember too often that they fought or had any bad blow ups like other siblings he knew. and honestly, nate could never tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing. he looks around and shrugs, “i don’t know, i guess i came out here to think for a while, but then i realized you and i needed to talk about all of this…shit. honestly, that statement from the police has been freaking me out. i don’t know what you told them, but i basically ran off at the mouth about orson and what i knew about the drugs. and about chandler. whatever i knew to keep them from looking in my direction. …in your direction.” nate looks at jason, and really can’t help but feel a little hurt that his own brother didn’t feel comfortable enough to share his mistakes. his trauma. his guilt. but somebody needed to make the first step.

“listen, it’s about time we talked about the night orson died.” 

the mood feels weird to jason. even as someone who’s normally adaptable in most situations, he can’t help but feel a little uneasy. and he can’t quite put his finger on it. he figures it was because of nate’s mood shift, that’s what’s putting him off. hes’ so used to seeing his brother crack jokes and be the life of the party, but this mood on him was seldom something jason saw. he wonders if it’s a mood that nate keeps hidden from others, kind of like how jason keeps parts of himself hidden to certain people. jason tries to focus on the lake, rather than how creepy everything is. he remembers his therapist telling him focusing on one thing can help alleviate anxiety. he’s not sure if it’s working or not. he hears what nate says. so he settles on: not. 

“i only told them stuff i thought was relevant to the case. i mostly told them that i didn’t think anyone here is capable of something like that but they kind of pressed me so i did say someone’s name but it was more like just a theory, you know?” a couple moments pass before what nate had said really sunk in for jason. he was mostly talking about the police investigation and didn’t even register that nate had said he was trying to keep the cops from suspecting jason. “wait...why would you want to keep them from looking in my direction?” he gulps. because deep down, he knows the answer. but he can’t tell nate what happened that night. how he laughed in the face of orson as he bled out, how he liked seeing him suffer. the guilt of his actions and of keeping this from nate have been heavy on jason, but not as heavy as knowing that his brother would never look at him the same again. “nate, i...don’t know what you’re talking about.” his voice was unconvincing to even an ordinary person, so it certainly wouldn’t be enough to convince his brother. but he couldn’t, he couldn’t let nate see that side of him. the side that got lost in the shadows and became the darkness within them. 

[pvlmer]

imessage | josephine

josie: you don't 'think' i did? love the confidence

josie: and why should i believe you?

josie: there is no making it worse, we are at the worst. i have been accused of murder. don't pussy out of the conversation with weak excuses.

jason: i don't know why you expect confidence from me

jason: i could ask you the same question but it's just not worth it.

jason: that's not what i meant. i meant that if there is a killer of orson, having us all accuse each other makes it worse by turning us against each other and we're playing into their hands.

jason: i wasn't "pussying" out.

jason: your stuff is by mathias's bed, come pick it up whenever.

[aldysfool]

when: immediately after the released police statement; where: the lake; who: @pvlmer​.

nate was sure he was about to lose it. sure, when he had gotten pulled away for a moment to chat with the detectives some time ago, he had convinced himself that everything would be fine. but now, sitting at the edge of the lake, nate did not feel the same way. like suddenly with that statement, everything was that much more real and it scared him. but not just for his sake. jason. nate had called him earlier and told him they needed to meet, but didn’t say for what. he just knew it was about time they talked. about everything. with thoughts burning a hole in his head, nate glances back when he hears footsteps approaching. he throws another stone across the lake. it goes right in. “i swear i’m better at this. at least, i used to be.”

[pvlmer]

jason had been on edge recently. usually when he was on edge, it wouldn’t show. he had gotten pretty good at hiding his frustrations. but between the masque ball and the police interrogation, he thought the mask that he wore might be beginning to crack. and he never really felt comfortable showing anyone else what was beneath it. most people already thought so lowly of him or not at all, if they saw him without his mask, he couldn’t imagine what they would think. he got a little nervous when nate called him to talk, he was worried something had gone wrong. his brother’s tone was less jovial and humorous than usual, so he knew something had to be up. he walked towards the lake where he saw nate and gave him a nod as he watched him skip stones. “it’s all in the flick of the wrist,” jason said in a small voice. “so uh...what’s up? why did you want to meet? here of all places?”

[pvlmer]

harryzhangs​:

jason’s genuine enthusiasm toward the rehearsal warmed cheered in harry, the corner of her lips betraying her and twitching upward slightly as she felt a warm, supportive feeling blossom in her. she was glad to see jason get a bigger role this semester– he’d been written off by orson, rather unfairly (in harry’s opinion, at least), and now he was finally getting the chance to show everyone that he’d grown as an actor during his time at alderidge. she supposed it was only what he deserved, and it did make harry feel slightly worse about the self-pity she’d been stewing in (although she had the good sense to truly and properly disguise it around the vast majority of her peers).

“not sure,” she shrugged, eyeing the mass of tv and movie titles and posters that lined up across her laptop screen. “i was thinking shakespeare– i mean, when am i not– but not macbeth. maybe othello, the laurence fishburne one. or the david tennant hamlet. you down for a movie night?”

jason gave harry a small smile back. they both had to deal with the problem of being overlooked, and jason was happy that he had finally gotten the chance to be seen by someone else. someone other than orson who didn’t view him as nate’s brother or the weakest link. even if at times, he felt as if he were. he spent so many years in the background, studying and trying to prove himself. he was grateful that this might be the year that he got to. although he wasn’t proud of how it happened and his role in it. 

“i’m definitely down for a movie night,” jason said, taking off his sweatshirt and lying it down on the common room floor. “i could always go for shakespeare. i’m up for either othello or hamlet, your pick.”

[pvlmer]

imessage | chandler

chandler: thanks, jason. i mean it!!

chandler: and i'm sorry, you don't deserve that. you're a good person, and very talented. i'm glad i know you :)

chandler: and thank you, again. i never thought you did but it's reassuring to know

jason: thanks chandler, that means a lot.

jason: and of course.

[pvlmer]

imessage | mathias

mathias: o bless u i wasn't rehearsing

mathias: like i need to rehearse fuckin king duncan lmao

mathias: real talk promise me as my roommate that u did Not try and sell me out to the police

jason: oh haha i rehearse all of the time so

jason: do you really think that if you were capable of murder that i would tell the cops?

jason: i live with you, i wouldn't sell someone out who lives with me. i'm not an idiot, mathias.

[pvlmer]

JASON PALMER ON SOCIAL MEDIA – INSTAGRAM

jason isn’t super active on instagram. he didn’t have one for the longest of times, thinking it kind of futile to scroll through people’s curated lives that reminded him of what he didn’t have. as such, he was really reluctant to get one, but people convinced him to get one in case he ever wants to network or make it big in any theater industry. he doesn’t post much, because he doesn’t really see the point. he doesn’t lead what he thinks is an interesting life so he mostly just posts about alderidge events and when he gets new headshots. he’s not really the type to go on instagram more than maybe around once a month. basically, whenever it’s nate’s birthday or the school is putting on a play. other than that, he keeps it pretty quiet because he doesn’t have much to share. or well, he does. he just doesn’t have much to share that he thinks other would want him to. 

[findingcasualmagic]

Just so you know..

[pvlmer]

texts | palmer bros.

nate: it's not a meme, GRANDPA! i was just trying to have some couth and double check that you & mathias aren't doing the horizontal tango? ....taking a trip to pound town? .......playin hide the sausage?

nate: fucking, jason

nate: hell yeah. meet me outside the castle in 20 min. ive got a half bottle of gin, two candles, a mortar & pestle, and three books w/ weird Latin phrases and drawings. let's get weiiiiiird

jason: haha very funny

jason: but oh my god no. why would you think that???

jason: he's just not mean to me like josephine is, that's all

jason: okay sounds good :)

[pvlmer]

imessage | chandler

chandler: i know, i'm sorry i flew off the handle. i just...like i get it people didn't all like orson. but a lot of the time when they attack him, it's only a short while until it turns into them attacking me too or calling me a "victim" or some bullshit even tho they don't understand. and i'm just sensitive to it.

chandler: i'm just tired of people pretending they know me :/

chandler: not to say that was u!

chandler: i get it, i'm sorry u didn't get to see the good parts of him.

chandler: also lmao FAIR i should do the same. defending myself against tweedledee and tweedledum was a pain in the ass.

jason: it's cool, i get it.

jason: i mean, i don't get it. i'm not gonna pretend i know what you're going through rn.

jason: it's okay, i honestly got used to it at some point.

jason: to be clear, i didn't say anything about you and orson, it's none of my business. i don't like getting into people's business.

[pvlmer]

imessage | josephine

josie: ugh whatever

josie: you know what for once in your life you're actually right, i don't want you touching my stuff either

josie: and who knows maybe it's about to be brought in as evidence, and you surely wouldn't want ur fingerprints linked to a MURDERER, right?

josie: i'll come and get it later

josie: so long as you're not around

josie: bc something tells me you were one of the assholes that told the police i had something to do with the murder. awfully silent in the gc, weren't you?

jason: yeah, i know. that's why i said it.

jason: listen, i don't think you murdered orson, i didn't say anything about you in the interrogation.

jason: i know we don't like each other but i don't want to make things worse. i muted the gc because the convo was counterproductive and pitting us against each other isn't helping anyone.

[harryzhangs]

when: post-police statement, sometime in the evening idk where: the castle, common room who: @pvlmer​​

as rehearsals started to grow more specific, harry was starting to find that she wasn’t really needed at many of them. it was fine by her– if she was going to have a shitty part, she might as well get more free time out of it. and by free time, that meant more time to throw herself into her studies as a desperate means of distraction from everything else going on. harry was set up in the common area, with her notes, laptop, textbook, and a rainbow of pens and highlighters spread out across the coffee table; but after receiving jason’s text, she was glad to replace homework with company. good vibes were scarce these days, but jason always seemed to have them.

“hey,” she greeted him when she heard footsteps coming in through the front door. “how was rehearsal?” harry’s voice was even, friendly, any trace of the bitterness she felt toward the fact that she was not needed at rehearsal well-smoothed over. she’d always been a pro at that. “you’re not distracting me from studying, don’t worry, i was planning on transitioning into netflix mode around now anyway.”

[pvlmer]

usually when he was no longer needed for rehearsals, jason would either hang back to observe the play or just go back to his room alone. but something about the recent events told him that it was a good idea to be with other people during these trying times, especially his peers in the theatre program as they were all somehow accused of murdering their professor. that’s when he decided to text harry and see if she wanted to hang out. they had always understood each other in a sense, the way they were the ones who always blended in, and the way they were the ones in the program who could sit in comfortable silence during rehearsals. jason walked into the common room, throwing his bag on the floor before plopping down on the couch next to harry.

“it was pretty good, actually.” it was rare for jason to say that and mean it, but this time he did. it was nice to have a part in a play where he could actually flex his acting muscle and have it get noticed. “ooh, what were you planning on watching?” he asked, his eyebrow arching in curiosity. 

[pvlmer]

imessage | chandler

chandler: yeah dude what the fuck WAS that???

chandler: i get enough shit from everyone else, i don't need it from you too

chandler: then again if you've checked the gc recently....i've certainly heard worse lmao

jason: all i meant to say was about my personal experience with orson. i didn't mean it to come off like i was attacking you or anything.

jason: i muted the group chat a while ago because the drama was getting too much and people were making baseless accusations.