Wasicu are so fake and it's exhausting
At work, in circles of friends, pretty much everywhere I have white people just straight up lie to my face about any given thing. In social circumstance it usually is lies about their beliefs or something. At work it usually is they ACT nicer when they want you gone and make up lies behind your back about you to make sure it happens. This happened to me at hobby lobby. I need to eat and pay rent so you get work wherever but these people constantly invent problems around those with less power that they do not like and eventually it leads not only to people believing what they say but to me not being able to pay bills or eat. It doesn’t affect them in a real way and they shift blame to store policy when in the first place I’ve not done the thing they claim.
I’m so tired of all this. There is too much happening for people I let in my life to disregard me because of a lie they tell themselves. I hate having to think about this every day in every interaction. It is draining. I don’t like being so angry all the time or suspicious all the time but when ppl are doing this in every circle I find myself in, work, social, or otherwise, I have to guard myself and isolate myself. I just don’t think I can isolate myself any further than I have already done by delegating all my space to my room, using the rest of the house only to cook and shower, and not talking at jobs because every conversation I let people have with me turns into THEM trying to catch me saying something that justifies their disregard for me they already have.
I’m exhausted. Family is in the hospital and close to dying, dealing with violence against not just myself but my people and watching, while not being able to act, police drop and drag people I love for nothing all while people and parents tell me I’m lazy or not determined enough to make money is too much stress. I do everything I can to sustain myself, something that is not easy especially now. I am not lazy. I work. And to be fired and lied on from jobs to being lied on by people in my “social circle,” (just who I find myself having to be around I guess) has put me in a place of complete unforgiving (grammar but it make sense I think).
I don’t know why so many wasicu analyze and judge my friends and my own life so often because it always leads them to a conclusion that we are lazy and put more energy into our political work than we do on surviving monetarily and that just isn’t true. We do both. Our energy or spirit or whatever just the emotional toll it takes to constantly be under threat by the state cannot be understated and that is going to be reflected on my face. This does not make me lazy or uninterested it shows that I’m hurt, it shows that I don’t even have energy to fake a smile but I will physically push myself to make sure I can eat. And that is what I do.
I think the pattern has been, at least up to my experience with hobby lobby, that you can help wasicu on the job as much as you want and you can stretch yourself as thin as possible to be a good worker but if you are caught struggling and that inconveniences them in anyway to see that they will invent so many times where you did nothing and erase everytime you help do extra just so they have an easier time at work.
This is just how I’ve been treated in a lot of work spaces by wasicu that have explicit power over me. The wasicu that do not have power over me are more difficult to read because they do all of their evil in the shadows. All we see openly are those with power over us because they are ones who deal final blows. They make us feel not wanted and then get angry when we acknowledge it and step back from them. It’s abusive.
Feel isolated at home, and I feel isolated when I leave my home. So if that is how it is, bet. I’m good. I have to make sure I’m left alone. Even though that doesn’t stop them from discussing you and making things up about you it does let you control most of what is seen of you and if that is the most control I can have right now over my own personhood then I will take it and protect what little I can.
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