Lousy, dishonest PR work backfires
Ano 'yung nakasabit sa leeg niya, pulse ox? haha
Jules of Nature
Keni
Misplaced Lens Cap

⁂
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Sweet Seals For You, Always
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@pwnofaderivative
Lousy, dishonest PR work backfires
Ano 'yung nakasabit sa leeg niya, pulse ox? haha
I won't ask you to wait. But I am in the process of claiming myself back. I was insane and inane for the past seven years. This time I know I am winning. I hope you allow me to win you back, too.
It is like an achievement I unlocked along the way, kind of a eureka moment that (finally!) my Id and my Superego successfully implanted in my mind: “you are atypical to begin with. You are meant to be different. To satisfy others’ requirements of what you cannot be is preposterous. Awaken the INTJ in you. Be the hardcore INTJ of old. It is now not a call for help, it is now a call for arms. And your God prepared you for this. He armed you with faith that is insoluble, a testament of His grace. Be the active changer, the cod who can, must and shall swim upstream.”
Me, 5:30 am, was awakened suddenly by this random quote I generated from my mind. Thank you for the suggestions. I have finally decided on what I should be. No more emulations from hereon.
And thank you God for sending some sweet 1k exp points to me directly, unabated and unattenuated.
This is getting too out of hand. Focus on my voice. Close your eyes to simulate low stimulation. Follow through the breathing in and out. Focus. I need you now, today and for the rest of the month. Isang buwan nalang. Tiis lang. Hinga lang.
I am getting scared of myself. I know what I can do to me if this persists. In the bottomest drawer, the long one, covered in green bag, is a gun. I know what it can do. I know how to use it. I am able.
This is the only thought in my mind that I have to contend with each day.
Caution: long post. I should get this out of my mind so that I can study Pharma better. Just read it.
The truth was, I was depressed. Should there be a reason that I stayed on this state for so long? No. It is something that just happens underneath your skin or underneath your view, where for some minutes, days and months you are inculcated within its definitions and then there came a day where you realized: what the hell is going on? That is the true nature of depression and why some others succumb to it and do not make it across this metaphorical deep lake. You will sink, you will fall, you will drown, and in some unfortunate cases, you will die.
I was distracted a lot. I did not study like how I used to before. I became unable to even memorize the easy stuff to get me a higher grade. I know how to study well, which is the reason why I got accepted in my dream med school, but somehow I became unable to. Of course, in the beginning your worries are superficial. ‘Shit, male-late na ako. Dapat na akong pumasok.’ ‘Shit, babagsak na ako, dapat na akong mag-aral.’ Through these compensatory and superficial mechanisms, I passed. Barely. It shows in my grades in med school.
So I was going on it with. I made completely rational realizations that did not actually address the underlying problem. I became fat because in my mind I thought, ‘madali lang tong mawala.’ Then days in and days out it just became worse. ‘Bakit, mag-aaral pa rin naman ako eh,’ then days in and out the absenteeism just got worse. I was struggling, I know how and why, but I did not address the problem completely.
Then I let go.
It was in my third year as a regular student when the problem dawned on me. I cannot keep on doing this. But how? I was in the loop, and at that time I can attest that I was losing it. The loop is—or was—circling down the drain. I can still vividly remember the time when I made the decision to let go: it was while on a taxi, currently waiting for the traffic light on the intersection of Quirino Avenue and Osmeña Highway to go green, 10 am after a morning class, and I was cutting my class (what, Onin, cutting classes?). I thought, no. This has to stop. But when? I should still continue on, and I can. I can pass my third year and be a clerk, graduate and become an intern and then a licensed physician. But when is the perfect time to stop my problem? It dawned on me on that day on that specific intersection: now. I cannot keep on doing this, I was afraid that I may become pabayâ and my depression translate into my patient care. I am sure that if I did not diverge from my path, I will kill a patient. A person. Another human being. When? During the actual hands-on experience in my clerkship or beyond it? I cannot! Maybe if that has happened to me and I did kill a patient, I might lose it and I die too. I know it is not far from impossible. I simply know.
So my answer to me sinking into the lake was: let go now. Care still, yes, and try to limit the damage. Remember that you can still become a doctor. Let go. Now.
I became an irregular student along the way. People have been telling me that I was supposedly dropped from the course altogether had it been more excessive or worse than how it really was.
So, how to address the problem? I can remember during my Biochemistry days that in a typical meiotic process there are these checkpoints. These checkpoints are placed there as measures of correction. Basically it means that getting through these points and fulfilling their requirements mean that the cell is finally ready to proceed and divide. I applied that to my situation. In the year after the whole fiasco I was still struggling in getting it done. By the time I became a junior intern I somehow managed to completely realize and applied it. It is as basic as it is: never be late.
Absenteeism became my new parameter. If I became late again and it went on after two days, I am now sure that something is up with me again and that will mean that I must take extra measures to get it fixed, even if it means getting psychiatric help. I know that if this happens again, it might become worse and I will not become me again. Triple repeat expansion! (Yes, I love Biochem even after going insane)
And I never did become late. There were sometimes that I was late or absent, and it did not bother me. Remember your threshold: more than two days. If I cannot correct it after that, I will get help. My only claim to fame during my clerkship and internship was that I was never late. NEVER. Check it. I can attest to that. Even my batchmate-turned-seniors and residents who were above me can attest to that. IT IS WORKING.
Coming back to the present time, I am here studying for my PLE. It shows that I was pabayâ. It is still not that difficult because now I can think fully and I have a full grasp of my faculties. Imagine the possibilities if I did not fall into the lake. I might have been one of the best! But no, stop that thinking because that outright negative can bring you back into it. As early as now, learn to understand your triggers and remember to forget.
I wrote this specifically for you because I feel for you. It was relayed to me that you are undergoing something like this and is currently struggling. Please do seek help. Help in this sense does not mean by psychiatric or pharmaceutical means—of course they can help—but try to find something that can bring you back to the surface. The lake is dark and deep man, and it gets dimmer and deeper the longer you stay underneath it. Try to hold up your hand and sway it to force yourself up. Then try it with another. Then with another. Until you reach the surface. It will be difficult because the pressure will get to you and it will keep you down. But try. The only way to get out is swimming to the surface. The only way is up.
So, making informal conversations with the introvert me is now through...
GIFs. Yes. And funny punny pictures. Apparently that is how we communicate right now. Not just with this one but with others as well.
Just goes to show that even from afar I can (or hoping that I can) make you smile.
That is the component of social dynamics that for the life of me I can never understand. We are not even close. Supposedly I am bothered, but that is a two as opposed to the ten that I am facing right now.
Immediate intervention: no kinder words then.
Stop asking me the most difficult gaming questions.
Two cents.
I have often pondered about the truth in the history. Time in time again, history is written by the victors; was this also the case in the "truth" we hold now? But then there are inconsistencies, namely: 1) Ninoy and Marcos as fraternity brothers, so why the wait; 2) why Cory Aquino was chosen to run, and 3) what happened in the backlines?
I can somehow understand the bond and the commitment to the bond. Of course I cannot speak in their behalf, this is true, but it is indubitably weird for both of them to say that they trust each other and somehow along the way it ended as we know it: Ninoy the exemplar, lying motionless on the tarmac, and Marcos the President, being summoned to questioning by the Filipino people. How did that happen? The video raised innocent questions regarding this; unfortunately, these will be buried in all the controversies, conversations through the grapevine, and words of nothingness of the hoi polloi. Sad, I daresay, that we can never know the "truth."
What happened? It is undeniable that progress was apparent in Marcos' regime; heck, we even have self-defense missiles and nuclear power plant during his time. There were concrete plans of country's defense, unlike now where we lobby for whoever's dress we can get under in only for protection. Alliances and good economic environment are beside the point but then again, it is undeniable that during those times we are well-equipped and well-off (as the video purported). I daresay again: what happened?
This is why I pity the uninformed, which in this case means us, the newer Filipino generations, who has fallen into the privies and cesspools of shared and historical hate against people who in the first place may have performed the declaration that the government's strongarm be exercised to its fullest extent; remember that the government has reason in doing so (again, as the video purported. There is also that question of "may not," but the credible truth is gone now). I pity the people who are accused wrongly of an extended hate. I pity the people who jumped the bandwagon; they do not know. and I pity the impression that the progress of Philippines was stagnant before; people who shall occupy on the mighty and glorified Presidential seat must not ignore, not lead us to further hate, and must not just--sorry for the word--shat and act as if the seat is a privy. Don't just poop out claims of national hatred or madness; at the very least, do something for the country.
For the last four years: snippet 1
History: what are you referring to? Is it the history of recency: the most ponderous, the most productive, and the generations of tangible acclaim? Or is it the history of proximity: the stagnation, the decay of strength, and the general absence of actuated idealism? When you say, 'we are,' I retort: what are we? Do we know? And more importantly, do we still understand? Are we the masters of our own time? Or are we just guardians of the faculties our forebears tilled, gaining but not contributing at all?
Awfully reminds me of Mass Effect 3.