Caution: long post. I should get this out of my mind so that I can study Pharma better. Just read it.
The truth was, I was depressed. Should there be a reason that I stayed on this state for so long? No. It is something that just happens underneath your skin or underneath your view, where for some minutes, days and months you are inculcated within its definitions and then there came a day where you realized: what the hell is going on? That is the true nature of depression and why some others succumb to it and do not make it across this metaphorical deep lake. You will sink, you will fall, you will drown, and in some unfortunate cases, you will die.
I was distracted a lot. I did not study like how I used to before. I became unable to even memorize the easy stuff to get me a higher grade. I know how to study well, which is the reason why I got accepted in my dream med school, but somehow I became unable to. Of course, in the beginning your worries are superficial. ‘Shit, male-late na ako. Dapat na akong pumasok.’ ‘Shit, babagsak na ako, dapat na akong mag-aral.’ Through these compensatory and superficial mechanisms, I passed. Barely. It shows in my grades in med school.
So I was going on it with. I made completely rational realizations that did not actually address the underlying problem. I became fat because in my mind I thought, ‘madali lang tong mawala.’ Then days in and days out it just became worse. ‘Bakit, mag-aaral pa rin naman ako eh,’ then days in and out the absenteeism just got worse. I was struggling, I know how and why, but I did not address the problem completely.
It was in my third year as a regular student when the problem dawned on me. I cannot keep on doing this. But how? I was in the loop, and at that time I can attest that I was losing it. The loop is—or was—circling down the drain. I can still vividly remember the time when I made the decision to let go: it was while on a taxi, currently waiting for the traffic light on the intersection of Quirino Avenue and Osmeña Highway to go green, 10 am after a morning class, and I was cutting my class (what, Onin, cutting classes?). I thought, no. This has to stop. But when? I should still continue on, and I can. I can pass my third year and be a clerk, graduate and become an intern and then a licensed physician. But when is the perfect time to stop my problem? It dawned on me on that day on that specific intersection: now. I cannot keep on doing this, I was afraid that I may become pabayâ and my depression translate into my patient care. I am sure that if I did not diverge from my path, I will kill a patient. A person. Another human being. When? During the actual hands-on experience in my clerkship or beyond it? I cannot! Maybe if that has happened to me and I did kill a patient, I might lose it and I die too. I know it is not far from impossible. I simply know.
So my answer to me sinking into the lake was: let go now. Care still, yes, and try to limit the damage. Remember that you can still become a doctor. Let go. Now.
I became an irregular student along the way. People have been telling me that I was supposedly dropped from the course altogether had it been more excessive or worse than how it really was.
So, how to address the problem? I can remember during my Biochemistry days that in a typical meiotic process there are these checkpoints. These checkpoints are placed there as measures of correction. Basically it means that getting through these points and fulfilling their requirements mean that the cell is finally ready to proceed and divide. I applied that to my situation. In the year after the whole fiasco I was still struggling in getting it done. By the time I became a junior intern I somehow managed to completely realize and applied it. It is as basic as it is: never be late.
Absenteeism became my new parameter. If I became late again and it went on after two days, I am now sure that something is up with me again and that will mean that I must take extra measures to get it fixed, even if it means getting psychiatric help. I know that if this happens again, it might become worse and I will not become me again. Triple repeat expansion! (Yes, I love Biochem even after going insane)
And I never did become late. There were sometimes that I was late or absent, and it did not bother me. Remember your threshold: more than two days. If I cannot correct it after that, I will get help. My only claim to fame during my clerkship and internship was that I was never late. NEVER. Check it. I can attest to that. Even my batchmate-turned-seniors and residents who were above me can attest to that. IT IS WORKING.
Coming back to the present time, I am here studying for my PLE. It shows that I was pabayâ. It is still not that difficult because now I can think fully and I have a full grasp of my faculties. Imagine the possibilities if I did not fall into the lake. I might have been one of the best! But no, stop that thinking because that outright negative can bring you back into it. As early as now, learn to understand your triggers and remember to forget.
I wrote this specifically for you because I feel for you. It was relayed to me that you are undergoing something like this and is currently struggling. Please do seek help. Help in this sense does not mean by psychiatric or pharmaceutical means—of course they can help—but try to find something that can bring you back to the surface. The lake is dark and deep man, and it gets dimmer and deeper the longer you stay underneath it. Try to hold up your hand and sway it to force yourself up. Then try it with another. Then with another. Until you reach the surface. It will be difficult because the pressure will get to you and it will keep you down. But try. The only way to get out is swimming to the surface. The only way is up.
annaxmalina
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind